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April 2017

McDonald’s Franchise Owner Confounded Over Sanctuary Restaurant Movement

in Business and Economics by

Laporte – Standing outside his area of business, Jim Swift, franchise owner of the local McDonald’s, spoke to representatives of the neighboring city of Fort Collins Sanctuary Restaurant movement.

This movement is an offshoot of the Sanctuary Cities movement. Sanctuary Cities decline from co-operating with Federal law enforcement about turning over people who have violated immigration laws, for deportation. Sanctuary restaurants, on the other hand, claim to seat and serve all people who come through their doors, regardless of their race, ethnic background, skin color, gender or legal status in our country, pretty much like what every restaurant does everywhere in the world.

“I’m confused,” he stated as the representatives drove off in their Chevy Volt.

Speaking frankly to the reporters of the FoCoPolitan Tribune Mr. Swift expressed his surprise that there was such a thing as a movement for something so trivial. “Do they not understand the basic tenets of capitalism?”

“I get the city aspect of this movement since they have the power to back it up, but restaurants? Hell, just from what they were saying, McDonald’s has been a ‘sanctuary restaurant’ from the get-go. Shit, any restaurant by its very nature is defined as part of this movement. I serve people things; things they want. And you should see and smell some of these people; hello, maybe don’t smoke that ton of weed and try showering every now-and-then but, do I turn them away? Hell no! Why would I? All we care about is that they buy something, anything, even if it’s just a juice box.”

To illustrate his point, Mr. Swift ducked back into his franchise and emerged with a box of Chicken Nuggets. “I have food and you have money. You want food and I need money. Voila; you gave me your money and I gave you food. Damn, man, it’s not like its calculus.”

“But now I have some wimpy-assed young kid coming in here trying to tell me to join a movement that seeks to espouse exactly why I bought a franchise in the first place? You need to pull your head out of your marijuana-infused ass and quit drinking the Kool-Aid and actually work and then, THEN you might understand why this shit only works to make lazy, rich liberals feel good about themselves!”

“It’s not for the businesses, it’s for you; you fucking snowflakes! Morally masturbating yourselves instead of actually doing something; surprise, makes you feel better but doesn’t solve anything, does it? This ain’t Mississippi in the 1950s! This is twenty-first century Colorado! The fact that this has to be even said is a sad state of affairs for peoples’ understanding of how shit works! You getting all this?”

Swift went on to state, “Jesus Christ clean the cobwebs from your brain with those dreadlocks and wake up to reality. You can’t make a living from discriminating against people who want to pay you money. So you’re not morally superior with your damn sanctuary thing-y, just fucking ignorant of basic economics.”

He quieted for a moment. “Damn, really just damn. Sorry for the verbal dumping; it’s a soapbox thing of mine. Hope you got it all; I gotta get back to work now.  I’ve got people to feed.”

Conservative Safe Space Includes Screens of Fox News, Bibles

in Politics by

Jolene and Chuck Schaeffer have had it with the increasingly liberal culture that literally surrounds them.  The couple lives in the conservative enclave of Loveland, which is adjacent to the dyed-in-the-wool blue areas of Boulder to the south and Fort Collins to the north.  Ever since the 2010 re-drawing of congressional district lines by the Colorado State House of Representatives, the couple has felt a deep sense of disenfranchisement.  “We’re now lumped into Colorado’s 2nd District and stuck with Jared Polis or whatever other Boulder liberal the commie-loving Democratic Party can come up with,” laments Jolene.  “All that has disempowered us and our neighbors and invalidated all that we believe in and stand for.”  According to Chuck, over the last seven years, Northern Colorado conservatives have gradually become traumatized at having their opinions, experiences and feelings repeatedly invalidated by secularists, gun-control advocates, vegetarians, vegans, pushy racial minorities, hybrid drivers, LGBTQs, their advocates and other types liberals in general.

Walking past a mounted deer head and a big-screen TV blaring Fox News, guests find comfort and succor in Guns and Ammo magazine and The Nation.  Copies of the Holy Bible and the US Constitution, with the 2nd Amendment highlighted, are readily available.  Visitors here enjoy a warm, home-cooked meal prepared by Jolene herself.  “We love it!” says Bill Sullivan, a frequent guest and recent resident from Arkansas, “Jolene makes the best hamburger-and-french-fries ever!  And on Sundays, after church, we even get barbecue.”  Bill expanded, “But not that soul-brother stuff that goes with fried chicken and corn bread.”  Jolene interjected, “No, not at all, that’s a trigger for some of us here.  I have to be careful of what I serve for dessert too- like watermelon- that’s worse than saying ‘vegan’ for some folks here.”  On top of that, occasional activities such as carpentry, drywalling and auto mechanics, of non-hybrid vehicles of course, occupy guests’ time. For the occasional conservative woman, looking for a soothing activity, Mrs. Schaeffer even teaches cooking from scratch and sewing on an old-fashioned pedal-operated sewing machine.

The home has become popular amongst conservative baby boomers and their younger, but still adult, counterparts. “We don’t have many teenagers or young adults here yet,” explained Jolene. “They’ll find us eventually when they get out into the world and realize that there aren’t many places for them.”

“This is a place where men can be men, and women can be women; none of this 31-flavor gender nonsense.”  Sullivan went on, “Yup, who’d a thunk it?  There’s still a place in the Front Range outside of the Springs where people can talk guns, church, the Constitution, Jesus and ‘Merica IN ENGLISH, without fear of being marginalized, invalidated or have their feelings trampled on.”

The couple hopes that their dedication to their values and success at creating a safe space will encourage others to do the same. “Even when you’re surrounded by liberal nitwits there are people like us who need a space to be who they are and if you create it, there will be people who will use it!” exclaimed Chuck.


“Fuck You” Mudra Enlightens Midtown Fort Collins Yoga Students

in Health and Fitness by

This week local yoga teacher, Sushineguruji responded after hearing one of her students say, “It’s all good,” that today’s class message would be about embracing the “Fuck You” in life. She quoted, “The path to heaven is through hell,” from famed yogi Sri Swami Satchitananada. She continued to say, “We have to embrace the shittiest parts of our nature in order to transcend them.” Part of the class involved gazing into the eyes of another participant with the “fuck you” mudra, and fully embodying the personal meaning of this sentiment to cleanse the soul of repressed anger. Another exercise involved all yoga students in a circle bowing in prayer position to each and every person in turn saying, “fuck you.”

Some responded with laughter. “It was just so absurd,” said Ridley, a participant who decided to try yoga for the first time. While Bob, a class regular said, “I like it, I mean I realized if I could find something I hated about everyone in this class, then maybe I could also find something I could love in each person too. And then it just hit me. Dude, we really are ALL ONE! This was a powerful teaching, man. I am forever changed.”

The class ended with the mantra, “I bow to the shittiest part of your nature.” This was explained to be an important step in being present to the totality of life experience, and the potent shadow mantra to the customary, “Namaste,” which is often translated as “I bow to the light within you.”

Yoga student Moonbeam stated, “I’ll be honest and say at first I was shocked, but Sunshineguruji always knows the right thing to say. I feel truly cleansed and more enlightened to who I would like to say ‘Fuck you’ to now.” Another participant, Amber, shared, “I felt so much grace after embracing my shittiness. While holding the “fuck you” mantra, I wanted to pull Orion’s stinky dreadlocks out of his head and punch him in the face! However I realized I was just transferring feelings onto him from my former lover Bryce for cheating on me, and that I actually really love Orion. We made love afterwards, and it was truly cosmic.” Orion responded, “She’s really sexy when she’s pissed off.”

Will this become yoga’s newest trend? Sunshinegruruji said that she currently has a “Fuck You Yoga” teacher training program that is eligible for Yoga Alliance yoga teacher continuing education credits. There will be an article in next month’s Yoga Journal about more of the profound transformations from the practice of “Fuck You Yoga.” Be sure to look for it at the Fort Collins Food Co-op.

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