April 2020 – The Focopolitan Tribune

City Planning Employees Hone Skills with SimCity amid Corona Furloughs

The Coronavirus Pandemic has caused much disruption in Northern Colorado as everywhere. With layoffs and furloughs everywhere, not only are people finding themselves unemployed, our more skilled workers are also faced with the following dilemma regarding their skills: if you don’t use it, you lose it. But not so with one Northern Colorado town…

At his upscale home near the Ptarmigan golf course, Deputy-Assistant-Vice-President for City Planning and Management for the town of Windsor, Mohammed Smith, bides his time. Speaking from his patio couch, Mr. Smith granted your reporter, Ludwig Schnee an interview. “Truth is, there just isn’t much we can do right now in the real world.” He went on, “But we can’t just let ourselves get soft. We have vital skills that we can’t let go by the wayside. We gotta practice. That’s why I play SimCity.” The town of Windsor employee referred to the 1989 computer game made for the Commodore 66. He went on, “It’s EXACTLY the same thing as my actual job. It involves zoning, taxation, managing a city within a budget, electric grids, roads, rail lines, policing, crime, housing… and the occasional disaster! I’m telling you, it’s just like managing a real city… and I can do that from the comfort of my own couch!”

Disturbed by the flippant overlooking of a critical factor, your reported inquired about the most critical thing of all in managing a city: the human factor- citizens, city councils, county commissioners, cops, workers, et al…

“Naaah! No problem there. If SimCity doesn’t have that problem factored in, then reality won’t either. Simple as that.” He changed the subject, “It’s too bad I can’t get paid to play this game… err… keep my skills honed during this pandemic, but maybe the city might come up with some Donald Trump dough for me… and maybe my family too.”

CORONAVIRUS GIVES TEARFUL ACCEPTANCE SPEECH AT AWARDS CEREMONY

Published on April 2, 2020 in Health and Fitness by Buck Hummingbird

The 1^st Annual Pandemic Award, a joint effort put together by the World Health Organization (WHO) and the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), overwhelmingly voted for the new coronavirus as its inaugural winner.

Fort Collins was honored as the first town in the United States to hold such an event. Mainly because, “Well, they [the CDC] does research here in town for, like, diseases,” replied the janitor of the facility Dale Humperdinck. He was the only person on the premises when you’re intrepid reporter showed up before the big event. “Only place outside of Georgia!”

That night, the virus wearing a risqué dress and N95 mask to match, gratefully accepted the Double Helix statuette to a nearly empty house. Those in attendance were sitting at least 6 feet apart dressed in Hazmat suits, following accepted WHO and CDC guidelines for infectious diseases.

“This means so much to me,” gushed the virus. “I mean I’m so new and to be given this award….just shows you what hard work can do!”

As the virus continued, it had to continually use the hem of its dress to wipe away tears of joy. “I would’ve thought Ebola or another viral hemorrhagic fever would be first. Hell, even bubonic plague probably would’ve topped the list. But little, ole me? You guys are great! To be so new and so honored in this fashion. Thank you, thank you!”

Outside the venue anti-anti-activists were waiting to congratulate the recipient.

“I mean, Mother Nature is just healing itself right now. It’s amazing!” gushed one young man in dreadlocks and a tie-dyed shirt. “It was able to do what we have spent years protesting about. Oh, gotta go join the drum circle.”

And with that your intrepid reporter watched as anti-anti-activists joined for a rousing chorus of Kumbaya within a drum circle instituted by a group that, individually, drove up from Boulder.