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CU Professor, KKK Join Forces Opposing Black Cultural Appropriation of NASCAR

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The day Delavion Johnson of Four Points in Denver won his first track meet he knew he was destined for a life dominated by speed. Going on to win all manner of track championships, the African-American athlete followed in the long and proud strides of Jesse Owens, not only in his athleticism but also in breaking racial barriers. To Delavion’s surprise, however, he has gotten opposition in his latest speed endeavor. “The first day I went out to Colorado National Speedway, and felt the power of a V-12, I decided to try out of’ NASCAR. I never thought that would get me into the hot water I’m in.”

Enter University of Colorado professor Dr. Jake Keskinen of the Majority Studies division of the Sociology Department. “We in academia are conceded about certain disturbing tends in society today, particularly cultural appropriation. We repudiate any individual or group who shamelessly plagiaries or misuses the cultural preserves of races and ethnicities other than their own.” He went on to add, “When Katy Perry dared to wear her white-girl hair in corn-rows, it was at my prompting that students first protested on CU’s campus. When a Caucasian duo endeavored to open a high-end taco joint in Portland earlier this year, I personally flew out to protest this calamity! Now, because we in CU’s Majority Studies are not about double standards, we would like to repudiate Delavion Johnson’s cultural appropriation of a traditionally Caucasian institution: NASCAR.” As Keskinen elucidated, “Enough, enough, enough. I mean, come on, we gave them basketball and they recently took golf, can’t we dominate one sport that doesn’t involve water?”

When Johnson announced his interest in NASCAR on social media, he sparked a wave of protests that became viral. To our surprise at the Focopolitan Tribune, Dr. Keskinen has found an unlikely ally: the Northern Colorado Chapter of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. Long the nemesis of African-Americans, the KKK has joined its voice with the chorus of people calling out cultural appropriators. The Klan spokesman, speaking to the Tribune anonymously declared, “NASCAR stands for Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks, not Non-Aryan Sport Containing All Races! For once, I’d like to use my so-called ‘white privilege’ to exclude this cultural thief from our sacred institution! I mean, they culturally appropriated the presidency of this nation for a whole eight years. We failed to keep them people out of the high school in Arkansas back in the ’60s…at least let us win this one for once. What’s the next thing you’re gonna tell us? Is he gonna get sponsored by the Cracker Barrel? That’s just about as wrong as Canadian country music; don’t even get me started on that!”

Focopolitan Tribune reporter Buck Hummingbird caught up with Johnson, and he appeared to take it all in stride. “Cultural appropriation? What kinda bullshit is that? Look, man…I’m just a competitive athlete who’s lookin’ of’ my next thing. Now these idiots be sayin’ I can’t, ’cause I’m culturally appropriating? Next thing these assholes be saying’ is that black people can’t speak appropriate English – we gonna all have to speak Ebonics ’cause we culturally appropriating the English language? Gimme a break, man!” He paused, and with the confident smile of a champion, Delvaion quipped, “Okay, I promise that if I make it into NASCAR, Aunt Jemima and Church’s Chicken are gonna sponsor me.” With a wink, a nod, and a smile, Delavion got back into his race car’s seat.

Conservative Safe Space Includes Screens of Fox News, Bibles

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Jolene and Chuck Schaeffer have had it with the increasingly liberal culture that literally surrounds them.  The couple lives in the conservative enclave of Loveland, which is adjacent to the dyed-in-the-wool blue areas of Boulder to the south and Fort Collins to the north.  Ever since the 2010 re-drawing of congressional district lines by the Colorado State House of Representatives, the couple has felt a deep sense of disenfranchisement.  “We’re now lumped into Colorado’s 2nd District and stuck with Jared Polis or whatever other Boulder liberal the commie-loving Democratic Party can come up with,” laments Jolene.  “All that has disempowered us and our neighbors and invalidated all that we believe in and stand for.”  According to Chuck, over the last seven years, Northern Colorado conservatives have gradually become traumatized at having their opinions, experiences and feelings repeatedly invalidated by secularists, gun-control advocates, vegetarians, vegans, pushy racial minorities, hybrid drivers, LGBTQs, their advocates and other types liberals in general.

Walking past a mounted deer head and a big-screen TV blaring Fox News, guests find comfort and succor in Guns and Ammo magazine and The Nation.  Copies of the Holy Bible and the US Constitution, with the 2nd Amendment highlighted, are readily available.  Visitors here enjoy a warm, home-cooked meal prepared by Jolene herself.  “We love it!” says Bill Sullivan, a frequent guest and recent resident from Arkansas, “Jolene makes the best hamburger-and-french-fries ever!  And on Sundays, after church, we even get barbecue.”  Bill expanded, “But not that soul-brother stuff that goes with fried chicken and corn bread.”  Jolene interjected, “No, not at all, that’s a trigger for some of us here.  I have to be careful of what I serve for dessert too- like watermelon- that’s worse than saying ‘vegan’ for some folks here.”  On top of that, occasional activities such as carpentry, drywalling and auto mechanics, of non-hybrid vehicles of course, occupy guests’ time. For the occasional conservative woman, looking for a soothing activity, Mrs. Schaeffer even teaches cooking from scratch and sewing on an old-fashioned pedal-operated sewing machine.

The home has become popular amongst conservative baby boomers and their younger, but still adult, counterparts. “We don’t have many teenagers or young adults here yet,” explained Jolene. “They’ll find us eventually when they get out into the world and realize that there aren’t many places for them.”

“This is a place where men can be men, and women can be women; none of this 31-flavor gender nonsense.”  Sullivan went on, “Yup, who’d a thunk it?  There’s still a place in the Front Range outside of the Springs where people can talk guns, church, the Constitution, Jesus and ‘Merica IN ENGLISH, without fear of being marginalized, invalidated or have their feelings trampled on.”

The couple hopes that their dedication to their values and success at creating a safe space will encourage others to do the same. “Even when you’re surrounded by liberal nitwits there are people like us who need a space to be who they are and if you create it, there will be people who will use it!” exclaimed Chuck.

 

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