August 2017 – The Focopolitan Tribune

CU, CSU Mascots Eaten Week Before Face-off

In a tragic bifecta of unrelated events, both Cam the Ram, CSU’s mascot and Ralphie the buffalo, CU’s counterpart have been killed and eaten plunging Fort Collins and Boulder into collective mourning.

It all started with Cam the Ram’s appearance at the CSU vs. Oregon State University game which inaugurated CSU’s new football stadium. The excessive temperature of game day cause worrisome possible signs of dehydration in the ovine mascot. Minders immediately contacted his personal veterinarian who recommended immediate transport to CSU’s Veterinary Teaching Hospital. This is where things took a tragic turn.

A mix-up in paperwork at the stadium and a mis-entry on Google Maps landed Cam at a local kosher/halal butcher shop instead of the vet. When the SNAFU was noticed, it was too late.

The two butchers, one Muslim, one Jewish were apologetic about the incident In a press real ease Hamid Abdul el-Said and Levi Rothstein, the interfaith butchers, had this to say, “We purchased a few head of livestock from CSU, so that we could split the cost between us for Rosh Hoshana and Hajj, which happen to overlap this year. We didn’t realize who it was that had been included with the other ovines until CSU contacted us early in the week. Unfortunately, he had been turned into crown roast, braised shank and tripe stew with garlic. At least we consecrated him before and prayed for him after…”

Ralphie for her part enjoyed a few moments of freedom before her demise. In a fit of spontaneous activism, a group of drunk CU students freed Ralphie from her pen Saturday night. Loading her onto a stolen trailer, daybreak saw the spontaneous animal rights activists driving hung over around Boulder trying to figure out what to to with the stolen animal. A cursory web search turned up the reintroduced bison population at Soapstone Prairie, at which point they turned Northwards. Setting the female bison free, they drove back to Boulder. In a police deposition, one of the bison thieves stated, “She seemed quite happy to be out in nature- ya know… just like the orca at the end of Free Willy.”

Ralphie’s carcass was discovered with various arrow-like wounds by Larimer County Senior Naturalists on Monday evening. Visiting the reintroduced Indian Stettlement (see the Focopolitan Tribune’s article from May 31st ) the naturalists were surprised to find inhabitants feasting. On further examination, of the bison’s hide, no tracking number was found. It didn’t take long for the LCSN and CU officials to figure out that the dead animal was indeed the missing Ralphie.

Yawning Coyote Pratt, spokesman for the reintroduced American Indian settlement had this to say, “What the fuck, people?!?!?!? You tell me to kill a bison, and I kill my first one, and you’re all like ‘You killed the wrong one!!’ How the fuck am I supposed to know which one is which – they are all bison! i wasn’t born into this lifestyle, nor did my ancestors even hunt these things- they were fucking corn, squash and bean farmers! I’m gonna be proud of this kill no matter what you say. I’m gonna eat my first meal in a long time! Grilling night, baby! Oh, and what’s this about a football game? Can I borrow a TV?”

Fort Collins Poetry Piece Successfully Ends Syrian Civil War

Published on August 19, 2017 in Arts and Entertainment by Buck Hummingbird

By Bashar_al-Assad.jpg: Fabio Rodrigues Pozzebom / ABrderivative work: César (talk) - Bashar_al-Assad.jpg, CC BY 3.0 br, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=16144552

In a move declared by the US Department of State as “stunning,” Syrian president Bashar al-Assad has unilaterally, independently, and under no apparent duress, foresworn violence altogether. At a press conference, Syria’s dictator gave his solemn motive for the farewell to arms: a small group of pacifists who happen to call Fort Collins home.

The group, calling itself Poetry for Peace, is composed of CSU students and aging, local hippies. Weekly gatherings along the banks of the Cache la Poudre River, or at low-rent watering holes, have them exchanging verses and ideas for such causes as the environment, racial reconciliation, gender, economic equality and of course, world peace. It appears that their poem, “A Call to Compassion” so moved the hearts of readers that even Bashar al-Assad was compelled unilaterally to end his country’s 6-year long civil war.

The Focopolitan Tribune has been unable to reach president Assad or his press secretaries, but we were able to contact a capable spirit medium who, after hours of ecstatic dancing, a sacrificial chicken and the appropriate hallucinogens, contacted Richard Holbrooke. Holbrooke’s 40-year career in the State Department and the Peace Corps spanned the globe; he is probably best remembered for his role in the Dayton Peace Accords ending the war in Bosnia-Herzegovina, as well as for his role in the Kosovo War, which culminated in the arrest and trial of Slobodan Milosevic.

Asked about Poetry for Peace’s accomplishment, Holbrooke said, “I can’t believe these people! They write one poem, ONE POEM, and boom! Peace. As for me, I spent 40-plus years in public service paying my dues, navigating bureaucracy, kissing the right asses only to get to the top and have warring sides barely want to talk to me, let alone each other. Then what? I patiently take miniscule steps and put up with their idiotic bullshit only to get a string of fragile agreements that over time, my team and I turned into a feeble peace. I used to think that these people were a bunch of useless quixotics, involved in nothing better than pseudo-intellectual circle-jerking, but I was wrong. I should have been a poet.” Asked for more comment on the matter, Holbrooke ended the seance by stating, “I can’t believe it! When I was alive, The New York Times, The Washington Post and the Wall Street Journal would go out of their way to get an interview with me, but now that I’m dead, the only ones who want my opinion are two-bit muckrakers from fourth-rate newspapers like yours! I’ll tell you, being dead really sucks; now fuck off, I’m done!”

It was at this point that the spirit of the late president of Kosovo, and frequent Holbrooke interlocutor, Ibrahim Rugova inhabited our intrepid spirit medium. “Really, man. I envy these people. I spent decades writing literary criticism and pushed for peace, but I only got it after I abandoned literary life, and embraced the squalid, frustrating world of politics. What are they doing that I didn’t do? Seriously, tell these people to fuck off, and while you’re at it, go ahead and fuck off too.”

Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee met up with Poetry for Peace at Lions Park and after a good sharing of a group joint and the obligatory sing-along to John Lennon’s “Give Peace a Chance” and “Imagine”, spokes-human Puffy Snuggle, who is gender non-conforming, gloated on the group’s accomplishment, “I wanna see Boulder top this, bee-yotch!” Snuggle continued, “We’re probably gonna write our next poems with the titles ‘Let the Poudre Live’ and ‘Give Impeachment a Chance’.” We at the Trib can’t wait.