March 2019 – The Focopolitan Tribune

Poudre River Gold Mine Reassures River Community: We’ll Only Pollute a Little Bit

After finding gold along the Poudre River, Trump Mining Corporation, a precious metals extraction company owned by none other than The Don himself addressed community members in Fort Collins, Greeley and all other municipalities that line our precious riverine resource. In a Tweet, our president declared to the Poudre River community, “This is going to be the BEST gold mine EVER!!! Fort Collins, Greeley, Laporte, Bellevue and all those places there are gonna be proud of this.”

These surprising developments however, have been met with fierce criticism. FoCo environmental activist Fern Greene reached out to the Focopolitan Tribune and gave us a full interview. “Gold mines are about the dirtiest, filthiest most environmentally degrading operations possible! I’m so outraged that this fucking thing is even gonna open! Do you know how much cyanide and mercury is used in the mining of gold? Where’s it all gonna go? And what is this all for? To get some rich-ass people more fucking jewelry than they already have? I’m sorry, but as a member of this community, I say, ‘no.’ Pollution of rivers and soil is the kind of thing that should only happen in countries where black and brown people live, not here!”

We at the Tribune managed to contact a spokesman from Trump Mining. Aurelio Goldberg assured us, “Yeah, we do use mercury and cyanide in mining gold, but at least we have the river to take it away. No problem there. We just dump the stuff in the Poudre and away it goes…” Horrified at such a flippant disregard for the environment, your reporter Ludwig Schnee asked about how this might effect the wildlife of the ecosystem to which Mr. Goldberg replied, “It’s gonna kill some fish, but so much the better. All those anglers I see in the summer aren’t gonna need to pay a cent for those expensive waders, rods, bait or line. They just need to go down and pluck ’em out; we did the hard part for them.”

Something tells us at the Trib that this can’t be the end of this…

I-25 High Speed Chase Catches Motorists by Surprise

Published on March 2, 2019 in Local Flavor by Buck Hummingbird

While police departments across the United States have been changing their policies regarding high-speed chases in urban areas, there are still instances of such follies upon the motorways. A recent incident on the north-south corridor of I-25 is a case in point.

Motorists traveling northbound on that section between Johnstown and Fort Collins witnessed the unusual occurrence. “I haven’t seen something like this since that right-wing bank robbery one on 285 [referring to a 1996 incident]!” gushed one excited young woman, who asked to remain anonymous.

Onlookers were treated to an exhilarating 45 MPH high-speed chase of one wanna-be Chevy Volt bandit followed by three police vehicles.

Another driver, 25-year-old Adam Summerfeld, who happened to be on the road, was amazed at the speed. “45 on I-25!?!?! Can you believe it? I wish that happened a lot more for just us regular drivers. I just got over to the right lane and let them do their thing. But it was a sight to see!” He walked off, muttering, “45! Man, 45!”

Police spokesman Colin O’Keefe acknowledged the irony of a “high-speed” chase being classified as anything else than an extreme speed. “Yes, the legal speed limit is 75 MPH but that rarely happens on I-25 anymore. So when we attempted to stop this person for a broken taillight and he took off, we had to step in. Eventually we clocked him at speeds up to 45 MPH! We didn’t expect that he would flee and then not follow requests to respectfully pull over.”

The police eventually barricaded the individual on the exit ramp for US-36 eastbound due to lack of volume at that particular location. “It was an emergency decision. We needed lots of room for the number of vehicles involved and in case he came barreling off the highway and a physical incident occurred,” intoned O’Keefe, “And that exit just doesn’t have lots of cars sometimes.”

The driver 46-year-old Ziggy Smith only had this to say in his defense. “Man, I just wanted to get home. I’d already been traveling from south Denver for over 2 hours.”