Monthly archive

May 2018

Bolder Boulder Moved to Greeley Due to Parking, Crowding Woes

in Health and Fitness by

In a press release earlier today, the Bolder Boulder organization stunned the running community and residents of Boulder with a last-minute announcement stating that the 10-kilometer race, now in its 41st annual running, will not be held in Boulder this year.  Reasons of over-crowding and problems with parking were cited.  “We will therefor be moving the race to beautiful, historic Greeley, Colorado.”  The race, it was explained, will begin at Island Grove Park, run past the Swift and Co. slaughterhouse, turn South on US 85 towards Evans and end right back where it starts.

When we at the Focopolian Tribune got wind of this news, we called the Bolder Boulder to find out about this last minute change of venue.  Surely there would be a hitch, after all, the race being held on Memorial Day, which is just three days after the publishing of this article.  Surely there will be logistical difficulties.  Thankfully Bolder Boulder spokeswoman Lola Renner called us back.

“Naaaahhh.  There will be no difficulty at all.  We’ll just get all our gear- timers, chips, bibs, promotional material, billboards, aid stations, tents, race medals, jerseys, sponsors and volunteers and put all that stuff in the back of my boyfriend’s pickup, and we’re set.  Shouldn’t take more than a couple of hours.”  Asked about the 50,000 participants and athletes who have signed up for the race, and in many cases flew in from faraway and made hotel reservations in Boulder and nearby communities, Renner said, “Uuuuhhhh… They’re on their own, but I think most of ’em know where Greeley is and it’s not too much of a haul, so… no problem.  Oh, yeah and we’ve actually got good parking there, ’cause after all, nobody goes to Greeley.  It’s not like any people actually live there; it’s all cows, and shit.  By the way, do they clean their roads after the cowboys drive the cattle down the main road?  I don’t know much about Greeley except what my mom told me about it after reading [James Michener’s epic novel] Centennial.”

 

Republican Gubernatorial Candidate: Teachers Aren’t Poorly Paid, Just Badly Married

in Local Flavor/Politics by

In a bizarre Facebook post, dissident Colorado Republican gubernatorial candidate, Warren “Spud” Douglas has taken a position on the recent teacher walkouts and protests that have occurred over the last two months in Colorado and other states. Douglas stated,

“As true Republicans, we should be no friends of government, and we don’t believe that government can do anything as well as the private sector. Our schools are the best example of that. Therefore, if we are going to be ideologically honest with ourselves and our base, the best thing we can do is to de-fund this failing program which does nothing other than squeeze the taxpayer and churn out mediocre human material. Thank God and Doug Bruce for TABOR, which limits the spending of government, including our schools. On top of that, teachers know and have always known what their profession pays, so if teachers tell me they’re poorly paid, I just tell them, ‘You’re not poorly paid, just badly married.’”

We at the Focopolitan Tribune were floored at reading this. We reached Mr. Douglas, and asked him to clarify what he said. We also reminded him that arguably the best time for American public education was in the years following the Soviet Union’s launch of the satellite Sputnik. The launching of that satellite prompted the Republican (yes, Republican!) Eisenhower-administration to pump federal money through the bi-partisan National Defense Education Act into public schools in support of science, technology, engineering and mathematics education. The result was a flourishing of American STEM over the following decade, which culminated in the 1968 moon landing. Douglas responded, “Eisenhower was a traitor to the GOP! He might as well have been our Petain and our Quisling rolled into one! I don’t care what people say happened to public education after the passage of the unconstitutional NDEA. What Ike did was treason to the Republican cause. Oh, yeah and that moon landing was a hoax. I read all about it on the internet, so that kind of nullifies whatever supposed achievement we got from the NDEA.”

Covering the teacher demonstrations at the State Capitol, Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee contacted a professional educator for comment on Mr. Douglas’ declarations, and this is what Kyla Hernandez had to say, “Are you kidding me? First off, I’m not even married, so I can’t be badly married. Besides that, this idea of taking funding away from schools because they’re failing is kind of like taking cops off the street when crime becomes a problem. I’d like to see if that’s gonna happen. What in the hell are these people thinking? If that’s how people are going to keep treating this state’s educators, they’d better expect more walkouts. Goddam, I thought [Governor John] Hickenlooper was bad on education. It just goes to show: nothing is so bad that some asshole of an ideologue can’t possibly make it worse. Geeze, people! Are you really speaking for yourselves or is your politics speaking for you? Do your voters a favor: get your heads out of your ever-loving asses, and think about the people you represent! We’re taxpayers too, and we demand you do better than what you’ve done. Is that too hard to grasp?”

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