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City to Include Criminals on Police Oversight Board

in Local Flavor/Politics by

After a long year full of racial, social and political violence and increased calls for police accountability throughout the United States, the City of Fort Collins has conceived a groundbreaking idea: a committee to oversee the police which is to include criminals.

We reached FCPS spokeswoman Betty Humpter for comment.  She had this to say, “Our community is about inclusivity and diversity, isn’t it?  If we’re gonna have oversight of our police, we need to include a more diverse board; not only do we want a racially diverse board, but we want it socially inclusive too.  That’s why we’ve invited a whole cross-section of FoCo criminality, from burglars, to murderers, to the more run-of-the-mill drug traffickers and fraudsters.  The only people we don’t have here is child molesters, ’cause even the ordinary, decent scumbags can’t stand a chi-mo.”  When asked about the controversial move to get input from criminals on policing matters, she replied, “How can you have policing without criminals?  It’s kind of like having an economy without consumers or football without the pigskin, isn’t it?  Not only that, but isn’t it criminals most affected by our boys and gals in blue?  It’s about time their voices should be heard.  When we say that we’re about inclusion and diversity, we don’t just mean it, we put our taxpayers’ money where our mouths are.”

Area criminal “D-dawgg” (he declined to reveal his real name) gave his two cents worth of a comment, “Yeah, I can’t wait to get outta da slammer at least for a couple hours.  They offer free pizza, and shit.  Uuuhhh… yeah, the cops should go easy on us… you know, discourage homeowners from using cameras, not setting up neighborhood watch and shit, and letting us do our deal.  We just wanna make a living and shit.”

We contacted Fort Collins Police Commissar, Geoffrey Freedom, and he had the following to say, “100% of our officers are on-board with this.”  He went on, “We at FCPS [Fort Collins Police Services] welcome more equitable interactions with those who keep us in a job.  99 times out of 100 our interactions with criminals involves handcuffs on them, a tasing, and on occasion, a good, old-fashioned beat-down, so a dialogue would be a welcome change in interaction.  We can’t wait to hear what criminals have to tell us about how to do our job.”

Applications at the Larimer County Jail have been pouring in, and selection has been hampered by an overwhelming sense of civic duty on the part of our beloved criminal members of our community.  We at the Focopolitan Tribune think that this is yet another wonderful idea in the greater police reform movement.  We also think that nothing can go wrong with this well-intentioned social experiment.

Cheyenne Prepares for Second Wave With Opening of Big New Cemetery

in Health and Fitness/Politics by

Yesterday, at a press conference, spokesman for the city of Cheyenne Jamal Abdul-Rahman announced to an anxious Wyoming press corps his office’s plans for pre-emption of the impending Second Wave of the Kung-flu.  The bug, which has reportedly parted one hundred thousand Americans from their meat suits, has prompted states and municipalities to hustle.

“Our office has re-purposed various previously unused lots of land as a repository of mortal remains.  If there is one thing we have LOTS of in Cheyenne… heck, the whole state of Wyoming, it’s land.  Therefore, it behooves us to face this deadly bug with the greatest asset at our disposal.  Speaking of disposal, here in Cheyenne we foresee no difficulty whatsoever in disposal of our more unfortunate citizens who have kicked their air addictions.”  Mr. Abdul-Rahman continued, “What’s more is this: our approach to dealing with this problem will drastically reduce our long-term medical costs because the Kung-flu attacks the very people that most deplete our expensive health system: aging boomers.  Do you know how much it costs to keep these beings alive?  Can you see the savings?  We WELCOME the future.  As a matter of fact, it appears that the dude in charge at 1600 Pennsylvania might just be following our lead on that, so we take credit for that!”

We at the Focopolitan Tribune would like to add that there is a multiplier effect to such public policies.  Mr. Abdul-Rahman forgot to mention that multiple people will end up employed as a result, including: grave diggers, florists, greeting card manufacturers, undertakers, hearse drivers, car dealers that sell hearses, headstone cutters and religious celebrants.  This might just be the model for a new New Deal.

Stimulus Checks Bounce

in Business and Economics/Politics by
US Treasury stimulus check examples

At his suburban Fort Collins home, area resident Larry Mason drops his jaw as he checks his mail.  Opening an envelope indicating an ‘Insufficient Funds’ notice he says “What?  (…) How did that happen?”  While an insufficient funds notification is nothing particularly new, what makes this matter noteworthy is where the check came from and who wrote it.

The check in question was a stimulus check.  It was emitted by no less than the United States Treasury with the name Donald J. Trump somewhere on the bottom left.  “What the…? How can that even happen?  How’s that even work?  It don’t get no lower than that!  I ain’t paying no $12 fee.  No way, Jose!”

Mr. Mason is not alone in getting bouncy checks from the Unites States Treasury.  Alejandro Medina, also of Fort Collins got one too.  “I got an ISF notification from my bank online.  When I looked, it was the stimulus check!  What da fuck?!”

Your reporter took a deeper look into this matter, by doing what Bob Woodward did back in 1973-74.  The Focopolitan Tribune ‘followed the money.’  To our utter astonishment, we have concluded that our government spends more money than it takes in!  So we called the United States Treasury in Washington, DC, and this is what a phone bank secretary told us, “What?  We sent y’all a bounced check?  Oopsie daisy!  Let me call Karen in accounting and she can get this sorted out.”

Something tells us that things will be just fine… especially since there’s the name of a guy on those checks who’s been bankrupt no less than six times!

 

City Planning Employees Hone Skills with SimCity amid Corona Furloughs

in Health and Fitness/Local Flavor/Politics by

The Coronavirus Pandemic has caused much disruption in Northern Colorado as everywhere.  With layoffs and furloughs everywhere, not only are people finding themselves unemployed, our more skilled workers are also faced with the following dilemma regarding their skills: if you don’t use it, you lose it.  But not so with one Northern Colorado town…

At his upscale home near the Ptarmigan golf course, Deputy-Assistant-Vice-President for City Planning and Management for the town of Windsor, Mohammed Smith, bides his time.  Speaking from his patio couch, Mr. Smith granted your reporter, Ludwig Schnee an interview.  “Truth is, there just isn’t much we can do right now in the real world.” He went on, “But we can’t just let ourselves get soft.  We have vital skills that we can’t let go by the wayside. We gotta practice.  That’s why I play SimCity.”  The town of Windsor employee referred to the 1989 computer game made for the Commodore 66.  He went on, “It’s EXACTLY the same thing as my actual job.  It involves zoning, taxation, managing a city within a budget, electric grids, roads, rail lines, policing, crime, housing… and the occasional disaster!  I’m telling you, it’s just like managing a real city… and I can do that from the comfort of my own couch!”

Disturbed by the flippant overlooking of a critical factor, your reported inquired about the most critical thing of all in managing a city: the human factor- citizens, city councils, county commissioners, cops, workers, et al…

“Naaah!  No problem there.  If SimCity doesn’t have that problem factored in, then reality won’t either.  Simple as that.”  He changed the subject,  “It’s too bad I can’t get paid to play this game… err… keep my skills honed during this pandemic, but maybe the city might come up with some Donald Trump dough for me… and maybe my family too.”

Fort Collins Book Festival Welcomes Surprise Guest: Pat Buchanan

in Business and Economics/Health and Fitness/Politics by

It was an utter surprise to all attendees of the Fort Collins Book Festival when conservative Republican author Pat Buchanan crashed the party.  With a theme of “Food For Thought” this was an unusual event for Mr. Buchanan too, who up to now has not been known for being a foodie.  “This festival is great!  I thought it was going to be just pure mudslinging at me, but folks here really gave me a warm welcome,” commented Mr. Buchanan.

One of the Book Festival’s organizers, Tracy Echevarria-Smith granted your reporter a few precious moments of her time on this busy weekend.  She had this to say about Mr. Buchanan, “First off, we’ve been criticized for having the same authors, the same ideas and basically the same show every year.  When Pat Buchanan essentially invited himself here, we were overjoyed. Second, we have a really diverse group racially; we have a Native American chef, a Latina, an African American woman and all sorts of folks from disadvantaged and/or minority groups talking about what food means to them.  This may be a racially diverse group, but let’s face it: we all think alike, we all vote alike and we’re all progressive.  Having Pat speak makes us inclusive, in more ways than just race.  Not only that, but here’s the real advantage: it makes our foodie fest original.  We’ve seen and heard all the organic-local-fair trade people have to show and say.  Let’s hear what other people have to say.  Pat’s gonna be talking about big ag- the unignorable food provider without which we would mostly starve.  Let’s see people in Boulder top that for inclusiveness!  So, we don’t fall in love with Archer Daniels Midland or Monsanto, but are you really gonna tell me that these people who have done more to save Africa [agribusiness] from starvation than 1000 Bonos [referring to the lead singer of U2 who is also known as Paul Hewson] are evil?  Well, that’s what all the food pharisees at Whole Foods would have you believe.  Not just that, but don’t you want to hear what a white, rich, Christian man has to say for once?”

To our utter surprise, Pat Buchanan granted your reporter Ludwig Schnee a brief comment!  “Oh, I’ll tell you, I LOVE agribusiness.  It’s the most efficient form of growing food.”  When your reporter politely told Mr. Buchanan that it takes roughly 13 pounds of grain to produce one pound of beef, and that it took some 100 gallons of water to produce one pound of feed, and that lots of efficiency is lost in the process, Mr. Buchanan retorted, “Meat is therefore the best, most effective way to eat vegetables and keep hydrated.”  he added, “You eat cows, and what do cows eat?  Vegetables!  It’s like you’re going vegan, just more efficiently.  You know what else?  Fried meat is good for your heart so long as you fry it in vegetable oil.  Okay, I gotta go.  All this food talk and these books made me want to write.”  Asked what his book  was going to be about, the Republican author replied,  “It’s title is going to be Agribusiness: It Sucks Less Than You Think.”

Bernie Sanders Elected President… of Loveland Elks Club

in Health and Fitness/Local Flavor/Politics by

In a prepared speech at a press conference outside of a Las Vegas hospital, last Friday, spokesman for the Loveland Elk’s Lodge #10334458, Mortimer Moore stated, “On behalf of Elk’s Lodge #10334458 of Loveland, Colorado, we wish the Senator from Vermont a full and speedy recovery.  Furthermore, noting the good Senator’s great interest in the betterment of the lot of all Americans, our lodge has elected him honorary president.  Given his health, it appears that this will be his last and best chance at being president of anything.  What’s more?  Our lodge is less than a five minute ambulance ride from the finest cardiac nurses and surgeons at MCR.  For real- those folks work with Greeley’s meth heads all the time, so treating a guy like Bernie’s gonna be a breeze for ’em, but that’s a little off subject.”  He went on,  “Seriously, the senator needs to chill out with us and reduce his chances of another cardiac episode, and when it comes to calming down, nobody beats the Elks.  Don’t believe me?  Just come on a Friday night, and watch re-runs of the Lawrence Welk Show with us and you’ll see what I mean.”

This gesture by the Loveland Elk’s Lodge has not gone unnoticed.  The Fort Collins Lions and Tigers and Bears Club, when contacted had this to say, “Awww… Dammit!  Why didn’t WE think of that?  I’ll tell you what: we’ll dispense with our usual breakfast of coffee, pancakes, bacon and eggs for a Kosher option lox and bagels- no cream cheese or coffee-just too dangerous.”  The unidentified Lions and Tigers and Bears Club secretary proceeded.  “Oooohhhhh… so the Loveland Elks are selling the fact that they’re a five-minute ambulance ride away from the hospital?  Well… we’re only a fifteen minute hearse ride away from the Synagogue, in the event…  Y*w3h calls him.  I’d like to see them guys in Loveland give Bernie a proper chevra kadisha.”  He nervously cleared his throat.  “In any event, folks in the community’ve been giving us all manner of shit about being too white, old and Christian.  Letting a guy like Bernie into our ranks would surely contribute to our diversity and reduce our average age by several years.”

Your reporter Ludwig Schnee contacted the Sanders campaign which duly put us on the line with the Senator who apparently has been recovering well.  The Senator had this to say, “At least I was treated by private doctors.  If I got the medical treatment I proposed for the American people, I’d be at Temple and you’d be praying Kaddish.”

County Expands Housing Program for the Homeless

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In a 3-0 resolution passed on the 16th of this month, the Board of Commissioners voted to expand the only current program for housing Larimer County’s homeless.  The resolution expands the current facility to include 250 more beds from the 617 existing ones.  When asked spokeswoman Gail Byrd of Larimer County Corrections replied with, “This facility is currently the BEST that Larimer County has to offer our homeless, so why not expand it?  More beds are needed, so let’s just get ’em ya know… If you’ve got a winning formula, just stick to it.  I congratulate our commissioners on their foresight and the slam-dunk vote.”

Larimer County taxpayers will now foot the $75 million re-model for this iteration of public housing (that’s about $215 for each man, woman and child in the county) that will include beds, three meals a day, bathrooms, basic exercise facilities and concierge uniform services. “It’s like a home away from home, except, I guess, they don’t have a home.  Our guests call it ‘Club Larimer.'”

When asked if the expansion would still be used for traditional incarceration and pre-trial detention, Ms. Byrd had this to say. “Of course we’ll still have a detainee population, I mean, we can’t give up on them either. But we’re expanding our services to show that we are also an organizational resource for those who need it.  Nevertheless, let’s not forget that it’s criminals that ultimately keep us in a job, so this is a shout-out to the criminal community of Fort Collins.  We appreciate you: no one supports the blue quite like you! And it’s time that we show you how much you are appreciated.”

 

Boulder Honors President With Naming of New Landfill

in Environment/Politics by

American presidents are widely honored.  They have all manner of things named after them- from bridges and highways to whole cities and even a state.  They are also honored with the biggest, most important warships in the US Navy- aircraft carriers.  But earlier last week, the city of Boulder went a step further.

In a grand show of respect and admiration, the Boulder City Council voted unanimously to name the new city landfill after Donald John Trump.  Boulder Mayor Suzanne Jones in a speech celebrating the passage of the bill honoring Trump with the landfill had the following to say, “For 40 years, I’ve served as Executive Director of [the recycling non-profit] Eco Cycle, and I’ve dealt with all manner of trash: compostable organic matter, recyclable metals, plastics and such, but in all my career of trying to salvage human waste, I’ve never seen such an irredeemable pile of useless, pointless refuse quite like our president.  Therefore, it behooves us Boulderites to honor him by naming our trash pile the Donald John Trump Boulder City Landfill.  Because we all know that, when it comes to trash, nobody beats Donald Trump; he turned multiple business ventures into trash, he had a reality TV show that was pure trash, and now he is turning our constitution and our very country into trash.  This president needs to be honored!”

The measure has been widely applauded in Boulder city and county.  The municipalities of Niwot, Lafayette and Longmont all passed symbolic laws in support of Boulder city’s honoring of The Don.  Lafayette resident Heidi Papadopoulous had the following comment, “With a name like that, I’d even volunteer my 40 acre horse ranch for the site!”

Focopolitan Tribune Reporter Ludwig Schnee actually contacted President Trump at his Mara Lago resort in Florida on the first try over the phone.  In a brief conversation, the president told Mr. Schnee, “I’m honored.  I guarantee you that this landfill is gonna be the best, the most beautiful landfill ever made!  Ever!  Just tell that mayor in Boulder to send the royalty check for the use of my name in the mail to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. in Washington, DC!”

Shutdown Inspires DPS Teachers’ Strike

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Kyla Sandoval has been a teacher at DPS for 2 years.  A graduate of the University of Northern Colorado’s Education program, she has slaved away for a pittance at a crime-ridden, run-down high school (which shall remain anonymous).  As coach of the debate team, Ms. Sandoval has inspired her pupils to go beyond the “Fuck you!… No, fuck you!” exchanges typical of DPS debate clubs.  But for all her efforts, Ms. Sandoval has yet to be paid enough to cover rent and expenses without public assistance.  “Damn dude, it really sucks to be on SNAPs and have to do the whole LulaRoe routine when you already have a full time job!”  Kyla went on to explain how she has a veritable Pikes Peak in student loan debt.

Kyla’s story is one of many for teachers at DPS.  Is it any wonder that the teacher’s union is considering a strike?  Ms. Sandoval explained what was behind the putative strike, “I’ll be honest: I was truly inspired by the government shutdown, and I think teachers at Denver Public Schools (DPS) should follow the fine example that our president is giving us.  THAT’S why we like to use ‘Red for Ed;’ our president is of the party that has red as its color and he’s shutting everything down.  It’s like we’re the same or something… we just want to make enough bread to make a living and shit.”

Focopolitan Tribune reporter Buck Hummingbird interviewed the president of the PTA of said high school.  La’Tonya Jackson had this to say, “If this ‘Red for Ed’ thing happens, the education my kids gonna git is gonna have to be better than the education they git from watching daytime TV!” Ms. Jackson paused, “But it’s probably all gonna wind up just like our president: don’t do shit and nuthin’ git done!”

Although Denver’s “Red for Ed” movement has yet to initiate its strike, the claims have been heard loud and clear. Whether anybody will do jack shit about it, is another story…

North Korea Returns USS Pueblo to Pueblo

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In a spontaneous gesture of conciliation, the government of North Korea surprised the residents of Pueblo, Colorado by returning the spy ship the USS Pueblo to its namesake. The North Korean Navy captured the American spy ship when she was on a routine signal intelligence patrol in the Sea of Japan during the first weeks of 1968. She has since been in North Korean hands…until yesterday, that is.

It is evident that residents of the southern Colorado town were not expecting this gift. Pueblo resident Roy Echevarria granted an interview commenting, “Okay, so last night we all went to sleep, and next morning, BOOM here we have an old-ass navy ship with a bright, pink bow wrapped around it, messing up the view of our riverwalk! How in the hell did this get here? We’ve heard of North Koreans going out and kidnapping people and shit, but this? I guess the drunks at the alehouse will have something to talk about now. As for me, I can’t wait to get rid of this rust bucket.” This is certainly going to be the prime issue of Pueblo’s first every mayor-elect, with some residents even suggesting that the ship should be a place for the election run-off as a polling station.

In the Pueblo, a sticky note and a can of North-Korean style fermented cabbage labeled, Kim’s Kimchi, was found. The sticky note read,”Dear United States, here’s your ship back. We’re done playing with it but we’ll keep the vacuum tubes–fine technology you capitalist, imperialist exploiters of the masses come up with. Please enjoy some of our private-label kimchi. We’ll see if it sells well at Trader Joe’s–it’s probiotic.”

In other news pertaining to the US Navy, the 47,000-ton battleship USS Iowa will leave the port of Los Angeles for its permanent new home in Des Moines where she will undergo gender retrofitting, after which she will be referred with the pronoun xe.

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