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Fort Collins Summer Festivals to Merge into Unending Season-Long Party

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In an announcement today, the City of Fort Collins Party Authority (CFCPA) announced that for simplicity’s sake, all Fort Collins summer festivals will now conglomerate into one summer-long event.  Starting in 2020: A Taste of Fort Collins, the Colorado Marathon, New West Fest, Tour de Fat, Tour de Corgi, the Old Town Car Show, the Harvest Festival, the Pagan Festival, the Peach Festival, Brewfest, Octoberfest, the Fourth of July, Pride Day and some two dozen other festivities will all become one, big, giant, non-stop, celebration of everything and nothing.  This event will feature 16 stages, 1200+ bands, 116 different breweries, two farmers’ markets, ganja, young buxom maidens riding bikes in nothing more than body paint, six non-stop food truck rallies, four artisan camps and the kind of nihilistic fun that would make an episode of Seinfeld look like a Baptist seminary.

At a press conference, spokesman Fred Alborghetti commented with unusual candor, “We’re just formalizing what’s already happening.  I just got sick and tired of everybody always bitching to me asking why the roads in Old Town are all blocked, so we [at CFCPA] just rolled all these festivals into one whole, big ball-o-wax.  It just makes things simpler.  Not only that, but we get to pass off other people’s boozing as local culture.  All the while, of course, we cash in.  It sure keeps the economy going.  As I see it, it’s like our own New Deal, except it’s centered around fun, instead of work.  I never thought watching adults with too much money pursuing frivolous pleasure could be so rewarding!”

Fort Collins Police Services (FCPS) spokesman Mohammad Rodriguez had this to say about the summer-long festival. “It will definitely give us something to do. I mean, hell, do you know what it’s like to hear our guys bitch and complain about the chronic lack of action in this town?  I just hope things become a little bit more like Sturgis at the rally when the Hell’s Angels and the Mongols meet after drinking too much.  This will greatly help our downtime!”

New business owner Todd McPherson who operates an organic, locally grown, vegan pet food store and boutique on the main drag also seemed excited about the change. “Finally! Now I”ll always know where to park since the damn road closings will remain the same! Never again will I have to guess where the fuck to park my Oldsmobile.”

Random questioning of various people in Old Town also seemed to generate a positive review of the move by the Fort Collins Party Authority. “Now I can stay drunk the entire summer! Thanks for making it easier!,” gushed one young man as he stumbled down Mountain Ave. Another dread-locked Trustafarian took a hit and smiled, “Hell, yeah!  I ain’t leavin.'”

We at the Focopolitan Tribune agree with everyone and are SO there!  We can’t wait.  Your reporter, Ludwig Schnee is gonna do his best to make Burning Man seem like a trip to the mosque compared to this.

Boulder Artist Comes Out as Cisgender, Heterosexual, White Male

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It was a difficult journey for Todd Dieffenbacher, the Boulder sculptor.  It started out well enough, as Todd explained to Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee, “I fell in love with sculpture when I first saw Michaelangelo’s David on a family trip to Florence.  His muscles were so pronounced, and his endowment was so lifelike; I knew instantly that I wanted to pursue the craft.”  What followed was 15 years of success in the world of high arts and culture for the talented Mr. Dieffenbacher.  It included displays in New York’s Guggenheim and numerous galleries in Boulder.

Even with all the accolades that he accumulated with his art, Deiffenbacher felt something was off kilter in the homonormative world of Boulder art: he was heterosexual.  “I always knew I was straight.  I did like David, but it was actually because I like sculpture, not dudes, but you know how the art world is.  It’s just not a safe place for those of mainstream sexual identification.”  In tears, Dieffenbacher, continued, “All I want is to be accepted as a white, heterosexual, cis-gendered male!  I needed to be true to myself and I couldn’t keep on living this lie.  Nobody could believe that a guy who loved Florentine sculpture could possibly be anything buy gay, and I just played along.”

After years of trying to fit in by conforming to the metro/homo-normative strictures of the artistic community, Dieffenbacher knew he was posing.  “The turning point came when I talked to my therapist. She encouraged me to get in touch with my feminine side. And my feminine side is one of those lesbian, butchy-types, ya know; the kind that could change the treads on a bulldozer. She told me to ‘Man up, you soy boy!’ So I have. We’re just gonna have to see how the community reacts to my coming out.”

We at the Focopolitan Tribune salute the courage of heterosexual cisgendered people who have struggled with their sexuality in the face of an oppressive, closed-minded, bigoted, uninclusive world that practices and praises uniformity.

Boulder Travel Agency Offers Poverty Tours for High Roller Front Range Crowd

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Northern Colorado residents are some of the most worldly in America.  We Nocopolitans have seen it all and heard it all.  We’ve had it with Cancun and Cabo.  Jackson Hole and Aspen are practically our back yard.  Yellowstone and Yosemite are the epitome of pedestrain.  What possibly could top these experiences for our Left-of-center, environmental, altruistic sensibilities?

Enter Boulder’s niche touring agency: PPV Tours.  “The PPV stands for poor people viewing.  It’s really a thing.  Don’t believe me?  Just look at your liberal friends online and you’re bound to see pictures of them posing in photos next to little brown and black kids with that cute, little UNICEF look.  Moral of the story: poor people are exotic and interesting- kind of like animals on safari, and that’s what the monied liberal crowd want.  Let’s not forget this: the customer is always right.”  So said Miranda Mitchell, co-owner and operator of PPV Tours.  “They say that they want to ‘volunteer’ at some school or AIDS orphanage in Africa, but they just want to go there, look at what a wreck of a place they’re visiting, and feel like they’re doing something good for their fellow man, when in reality, they’re just objectifying their poverty.  After that, they come back home and have a story to tell and pictures to show other liberal jackwads, so that they can one-up them on who’s the most socially conscious, liberal snowflake at the drum-circle.”  she paused, “Just think of it as a Progressive version of ‘Keeping up with the Joneses.'”

PPV offers tours to Guatemala, Honduras and Nicaragua, since Mexico, Costa Rica and Panama are just too prosperous to illicit sympathy from travelers.  PPV also offers the Hassa diga Ibo ai tour of Uganda in conjunction with missionary organizations posted to the central African nation.

Asked what is the most challenging aspect of organizing the tours, Ms. Mitchell commented, “By far, finding an internet connection in the rural boonies of Uganda or Central America that our tourists can access Facebook and Instagram on.”  Taken aback by this fetishistic view of poor people, reporter Ludwig Schnee asked Ms. Mitchell more about her clientele to which she answered with unusual candor, “My tourists don’t like the poor- they like poverty.  There is a difference.”

Poetry of Wrong Richard Wright Recited at Boulder Slam Event

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Every February, America celebrates African-American History Month.  This year is no exception.  In order to honor the contributions of black people to American culture, science, industry and technology, we devote the shortest month of the year to black people… hey, at least it’s a month, and not just a week… or even a day, so…

Anyway, last Tuesday night, in celebration of African-American History Month, also known as February, the Bishkek Teahouse and Lounge on Boulder’s Broadway district added to its fine tea selection, a bucketful of Kool-Aid punch and hosted the first ever African-American Literary Weekend.  There were recitals and readings of famous African American authors, discussions, writing symposia and to top it off, a poetry slam.  One of the entrants, Laqueesha Jackson got a little carried away with poetry from Richard Wright, whom she thought was the early 20th Century African-American author and poet.  That Richard Wright lived from 1908 to 1960 and was African American.  Thing is, there was ANOTHER Richard Wright.  This other (1943-2014) was British, and is best known for his role in the band Pink Floyd, writing such songs as Wearing the Inside Out, Remember a Day and others.  While both wrote in the English language, each having a poetic command of the language, and each deserves his place in the canon of great English-language artists, they are not the same and should not be confused with each other.

That, Ms. Jackson learned the hard way when Ludwig Schnee pointed it out after she finished.  “I totally didn’t realize I was reading something written by some dude from England!  It was so real and shit.”  Reading the lyrics from the Pink Floyd song “Wearing the Inside Out,” Ms. Jackson recited in slam-style, “From morning to night, I stayed out of sight!  Didn’t recognize, I’d become… No more than alive, I barely survived.  In a word, over-run.”  Laqueesha later explained, “I thought that was a reference to [American] Richard Wright’s experience at being excluded on account of him having grown up in segregation in Mississippi and shit.  Turns out, it’s just some sort of rambling from a white English guy.” She paused, ” At least the crowd liked it.”

To any poetry buffs out there, we would recommend “Between the World and Me” next time around.

Old Town Peace Monument Not Effective at Making Peace, but Popular with Area Dogs

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This is the holiday season.  This is the season of kin group get-togethers, presents, fruitcakes (of the literal as well as of the figurative kinds) and calls for function in the family and peace on earth.  While the former depends greatly on individuals, and sometimes can be achieved for short periods of time, the latter is a little harder.  Notwithstanding, the Fort Collins city council has done its bit: years ago, our elected officials erected a fatuous wooden dick-shaeped thingy in Old Town that has written on it in four different languages “May peace prevail on the Earth.”

If you haven’t noticed the pole, your dog probably has if you’ve ever taken it to Old Town.  The pole serves as a message board for all male canines who frequent the square, and serves as a communal p-mail site.  Fluffy, a Goldendoodle commented to Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee, “That stick there is really cool to pee on.  I swear, there’s scent from at least 40 other dogs on there every time I use it.”   It should be clear to all Focopolitans that that is all the pole is good for.

The object’s permanence in Old Town, and the fact that nobody but this newspaper openly mocks it, is a testament to something about Fort Collins: we LOVE to signal our virtue, from yard signs to bumper stickers, that’s a favorite pastime of ours.  When it comes to actually doing something though, we happily stop at symbolism.  At that, only Boulder can beat us.  21-year old CSU student Stephanie Jarr stated, “I didn’t even know this was here for years, but now that I do, I agree with it totally!  I think I’m gonna take a selfie by it and post it on Instagram.”

A cursory look at the state of affairs in the world is clear evidence that this thing isn’t working.  Apparently, it takes more than the erection of a phallic object to elicit world peace, however laudable such quixotic yearnings may be, but in the meantime, it is incumbent on us here in Foco to show ourselves just how virtuous we are…

Holiday Involves Reunion of Live People Around Dead Bird

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This Thursday, November 22nd, we at the Focopolitan Tribune noticed an utterly bizarre cult-like ritual.  A multi-generational agglomeration of an area kin-group assembled between four walls, exchanged greetings and pleasantries and roasted a dead bird.  After roasting said bird, the human kin-group held hands.  Soon after, an elder spoke utterances to a sky-daddy, requesting divine benediction upon the dead avian.  The elder subsequently cut into the bird, probably of the species meleagris gallopavo.  After the ritual incision of the bird’s fleshy breast, the kin group started literally to devour the beast together with sour-tasting, but edible small fruits.

What followed was a welter of feasting, with people gorging themselves on avian meat, the small sour fruits, heavy sauce and mashed potatoes.  After picking the bird literally to the bone much like vultures on a wildebeest carcass on a vintage Wild Discovery episode, the kin group devoured a reduction of a sugary orange-colored gourd baked over a thin layer of buttered flour.  After the bizarre communal feasting, some members of the kin-group swore non-binding weight-loss oaths.

Concluding the parade of oddity, the assembled went on to refer to the following day as “Black Friday” and began discussing plans that reeked nefariously of a corporate capitalist takeover OF THE ENTIRE COUNTRY!!

Trump Museum Set to Open in Old Town

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As Old Town Fort Collins bids farewell to yet another staple business, another one is already lined up to take its place. Old Chicago has shuttered its Old Town location but unlike with Bisetti’s (which rumor has it will become a biker gang clubhouse), this area has already been rented out.  A life-size bronze statue of America’s 45th president gave Focopolitan Tribune reporter Buck Hummingbird a clue as to what the space will now be.

Billy Floogul has taken over the lease. A retired  part-time outhouse digger and maintenance man who just sold his family’s business because, “damn kids don’t know what hard work is anymore!” is opening a different type of establishment. Larimer County’s sole Trump supporter is opening a museum and gift shop dedicated to his hero – Donald Trump.

“I needed to do something; I ain’t dead yet! I see all these museums to Mexicans and women and crazy artists who can’t draw worth shit and I thought, man, none can compare to this guy who went from businessman to president!”

Having plenty of savings and time, Mr. Floogul followed Mr. Trump on his entire presidential campaign collecting memorabilia, videoes, interviews, and other such collectibles. “I was also a big fan of The Apprentice and so that’ll be in there too.”

Starting from his childhood Mr. Floogul’s museum documents Mr. Trump’s life all the way to his current occupation as president. Many of the displays feature one-of-a-kind artifacts that Mr. Floogul personally collected and kept, “Just in case, you know; some people collect cows, others pigs, others books. I collected anything that I could about Donald Trump from books to hats to sayings- including what he said about [44th president, Barack Hussein] Obama’s birth certificate, which I believe to be true- to a signed piece of toilet paper because I didn’t have nothin’ else on me when I ran into him.”

And as with all museums, there is a gift shop that will be open to the public and not solely to museum goers. A wide-range of eclectic items await to be bought – facsimiles of some of the displayed artifacts to serious tomes on Mr. Trump to books that “the Donald” wrote himself. “I even have gifts for the kiddos – bobble head dolls and such.”

The museum is set to open Spring of 2019.

Centennial High School Offers Pole Dancing as Vocational Education

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Down a nondescript hallway, past the doors to the gym at Centennial High School, workmen install three poles in the room where the junior varsity wrestling team once met.  Strobe lights, we were told, got installed last week.  Now that the conversion is complete, Northern Colroado has its first ever vocational classroom for aspiring professional strippers.  Here, Nancy Fowler, AKA Kronik, teaches her young pupils the sensuous art of pole dancing while Eminem’s “Shake That” blares from the stereo.  “They [the students] only do it in gym clothes here; once they do their internship though, it’s tops off!”  she added, “Next semester, I hope to add lap dancing to the course.  I don’t think we’ll have any trouble finding volunteer guys for those.”  A collective giggle ensued.

For all the benefit to young women leaving Centennial High School with a job skill for profitable employment, Kronik’s pole-dancing class has drawn controversy from the community.  Francine Tipton, whose daughter goes to the alternative high school was vehement in her criticism, “This is an outrage!  Where is our school board?  Where is the parents’ group?  I can’t have my daughter in an immoral environment like this!”  Indeed the school’s parents’ group is suing over this matter, but for all the brew-ha-ha, the new elective has garnered at least some local support.

Area resident Bob Kaminski, age 41, “That’s awesome that Centennial’s doing this!  I LOVE strippers and strip joints.  What do you think I do on a Friday night right after I get my paycheck?  Let’s hope Centennial [High School] offers an entrepreneurship class along with this, so that we can FINALLY get a strip joint opened here in FoCo.  Dude, I’ve been missing one ever since the Hunt Club went under.”  Self-declared feminist Erin Clarke-Avila gave her two cents, “You know, if we’re gonna narrow the gender pay gap, we women have to  do it by any means necessary, right?  That includes getting a second job.  If it weren’t for my sag-bags, guess what I’d be doing for a night job?”

Administrator Sean Camacho gave his reasoning over their controversial addition of the pole-dancing elective, “First off, this is an elective.  That means they take it if they want to.  Nobody’s compelling anyone to do anything.  Second, let’s face it: this high school takes in the rejects from the whole of the Poudre R-1 School District.  And the teen moms…”  a long pause ensued,  “Don’t even get me started on those.”  after taking a sip of a Pepto-Bismol-and-gin, he went on, “These kids aren’t exactly doctor or lawyer material.  Maybe a few might go to college, but the statistics show most of them won’t graduate, and where does that leave them?  [It leaves them] saddled with massive amounts of student-loan debt and no skills!  I for one, will do my job and equip these girls to do something that makes money.  What’s the harm in opening this unique opportunity to them?”

Organizers to Relocate Greeley Stampede to Boulder, Citing Stink, Diversity

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In a press release the organizers of the annual rodeo tournament known as the Greeley Stampede announced that they will be moving the event to the up-market community of Boulder, some 40 miles to the West.  Spokeswoman Stormy Ryder of the Stampede granted an interview to Trib reporter Ludwig Schnee.  “The problem with Greeley is that it stinks to high hell!  I heard there’s a feedlot there, and that’s what makes the place reek enough to gag a rodeo clown.  So, we’re moving our show to Boulder.  On top of that, it appears that our concession stands are selling way too many snacks that have entirely too much salt, sugar and fat.  Barbecued ribs, cotton candy and fried crap will give you diabetes, clog your arteries and give you a heart attack.  In short, we’re killing our fans- slowly and painfully.  We’re calling it quits on that.  The Boulder community, with its foodies and organic vegetable suppliers are sure to offer our fans much healthier snacks.  Who doesn’t crave organic kale salads, non-GMO tofu or carrot juice smoothies while watching a cowboy get bucked by a wild bronco?”

It appears the Stampede organizers also want to change the demographics of their audience, “Our fans have for too long been predominantly rural, working-class, conservative and Caucasian- precisely the kind of people that are on the downturn in America today.  We need to be hip and appeal to a more diverse audience; this year, we started out the transition by bringing [African-American country singer] Darius Rucker, but next year, we’re planning on having [rapper] Jay-Z.  Not only that, but seriously, how much money can you make off of broke-ass white people from the boonies of Poo-Dunk, USA?  Don’t those folks blow all their money on cigarettes, cheap beer and meth?  If we’re gonna be true America-loving capitalists, and make some real bucks, we gotta appeal to the folks with the dough: hipster liberal, urban types who think they’re diverse.  What’s the ‘Numero Uno’ place for that here in Colorado?  Boulder, of course, though Fort Collins isn’t too far behind.  Lastly, we want to break the hetero/cis-normative, stigma of the hyper-macho sport of rodeo, and become fully inclusive of the LGBTQ+ community of Northen Colorado.  Again, what’s the epicenter of that in the Centennial State?”

In other news, area restaurants, construction sites and landscaping businesses have suffered record-high absenteeism, with workers calling in sick a day after Mexico’s 2-1 win over South Korea in a World Cup Soccer qualifier.  Liquor stores also report record-high sales of Tecate, Corona and Dos Equis beers as well as tequilas of all kinds.

Biker Gang Clubhouse to Open in Place of Closed Bisetti’s

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This past January 31st, Focopolitan mourners carried a mock coffin from Bisetti’s restaurant all the way to Grandview Cemetery, FoCo’s poshest, most exclusive burial ground, in a requiem for that beloved staple of Fort Collins dining. Marching to Frederic Chopin’s Marche Funebre, and under the lugubrious light of a super blue blood moon, the people shared their memories of the times they had at the four decades-long institution. After hearing about the: many dates, wedding receptions, business deals, bar/bat/bax (for the transgender Jew) mitzvahs and meals that folks had there, people invariably asked, “So what’s gonna go in there now?”

It wasn’t a half hour after the doors of our beloved Bisetti’s closed for good, that a sign went up announcing the soon-to-be open new establishment: a local, biker bar. Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee happened to be passing by when some of the new tenant-cum-patrons of the space were unloading wrenches, power tools, oil pans, bottles of booze, and various-sized boxes that read “Harley Davidson” on them. One of the leather-bound, burly men carrying parts into the closed Bisetti’s took the time to speak with Schnee. “We’re coming in here in order to have a place to gather at, booze it up, raise hell and change the oil of our Harleys.”

The Focopolitan Tribune crew attempted contact with various concerned institutions from neighboring stores to security services to umbrella business organizations, inquiring about the opening of the new establishment and got a surprising degree of positive feedback. In an email, one member of the Business Organization of Old Town (BOOT) stated, “People talk so much about diversity here, but nobody ever does much, so we would like to invite the new owners to our next luncheon. We would love to have one of them on our board of directors. That would sure bring some diversity to our community.” While some were concerned that the biker gang is part of the Hell’s Angels, the group is actually a local phenomenon calling itself Phuck the Poudre. Why they opted for such a name is unclear, but we hope to inform our readers of that sometime in the near future.

The Trib crew were unable to contact Fort Collins Police Services officially, but a passing security-for-hire officer spoke anonymously, “Hell, yeah! Finally we can get some action here other than canning bums and slamming drunk college students onto the pavement! These guys are actually gonna keep me, the police, the jail and the courts in business!” College students themselves seemed enthused. A CSU sociology major, Colleen Middleton, had this to say, “It’s so exciting; can’t wait to see the place up and running!” A small squeal ensured.

Tim Ashbury, the owner of the bar, and its bartender, seemed pleased with himself. As he stood in front of the entrance, he smiled. “Now this is a proper place for a bar; right in the fuck sakes of things! I can’t believe no one’s tried this before me.” As he stared up at the building, he had this aside to Schnee. “Gonna have to white-trash up this awning though.

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