At a conference of science deniers last weekend, hosted by no less an institution than the Colorado School of Mines, representatives from CU Boulder’s Gender Science Department and Colorado Springs College of the Bible’s Geology Department literally came to blows over what subjects to exclude, and which to include, under the greater body of knowledge of Science. While each touted pre-dispositions of ideology as taking primacy over verifiable truth, both sides paid lip-service to the scientific method, but only in support of their pre-ordained notions.
Gender vapid spokeshuman for CU Boulder’s Gender Science Department Dr. Wagglesnicks, commented, “Gender is nothing more than a social construct created by an oppressive white-supremacist capitalist patriarchy! I don’t care what DNA says, we at CU have recognized no less than 72 different genders, and any person can flow from one to any one OR MORE of the others at any time, for any reason, including no reason at all. However, we assert that a preponderance of evidence in the geological as well as the biological record shows that the earth is some 2.6 billion years old, and that we evolved from single-celled organism to apes over the course of hundreds of thousands of years and then evolved into homo sapiens like you and xus [a form of the second-person plural pronoun]. Anyone who disagrees with that assertion is at best a fool, and at worst, a nefarious peddler of pseudo science.”
After Dr. Wagglesnicks’ fiery opening statement, the spokesman for Colorado Springs College of the Bible, Reverend Cleatus Crowley angrily declared, “Don’t y’all call me no homo! I’m not like you; I read Leviticus and I obey it! As for this nonsense of the earth being 2.6 million years old, now THAT’S a bunch of baloney. How do I know? It’s in the Bible! God said it, and God doesn’t lie. Here are some truths that I can tell you: we’re just short of 6000 years old, God made the Earth in six days, and He made man from mud. Then, he made woman from Adam’s rib. That’s why men have one rib fewer than women. Now THAT’S valid science. As for this gender nonsense…well, it’s just nonsense. Be a man or be a woman, and that’s it. Just ask a police detective when there’s DNA at a crime scene, the first thing they tell you is whether it’s from a man or a woman.”
At this exchange, Wagglesnicks retorted even more angrily, “Homo sapiens is binomial nomenclature for human being- a basic term of biological categorization! And, when police collect DNA evidence from crime scenes, and they tell you that it’s a male or a female, they’re not using basic terms of categorization, they’re acting from unconscious bias that we at the Gender Science Department categorically denounce and repudiate. Anyone who disagrees with us is an oppressive member of the fascist patriarchy which has asserted its power to keep down the disadvantaged and marginalized.”
At this point, witnesses describe a descent into violence atypical for the School of Mines campus. While it is unclear who started it, fists flew as did chairs. After extensive hurling of insults and missiles, campus security was called in. Amid loud chants of, “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!” in reference to TV personality and talk show host Jerry Springer by amused students and passersby, the fracas was finally disentangled and arrests were made.
The Focopolitan Tribune managed to contact a spokesman for the Colorado School of Mines. Dr. Farouk Ikani had the following to say, “How in God’s good name did we ever give these people permission to have their ridiculous conference here? This is a SCIENCE college, not a battleground for the ideologically possessed! Both sides need to spend their time in the can and get some sense kicked into them! To the CU fuckwits out there: you’re born with a gender. If you don’t like it, fine! Choose the other gender, and maybe get a sex-change operation. Then be happy with it, but don’t go around telling me that there are 72 different gender pronouns and you can turn from one into another and then feel insulted when I call you by the wrong one! As for you religious nut jobs, get your heads out of your ever-loving asses. I thought I saw the worst of you at the Creation Museum in Kentucky! Both of you need to realize this: Science is real, and you approach it by studying the evidence and then coming to a conclusion, not the other way around. Instead what you’re both doing is having your ideology possess you, instead of you possessing your ideology!”
Reverend Crowley and Dr. Wagglesnicks, among others, are currently being held at the Jefferson County jail on multiple counts ranging from: battery, disturbing the peace, assault, reckless endangerment, and others. Reverend Crowley is in the men’s ward, and it is unclear where Dr. Wagglesnicks is as officials are debating where to house xim [the third-person singular].
——by Special Correspondent Jollie Thresher
In response to a recent article in The Fort Collins Coloradoan noting a marked increase in the local bald eagle population, The Focopolitan Tribune consulted several experts as to why this phenomenon might be happening. The Wildlife Biology Department at CSU had no firm answer, “Probably people are leaving their trash cans uncovered, and they smell food. Then they come knock ‘em over and—uh, whoops, that’s the bears. Try the guys in Avian Science.”
Dissatisfied, I travelled to the remote corners of Larimer County, to consult with Yawning Coyote Pratt, who has been working with a colleague, the noted Native American shaman and animal whisperer Swelling Milk, there to help him with the bison crisis reported in an earlier issue. Ms. Milk’s highly specialized work includes not only talking to various species of animals and birds, but mediating when conflicting human / animal issues arise. “She’s the best,” Yawning Coyote assured. “She got those bison together and explained there’s just too goddamn many of ‘em up here now at Soapstone Prairie. Convinced a lot of ‘em to head on up to Wyoming. Man, saved me hours with the bow and arrow!”
Incredulous, I asked Swelling Milk to explain her technique before we touched on the subject of bald eagles.
“I don’t do domestic animals,” was her first comment. “They actually communicate better with humans, having lost their wild vocabulary. They say the dumbest stuff, like ‘Ruining carpets rocks!’ or they want to gossip about their owners’ secretly drinking or jerking off. Or worse yet, ‘Polly. Wants. A. Cracker!’ Ugh. No, I deal only with wild species.”
As to why the bald eagles are settling in Fort Collins, Swelling Milk had the following to say. “Very simple,” she said. “The word is out in the eagle community. Fort Collins is an accepting town. For a long time it was all about the Canada geese, but not any more. Here prairie dogs feel at home, squirrels, iguanas, you name it. Here there is far more species inclusiveness than most places. The conservationists want to take credit, but it’s more about the progressive atmosphere of the town. Plus, the eagles read the signs.” I assumed Swelling Milk was referring to some eagle type of inner ‘spirituality’, but no. “The signs, of course, those signs all over Fort Collins,” she said. “Eagles can read eagle alphabet. One of the languages on those signs that say WE ARE FORT COLLINS is very close to eagle scratches. They saw it and decided, why not?”
This past January 31st, Focopolitan mourners carried a mock coffin from Bisetti’s restaurant all the way to Grandview Cemetery, FoCo’s poshest, most exclusive burial ground, in a requiem for that beloved staple of Fort Collins dining. Marching to Frederic Chopin’s Marche Funebre, and under the lugubrious light of a super blue blood moon, the people shared their memories of the times they had at the four decades-long institution. After hearing about the: many dates, wedding receptions, business deals, bar/bat/bax (for the transgender Jew) mitzvahs and meals that folks had there, people invariably asked, “So what’s gonna go in there now?”
It wasn’t a half hour after the doors of our beloved Bisetti’s closed for good, that a sign went up announcing the soon-to-be open new establishment: a local, biker bar. Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee happened to be passing by when some of the new tenant-cum-patrons of the space were unloading wrenches, power tools, oil pans, bottles of booze, and various-sized boxes that read “Harley Davidson” on them. One of the leather-bound, burly men carrying parts into the closed Bisetti’s took the time to speak with Schnee. “We’re coming in here in order to have a place to gather at, booze it up, raise hell and change the oil of our Harleys.”
The Focopolitan Tribune crew attempted contact with various concerned institutions from neighboring stores to security services to umbrella business organizations, inquiring about the opening of the new establishment and got a surprising degree of positive feedback. In an email, one member of the Business Organization of Old Town (BOOT) stated, “People talk so much about diversity here, but nobody ever does much, so we would like to invite the new owners to our next luncheon. We would love to have one of them on our board of directors. That would sure bring some diversity to our community.” While some were concerned that the biker gang is part of the Hell’s Angels, the group is actually a local phenomenon calling itself Phuck the Poudre. Why they opted for such a name is unclear, but we hope to inform our readers of that sometime in the near future.
The Trib crew were unable to contact Fort Collins Police Services officially, but a passing security-for-hire officer spoke anonymously, “Hell, yeah! Finally we can get some action here other than canning bums and slamming drunk college students onto the pavement! These guys are actually gonna keep me, the police, the jail and the courts in business!” College students themselves seemed enthused. A CSU sociology major, Colleen Middleton, had this to say, “It’s so exciting; can’t wait to see the place up and running!” A small squeal ensured.
Tim Ashbury, the owner of the bar, and its bartender, seemed pleased with himself. As he stood in front of the entrance, he smiled. “Now this is a proper place for a bar; right in the fuck sakes of things! I can’t believe no one’s tried this before me.” As he stared up at the building, he had this aside to Schnee. “Gonna have to white-trash up this awning though.