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Faith Healer: Protect Your Computer from Viruses, Wear a Condom Online

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In a public service announcement earlier today, the faith-based initiative, Faith Fort Collins Cyber-Disease Prevention Authority, commonly known as DP, urged parishioners and the public to take precautions against computer viruses by wearing condoms when getting online, particularly when viewing pornographic content.

Puzzled at this bizarre recommendation, we investigated the matter further.  The spokesman for DP, Reverend Cleatus Crowlwy had the following to say when we met up with him at his mansion in the up-market Eagle Ranch Road subdivision between Fort Collins and Loveland, “You know, there’s a ton of computer viruses out there, like the Ping Pong Virus, the Trojan Virus (not to be confused with the brand of condoms of the same name), worms, HIV, Hepatitis A, B, C, D, E and F, the herps, crabs, super crabs, gonorrhea and diarrhea and they’re all transmissible, especially when viewing internet porn.  The only true way to protect yourself from computer viruses 100% is by abstaining, but we all know how well that idea works.  Therefore, we recommend that users take the appropriate precautionary measures if they forego abstinence: wear a condom when viewing internet porn.”

Reporter Ludwig Schnee, puzzled at Reverend Crowley’s recommendation, not to mention that a cleric is now heading a health management organization, inquired about the good Reverend’s qualifications to give advice on matters concerning the community’s cybernetic health.  Reverend Crowley replied, “I am a certified Faith Healer with a proven track record.  I’ve preformed more than a thousand faith-healings and exorcisms on computers and on people.  I did most of ’em back in Uganda, where I did my mission.  I’ll show you my diploma from Oral Roberts University.  Oh, by the way, would you care to contribute to our cause?”  Schnee politely declined, but took up Reverend Crowley’s recommendation to reach out to a regular porn user who took DP’s recommendation.

Mervin Whitley of Fort Collins had this to say, “Yeah, I view a lot of porn.  I mean I really view LOADS of it.”  The 27-year old unemployed laborer who lives in his mother’s basement went on to elaborate the steps he takes to protect himself, his computer and other internet users, “Every time I view [internet porn], I make sure I’ve got one on my willy.”  He shows us the pile of greasy, spent condom wrappers around his Windows ’98 computer.  That way, I don’t get the pox, nor does anyone else in cyberspace.  As for Tilley [as he calls his computer], I bought special software from Reverend Crwoley.  It’s called Cyber-Condom 3000.  It only cost me $199.99 plus tax- money well-spent.  Neither Tilley nor me have gotten sick from my self-pleasuring as a result!”

At this point, Ludwig asked, “What about when a female is ‘soloing’ online?  What should she do to protect herself?”  Without missing a beat, Mr. Whitley answered, “She should have her partner wear a rubber when she solos.”

That’s it, readers, we’ve heard it all now… Apparently there is now a safe way to go solo!

Bolder Boulder Moved to Greeley Due to Parking, Crowding Woes

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In a press release earlier today, the Bolder Boulder organization stunned the running community and residents of Boulder with a last-minute announcement stating that the 10-kilometer race, now in its 41st annual running, will not be held in Boulder this year.  Reasons of over-crowding and problems with parking were cited.  “We will therefor be moving the race to beautiful, historic Greeley, Colorado.”  The race, it was explained, will begin at Island Grove Park, run past the Swift and Co. slaughterhouse, turn South on US 85 towards Evans and end right back where it starts.

When we at the Focopolian Tribune got wind of this news, we called the Bolder Boulder to find out about this last minute change of venue.  Surely there would be a hitch, after all, the race being held on Memorial Day, which is just three days after the publishing of this article.  Surely there will be logistical difficulties.  Thankfully Bolder Boulder spokeswoman Lola Renner called us back.

“Naaaahhh.  There will be no difficulty at all.  We’ll just get all our gear- timers, chips, bibs, promotional material, billboards, aid stations, tents, race medals, jerseys, sponsors and volunteers and put all that stuff in the back of my boyfriend’s pickup, and we’re set.  Shouldn’t take more than a couple of hours.”  Asked about the 50,000 participants and athletes who have signed up for the race, and in many cases flew in from faraway and made hotel reservations in Boulder and nearby communities, Renner said, “Uuuuhhhh… They’re on their own, but I think most of ’em know where Greeley is and it’s not too much of a haul, so… no problem.  Oh, yeah and we’ve actually got good parking there, ’cause after all, nobody goes to Greeley.  It’s not like any people actually live there; it’s all cows, and shit.  By the way, do they clean their roads after the cowboys drive the cattle down the main road?  I don’t know much about Greeley except what my mom told me about it after reading [James Michener’s epic novel] Centennial.”

 

Boulderites Butt-Hurt Over FoCo Fitness Levels

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By Jollie Thresher, Special Correspondent

It used to be, Boulder was known as the fittest city within the fittest state in the country. Nationwide, people held up Boulder as an example of where the leanest, fastest, best looking and most athletic Coloradoans—and Americans—lived. Boulder claimed to be the birthplace of the running boom in the ’70’s and onward. Boulder’s bikers had the coolest spandex, the most expensive bikes. Sports medicine blossomed there. From mountaineering to the CU Buffs, from Zumba to triathlons to the Paleo Diet, Boulder was the fitness capital of our state, our nation!! Salaaaaaaam!!!!!

That has changed, as your correspondent learned in a surprise encounter recently on the Poudre Trail. It was a sunny Saturday morning. I was amazed at the sheer numbers of endorphin-crazed individuals coming and going, on bikes, running, racewalking, swilling sports fluids, all with earphones in place. I swerved to avoid a young female pushing a stroller and attempting to disentangle her feet from her dog’s leash, and crashed into a biker on a Pinarella Dogma F10-Dura-Ace bike, who knocked me over and escaped a concussion due to his Bambino Pro-Aero helmet. He was wearing a jersey that said THE BADDER, THE BOULDER! MILE-HIGH IS FOR SISSIES and he was not happy.
“Watch it, lady!” he screamed.
Overlooking the anti-female slur, I got up and pointed in the direction of the stroller-pusher.
“Jeez!! You FoCo guys are just not focused! I’m TRAINING here,” he said, as if that explained everything, including his attitude. “In Boulder, this wouldn’t have happened!”
“You’re from Boulder? Do you have a minute to talk?”
“Yeh, but not more.” This was going to be a quick interview, but I sensed a lot of potential.

“So what brings you to Ft. Collins?”
“I heard everybody here has been kicking ass, athletically speaking. I wanted to have a look. We’re not gonna let you get ahead of us, no way!! Boulder is the fittest place in the world and we’re gonna keep it that way! We exercise five hours a day on average, we eat only non-GMO, vegetarian, gluten-free, diary-free food. We buy our sports gear from women-owned, free-trade, certifiably diverse companies. We can’t be elbowed out by a cow town! Money Magazine is showing up in a couple of weeks, and Boulder has to stay in first place!”
“You sound like a really competitive person,” I remarked.
“Better believe it! We are the fastest, the fittest, and you cowpokes think you can imitate us! Admit it, you’re a bunch of Boulder wanna-be’s. And look at that guy over there, he’s actually fat!” He pointed to a nearby farm field, where a husky Hispanic-looking guy was digging onions as part of a work crew. He waved cordially at us.
“Um, I’m not sure he’s a Ft. Collins native,” was all I could think of to say.
“Well, if you want Ft. Collins to get the Fittest City USA vote, he better get on board,” said the biker. Before I could get his name, he jumped back on his F10 and pedaled away.

Obviously, Fort Collins has made so much fitness progress in recent years that Boulder is quickly moving from the Mecca to the Medina of fitness. Focopolitans are always training for something: the Colorado Marathon, the Horsetooth Half, the Quad Rock, etc. Of course, many Focopolitans are doing much, much more: the Leadville Hundred, the Hawaii Ironman, the Death Valley Ultra, Extreme heli-skiing, or preparing to scale Everest. In Fort Collins, completing a simple marathon, 26.2 miles, is “for wimps.” Apparently, such a gung-ho athleticism is causing nervousness in Boulder. We’ll keep you posted.

Meanwhile, the guy out digging onions actually lives in Ft. Collins, but had little to offer when I approached him on the subject of fitness. There was something of a language barrier, but from what I understood, his opinion was, “I’m just trying to earn a living. I don’t give a fuck.”

“Fuck You” Mudra Enlightens Midtown Fort Collins Yoga Students

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This week local yoga teacher, Sushineguruji responded after hearing one of her students say, “It’s all good,” that today’s class message would be about embracing the “Fuck You” in life. She quoted, “The path to heaven is through hell,” from famed yogi Sri Swami Satchitananada. She continued to say, “We have to embrace the shittiest parts of our nature in order to transcend them.” Part of the class involved gazing into the eyes of another participant with the “fuck you” mudra, and fully embodying the personal meaning of this sentiment to cleanse the soul of repressed anger. Another exercise involved all yoga students in a circle bowing in prayer position to each and every person in turn saying, “fuck you.”

Some responded with laughter. “It was just so absurd,” said Ridley, a participant who decided to try yoga for the first time. While Bob, a class regular said, “I like it, I mean I realized if I could find something I hated about everyone in this class, then maybe I could also find something I could love in each person too. And then it just hit me. Dude, we really are ALL ONE! This was a powerful teaching, man. I am forever changed.”

The class ended with the mantra, “I bow to the shittiest part of your nature.” This was explained to be an important step in being present to the totality of life experience, and the potent shadow mantra to the customary, “Namaste,” which is often translated as “I bow to the light within you.”

Yoga student Moonbeam stated, “I’ll be honest and say at first I was shocked, but Sunshineguruji always knows the right thing to say. I feel truly cleansed and more enlightened to who I would like to say ‘Fuck you’ to now.” Another participant, Amber, shared, “I felt so much grace after embracing my shittiness. While holding the “fuck you” mantra, I wanted to pull Orion’s stinky dreadlocks out of his head and punch him in the face! However I realized I was just transferring feelings onto him from my former lover Bryce for cheating on me, and that I actually really love Orion. We made love afterwards, and it was truly cosmic.” Orion responded, “She’s really sexy when she’s pissed off.”

Will this become yoga’s newest trend? Sunshinegruruji said that she currently has a “Fuck You Yoga” teacher training program that is eligible for Yoga Alliance yoga teacher continuing education credits. There will be an article in next month’s Yoga Journal about more of the profound transformations from the practice of “Fuck You Yoga.” Be sure to look for it at the Fort Collins Food Co-op.

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