This 4th of July, people in Colorado and Wyoming will celebrate 242 years of declared independence from the United Kingdom. For as far back as living memory serves us, Americans of all colors, sexes, classes, creeds, races, ethnicities, sexual orientations, gender identities, food intolerances, regions, political affiliations, intersectionalities (and more) have celebrated the national holiday by lighting, launching and exploding fireworks of all kinds. This year though, city councils from Fort Collins, Longmont, Boulder and on down the interstate and into the mountains, have disallowed any use of fireworks by private individuals. Fines for such violations start at $1000 according to a sign on South College Avenue here in FoCo. That having been said, in Colorado you can at least light up a spliff and forget about such insipid laws and the morons who write them with the delightful buzz of some good Moroccan Black, Kingston Super Skunk, Sumatra Gold or the usual Maui-Maui.
Conversely in Wyoming, so long as it’s not inside Cheyenne city limits due to a ban, one can buy any and all kinds of fireworks and light ’em off anywhere. But, if you’re thinking of rolling the old joint, lighting up some weed, and getting high off your bong, you had better think twice, ’cause the reefer is still illegal in the Cowboy State.
We actually spoke with two people on either side of the Colorado-Wyoming border, and asked them about the reasoning for such laws. Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee tracked down Longmont City councilman Ben Dover, a lifelong Democrat, and this is what he had to say, “Of course we ban fireworks within city limits- that can blow off a limb and cause forest fires- even in the city. And no, we don’t think ANYONE- adult or child is sensible enough to shoot off fireworks safely in our city, not even in a concrete parking lot adjacent to a lake! On the other hand, we believe ganja is harmless, so if you want to light up, have at it. I mean, who are we to tell you how to live your life?”
A Republican Wyoming state legislator, who requested anonymity, had this to say, “In Wyoming, we like to live the libertarian life. I’ll do my thing and you do yours. So if you want to buy and set off fireworks, be my guest. Just be careful, don’t damage other peoples’ property and don’t be a nuisance. On the other hand, we keep marijuana illegal because it’s dangerous. Have you ever seen [the 1936 film] Reefer Madness? It’s dangerous to you, to me and to anyone who uses it. Everybody knows it’s a gateway drug, and it fucks up your brain and shit. If you have any doubts about that, just go to Pearl Street in Boulder and look at people.”
The editing staff of the Focopolitan Tribune as well as our head writers got together to opine on this matter. We have concluded that legislators from both sides of the border meet in a smoke-filled room, together with overseers from: the Illuminati, local representatives of world Jewish banking, the Annunaki, Focus on the Family, aliens and Freemasons, to conspire to pass laws like these JUST TO FUCK WITH US!!
