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Health and Fitness

Cheyenne Prepares for Second Wave With Opening of Big New Cemetery

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Yesterday, at a press conference, spokesman for the city of Cheyenne Jamal Abdul-Rahman announced to an anxious Wyoming press corps his office’s plans for pre-emption of the impending Second Wave of the Kung-flu.  The bug, which has reportedly parted one hundred thousand Americans from their meat suits, has prompted states and municipalities to hustle.

“Our office has re-purposed various previously unused lots of land as a repository of mortal remains.  If there is one thing we have LOTS of in Cheyenne… heck, the whole state of Wyoming, it’s land.  Therefore, it behooves us to face this deadly bug with the greatest asset at our disposal.  Speaking of disposal, here in Cheyenne we foresee no difficulty whatsoever in disposal of our more unfortunate citizens who have kicked their air addictions.”  Mr. Abdul-Rahman continued, “What’s more is this: our approach to dealing with this problem will drastically reduce our long-term medical costs because the Kung-flu attacks the very people that most deplete our expensive health system: aging boomers.  Do you know how much it costs to keep these beings alive?  Can you see the savings?  We WELCOME the future.  As a matter of fact, it appears that the dude in charge at 1600 Pennsylvania might just be following our lead on that, so we take credit for that!”

We at the Focopolitan Tribune would like to add that there is a multiplier effect to such public policies.  Mr. Abdul-Rahman forgot to mention that multiple people will end up employed as a result, including: grave diggers, florists, greeting card manufacturers, undertakers, hearse drivers, car dealers that sell hearses, headstone cutters and religious celebrants.  This might just be the model for a new New Deal.

City Planning Employees Hone Skills with SimCity amid Corona Furloughs

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The Coronavirus Pandemic has caused much disruption in Northern Colorado as everywhere.  With layoffs and furloughs everywhere, not only are people finding themselves unemployed, our more skilled workers are also faced with the following dilemma regarding their skills: if you don’t use it, you lose it.  But not so with one Northern Colorado town…

At his upscale home near the Ptarmigan golf course, Deputy-Assistant-Vice-President for City Planning and Management for the town of Windsor, Mohammed Smith, bides his time.  Speaking from his patio couch, Mr. Smith granted your reporter, Ludwig Schnee an interview.  “Truth is, there just isn’t much we can do right now in the real world.” He went on, “But we can’t just let ourselves get soft.  We have vital skills that we can’t let go by the wayside. We gotta practice.  That’s why I play SimCity.”  The town of Windsor employee referred to the 1989 computer game made for the Commodore 66.  He went on, “It’s EXACTLY the same thing as my actual job.  It involves zoning, taxation, managing a city within a budget, electric grids, roads, rail lines, policing, crime, housing… and the occasional disaster!  I’m telling you, it’s just like managing a real city… and I can do that from the comfort of my own couch!”

Disturbed by the flippant overlooking of a critical factor, your reported inquired about the most critical thing of all in managing a city: the human factor- citizens, city councils, county commissioners, cops, workers, et al…

“Naaah!  No problem there.  If SimCity doesn’t have that problem factored in, then reality won’t either.  Simple as that.”  He changed the subject,  “It’s too bad I can’t get paid to play this game… err… keep my skills honed during this pandemic, but maybe the city might come up with some Donald Trump dough for me… and maybe my family too.”

CORONAVIRUS GIVES TEARFUL ACCEPTANCE SPEECH AT AWARDS CEREMONY

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The 1st Annual Pandemic Award, a joint effort put together by the World Health Organization (WHO) and the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), overwhelmingly voted for the new coronavirus as its inaugural winner.

Fort Collins was honored as the first town in the United States to hold such an event. Mainly because, “Well, they [the CDC] does research here in town for, like, diseases,” replied the janitor of the facility Dale Humperdinck. He was the only person on the premises when you’re intrepid reporter showed up before the big event. “Only place outside of Georgia!”

That night, the virus wearing a risqué dress and N95 mask to match, gratefully accepted the Double Helix statuette to a nearly empty house. Those in attendance were sitting at least 6 feet apart dressed in Hazmat suits, following accepted WHO and CDC guidelines for infectious diseases.

“This means so much to me,” gushed the virus. “I mean I’m so new and to be given this award….just shows you what hard work can do!”

As the virus continued, it had to continually use the hem of its dress to wipe away tears of joy. “I would’ve thought Ebola or another viral hemorrhagic fever would be first. Hell, even bubonic plague probably would’ve topped the list. But little, ole me? You guys are great! To be so new and so honored in this fashion. Thank you, thank you!”

Outside the venue anti-anti-activists were waiting to congratulate the recipient.

“I mean, Mother Nature is just healing itself right now. It’s amazing!” gushed one young man in dreadlocks and a tie-dyed shirt. “It was able to do what we have spent years protesting about. Oh, gotta go join the drum circle.”

And with that your intrepid reporter watched as anti-anti-activists joined for a rousing chorus of Kumbaya within a drum circle instituted by a group that, individually, drove up from Boulder.

Fort Collins Book Festival Welcomes Surprise Guest: Pat Buchanan

in Business and Economics/Health and Fitness/Politics by

It was an utter surprise to all attendees of the Fort Collins Book Festival when conservative Republican author Pat Buchanan crashed the party.  With a theme of “Food For Thought” this was an unusual event for Mr. Buchanan too, who up to now has not been known for being a foodie.  “This festival is great!  I thought it was going to be just pure mudslinging at me, but folks here really gave me a warm welcome,” commented Mr. Buchanan.

One of the Book Festival’s organizers, Tracy Echevarria-Smith granted your reporter a few precious moments of her time on this busy weekend.  She had this to say about Mr. Buchanan, “First off, we’ve been criticized for having the same authors, the same ideas and basically the same show every year.  When Pat Buchanan essentially invited himself here, we were overjoyed. Second, we have a really diverse group racially; we have a Native American chef, a Latina, an African American woman and all sorts of folks from disadvantaged and/or minority groups talking about what food means to them.  This may be a racially diverse group, but let’s face it: we all think alike, we all vote alike and we’re all progressive.  Having Pat speak makes us inclusive, in more ways than just race.  Not only that, but here’s the real advantage: it makes our foodie fest original.  We’ve seen and heard all the organic-local-fair trade people have to show and say.  Let’s hear what other people have to say.  Pat’s gonna be talking about big ag- the unignorable food provider without which we would mostly starve.  Let’s see people in Boulder top that for inclusiveness!  So, we don’t fall in love with Archer Daniels Midland or Monsanto, but are you really gonna tell me that these people who have done more to save Africa [agribusiness] from starvation than 1000 Bonos [referring to the lead singer of U2 who is also known as Paul Hewson] are evil?  Well, that’s what all the food pharisees at Whole Foods would have you believe.  Not just that, but don’t you want to hear what a white, rich, Christian man has to say for once?”

To our utter surprise, Pat Buchanan granted your reporter Ludwig Schnee a brief comment!  “Oh, I’ll tell you, I LOVE agribusiness.  It’s the most efficient form of growing food.”  When your reporter politely told Mr. Buchanan that it takes roughly 13 pounds of grain to produce one pound of beef, and that it took some 100 gallons of water to produce one pound of feed, and that lots of efficiency is lost in the process, Mr. Buchanan retorted, “Meat is therefore the best, most effective way to eat vegetables and keep hydrated.”  he added, “You eat cows, and what do cows eat?  Vegetables!  It’s like you’re going vegan, just more efficiently.  You know what else?  Fried meat is good for your heart so long as you fry it in vegetable oil.  Okay, I gotta go.  All this food talk and these books made me want to write.”  Asked what his book  was going to be about, the Republican author replied,  “It’s title is going to be Agribusiness: It Sucks Less Than You Think.”

Bernie Sanders Elected President… of Loveland Elks Club

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In a prepared speech at a press conference outside of a Las Vegas hospital, last Friday, spokesman for the Loveland Elk’s Lodge #10334458, Mortimer Moore stated, “On behalf of Elk’s Lodge #10334458 of Loveland, Colorado, we wish the Senator from Vermont a full and speedy recovery.  Furthermore, noting the good Senator’s great interest in the betterment of the lot of all Americans, our lodge has elected him honorary president.  Given his health, it appears that this will be his last and best chance at being president of anything.  What’s more?  Our lodge is less than a five minute ambulance ride from the finest cardiac nurses and surgeons at MCR.  For real- those folks work with Greeley’s meth heads all the time, so treating a guy like Bernie’s gonna be a breeze for ’em, but that’s a little off subject.”  He went on,  “Seriously, the senator needs to chill out with us and reduce his chances of another cardiac episode, and when it comes to calming down, nobody beats the Elks.  Don’t believe me?  Just come on a Friday night, and watch re-runs of the Lawrence Welk Show with us and you’ll see what I mean.”

This gesture by the Loveland Elk’s Lodge has not gone unnoticed.  The Fort Collins Lions and Tigers and Bears Club, when contacted had this to say, “Awww… Dammit!  Why didn’t WE think of that?  I’ll tell you what: we’ll dispense with our usual breakfast of coffee, pancakes, bacon and eggs for a Kosher option lox and bagels- no cream cheese or coffee-just too dangerous.”  The unidentified Lions and Tigers and Bears Club secretary proceeded.  “Oooohhhhh… so the Loveland Elks are selling the fact that they’re a five-minute ambulance ride away from the hospital?  Well… we’re only a fifteen minute hearse ride away from the Synagogue, in the event…  Y*w3h calls him.  I’d like to see them guys in Loveland give Bernie a proper chevra kadisha.”  He nervously cleared his throat.  “In any event, folks in the community’ve been giving us all manner of shit about being too white, old and Christian.  Letting a guy like Bernie into our ranks would surely contribute to our diversity and reduce our average age by several years.”

Your reporter Ludwig Schnee contacted the Sanders campaign which duly put us on the line with the Senator who apparently has been recovering well.  The Senator had this to say, “At least I was treated by private doctors.  If I got the medical treatment I proposed for the American people, I’d be at Temple and you’d be praying Kaddish.”

Holiday Involves Reunion of Live People Around Dead Bird

in Arts and Entertainment/Business and Economics/Health and Fitness/Local Flavor by

This Thursday, November 22nd, we at the Focopolitan Tribune noticed an utterly bizarre cult-like ritual.  A multi-generational agglomeration of an area kin-group assembled between four walls, exchanged greetings and pleasantries and roasted a dead bird.  After roasting said bird, the human kin-group held hands.  Soon after, an elder spoke utterances to a sky-daddy, requesting divine benediction upon the dead avian.  The elder subsequently cut into the bird, probably of the species meleagris gallopavo.  After the ritual incision of the bird’s fleshy breast, the kin group started literally to devour the beast together with sour-tasting, but edible small fruits.

What followed was a welter of feasting, with people gorging themselves on avian meat, the small sour fruits, heavy sauce and mashed potatoes.  After picking the bird literally to the bone much like vultures on a wildebeest carcass on a vintage Wild Discovery episode, the kin group devoured a reduction of a sugary orange-colored gourd baked over a thin layer of buttered flour.  After the bizarre communal feasting, some members of the kin-group swore non-binding weight-loss oaths.

Concluding the parade of oddity, the assembled went on to refer to the following day as “Black Friday” and began discussing plans that reeked nefariously of a corporate capitalist takeover OF THE ENTIRE COUNTRY!!

Old Town West Resident: Golf Course Should Become Section 8 Housing

in Business and Economics/Environment/Health and Fitness/Local Flavor by

Old Town West, the up-scale, left-of-center neighborhood vaguely comprising West Mountain and Laporte Avenues is home to a few thousand people.  It’s a place of old, renovated homes and well-kept lawns.  It is also a place where Focopolitans can easily see more than a few lawns with signs that read, “Regarless of where you’re from, we’re happy you’re our neighbor” written in Spanish, English and Arabic.  For area resident Harry Schacht, the sign is more than hollow virtue-signalling.  He explains, “Lots of folks here just put that sign on their lawn to show how liberal they are, but when the rubber meets the road, what do they do to really include people?  Diddle!  I’m not like them, and I’d say lots of folks in Fort Collins aren’t either.  To prove that point, I’m going to the city council and I’m gonna propose something real: to turn City Park 9 Golf Course into section 8 housing.  Or as I like to call the project, ‘Change the 9 to an 8.'”

Surprised at such a radical proposal, reporter Ludwig Schnee asked Mr. Schacht to elaborate on his plan.  Using an old-fashioned flip chart instead of a powerpoint presentation, Mr. Schacht went on to explain that such an idea was good because golf courses use vast amounts of water, which in Colorado is scarce.  Also, they use vast amounts of chemical fertilizers which are harmful to the river ecosystem.  Just eliminating them would improve things.  He added, “Then there’s the human factor.  We really want to be inclusive, diverse and equitable, and let’s face it: we’re really rich here in OTW (as Old Town West is abbreviated) and for the rich to live well, we need the poor.  Seriously, do you think, I wash my own Prius, mow my own lawn, landscape my own bonsai trees or raise my own grandkids?  Do you know where my house cleaner, the nanny and my landscaper live?  It’s way out in the trailer park, and they have to drive here!  Imagine that!  They have to drive here!  In THEIR cars!  Do you know how much carbon is released into our atmosphere just for them to drive that old wreck of a hooptie to my house?  Not only that, but the thing is hideous!  It ruins the view every time they come.  When I have my grandkids over, and Maria’s taking care of them…”  he paused, “That ugly-ass 1990s Buick is a real piece of shit to look at.” He proceeded, “It’s far better to have our servants live near us- as in within walking distance.  That way, they can get our houses clean, wash our cars, raise our kids and that way, we’ll live in a truly diverse, equitable and environmentally sustainable place.”  Asked, about what Foco’s golfers would have to say about the plan, Mr. Schacht replied, “Who cares?  Golf is such a snooty, elitist game, anyway.  Why should I care about what those smug, classist people have to say?  They just take up space like the greens they golf on.”

It is unclear how this proposal will be implemented.

Cheyenne Truck Stop Debuts Vegan Eatery

in Business and Economics/Health and Fitness/Local Flavor by

In a move that defies stereotypes, the Floating K Truck Stop announced earlier today that it will be opening a new mode of eating at their Cheyenne location. The truck stop, which is located where the East-West highway I-80 meets the North-South Highway, I-25 is very well known to truckers across the country. There, truckers from all over North America fill up, park and eat on their way to their next destinations. While truckers are more known for their partiality to chicken-fried steaks, burgers-and-fries, pancakes-and-waffles with maple syrup and the like, the managers of the Floating K have more enlightened ideas for their patrons.

Spokesman Billy Miller stated, “It is clear that truckers live a sedentary life and that many suffer from obesity, diabetes and heart failure because of it. What better way for us to not kill our clientele than to offer them better food?” He went on, “We are true, red-white-and-blue American capitalists and we cater to the reddest-whitest-and-bluest of Americans: truckers. If we’re gonna be real Americans, we must be good capitalists. That means giving your customers what they want, right? Wrong! Well, not necessarily. While we like to eat a good-ol’ steak and eggs with freedom fries every-now-and-then, we can’t go around offering it to people all the time. That’s just gonna kill ‘em, and for us to have a clientele in the first place, we have to keep them alive. We won’t do that for long, if we keep offering them a diet of GMO grain-fed beef and poultry, fried in cholesterol-oil and served with artery clogging gravy and sugary syrups. Better they eat quinoa patties with tofu made from organic soya beans. Even better if they down it with a cilantro and arugula smoothie with carrot juice instead of soda.”

Focopolitan Tribune reporters Ludwig Schnee and Buck Hummingbird visited the new eatery and approached a crowd gathering around a big-screen TV with NASCAR showing on it. We asked a burly man with a ZZ-Top beard and a beer belly if he was there for refueling or for the vegan fare. He replied, “You got a death wish, buddy?” Apparently, not all truckers are too keen on the novelty. Some, though, expressed a positive, if reserved sentiment towards the vegan option, “My old lady is always on my case to eat better, so I guess I’ll try it.” said Billy-Bob Doyle of Fayetteville, Arkansas.

In other news, the Floating K announced that it has plans to open a yoga studio sometime early next year to accompany the vegan restaurant.

Faith Healer: Protect Your Computer from Viruses, Wear a Condom Online

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In a public service announcement earlier today, the faith-based initiative, Faith Fort Collins Cyber-Disease Prevention Authority, commonly known as DP, urged parishioners and the public to take precautions against computer viruses by wearing condoms when getting online, particularly when viewing pornographic content.

Puzzled at this bizarre recommendation, we investigated the matter further.  The spokesman for DP, Reverend Cleatus Crowlwy had the following to say when we met up with him at his mansion in the up-market Eagle Ranch Road subdivision between Fort Collins and Loveland, “You know, there’s a ton of computer viruses out there, like the Ping Pong Virus, the Trojan Virus (not to be confused with the brand of condoms of the same name), worms, HIV, Hepatitis A, B, C, D, E and F, the herps, crabs, super crabs, gonorrhea and diarrhea and they’re all transmissible, especially when viewing internet porn.  The only true way to protect yourself from computer viruses 100% is by abstaining, but we all know how well that idea works.  Therefore, we recommend that users take the appropriate precautionary measures if they forego abstinence: wear a condom when viewing internet porn.”

Reporter Ludwig Schnee, puzzled at Reverend Crowley’s recommendation, not to mention that a cleric is now heading a health management organization, inquired about the good Reverend’s qualifications to give advice on matters concerning the community’s cybernetic health.  Reverend Crowley replied, “I am a certified Faith Healer with a proven track record.  I’ve preformed more than a thousand faith-healings and exorcisms on computers and on people.  I did most of ’em back in Uganda, where I did my mission.  I’ll show you my diploma from Oral Roberts University.  Oh, by the way, would you care to contribute to our cause?”  Schnee politely declined, but took up Reverend Crowley’s recommendation to reach out to a regular porn user who took DP’s recommendation.

Mervin Whitley of Fort Collins had this to say, “Yeah, I view a lot of porn.  I mean I really view LOADS of it.”  The 27-year old unemployed laborer who lives in his mother’s basement went on to elaborate the steps he takes to protect himself, his computer and other internet users, “Every time I view [internet porn], I make sure I’ve got one on my willy.”  He shows us the pile of greasy, spent condom wrappers around his Windows ’98 computer.  That way, I don’t get the pox, nor does anyone else in cyberspace.  As for Tilley [as he calls his computer], I bought special software from Reverend Crwoley.  It’s called Cyber-Condom 3000.  It only cost me $199.99 plus tax- money well-spent.  Neither Tilley nor me have gotten sick from my self-pleasuring as a result!”

At this point, Ludwig asked, “What about when a female is ‘soloing’ online?  What should she do to protect herself?”  Without missing a beat, Mr. Whitley answered, “She should have her partner wear a rubber when she solos.”

That’s it, readers, we’ve heard it all now… Apparently there is now a safe way to go solo!

Bolder Boulder Moved to Greeley Due to Parking, Crowding Woes

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In a press release earlier today, the Bolder Boulder organization stunned the running community and residents of Boulder with a last-minute announcement stating that the 10-kilometer race, now in its 41st annual running, will not be held in Boulder this year.  Reasons of over-crowding and problems with parking were cited.  “We will therefor be moving the race to beautiful, historic Greeley, Colorado.”  The race, it was explained, will begin at Island Grove Park, run past the Swift and Co. slaughterhouse, turn South on US 85 towards Evans and end right back where it starts.

When we at the Focopolian Tribune got wind of this news, we called the Bolder Boulder to find out about this last minute change of venue.  Surely there would be a hitch, after all, the race being held on Memorial Day, which is just three days after the publishing of this article.  Surely there will be logistical difficulties.  Thankfully Bolder Boulder spokeswoman Lola Renner called us back.

“Naaaahhh.  There will be no difficulty at all.  We’ll just get all our gear- timers, chips, bibs, promotional material, billboards, aid stations, tents, race medals, jerseys, sponsors and volunteers and put all that stuff in the back of my boyfriend’s pickup, and we’re set.  Shouldn’t take more than a couple of hours.”  Asked about the 50,000 participants and athletes who have signed up for the race, and in many cases flew in from faraway and made hotel reservations in Boulder and nearby communities, Renner said, “Uuuuhhhh… They’re on their own, but I think most of ’em know where Greeley is and it’s not too much of a haul, so… no problem.  Oh, yeah and we’ve actually got good parking there, ’cause after all, nobody goes to Greeley.  It’s not like any people actually live there; it’s all cows, and shit.  By the way, do they clean their roads after the cowboys drive the cattle down the main road?  I don’t know much about Greeley except what my mom told me about it after reading [James Michener’s epic novel] Centennial.”

 

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