Monthly archive

May 2017

Greetings Focopolitans!

in Greetings! by
Forest
“Greetings, Focopolitans!  Welcome to Fort Collins’ premiere source of community satirical news.  We look forward to serving you some fine satire in the weeks/years to come.  In the meantime, we would like to give our readers a little explanation of our name: Focopolitan is our demonym for Fort Collins.  A demonym, in case you haven’t guessed, is what you call a person from a given place.  Demos comes from Greek; it means people.  Nym is name – get it?  If you’re from Denver you’re a Denverite.  If You’re from Halifax, you’re a Haligonian.  If you’re from Galsgow, you’re Glaswegian.  Up until you clicked on our page, Fort Collins had no demonym (we know, ’cause one of our staff members even asked our mayor!).  

 “Let’s break it down: FoCo is short for FOrt COllins.  -Politan comes from the Greek word polis, meaning city-state.  It denotes a person from a given polis.  Combine the two, and there you have it – a person from FoCo!  

 “The Focopolitan Tribune has as its raison d’être (‘that’s reason for being’ in French) to champion AND ridicule both the city of Fort Collins (and in extension the greater Northern Colorado are) and its politics. 

 “We are currently working on our website, so we thought we’d just drop you a line to let you know that we’ll be coming soon with some good stuff for you!”

Bison Population of Soapstone Prairie controlled with Re-introduction of American Indian

in Environment by
Aiming to establish a balance between predators and prey in Soapstone Prairie, the Larimer County Board of Commissioners by unanimity voted to re-introduce natural predators to the newly-established bison herd of the City of Fort Collins-run open space.  After considering a series of options, it seemed that our board of commissioners was partial to the wolf, a high-food chain canine predator whose re-introduction to Yellowstone National Park some three decades ago proved a resounding success, but after cursory discussion, consensus turned to the American Indian.
The establishment of  a pre-white settlement ecosystem in Larimer County dates back to 2008 when Latimer County and the City of Fort Collins established Soapstone Prairie and Red Mountain Open Space respectively.  In 2015, Larimer County Open Spaces re-introduced the North American Bison to a part of Soapstone Prairie.  But what was supposed to be a sustainable herd of bison has ballooned into a problematic headache to the Larimer County Board of Commissioners.  “When the bison herd had its first calf, we rejoiced and the news even reached the [newspaper the Fort Collins] Coloradoan.  Now it seems that every month they pop out another calf!  Things are getting out of control here.”  Larimer County Commissioner Steve Johnson said.  “Wolves are simply not enough to keep the population in check.  After watching a History Channel documentary we are quite well-informed on the interaction between the animal and the Indians that lived here long ago.  It seems the animal provided all manner of items that the people needed: shoes, meat, material to make rugs; the Walmart of its time.  Then, I watched a PBS show about the Sand Creek Massacre, and we thought, ‘what better way to make up for that wrong than this?’  We could not pass up the opportunity”  He went on to say, “Wen we considered the interests of nearby residents and ranchers, who would be seriously and adversely affected by wolves, we just thought that bringing a band of Indians in would do the trick.  Now, I want to go home to watch Game of Thrones.”
 
In an interview with the Focopolitan Tribune, American Indian spokesman Yawning Coyote Pratt commented, “What the fuck am I doing here?  How in the hell am I supposed to feed my family with this lousy-ass bow-and arrow?  At least give me a hunting rifle!”  Asked about the Board of Commissioners’ decision to reintroduce him and his family to Soapstone Prairie, Yawning Coyote protested, “I’m Navajo!  Our people never even hunted buffalo!  Gaiter, how would you like it if I gave you this bow-and-arrow and sent your black ass back to Africa?  And you, Donnelly: Go get some potato seeds and see if you can make it after I drop you off in some armpit of Ireland!  Take me back to Arizona, I’ve got a casino to run!”
 
Larimer County Senior Naturalists will track the progress of the Indian population and its adaptation to the Soapstone Prairie ecosystem.  Viewing of both the American Indian and the bison herd is accessible to the public and can be done at the viewing zone at the entrance of the Natural Area.

Northern Colorado Chapter of Ku Klux Klan to Include Asians

in Local Flavor by
Citing lagging membership due to their elderly following, the Northern Colorado chapter of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan announced in a press release last Tuesday that it would open its ranks to Asian-Americans, “But we’re only taking about slants.  We still hate dune coons and mud people,” stated the chapter’s Kleagle.
The Klan has had a long and proud tradition in Colorado over the past century, which includes such notables as five-term Denver mayor Benjamin Stapleton.  In the decades after the heyday of the Stapleton Years, the Klan saw a steady decline of participating members.  During the Civil Rights era, J. Edgar Hoover’s FBI infiltrated the white supremacist group sending its highest-ranking members to prison and the movement to the margins of American politics.  Membership in the Klan dropped precipitously.  Since then, the Klan has not fully recovered its prominence either in Colorado or in the US.  The recent inclusion of Asian-Americans into its ranks is a new and innovative attempt on the part of the KKK to regain its stature, at least in Colorado.
In a phone interview with the Focopolitan Tribune, the Kleagle, or head recruitment officer of Northern Colorado, who requested anonymity said, “Sometimes I feel that we at the KKK don’t get the respect that we deserve for our part in forging the Centennial State.  When they closed down the old Denver airport, we lost the last public thing named after one of us in all of Colorado.  At least the neighborhood’s still named after him… And the Black Lives Matter movement might even change that.  We have to do something about this.”  He further lamented, “They don’t make bigots like they used to here in Colorado, and all the ones that stuck ‘round are dyin’ off.  It’s too bad that Coloradans just don’t value hate no more.  Folks here is just too damn tolerant and inclusive, and we’ve got to put an end to that.  What am I supposed to do?  I reckon I could move down South, but I’d feel like I’m abandoning the cause of bigotry in my beloved Colorado if I did that.”
He added, “We’re seriously thinkin’ of includ’n’ Jews if the Asians doesn’t grow our numbers.  Regardless, we still hate: immigrants, beaners, spicks, Indians of both kinds, faggots, lezzies, trannies, half-breeds, sand niggers and of course real niggers.”  When asked if this new inclusiveness would undermine the Klan’s identity as a racist organization, the Kleagle simply stated, Back in the day, we wouldn’t include Catholics, but now we do.  Just ‘cause we’re includ’n’ more people, don’t make us no less racist.  Back in the early days [of the Ku Klux Klan], who even thought of hating Mexicans or Muslims?  Who’d ever even heard of transgendered people, dykes or fags?  Now, we’re proud to say that nobody in ‘merica hates ‘em more than us.”

Adult Industry Talent Scouts Found at Greeley West High School Career Fair

in Arts and Entertainment by
In what has become a first in Weld County District 6 history, administrators have allowed representatives of D and L Entertainment, an adult industry conglomerate, which includes such websites as dekwansxxxwhitebitches.com and lusciouslindyslustylesbolovers.com, to set up booths alongside other prospective local and national employers. The controversial move has drawn outspoken criticism, indeed ire, from parents, religious leaders and the community at large. “This is so inappropriate! I can’t believe the district allowed pornographers into our school and left Jesus out!” remarked one anonymous parent.

 Dekwan Washington and Linda “Lindy” Dawson, partners in more than just business ventures, had a far more pedestrian view of their entry into the high school’s career fair. “We’re just scouting for some new talent for our ‘barely legal’ category. SoCal and South Florida just can’t fill the demand for it. We’re a growing industry.” Remarked Dekwan, “We’ve been getting lots of interest from the young women here…and some of the staff! I could use’em in our MILF section but that ain’t what we came here for.” Asked about the controversy that surrounded her and Dekwan’s professional presence there, Dawson added, “Well, if people don’t want to work for us, they don’t have to. Just like if they don’t want to work for McDonald’s they don’t have to either, and if they don’t like porn, we’re not forcing them to watch it. Serious, folks, get over yourselves.” Linda and Dekwan added that in the state of California alone more than 10,000 people are employed in some way in the adult entertainment business, where it is a $13 billon dollar annual industry. “What other $13 billon, 10,000-employee business should be denied access to a good staffing solution like this?”

 School administrators remained officially mum over their decision, but it appears to the Focopolitan Tribune that they did not fully know what D and L Entertainment was until the career fair was long underway. Speaking to our reporters, an administrator took a nuanced view of D and L Entertainment’s presence, “Well, what can I say? Having the adult industry here just opens another door of opportunity for some students to maybe get a shot at winning for once.” The administrator added, “All branches of the military recruit here, and that job can actually kill you, maim you and give you PTSD—the real kind, not the chicken-shit-safe-space variety! Are any of those parent-protestors going to tell me that the porn industry, which doesn’t get you killed, is somehow worse? It’s okay to go off to kill and die for your country no questions asked, but acting in an adult film is somehow worth the community’s protest?”

 Dekwan and Linda were pleased with the overall result of the career fair. “We had quite a bit of interest and when they’ve graduated and turned 18, we’ll be giving them a call,” replied Linda. “Definitely will have to try something like this again…much more impressive than recruiting from down-on-their-luck actors!” Dekwan added.

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