In a public service announcement earlier today, the faith-based initiative, Faith Fort Collins Cyber-Disease Prevention Authority, commonly known as DP, urged parishioners and the public to take precautions against computer viruses by wearing condoms when getting online, particularly when viewing pornographic content.
Puzzled at this bizarre recommendation, we investigated the matter further. The spokesman for DP, Reverend Cleatus Crowlwy had the following to say when we met up with him at his mansion in the up-market Eagle Ranch Road subdivision between Fort Collins and Loveland, “You know, there’s a ton of computer viruses out there, like the Ping Pong Virus, the Trojan Virus (not to be confused with the brand of condoms of the same name), worms, HIV, Hepatitis A, B, C, D, E and F, the herps, crabs, super crabs, gonorrhea and diarrhea and they’re all transmissible, especially when viewing internet porn. The only true way to protect yourself from computer viruses 100% is by abstaining, but we all know how well that idea works. Therefore, we recommend that users take the appropriate precautionary measures if they forego abstinence: wear a condom when viewing internet porn.”
Reporter Ludwig Schnee, puzzled at Reverend Crowley’s recommendation, not to mention that a cleric is now heading a health management organization, inquired about the good Reverend’s qualifications to give advice on matters concerning the community’s cybernetic health. Reverend Crowley replied, “I am a certified Faith Healer with a proven track record. I’ve preformed more than a thousand faith-healings and exorcisms on computers and on people. I did most of ’em back in Uganda, where I did my mission. I’ll show you my diploma from Oral Roberts University. Oh, by the way, would you care to contribute to our cause?” Schnee politely declined, but took up Reverend Crowley’s recommendation to reach out to a regular porn user who took DP’s recommendation.
Mervin Whitley of Fort Collins had this to say, “Yeah, I view a lot of porn. I mean I really view LOADS of it.” The 27-year old unemployed laborer who lives in his mother’s basement went on to elaborate the steps he takes to protect himself, his computer and other internet users, “Every time I view [internet porn], I make sure I’ve got one on my willy.” He shows us the pile of greasy, spent condom wrappers around his Windows ’98 computer. That way, I don’t get the pox, nor does anyone else in cyberspace. As for Tilley [as he calls his computer], I bought special software from Reverend Crwoley. It’s called Cyber-Condom 3000. It only cost me $199.99 plus tax- money well-spent. Neither Tilley nor me have gotten sick from my self-pleasuring as a result!”
At this point, Ludwig asked, “What about when a female is ‘soloing’ online? What should she do to protect herself?” Without missing a beat, Mr. Whitley answered, “She should have her partner wear a rubber when she solos.”
That’s it, readers, we’ve heard it all now… Apparently there is now a safe way to go solo!