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September 2019

Fort Collins Summer Festivals to Merge into Unending Season-Long Party

in Arts and Entertainment/Business and Economics/Local Flavor by

In an announcement today, the City of Fort Collins Party Authority (CFCPA) announced that for simplicity’s sake, all Fort Collins summer festivals will now conglomerate into one summer-long event.  Starting in 2020: A Taste of Fort Collins, the Colorado Marathon, New West Fest, Tour de Fat, Tour de Corgi, the Old Town Car Show, the Harvest Festival, the Pagan Festival, the Peach Festival, Brewfest, Octoberfest, the Fourth of July, Pride Day and some two dozen other festivities will all become one, big, giant, non-stop, celebration of everything and nothing.  This event will feature 16 stages, 1200+ bands, 116 different breweries, two farmers’ markets, ganja, young buxom maidens riding bikes in nothing more than body paint, six non-stop food truck rallies, four artisan camps and the kind of nihilistic fun that would make an episode of Seinfeld look like a Baptist seminary.

At a press conference, spokesman Fred Alborghetti commented with unusual candor, “We’re just formalizing what’s already happening.  I just got sick and tired of everybody always bitching to me asking why the roads in Old Town are all blocked, so we [at CFCPA] just rolled all these festivals into one whole, big ball-o-wax.  It just makes things simpler.  Not only that, but we get to pass off other people’s boozing as local culture.  All the while, of course, we cash in.  It sure keeps the economy going.  As I see it, it’s like our own New Deal, except it’s centered around fun, instead of work.  I never thought watching adults with too much money pursuing frivolous pleasure could be so rewarding!”

Fort Collins Police Services (FCPS) spokesman Mohammad Rodriguez had this to say about the summer-long festival. “It will definitely give us something to do. I mean, hell, do you know what it’s like to hear our guys bitch and complain about the chronic lack of action in this town?  I just hope things become a little bit more like Sturgis at the rally when the Hell’s Angels and the Mongols meet after drinking too much.  This will greatly help our downtime!”

New business owner Todd McPherson who operates an organic, locally grown, vegan pet food store and boutique on the main drag also seemed excited about the change. “Finally! Now I”ll always know where to park since the damn road closings will remain the same! Never again will I have to guess where the fuck to park my Oldsmobile.”

Random questioning of various people in Old Town also seemed to generate a positive review of the move by the Fort Collins Party Authority. “Now I can stay drunk the entire summer! Thanks for making it easier!,” gushed one young man as he stumbled down Mountain Ave. Another dread-locked Trustafarian took a hit and smiled, “Hell, yeah!  I ain’t leavin.'”

We at the Focopolitan Tribune agree with everyone and are SO there!  We can’t wait.  Your reporter, Ludwig Schnee is gonna do his best to make Burning Man seem like a trip to the mosque compared to this.

Op-Ed: City Police Disappointed with Boring Labor Day Weekend

in Local Flavor by

This weekend saw LOTS of stuff happening in town.  As always, Focopolitans and outsiders joined in on our unique brand of nihilistic, senseless fun known as Tour de Fat.  To those readers unversed in Focopolitan traditions, the Tour de Fat is a parade where thousands of strangely-costumed bicyclists ride their equally-oddly outfitted bikes a whole of maybe three miles from Downtown Fort Collins all the way to New Belgium Brewery in order to celebrate Labor Day.

Yeah I know, it makes about as much sense as Easter, when we celebrate Jesus’ rising from the dead after three days by eating chocolate eggs and hiding real ones, but that’s another story.  The kicker is that there are always thousands people around and there is always alcohol.  Yet for the umpteenth year in a row, with mobs of people, and beer aplenty, we have not yet seen major violent events and therefore no action for our city police force.

Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee contacted public affairs officer Mohammad Hernandez at Fort Collins Police Services who ad libbed, “Yeah, dude… we’re like… totally disappointed at this.  First off, we had a rout of the CSU football team [in the game against CU] on Saturday.  Back in the day, there’d be rioting.  But even with a brand new stadium and tens of thousands of students back for some action what do we get?  A big nothing burger without fries.  Then there was that whole Tour de Fat thing, where we were HOPING for something to happen, but people just went on their merry way, and we didn’t get anything more than a few DUIs and disorderly conduct.  It’s not like [the year AD 19] 97 when we had couch-burnings every other weekend just ’cause CSU started and the football team got spanked.  That was the shit, back then.  Nowadays, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were cobwebs on our riot gear.”  When asked what FCPS hoped for next year, officer Hernandez simply replied, “I’m just disappointed in the community.  We just need…well…more crime.  With a community as peaceful as this, we’ll be out of a job sooner than later.”

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