At a conference of science deniers last weekend, hosted by no less an institution than the Colorado School of Mines, representatives from CU Boulder’s Gender Science Department and Colorado Springs College of the Bible’s Geology Department literally came to blows over what subjects to exclude, and which to include, under the greater body of knowledge of Science. While each touted pre-dispositions of ideology as taking primacy over verifiable truth, both sides paid lip-service to the scientific method, but only in support of their pre-ordained notions.
Gender vapid spokeshuman for CU Boulder’s Gender Science Department Dr. Wagglesnicks, commented, “Gender is nothing more than a social construct created by an oppressive white-supremacist capitalist patriarchy! I don’t care what DNA says, we at CU have recognized no less than 72 different genders, and any person can flow from one to any one OR MORE of the others at any time, for any reason, including no reason at all. However, we assert that a preponderance of evidence in the geological as well as the biological record shows that the earth is some 2.6 billion years old, and that we evolved from single-celled organism to apes over the course of hundreds of thousands of years and then evolved into homo sapiens like you and xus [a form of the second-person plural pronoun]. Anyone who disagrees with that assertion is at best a fool, and at worst, a nefarious peddler of pseudo science.”
After Dr. Wagglesnicks’ fiery opening statement, the spokesman for Colorado Springs College of the Bible, Reverend Cleatus Crowley angrily declared, “Don’t y’all call me no homo! I’m not like you; I read Leviticus and I obey it! As for this nonsense of the earth being 2.6 million years old, now THAT’S a bunch of baloney. How do I know? It’s in the Bible! God said it, and God doesn’t lie. Here are some truths that I can tell you: we’re just short of 6000 years old, God made the Earth in six days, and He made man from mud. Then, he made woman from Adam’s rib. That’s why men have one rib fewer than women. Now THAT’S valid science. As for this gender nonsense…well, it’s just nonsense. Be a man or be a woman, and that’s it. Just ask a police detective when there’s DNA at a crime scene, the first thing they tell you is whether it’s from a man or a woman.”
At this exchange, Wagglesnicks retorted even more angrily, “Homo sapiens is binomial nomenclature for human being- a basic term of biological categorization! And, when police collect DNA evidence from crime scenes, and they tell you that it’s a male or a female, they’re not using basic terms of categorization, they’re acting from unconscious bias that we at the Gender Science Department categorically denounce and repudiate. Anyone who disagrees with us is an oppressive member of the fascist patriarchy which has asserted its power to keep down the disadvantaged and marginalized.”
At this point, witnesses describe a descent into violence atypical for the School of Mines campus. While it is unclear who started it, fists flew as did chairs. After extensive hurling of insults and missiles, campus security was called in. Amid loud chants of, “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!” in reference to TV personality and talk show host Jerry Springer by amused students and passersby, the fracas was finally disentangled and arrests were made.
The Focopolitan Tribune managed to contact a spokesman for the Colorado School of Mines. Dr. Farouk Ikani had the following to say, “How in God’s good name did we ever give these people permission to have their ridiculous conference here? This is a SCIENCE college, not a battleground for the ideologically possessed! Both sides need to spend their time in the can and get some sense kicked into them! To the CU fuckwits out there: you’re born with a gender. If you don’t like it, fine! Choose the other gender, and maybe get a sex-change operation. Then be happy with it, but don’t go around telling me that there are 72 different gender pronouns and you can turn from one into another and then feel insulted when I call you by the wrong one! As for you religious nut jobs, get your heads out of your ever-loving asses. I thought I saw the worst of you at the Creation Museum in Kentucky! Both of you need to realize this: Science is real, and you approach it by studying the evidence and then coming to a conclusion, not the other way around. Instead what you’re both doing is having your ideology possess you, instead of you possessing your ideology!”
Reverend Crowley and Dr. Wagglesnicks, among others, are currently being held at the Jefferson County jail on multiple counts ranging from: battery, disturbing the peace, assault, reckless endangerment, and others. Reverend Crowley is in the men’s ward, and it is unclear where Dr. Wagglesnicks is as officials are debating where to house xim [the third-person singular].