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Fort Collins Book Festival Welcomes Surprise Guest: Pat Buchanan

in Business and Economics/Health and Fitness/Politics by

It was an utter surprise to all attendees of the Fort Collins Book Festival when conservative Republican author Pat Buchanan crashed the party.  With a theme of “Food For Thought” this was an unusual event for Mr. Buchanan too, who up to now has not been known for being a foodie.  “This festival is great!  I thought it was going to be just pure mudslinging at me, but folks here really gave me a warm welcome,” commented Mr. Buchanan.

One of the Book Festival’s organizers, Tracy Echevarria-Smith granted your reporter a few precious moments of her time on this busy weekend.  She had this to say about Mr. Buchanan, “First off, we’ve been criticized for having the same authors, the same ideas and basically the same show every year.  When Pat Buchanan essentially invited himself here, we were overjoyed. Second, we have a really diverse group racially; we have a Native American chef, a Latina, an African American woman and all sorts of folks from disadvantaged and/or minority groups talking about what food means to them.  This may be a racially diverse group, but let’s face it: we all think alike, we all vote alike and we’re all progressive.  Having Pat speak makes us inclusive, in more ways than just race.  Not only that, but here’s the real advantage: it makes our foodie fest original.  We’ve seen and heard all the organic-local-fair trade people have to show and say.  Let’s hear what other people have to say.  Pat’s gonna be talking about big ag- the unignorable food provider without which we would mostly starve.  Let’s see people in Boulder top that for inclusiveness!  So, we don’t fall in love with Archer Daniels Midland or Monsanto, but are you really gonna tell me that these people who have done more to save Africa [agribusiness] from starvation than 1000 Bonos [referring to the lead singer of U2 who is also known as Paul Hewson] are evil?  Well, that’s what all the food pharisees at Whole Foods would have you believe.  Not just that, but don’t you want to hear what a white, rich, Christian man has to say for once?”

To our utter surprise, Pat Buchanan granted your reporter Ludwig Schnee a brief comment!  “Oh, I’ll tell you, I LOVE agribusiness.  It’s the most efficient form of growing food.”  When your reporter politely told Mr. Buchanan that it takes roughly 13 pounds of grain to produce one pound of beef, and that it took some 100 gallons of water to produce one pound of feed, and that lots of efficiency is lost in the process, Mr. Buchanan retorted, “Meat is therefore the best, most effective way to eat vegetables and keep hydrated.”  he added, “You eat cows, and what do cows eat?  Vegetables!  It’s like you’re going vegan, just more efficiently.  You know what else?  Fried meat is good for your heart so long as you fry it in vegetable oil.  Okay, I gotta go.  All this food talk and these books made me want to write.”  Asked what his book  was going to be about, the Republican author replied,  “It’s title is going to be Agribusiness: It Sucks Less Than You Think.”

Bernie Sanders Elected President… of Loveland Elks Club

in Health and Fitness/Local Flavor/Politics by

In a prepared speech at a press conference outside of a Las Vegas hospital, last Friday, spokesman for the Loveland Elk’s Lodge #10334458, Mortimer Moore stated, “On behalf of Elk’s Lodge #10334458 of Loveland, Colorado, we wish the Senator from Vermont a full and speedy recovery.  Furthermore, noting the good Senator’s great interest in the betterment of the lot of all Americans, our lodge has elected him honorary president.  Given his health, it appears that this will be his last and best chance at being president of anything.  What’s more?  Our lodge is less than a five minute ambulance ride from the finest cardiac nurses and surgeons at MCR.  For real- those folks work with Greeley’s meth heads all the time, so treating a guy like Bernie’s gonna be a breeze for ’em, but that’s a little off subject.”  He went on,  “Seriously, the senator needs to chill out with us and reduce his chances of another cardiac episode, and when it comes to calming down, nobody beats the Elks.  Don’t believe me?  Just come on a Friday night, and watch re-runs of the Lawrence Welk Show with us and you’ll see what I mean.”

This gesture by the Loveland Elk’s Lodge has not gone unnoticed.  The Fort Collins Lions and Tigers and Bears Club, when contacted had this to say, “Awww… Dammit!  Why didn’t WE think of that?  I’ll tell you what: we’ll dispense with our usual breakfast of coffee, pancakes, bacon and eggs for a Kosher option lox and bagels- no cream cheese or coffee-just too dangerous.”  The unidentified Lions and Tigers and Bears Club secretary proceeded.  “Oooohhhhh… so the Loveland Elks are selling the fact that they’re a five-minute ambulance ride away from the hospital?  Well… we’re only a fifteen minute hearse ride away from the Synagogue, in the event…  Y*w3h calls him.  I’d like to see them guys in Loveland give Bernie a proper chevra kadisha.”  He nervously cleared his throat.  “In any event, folks in the community’ve been giving us all manner of shit about being too white, old and Christian.  Letting a guy like Bernie into our ranks would surely contribute to our diversity and reduce our average age by several years.”

Your reporter Ludwig Schnee contacted the Sanders campaign which duly put us on the line with the Senator who apparently has been recovering well.  The Senator had this to say, “At least I was treated by private doctors.  If I got the medical treatment I proposed for the American people, I’d be at Temple and you’d be praying Kaddish.”

County Expands Housing Program for the Homeless

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In a 3-0 resolution passed on the 16th of this month, the Board of Commissioners voted to expand the only current program for housing Larimer County’s homeless.  The resolution expands the current facility to include 250 more beds from the 617 existing ones.  When asked spokeswoman Gail Byrd of Larimer County Corrections replied with, “This facility is currently the BEST that Larimer County has to offer our homeless, so why not expand it?  More beds are needed, so let’s just get ’em ya know… If you’ve got a winning formula, just stick to it.  I congratulate our commissioners on their foresight and the slam-dunk vote.”

Larimer County taxpayers will now foot the $75 million re-model for this iteration of public housing (that’s about $215 for each man, woman and child in the county) that will include beds, three meals a day, bathrooms, basic exercise facilities and concierge uniform services. “It’s like a home away from home, except, I guess, they don’t have a home.  Our guests call it ‘Club Larimer.'”

When asked if the expansion would still be used for traditional incarceration and pre-trial detention, Ms. Byrd had this to say. “Of course we’ll still have a detainee population, I mean, we can’t give up on them either. But we’re expanding our services to show that we are also an organizational resource for those who need it.  Nevertheless, let’s not forget that it’s criminals that ultimately keep us in a job, so this is a shout-out to the criminal community of Fort Collins.  We appreciate you: no one supports the blue quite like you! And it’s time that we show you how much you are appreciated.”

 

Boulder Honors President With Naming of New Landfill

in Environment/Politics by

American presidents are widely honored.  They have all manner of things named after them- from bridges and highways to whole cities and even a state.  They are also honored with the biggest, most important warships in the US Navy- aircraft carriers.  But earlier last week, the city of Boulder went a step further.

In a grand show of respect and admiration, the Boulder City Council voted unanimously to name the new city landfill after Donald John Trump.  Boulder Mayor Suzanne Jones in a speech celebrating the passage of the bill honoring Trump with the landfill had the following to say, “For 40 years, I’ve served as Executive Director of [the recycling non-profit] Eco Cycle, and I’ve dealt with all manner of trash: compostable organic matter, recyclable metals, plastics and such, but in all my career of trying to salvage human waste, I’ve never seen such an irredeemable pile of useless, pointless refuse quite like our president.  Therefore, it behooves us Boulderites to honor him by naming our trash pile the Donald John Trump Boulder City Landfill.  Because we all know that, when it comes to trash, nobody beats Donald Trump; he turned multiple business ventures into trash, he had a reality TV show that was pure trash, and now he is turning our constitution and our very country into trash.  This president needs to be honored!”

The measure has been widely applauded in Boulder city and county.  The municipalities of Niwot, Lafayette and Longmont all passed symbolic laws in support of Boulder city’s honoring of The Don.  Lafayette resident Heidi Papadopoulous had the following comment, “With a name like that, I’d even volunteer my 40 acre horse ranch for the site!”

Focopolitan Tribune Reporter Ludwig Schnee actually contacted President Trump at his Mara Lago resort in Florida on the first try over the phone.  In a brief conversation, the president told Mr. Schnee, “I’m honored.  I guarantee you that this landfill is gonna be the best, the most beautiful landfill ever made!  Ever!  Just tell that mayor in Boulder to send the royalty check for the use of my name in the mail to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. in Washington, DC!”

Shutdown Inspires DPS Teachers’ Strike

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Kyla Sandoval has been a teacher at DPS for 2 years.  A graduate of the University of Northern Colorado’s Education program, she has slaved away for a pittance at a crime-ridden, run-down high school (which shall remain anonymous).  As coach of the debate team, Ms. Sandoval has inspired her pupils to go beyond the “Fuck you!… No, fuck you!” exchanges typical of DPS debate clubs.  But for all her efforts, Ms. Sandoval has yet to be paid enough to cover rent and expenses without public assistance.  “Damn dude, it really sucks to be on SNAPs and have to do the whole LulaRoe routine when you already have a full time job!”  Kyla went on to explain how she has a veritable Pikes Peak in student loan debt.

Kyla’s story is one of many for teachers at DPS.  Is it any wonder that the teacher’s union is considering a strike?  Ms. Sandoval explained what was behind the putative strike, “I’ll be honest: I was truly inspired by the government shutdown, and I think teachers at Denver Public Schools (DPS) should follow the fine example that our president is giving us.  THAT’S why we like to use ‘Red for Ed;’ our president is of the party that has red as its color and he’s shutting everything down.  It’s like we’re the same or something… we just want to make enough bread to make a living and shit.”

Focopolitan Tribune reporter Buck Hummingbird interviewed the president of the PTA of said high school.  La’Tonya Jackson had this to say, “If this ‘Red for Ed’ thing happens, the education my kids gonna git is gonna have to be better than the education they git from watching daytime TV!” Ms. Jackson paused, “But it’s probably all gonna wind up just like our president: don’t do shit and nuthin’ git done!”

Although Denver’s “Red for Ed” movement has yet to initiate its strike, the claims have been heard loud and clear. Whether anybody will do jack shit about it, is another story…

North Korea Returns USS Pueblo to Pueblo

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In a spontaneous gesture of conciliation, the government of North Korea surprised the residents of Pueblo, Colorado by returning the spy ship the USS Pueblo to its namesake. The North Korean Navy captured the American spy ship when she was on a routine signal intelligence patrol in the Sea of Japan during the first weeks of 1968. She has since been in North Korean hands…until yesterday, that is.

It is evident that residents of the southern Colorado town were not expecting this gift. Pueblo resident Roy Echevarria granted an interview commenting, “Okay, so last night we all went to sleep, and next morning, BOOM here we have an old-ass navy ship with a bright, pink bow wrapped around it, messing up the view of our riverwalk! How in the hell did this get here? We’ve heard of North Koreans going out and kidnapping people and shit, but this? I guess the drunks at the alehouse will have something to talk about now. As for me, I can’t wait to get rid of this rust bucket.” This is certainly going to be the prime issue of Pueblo’s first every mayor-elect, with some residents even suggesting that the ship should be a place for the election run-off as a polling station.

In the Pueblo, a sticky note and a can of North-Korean style fermented cabbage labeled, Kim’s Kimchi, was found. The sticky note read,”Dear United States, here’s your ship back. We’re done playing with it but we’ll keep the vacuum tubes–fine technology you capitalist, imperialist exploiters of the masses come up with. Please enjoy some of our private-label kimchi. We’ll see if it sells well at Trader Joe’s–it’s probiotic.”

In other news pertaining to the US Navy, the 47,000-ton battleship USS Iowa will leave the port of Los Angeles for its permanent new home in Des Moines where she will undergo gender retrofitting, after which she will be referred with the pronoun xe.

Editor’s Op. Ed: Ballot Explanation Conference Bores Voters Stiff

in Politics by

In an effort to make sense of the umpteen ballot measures, state-wide, county and local Amendments and propositions, Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee managed nothing but to mash his brain, much like eating at certain restaurants did his intestines.  We at the Trib did our honest best to make heads and tails of this confusing shit, so we read each of them, subordinating clauses, fine print and all.  But seriously, this stuff just bored the shit out of your reporter.

So we took a trip to a local drinking establishment (as if alcohol ever clarified anything!), where a state representative and other local elected officials would be handy to explain this crap.  Unfortunately for our readers, said town hall meeting turned out to be as inspiring as a circle-jerk for guys who can’t get a boner- and no Cialis around.

While other publications make recommendations and endorsements of people and measures, we cannot in good conscience recommend anything unless we first understand it.  Do the drafters of these ballot measures write only to confuse us?  Where is this obfuscatory English used?  Democracy is just dandy when we talk about it, but when it comes to the nitty-gritty of actually practicing it as fully cognizant and involved citizens, it’s nothing but tedium.

We would venture to comment that you’re better entertained watching extended Latin Mass on pay-per-view live from the Vatican than trying to make sense out of these ballots that were written by lawyers for lawyers!

Conference on Double Standards Fails to Reach Agreement

in Local Flavor/Politics by

In a dazzling display of weapons-grade stupidity, imbeciles and ideologues from both Left-wing and Right-wing persuasions got together to hash out where exactly double standards ought and ought not to be applied. Meeting at a capacity-filled Moby Arena this weekend, these dimwits filled the parking lot with short yellow school busses. In little over an hour, the retards confounded your intrepid reporters, who would rather have gotten endoscopies than have covered this pageant of willful stupidity and obfuscation where cognitive dissonance magically ruled the day.

Opening the moronathon, mediator Roger Duff implicitly clarified members’ abject ignorance as being voluntary, and not the result of genetic misfortune, “Whether we’re of the right or the left, we can all agree on one thing: we don’t speak for ourselves- we let our ideology speak for us. We may even be individually intelligent, but we forfeit our right to think and instead allow our political obligations and our ideals to take over our better senses.”

Speaking for the left, a recent transplant from the suburbs of Boston, was Kennedy Michael. In a distinct non-rhotic (that’s when you don’t pronounce the ending, and occasional medial ‘r’ in wuhds) mid-Atlantic English, Mr. Michael began, “As true leftists, we repudiate the 1%, but we love Jared Polis and think it’s okay for Bernie Sanders to buy a multi-acre estate in Vermont. After all, he bought it with his own hard-earned money, right? We also believe that the rich should pay more taxes than anyone, but it’s just fine for Jared Polis to incorporate his multi-million dollar businesses in the Caymans, or the Isle of Man or wherever, as it saves him money, and we won’t call him a tax-dodger. But it’s not okay for Donald Trump or Mitt Romney to do so, because they’re 1%-ers!” Applause roared from the left-end of the arena as he continued. “We also believe that science is real, and we ought to teach that in our schools so that our children can have a brighter future… except when it comes to gender, which is a social construct, because we don’t necessarily believe in DNA. We’ll go ahead and teach our kids that there are 114 different genders and counting! How do I know this? Well, that’s what my colleagues at the Gender Sciences Department of Harvard say, and that’s good enough for me.” Moving on to the subject of the #MeToo movement, Kennedy Michael proceeded, “Brett Kavanaugh and Donald Trump are incorrigible sexual predators, and we need to believe it when women accuse a man of sexual impropriety. But when it comes to Bill Clinton? Uh… I don’t think Paula Jones is telling the truth. Besides that, all the stories of Clinton cheating and stuff, that’s just his personal life, right?”

Speaking for the right, Warren “Spud” Douglas was no less non-sensical. “We believe in hard science when it comes to gender. All this baloney about gender being a social construct is unscientific, but the earth is only 6000 years old, and scientific proof of that can be found in the Bible!” Thunderous roars of applause erupted from the right-side of the arena as Spud continued, “As representatives of true American Conservatism, we must practice small government, charge low taxes and have a balanced budget. Therefore, we want to expand the military to be an even more global force than it is already, and we want the government to get their dirty, tyrannical hands off of our Medicare, ‘cause we need it. Where should the money come from? The mint, duh!” He paused. “I think there’s one in Denver. In any case, America’s probably got a FICO score of almost 700, so no problem there.” Commenting on the #MeToo movement, Spud added, “Allegations against Brett Kavanaugh are just that: allegations. As for Donald Trump’s cheating on his wife with a porn star while she (Trump’s wife, not necessarily the porn star) was pregnant? Well, that’s just his personal life, and we have no business in that, nor does the press. But Bill Clinton is an immoral adulterer and a serial sexual harasser- just ask Paula Jones.”

The conference ended with a convivial cocktail hour, and with both sides agreeing on how wonderful and useful double standards are, but no clear agreement was reached on where and how to draw them.

Interview with the County Coroner (Yes, We Actually Interviewed the Coroner!!)

in Local Flavor/Politics by

Greetings, loyal Focopolitan Tribune readers!  This is our first of hopefully a series of interviews with candidates for political office.  We thought we’d start with a doctor whose office we hope you will not visit anytime soon; a doctor whose job is not to cure you, but to determine how you died: our coroner, Dr. James Wilkerson.  Yeah, coroners are elected.  We were curious as to why, so we asked.  We were also curious about a bunch of other things.  Check this out…

Ludwig Schnee: Dr. Wilkerson, you’re the coroner.  Why is the coroner elected?

Dr. Wilkerson: Well the coroner actually originated in feudal England, and they were the crowner, and the crowner determined when somebody died, when a landowner died, how much they owed the king: the crown.

LS: So they owed money after they died?

Dr. W: It’s an estate tax, depending on how they died.  For instance if you committed suicide, you forfeited your estate.  It didn’t matter if you had ten wives and a hundred kids, it all goes to the king.  So they became powerful officials for the amount of money and property and stuff they moved.  Obviously they could be biased to one group or another, so I think they became elected to be fair- to let everybody have a chance of getting the crowner they wanted.  The other reason to elect people is to get the people we want and the ideas… and actions we want people to take.

LS: By the way, how’s the campaign going?

Dr. W: The campaign is good this time, the last time I ran…[the office of coroner] was the only Republican primary in Larimer County.  There were a couple other [offices] had Democrats running against them.  But this was the only Republican primary last year.  So, since it was the only race, everybody wanted to talk to me.  Everybody wanted to do debates, and stuff.  So I was constantly…  My whole evenings and sometimes my weekends were used up with that.  This time, because nobody’s running against me, I still go to some events, people still want to hear from me, but it’s not as stressful.

LS: So nobody’s running against you?

Dr. W: Nobody’s running against me.

LS: Do you expect to win?

Dr. W: I hope so.

LS: Like by what margin?

Dr. W: I suppose there could be people writing in.  I don’t know if they still allow write-ins on the ballots or not.

LS: I was gonna ask you ‘tell me about your opponents in this election.’

Dr. W: So, I don’t have any opponents.  The first opponent I had, she had a bookstore and she was a bodybuilder, and that was the one I had in the first time. And then for a brief time period, I had somebody running against me but she dropped out, and she was a yoga instructor, I think.

LS: So, a bodybuilder and a yoga instructor!  Are there any formal qualifications for to be a coroner?

Dr. W: To be a coroner: you have to be 18, a resident of your county and a non-felon.  Those are the requirements to be coroner.

LS: Wow!  That sounds like a little bit of a low bar, but could you tell us your qualifications?

Dr. W: Sure.  I’m a forensic pathologist.  So I went to medical school and then did six years of post-graduate training and I’m board-certified in forensic pathology, anatomic pathology and clinical pathology.  I trained in the military.  I did autopsies all over the world.

LS: So you’re a vet?

Dr. W: I am a vet.

LS: Since when is a doctorate of veterinary medicine a requirement for your position?

Dr. W: No, I’m a veteran.

LS: Oh, okay.

Dr. W: Not a doctor of veterinary medicine.

LS: Oh.

Dr. W: An MD.

LS: Not a DVM, got it.

Dr. W: And I’ve done about 7500 autopsies.  To give you a perspective, the Budweiser Events Center holds 7200.  So I’ve done a lot of work.  I’ve been in leadership positions in the hospitals, when I used to work in the hospitals, so I’ve learned from that; and this is a fairly small office, and it doesn’t have a whole lot of leadership challenges.  So, that’s my qualifications.

LS: Sounds quite like a lot of qualifications, sir.  Finish the following sentence: Republicans make better coroners than Democrats because…

Dr. W: Well, Republicans tend to be more conservative and not spend as much money on things that they don’t really need.  We try not to spend money… so… I think that might be the one thing… I don’t think that it’s really much of a partisan office.  ‘Cause I take care of Democrats, Republicans, whoever dies.

LS: You take care of the dead.

Dr. W: It doesn’t really matter what their political standing is.  And I try to treat all families with respect and treat ’em all the same.  You know, even though doing the autopsies and presenting things in court, and finding the cause and manner of death is the basic thing you do, the most challenging thing is notifying the families, and then keeping up with the families [of the deceased] and telling them what we found and asking them additional questions, so we try to do that with just one individual.  We try to notify in person, and that one individual will go to the autopsy, find out what happened, tell the family, ask any more questions and then work out a report and follow it through to the end.  And so taking care of the living is probably the most important part of the job and the most challenging.

LS: I can imagine that.  Tell us about the medicine you practice.  Do you have problems dealing with Medicare and Medicaid?

Dr. W: No.  Actually, when I first started out in the army, I did hospital pathology and forensic pathology.  In the army, obviously we didn’t have it [Medicare and Medicaid].  But I was in private practice for nine years and since I was the leadership guy, I had to deal with all of that; the insurance companies, Medicare and Medicaid, and it’s no fun.  It wastes a lot of time.  At one time, I had 17 employees in a lab and four of them were there to deal with insurance.  And Medicare the first time you bill ’em, automatically they say ‘no.’  So you always have to bill them again, at least one more time.  And that’s just the way they work.  We don’t take insurance.  The counties pay for autopsies on a fee-for-service basis.

LS: Are there many therapeutic misadventures in your line of work?

Dr. W: Well, probably not, because they’re already dead.

LS: Oh…

Dr. W: We don’t have to stop the bleeding, nor do we have to worry about infection, nor do we have to worry about getting everything back together exactly how it started out.

LS: Were you in my position, what would you ask you?

Dr. W: You could ask me some of the things that we see that are not funny, but that could be amusing.

LS: So, tell us one thing or another…

Dr. W: One of the favorites is “Here, hold my beer and watch this…”  Whether it be a driving feat, or jumping off of a cliff into the lake feat or things like that.  Now they don’t end up funny, obviously because they come to us, but that’s kind of one of the things we see. “Hold my beer and watch this…” is a standard pre-death motion.

LS: Thank you Dr. Wilkerson for taking the time to talk to us.

CU Diversity Office Closes, Citing “Mission Accomplished!”

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In a brief press release last Friday, the University of Colorado’s Diversity, Inclusivity and Equity Office (DIE for short) stated, “We at DIE would like to announce that given the unprecedented numbers of people of color, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgendered and minorities of all types, attending our fine institution, our goals have been realized.  For that, first of all, we would like to congratulate ourselves heartily.  Secondly, we would like to announce that we’re closing our doors because our mission is accomplished.”

We reached gender-vapid spokeshuman, Dr. Wagglesnicks in xer Boulder office where xe was gracious enough to grant Ludwig Schnee an interview. “All too often institutions are established to deal with a given problem, but long after the problem has been solved,the institution remains and sucks money out of public coffers for nothing other than providing sinecures to useless, mediocre bureaucrats. We will not be such an institution. We defy (20th century sociologist) Max Weber who first articulated this phenomenon. Futhermore, we are of a consensus that the greatest threat to higher education today is not the phantoms of “institutional” (what exactly does ‘institutional’ mean, anyway?) racism, sexism, homophobia or transphobia. Higher education today is more inclusive of racial, sexual and gender minorities than it’s ever been. The biggest threat to our system of higher education is something much more mundane: the skyrocketing cost of tuition, which keeps the neediest of our population excluded from universities and saddled with unprecedented student loan debt. Rather than waste taxpayer money and student fees on offices that are self-evidently redundant, we’re just going to close up shop and allow our funding to bolster the university’s general fund. If I have a say in this though, I want our funding to go to scholarships to students who are financially needy, regardless of race, gender, sexual or gender orientation.”

Reporter Schnee then asked Dr. Wagglesnicks, “But isn’t there more work to be done in order better to include women, persons of color and sexual minorities in society?”

Dr. Wagglesnicks scoffed, “Women? People who identify as women are now more than 50% of the student body in all Colorado universities except for [The Colorado School of] Mines and the Air Force Academy. As for everyone else, sure, there’s work to be done, but not in Boulder, for God’s sake. We’re about the most tolerate of places in the world, except for when it comes to ideas that diverge from our ideological line.”

Asking Dr. Wagglesnicks what xe would do next, the academic waxed, “I’ll either get a real job or move to Charlottesville. There’s plenty of opportunity for xour type of activism there, I heard.”

We at the Focopolitan Tribune couldn’t agree more.

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