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Fort Collins Book Festival Welcomes Surprise Guest: Pat Buchanan

in Business and Economics/Health and Fitness/Politics by

It was an utter surprise to all attendees of the Fort Collins Book Festival when conservative Republican author Pat Buchanan crashed the party.  With a theme of “Food For Thought” this was an unusual event for Mr. Buchanan too, who up to now has not been known for being a foodie.  “This festival is great!  I thought it was going to be just pure mudslinging at me, but folks here really gave me a warm welcome,” commented Mr. Buchanan.

One of the Book Festival’s organizers, Tracy Echevarria-Smith granted your reporter a few precious moments of her time on this busy weekend.  She had this to say about Mr. Buchanan, “First off, we’ve been criticized for having the same authors, the same ideas and basically the same show every year.  When Pat Buchanan essentially invited himself here, we were overjoyed. Second, we have a really diverse group racially; we have a Native American chef, a Latina, an African American woman and all sorts of folks from disadvantaged and/or minority groups talking about what food means to them.  This may be a racially diverse group, but let’s face it: we all think alike, we all vote alike and we’re all progressive.  Having Pat speak makes us inclusive, in more ways than just race.  Not only that, but here’s the real advantage: it makes our foodie fest original.  We’ve seen and heard all the organic-local-fair trade people have to show and say.  Let’s hear what other people have to say.  Pat’s gonna be talking about big ag- the unignorable food provider without which we would mostly starve.  Let’s see people in Boulder top that for inclusiveness!  So, we don’t fall in love with Archer Daniels Midland or Monsanto, but are you really gonna tell me that these people who have done more to save Africa [agribusiness] from starvation than 1000 Bonos [referring to the lead singer of U2 who is also known as Paul Hewson] are evil?  Well, that’s what all the food pharisees at Whole Foods would have you believe.  Not just that, but don’t you want to hear what a white, rich, Christian man has to say for once?”

To our utter surprise, Pat Buchanan granted your reporter Ludwig Schnee a brief comment!  “Oh, I’ll tell you, I LOVE agribusiness.  It’s the most efficient form of growing food.”  When your reporter politely told Mr. Buchanan that it takes roughly 13 pounds of grain to produce one pound of beef, and that it took some 100 gallons of water to produce one pound of feed, and that lots of efficiency is lost in the process, Mr. Buchanan retorted, “Meat is therefore the best, most effective way to eat vegetables and keep hydrated.”  he added, “You eat cows, and what do cows eat?  Vegetables!  It’s like you’re going vegan, just more efficiently.  You know what else?  Fried meat is good for your heart so long as you fry it in vegetable oil.  Okay, I gotta go.  All this food talk and these books made me want to write.”  Asked what his book  was going to be about, the Republican author replied,  “It’s title is going to be Agribusiness: It Sucks Less Than You Think.”

Bernie Sanders Elected President… of Loveland Elks Club

in Health and Fitness/Local Flavor/Politics by

In a prepared speech at a press conference outside of a Las Vegas hospital, last Friday, spokesman for the Loveland Elk’s Lodge #10334458, Mortimer Moore stated, “On behalf of Elk’s Lodge #10334458 of Loveland, Colorado, we wish the Senator from Vermont a full and speedy recovery.  Furthermore, noting the good Senator’s great interest in the betterment of the lot of all Americans, our lodge has elected him honorary president.  Given his health, it appears that this will be his last and best chance at being president of anything.  What’s more?  Our lodge is less than a five minute ambulance ride from the finest cardiac nurses and surgeons at MCR.  For real- those folks work with Greeley’s meth heads all the time, so treating a guy like Bernie’s gonna be a breeze for ’em, but that’s a little off subject.”  He went on,  “Seriously, the senator needs to chill out with us and reduce his chances of another cardiac episode, and when it comes to calming down, nobody beats the Elks.  Don’t believe me?  Just come on a Friday night, and watch re-runs of the Lawrence Welk Show with us and you’ll see what I mean.”

This gesture by the Loveland Elk’s Lodge has not gone unnoticed.  The Fort Collins Lions and Tigers and Bears Club, when contacted had this to say, “Awww… Dammit!  Why didn’t WE think of that?  I’ll tell you what: we’ll dispense with our usual breakfast of coffee, pancakes, bacon and eggs for a Kosher option lox and bagels- no cream cheese or coffee-just too dangerous.”  The unidentified Lions and Tigers and Bears Club secretary proceeded.  “Oooohhhhh… so the Loveland Elks are selling the fact that they’re a five-minute ambulance ride away from the hospital?  Well… we’re only a fifteen minute hearse ride away from the Synagogue, in the event…  Y*w3h calls him.  I’d like to see them guys in Loveland give Bernie a proper chevra kadisha.”  He nervously cleared his throat.  “In any event, folks in the community’ve been giving us all manner of shit about being too white, old and Christian.  Letting a guy like Bernie into our ranks would surely contribute to our diversity and reduce our average age by several years.”

Your reporter Ludwig Schnee contacted the Sanders campaign which duly put us on the line with the Senator who apparently has been recovering well.  The Senator had this to say, “At least I was treated by private doctors.  If I got the medical treatment I proposed for the American people, I’d be at Temple and you’d be praying Kaddish.”

Holiday Involves Reunion of Live People Around Dead Bird

in Arts and Entertainment/Business and Economics/Health and Fitness/Local Flavor by

This Thursday, November 22nd, we at the Focopolitan Tribune noticed an utterly bizarre cult-like ritual.  A multi-generational agglomeration of an area kin-group assembled between four walls, exchanged greetings and pleasantries and roasted a dead bird.  After roasting said bird, the human kin-group held hands.  Soon after, an elder spoke utterances to a sky-daddy, requesting divine benediction upon the dead avian.  The elder subsequently cut into the bird, probably of the species meleagris gallopavo.  After the ritual incision of the bird’s fleshy breast, the kin group started literally to devour the beast together with sour-tasting, but edible small fruits.

What followed was a welter of feasting, with people gorging themselves on avian meat, the small sour fruits, heavy sauce and mashed potatoes.  After picking the bird literally to the bone much like vultures on a wildebeest carcass on a vintage Wild Discovery episode, the kin group devoured a reduction of a sugary orange-colored gourd baked over a thin layer of buttered flour.  After the bizarre communal feasting, some members of the kin-group swore non-binding weight-loss oaths.

Concluding the parade of oddity, the assembled went on to refer to the following day as “Black Friday” and began discussing plans that reeked nefariously of a corporate capitalist takeover OF THE ENTIRE COUNTRY!!

Old Town West Resident: Golf Course Should Become Section 8 Housing

in Business and Economics/Environment/Health and Fitness/Local Flavor by

Old Town West, the up-scale, left-of-center neighborhood vaguely comprising West Mountain and Laporte Avenues is home to a few thousand people.  It’s a place of old, renovated homes and well-kept lawns.  It is also a place where Focopolitans can easily see more than a few lawns with signs that read, “Regarless of where you’re from, we’re happy you’re our neighbor” written in Spanish, English and Arabic.  For area resident Harry Schacht, the sign is more than hollow virtue-signalling.  He explains, “Lots of folks here just put that sign on their lawn to show how liberal they are, but when the rubber meets the road, what do they do to really include people?  Diddle!  I’m not like them, and I’d say lots of folks in Fort Collins aren’t either.  To prove that point, I’m going to the city council and I’m gonna propose something real: to turn City Park 9 Golf Course into section 8 housing.  Or as I like to call the project, ‘Change the 9 to an 8.'”

Surprised at such a radical proposal, reporter Ludwig Schnee asked Mr. Schacht to elaborate on his plan.  Using an old-fashioned flip chart instead of a powerpoint presentation, Mr. Schacht went on to explain that such an idea was good because golf courses use vast amounts of water, which in Colorado is scarce.  Also, they use vast amounts of chemical fertilizers which are harmful to the river ecosystem.  Just eliminating them would improve things.  He added, “Then there’s the human factor.  We really want to be inclusive, diverse and equitable, and let’s face it: we’re really rich here in OTW (as Old Town West is abbreviated) and for the rich to live well, we need the poor.  Seriously, do you think, I wash my own Prius, mow my own lawn, landscape my own bonsai trees or raise my own grandkids?  Do you know where my house cleaner, the nanny and my landscaper live?  It’s way out in the trailer park, and they have to drive here!  Imagine that!  They have to drive here!  In THEIR cars!  Do you know how much carbon is released into our atmosphere just for them to drive that old wreck of a hooptie to my house?  Not only that, but the thing is hideous!  It ruins the view every time they come.  When I have my grandkids over, and Maria’s taking care of them…”  he paused, “That ugly-ass 1990s Buick is a real piece of shit to look at.” He proceeded, “It’s far better to have our servants live near us- as in within walking distance.  That way, they can get our houses clean, wash our cars, raise our kids and that way, we’ll live in a truly diverse, equitable and environmentally sustainable place.”  Asked, about what Foco’s golfers would have to say about the plan, Mr. Schacht replied, “Who cares?  Golf is such a snooty, elitist game, anyway.  Why should I care about what those smug, classist people have to say?  They just take up space like the greens they golf on.”

It is unclear how this proposal will be implemented.

Cheyenne Truck Stop Debuts Vegan Eatery

in Business and Economics/Health and Fitness/Local Flavor by

In a move that defies stereotypes, the Floating K Truck Stop announced earlier today that it will be opening a new mode of eating at their Cheyenne location. The truck stop, which is located where the East-West highway I-80 meets the North-South Highway, I-25 is very well known to truckers across the country. There, truckers from all over North America fill up, park and eat on their way to their next destinations. While truckers are more known for their partiality to chicken-fried steaks, burgers-and-fries, pancakes-and-waffles with maple syrup and the like, the managers of the Floating K have more enlightened ideas for their patrons.

Spokesman Billy Miller stated, “It is clear that truckers live a sedentary life and that many suffer from obesity, diabetes and heart failure because of it. What better way for us to not kill our clientele than to offer them better food?” He went on, “We are true, red-white-and-blue American capitalists and we cater to the reddest-whitest-and-bluest of Americans: truckers. If we’re gonna be real Americans, we must be good capitalists. That means giving your customers what they want, right? Wrong! Well, not necessarily. While we like to eat a good-ol’ steak and eggs with freedom fries every-now-and-then, we can’t go around offering it to people all the time. That’s just gonna kill ‘em, and for us to have a clientele in the first place, we have to keep them alive. We won’t do that for long, if we keep offering them a diet of GMO grain-fed beef and poultry, fried in cholesterol-oil and served with artery clogging gravy and sugary syrups. Better they eat quinoa patties with tofu made from organic soya beans. Even better if they down it with a cilantro and arugula smoothie with carrot juice instead of soda.”

Focopolitan Tribune reporters Ludwig Schnee and Buck Hummingbird visited the new eatery and approached a crowd gathering around a big-screen TV with NASCAR showing on it. We asked a burly man with a ZZ-Top beard and a beer belly if he was there for refueling or for the vegan fare. He replied, “You got a death wish, buddy?” Apparently, not all truckers are too keen on the novelty. Some, though, expressed a positive, if reserved sentiment towards the vegan option, “My old lady is always on my case to eat better, so I guess I’ll try it.” said Billy-Bob Doyle of Fayetteville, Arkansas.

In other news, the Floating K announced that it has plans to open a yoga studio sometime early next year to accompany the vegan restaurant.

Faith Healer: Protect Your Computer from Viruses, Wear a Condom Online

in Health and Fitness/Local Flavor by

In a public service announcement earlier today, the faith-based initiative, Faith Fort Collins Cyber-Disease Prevention Authority, commonly known as DP, urged parishioners and the public to take precautions against computer viruses by wearing condoms when getting online, particularly when viewing pornographic content.

Puzzled at this bizarre recommendation, we investigated the matter further.  The spokesman for DP, Reverend Cleatus Crowlwy had the following to say when we met up with him at his mansion in the up-market Eagle Ranch Road subdivision between Fort Collins and Loveland, “You know, there’s a ton of computer viruses out there, like the Ping Pong Virus, the Trojan Virus (not to be confused with the brand of condoms of the same name), worms, HIV, Hepatitis A, B, C, D, E and F, the herps, crabs, super crabs, gonorrhea and diarrhea and they’re all transmissible, especially when viewing internet porn.  The only true way to protect yourself from computer viruses 100% is by abstaining, but we all know how well that idea works.  Therefore, we recommend that users take the appropriate precautionary measures if they forego abstinence: wear a condom when viewing internet porn.”

Reporter Ludwig Schnee, puzzled at Reverend Crowley’s recommendation, not to mention that a cleric is now heading a health management organization, inquired about the good Reverend’s qualifications to give advice on matters concerning the community’s cybernetic health.  Reverend Crowley replied, “I am a certified Faith Healer with a proven track record.  I’ve preformed more than a thousand faith-healings and exorcisms on computers and on people.  I did most of ’em back in Uganda, where I did my mission.  I’ll show you my diploma from Oral Roberts University.  Oh, by the way, would you care to contribute to our cause?”  Schnee politely declined, but took up Reverend Crowley’s recommendation to reach out to a regular porn user who took DP’s recommendation.

Mervin Whitley of Fort Collins had this to say, “Yeah, I view a lot of porn.  I mean I really view LOADS of it.”  The 27-year old unemployed laborer who lives in his mother’s basement went on to elaborate the steps he takes to protect himself, his computer and other internet users, “Every time I view [internet porn], I make sure I’ve got one on my willy.”  He shows us the pile of greasy, spent condom wrappers around his Windows ’98 computer.  That way, I don’t get the pox, nor does anyone else in cyberspace.  As for Tilley [as he calls his computer], I bought special software from Reverend Crwoley.  It’s called Cyber-Condom 3000.  It only cost me $199.99 plus tax- money well-spent.  Neither Tilley nor me have gotten sick from my self-pleasuring as a result!”

At this point, Ludwig asked, “What about when a female is ‘soloing’ online?  What should she do to protect herself?”  Without missing a beat, Mr. Whitley answered, “She should have her partner wear a rubber when she solos.”

That’s it, readers, we’ve heard it all now… Apparently there is now a safe way to go solo!

Bolder Boulder Moved to Greeley Due to Parking, Crowding Woes

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In a press release earlier today, the Bolder Boulder organization stunned the running community and residents of Boulder with a last-minute announcement stating that the 10-kilometer race, now in its 41st annual running, will not be held in Boulder this year.  Reasons of over-crowding and problems with parking were cited.  “We will therefor be moving the race to beautiful, historic Greeley, Colorado.”  The race, it was explained, will begin at Island Grove Park, run past the Swift and Co. slaughterhouse, turn South on US 85 towards Evans and end right back where it starts.

When we at the Focopolian Tribune got wind of this news, we called the Bolder Boulder to find out about this last minute change of venue.  Surely there would be a hitch, after all, the race being held on Memorial Day, which is just three days after the publishing of this article.  Surely there will be logistical difficulties.  Thankfully Bolder Boulder spokeswoman Lola Renner called us back.

“Naaaahhh.  There will be no difficulty at all.  We’ll just get all our gear- timers, chips, bibs, promotional material, billboards, aid stations, tents, race medals, jerseys, sponsors and volunteers and put all that stuff in the back of my boyfriend’s pickup, and we’re set.  Shouldn’t take more than a couple of hours.”  Asked about the 50,000 participants and athletes who have signed up for the race, and in many cases flew in from faraway and made hotel reservations in Boulder and nearby communities, Renner said, “Uuuuhhhh… They’re on their own, but I think most of ’em know where Greeley is and it’s not too much of a haul, so… no problem.  Oh, yeah and we’ve actually got good parking there, ’cause after all, nobody goes to Greeley.  It’s not like any people actually live there; it’s all cows, and shit.  By the way, do they clean their roads after the cowboys drive the cattle down the main road?  I don’t know much about Greeley except what my mom told me about it after reading [James Michener’s epic novel] Centennial.”

 

Boulderites Butt-Hurt Over FoCo Fitness Levels

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By Jollie Thresher, Special Correspondent

It used to be, Boulder was known as the fittest city within the fittest state in the country. Nationwide, people held up Boulder as an example of where the leanest, fastest, best looking and most athletic Coloradoans—and Americans—lived. Boulder claimed to be the birthplace of the running boom in the ’70’s and onward. Boulder’s bikers had the coolest spandex, the most expensive bikes. Sports medicine blossomed there. From mountaineering to the CU Buffs, from Zumba to triathlons to the Paleo Diet, Boulder was the fitness capital of our state, our nation!! Salaaaaaaam!!!!!

That has changed, as your correspondent learned in a surprise encounter recently on the Poudre Trail. It was a sunny Saturday morning. I was amazed at the sheer numbers of endorphin-crazed individuals coming and going, on bikes, running, racewalking, swilling sports fluids, all with earphones in place. I swerved to avoid a young female pushing a stroller and attempting to disentangle her feet from her dog’s leash, and crashed into a biker on a Pinarella Dogma F10-Dura-Ace bike, who knocked me over and escaped a concussion due to his Bambino Pro-Aero helmet. He was wearing a jersey that said THE BADDER, THE BOULDER! MILE-HIGH IS FOR SISSIES and he was not happy.
“Watch it, lady!” he screamed.
Overlooking the anti-female slur, I got up and pointed in the direction of the stroller-pusher.
“Jeez!! You FoCo guys are just not focused! I’m TRAINING here,” he said, as if that explained everything, including his attitude. “In Boulder, this wouldn’t have happened!”
“You’re from Boulder? Do you have a minute to talk?”
“Yeh, but not more.” This was going to be a quick interview, but I sensed a lot of potential.

“So what brings you to Ft. Collins?”
“I heard everybody here has been kicking ass, athletically speaking. I wanted to have a look. We’re not gonna let you get ahead of us, no way!! Boulder is the fittest place in the world and we’re gonna keep it that way! We exercise five hours a day on average, we eat only non-GMO, vegetarian, gluten-free, diary-free food. We buy our sports gear from women-owned, free-trade, certifiably diverse companies. We can’t be elbowed out by a cow town! Money Magazine is showing up in a couple of weeks, and Boulder has to stay in first place!”
“You sound like a really competitive person,” I remarked.
“Better believe it! We are the fastest, the fittest, and you cowpokes think you can imitate us! Admit it, you’re a bunch of Boulder wanna-be’s. And look at that guy over there, he’s actually fat!” He pointed to a nearby farm field, where a husky Hispanic-looking guy was digging onions as part of a work crew. He waved cordially at us.
“Um, I’m not sure he’s a Ft. Collins native,” was all I could think of to say.
“Well, if you want Ft. Collins to get the Fittest City USA vote, he better get on board,” said the biker. Before I could get his name, he jumped back on his F10 and pedaled away.

Obviously, Fort Collins has made so much fitness progress in recent years that Boulder is quickly moving from the Mecca to the Medina of fitness. Focopolitans are always training for something: the Colorado Marathon, the Horsetooth Half, the Quad Rock, etc. Of course, many Focopolitans are doing much, much more: the Leadville Hundred, the Hawaii Ironman, the Death Valley Ultra, Extreme heli-skiing, or preparing to scale Everest. In Fort Collins, completing a simple marathon, 26.2 miles, is “for wimps.” Apparently, such a gung-ho athleticism is causing nervousness in Boulder. We’ll keep you posted.

Meanwhile, the guy out digging onions actually lives in Ft. Collins, but had little to offer when I approached him on the subject of fitness. There was something of a language barrier, but from what I understood, his opinion was, “I’m just trying to earn a living. I don’t give a fuck.”

“Fuck You” Mudra Enlightens Midtown Fort Collins Yoga Students

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This week local yoga teacher, Sushineguruji responded after hearing one of her students say, “It’s all good,” that today’s class message would be about embracing the “Fuck You” in life. She quoted, “The path to heaven is through hell,” from famed yogi Sri Swami Satchitananada. She continued to say, “We have to embrace the shittiest parts of our nature in order to transcend them.” Part of the class involved gazing into the eyes of another participant with the “fuck you” mudra, and fully embodying the personal meaning of this sentiment to cleanse the soul of repressed anger. Another exercise involved all yoga students in a circle bowing in prayer position to each and every person in turn saying, “fuck you.”

Some responded with laughter. “It was just so absurd,” said Ridley, a participant who decided to try yoga for the first time. While Bob, a class regular said, “I like it, I mean I realized if I could find something I hated about everyone in this class, then maybe I could also find something I could love in each person too. And then it just hit me. Dude, we really are ALL ONE! This was a powerful teaching, man. I am forever changed.”

The class ended with the mantra, “I bow to the shittiest part of your nature.” This was explained to be an important step in being present to the totality of life experience, and the potent shadow mantra to the customary, “Namaste,” which is often translated as “I bow to the light within you.”

Yoga student Moonbeam stated, “I’ll be honest and say at first I was shocked, but Sunshineguruji always knows the right thing to say. I feel truly cleansed and more enlightened to who I would like to say ‘Fuck you’ to now.” Another participant, Amber, shared, “I felt so much grace after embracing my shittiness. While holding the “fuck you” mantra, I wanted to pull Orion’s stinky dreadlocks out of his head and punch him in the face! However I realized I was just transferring feelings onto him from my former lover Bryce for cheating on me, and that I actually really love Orion. We made love afterwards, and it was truly cosmic.” Orion responded, “She’s really sexy when she’s pissed off.”

Will this become yoga’s newest trend? Sunshinegruruji said that she currently has a “Fuck You Yoga” teacher training program that is eligible for Yoga Alliance yoga teacher continuing education credits. There will be an article in next month’s Yoga Journal about more of the profound transformations from the practice of “Fuck You Yoga.” Be sure to look for it at the Fort Collins Food Co-op.

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