Centennial High School Offers Pole Dancing as Vocational Education

in Arts and Entertainment/Local Flavor by

Down a nondescript hallway, past the doors to the gym at Centennial High School, workmen install three poles in the room where the junior varsity wrestling team once met.  Strobe lights, we were told, got installed last week.  Now that the conversion is complete, Northern Colroado has its first ever vocational classroom for aspiring professional strippers.  Here, Nancy Fowler, AKA Kronik, teaches her young pupils the sensuous art of pole dancing while Eminem’s “Shake That” blares from the stereo.  “They [the students] only do it in gym clothes here; once they do their internship though, it’s tops off!”  she added, “Next semester, I hope to add lap dancing to the course.  I don’t think we’ll have any trouble finding volunteer guys for those.”  A collective giggle ensued.

For all the benefit to young women leaving Centennial High School with a job skill for profitable employment, Kronik’s pole-dancing class has drawn controversy from the community.  Francine Tipton, whose daughter goes to the alternative high school was vehement in her criticism, “This is an outrage!  Where is our school board?  Where is the parents’ group?  I can’t have my daughter in an immoral environment like this!”  Indeed the school’s parents’ group is suing over this matter, but for all the brew-ha-ha, the new elective has garnered at least some local support.

Area resident Bob Kaminski, age 41, “That’s awesome that Centennial’s doing this!  I LOVE strippers and strip joints.  What do you think I do on a Friday night right after I get my paycheck?  Let’s hope Centennial [High School] offers an entrepreneurship class along with this, so that we can FINALLY get a strip joint opened here in FoCo.  Dude, I’ve been missing one ever since the Hunt Club went under.”  Self-declared feminist Erin Clarke-Avila gave her two cents, “You know, if we’re gonna narrow the gender pay gap, we women have to  do it by any means necessary, right?  That includes getting a second job.  If it weren’t for my sag-bags, guess what I’d be doing for a night job?”

Administrator Sean Camacho gave his reasoning over their controversial addition of the pole-dancing elective, “First off, this is an elective.  That means they take it if they want to.  Nobody’s compelling anyone to do anything.  Second, let’s face it: this high school takes in the rejects from the whole of the Poudre R-1 School District.  And the teen moms…”  a long pause ensued,  “Don’t even get me started on those.”  after taking a sip of a Pepto-Bismol-and-gin, he went on, “These kids aren’t exactly doctor or lawyer material.  Maybe a few might go to college, but the statistics show most of them won’t graduate, and where does that leave them?  [It leaves them] saddled with massive amounts of student-loan debt and no skills!  I for one, will do my job and equip these girls to do something that makes money.  What’s the harm in opening this unique opportunity to them?”

Ludwig Schnee is the illegitimate grandson of Adalbert 'Adi' Schnee, the World War II submariner who won the Knights Cross with Oak Leaves for his gallantry as a U-Boat commander. Born in June of 1976, Schnee has lived in Fort Collins since the early 1990s and is the quintessential Focopolitan.

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