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Fort Collins Poetry Piece Successfully Ends Syrian Civil War

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By Bashar_al-Assad.jpg: Fabio Rodrigues Pozzebom / ABrderivative work: César (talk) - Bashar_al-Assad.jpg, CC BY 3.0 br, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=16144552

In a move declared by the US Department of State as “stunning,” Syrian president Bashar al-Assad has unilaterally, independently, and under no apparent duress, foresworn violence altogether.  At a press conference, Syria’s dictator gave his solemn motive for the farewell to arms: a small group of pacifists who happen to call Fort Collins home.

The group, calling itself Poetry for Peace, is composed of CSU students and aging, local hippies.  Weekly gatherings along the banks of the Cache la Poudre River, or at low-rent watering holes, have them exchanging verses and ideas for such causes as the environment, racial reconciliation, gender, economic equality and of course, world peace.  It appears that their poem, “A Call to Compassion” so moved the hearts of readers that even Bashar al-Assad was compelled unilaterally to end his country’s 6-year long civil war.

The Focopolitan Tribune has been unable to reach president Assad or his press secretaries, but we were able to contact a capable spirit medium who, after hours of ecstatic dancing, a sacrificial chicken and the appropriate hallucinogens, contacted Richard Holbrooke. Holbrooke’s 40-year career in the State Department and the Peace Corps spanned the globe; he is probably best remembered for his role in the Dayton Peace Accords ending the war in Bosnia-Herzegovina, as well as for his role in the Kosovo War, which culminated in the arrest and trial of Slobodan Milosevic.

Asked about Poetry for Peace’s accomplishment, Holbrooke said, “I can’t believe these people!  They write one poem, ONE POEM, and boom!  Peace. As for me, I spent 40-plus years in public service paying my dues, navigating bureaucracy, kissing the right asses only to get to the top and have warring sides barely want to talk to me, let alone each other.  Then what?  I patiently take miniscule steps and put up with their idiotic bullshit only to get a string of fragile agreements that over time, my team and I turned into a feeble peace.  I used to think that these people were a bunch of useless quixotics, involved in nothing better than pseudo-intellectual circle-jerking, but I was wrong.  I should have been a poet.”  Asked for more comment on the matter, Holbrooke ended the seance by stating, “I can’t believe it!  When I was alive, The New York Times, The Washington Post and the Wall Street Journal would go out of their way to get an interview with me, but now that I’m dead, the only ones who want my opinion are two-bit muckrakers from fourth-rate newspapers like yours!  I’ll tell you, being dead really sucks; now fuck off, I’m done!”

It was at this point that the spirit of the late president of Kosovo, and frequent Holbrooke interlocutor, Ibrahim Rugova inhabited our intrepid spirit medium.  “Really, man.  I envy these people.  I spent decades writing literary criticism and pushed for peace, but I only got it after I abandoned literary life, and embraced the squalid, frustrating world of politics.  What are they doing that I didn’t do?  Seriously, tell these people to fuck off, and while you’re at it, go ahead and fuck off too.”

Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee met up with Poetry for Peace at Lions Park and after a good sharing of a group joint and the obligatory sing-along to John Lennon’s “Give Peace a Chance” and “Imagine”, spokes-human Puffy Snuggle, who is gender non-conforming, gloated on the group’s accomplishment, “I wanna see Boulder top this, bee-yotch!” Snuggle continued, “We’re probably gonna write our next poems with the titles ‘Let the Poudre Live’ and ‘Give Impeachment a Chance’.”  We at the Trib can’t wait.

 

Adult Industry Talent Scouts Found at Greeley West High School Career Fair

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In what has become a first in Weld County District 6 history, administrators have allowed representatives of D and L Entertainment, an adult industry conglomerate, which includes such websites as dekwansxxxwhitebitches.com and lusciouslindyslustylesbolovers.com, to set up booths alongside other prospective local and national employers. The controversial move has drawn outspoken criticism, indeed ire, from parents, religious leaders and the community at large. “This is so inappropriate! I can’t believe the district allowed pornographers into our school and left Jesus out!” remarked one anonymous parent.

 Dekwan Washington and Linda “Lindy” Dawson, partners in more than just business ventures, had a far more pedestrian view of their entry into the high school’s career fair. “We’re just scouting for some new talent for our ‘barely legal’ category. SoCal and South Florida just can’t fill the demand for it. We’re a growing industry.” Remarked Dekwan, “We’ve been getting lots of interest from the young women here…and some of the staff! I could use’em in our MILF section but that ain’t what we came here for.” Asked about the controversy that surrounded her and Dekwan’s professional presence there, Dawson added, “Well, if people don’t want to work for us, they don’t have to. Just like if they don’t want to work for McDonald’s they don’t have to either, and if they don’t like porn, we’re not forcing them to watch it. Serious, folks, get over yourselves.” Linda and Dekwan added that in the state of California alone more than 10,000 people are employed in some way in the adult entertainment business, where it is a $13 billon dollar annual industry. “What other $13 billon, 10,000-employee business should be denied access to a good staffing solution like this?”

 School administrators remained officially mum over their decision, but it appears to the Focopolitan Tribune that they did not fully know what D and L Entertainment was until the career fair was long underway. Speaking to our reporters, an administrator took a nuanced view of D and L Entertainment’s presence, “Well, what can I say? Having the adult industry here just opens another door of opportunity for some students to maybe get a shot at winning for once.” The administrator added, “All branches of the military recruit here, and that job can actually kill you, maim you and give you PTSD—the real kind, not the chicken-shit-safe-space variety! Are any of those parent-protestors going to tell me that the porn industry, which doesn’t get you killed, is somehow worse? It’s okay to go off to kill and die for your country no questions asked, but acting in an adult film is somehow worth the community’s protest?”

 Dekwan and Linda were pleased with the overall result of the career fair. “We had quite a bit of interest and when they’ve graduated and turned 18, we’ll be giving them a call,” replied Linda. “Definitely will have to try something like this again…much more impressive than recruiting from down-on-their-luck actors!” Dekwan added.

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