Monthly archive

July 2018

Coalition of Interest Groups Proposes Closure, Destruction of I-25

in Environment/Local Flavor/Politics by

In a rare meeting of minds and agendas, an ad-hoc group of GOP bigwigs, civic groups and environmental radicals got together and devised an unorthodox plan to deal with traffic on Interstate 25, the biggest North-South highway linking Northern and Southern Colorado. Republican dissident Warren “Spud” Douglas, “We all know when something just ain’t workin’, the best we do is quit it. That’s what the Colorado GOP plan is for I-25. And we all know I-25 just doesn’t work. If you have any doubt, just drive on it on Labor Day weekend or Thanksgiving. Our plan is simple: close the Interstate and de-fund it. That way, the taxpayer won’t have to foot the bill for this unconstitutional monster that the Eisenhower administration built, and let the private sector prevail! We believe that individual people are resourceful enough to find their own means of moving themselves and their cargo from North to South without the help of government. If we’re gonna be true Constitutionalist, small-government Republicans, that’s what we do: reduce the size and scope of government. Where in the Constitution is it written that the government’s supposed to build highways?”

Environmentalist Fern Greene added to the chorus, “If Left-leaning Coloradoans are ever to consider themselves environmentalists, [you need to] put your money where your mouths are! Have you heard of re-wilding people’s hearts and minds through better environmental education in our public schools? Bah! That’s for slacktivists! We’re gonna re-wild Colorado practically. You may ask, ‘So what are you doing about it?’ Well, my answer is simple: We’re creating a coalition to discourage the use of the cancer that cars are to our atmosphere by destroying the means to use them locally: I-25. In its place, my group proposes to turn what is now the interstate into a wilderness sanctuary and a migratory corridor for wildlife.”

Joining forces with environmentalists and right-wing Republicans, was Coloradoans for Safety Above All Else (COFSALE). Spokeswoman Stephanie Ramsey gave her reasoning, “Do you know how many people are injured and killed each year on Colorado roads? What better way to reduce the number than shutting down the worst culprit of them all? Duh…”

We, at the Focopolitan Tribune drive on I-25 and find it to be a cluster-fuck that only the lower rungs of Dante’s Hell could spawn. We can’t see why Coloradans haven’t gotten rid of it sooner. It is clear to us therefore, that there is no downside to this plan: lower taxes, fewer deaths and injuries on our roads and a restored environment… sounds like a classic no-brainer to us. We also praise the parties of this proposal for their truly democratic grass-roots activism and their meeting across party lines and political agendas.

Centennial High School Offers Pole Dancing as Vocational Education

in Arts and Entertainment/Local Flavor by

Down a nondescript hallway, past the doors to the gym at Centennial High School, workmen install three poles in the room where the junior varsity wrestling team once met.  Strobe lights, we were told, got installed last week.  Now that the conversion is complete, Northern Colroado has its first ever vocational classroom for aspiring professional strippers.  Here, Nancy Fowler, AKA Kronik, teaches her young pupils the sensuous art of pole dancing while Eminem’s “Shake That” blares from the stereo.  “They [the students] only do it in gym clothes here; once they do their internship though, it’s tops off!”  she added, “Next semester, I hope to add lap dancing to the course.  I don’t think we’ll have any trouble finding volunteer guys for those.”  A collective giggle ensued.

For all the benefit to young women leaving Centennial High School with a job skill for profitable employment, Kronik’s pole-dancing class has drawn controversy from the community.  Francine Tipton, whose daughter goes to the alternative high school was vehement in her criticism, “This is an outrage!  Where is our school board?  Where is the parents’ group?  I can’t have my daughter in an immoral environment like this!”  Indeed the school’s parents’ group is suing over this matter, but for all the brew-ha-ha, the new elective has garnered at least some local support.

Area resident Bob Kaminski, age 41, “That’s awesome that Centennial’s doing this!  I LOVE strippers and strip joints.  What do you think I do on a Friday night right after I get my paycheck?  Let’s hope Centennial [High School] offers an entrepreneurship class along with this, so that we can FINALLY get a strip joint opened here in FoCo.  Dude, I’ve been missing one ever since the Hunt Club went under.”  Self-declared feminist Erin Clarke-Avila gave her two cents, “You know, if we’re gonna narrow the gender pay gap, we women have to  do it by any means necessary, right?  That includes getting a second job.  If it weren’t for my sag-bags, guess what I’d be doing for a night job?”

Administrator Sean Camacho gave his reasoning over their controversial addition of the pole-dancing elective, “First off, this is an elective.  That means they take it if they want to.  Nobody’s compelling anyone to do anything.  Second, let’s face it: this high school takes in the rejects from the whole of the Poudre R-1 School District.  And the teen moms…”  a long pause ensued,  “Don’t even get me started on those.”  after taking a sip of a Pepto-Bismol-and-gin, he went on, “These kids aren’t exactly doctor or lawyer material.  Maybe a few might go to college, but the statistics show most of them won’t graduate, and where does that leave them?  [It leaves them] saddled with massive amounts of student-loan debt and no skills!  I for one, will do my job and equip these girls to do something that makes money.  What’s the harm in opening this unique opportunity to them?”

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