Radical Capitalist Group Celebrates Life, Achievements of Judas

in Business and Economics by

At a luncheon today, a local, fundamentalist capitalist group celebrated Easter weekend most unusually.  The group, calling itself Capitalism or Else!, celebrated and commented on the life of an otherwise repugnant human being: Judas Iscariot, the man who betrayed Jesus Christ for 30 pieces of silver.  According to the New Testament of the Holy Bible, Judas turned Jesus into Roman authorities out of pure greed and complete lack of integrity, but Capitalism or Else!’s, John Silverton had an entirely different perspective on the story, “We look at it another way.  Judas was really an innovator: the Amazon.com of his day.  What do they have in common?  They took people’s personal information, and monetized it.  What’s the big deal?  What sets (Amazon founder and owner) Jeff Bazos apart from other capitalists?  He didn’t just discover untapped markets- he invented them.  He didn’t just come into some existing realm of money making like a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman, he created his own money-making forum: he saw there was a demand for people’s personal information- their buying patterns, their internet searches, and so on, and he sold them and people ended up better off for it.  The genius of Bazos was finding that thing that nobody else saw potential for and then just followed the laws of supply and demand.  Just think of it: Judas did the same.  He realized there was huge demand on the part of Roman buyers who had silver, for information on Judean seditionists.  Judas was in optimal condition to supply that information, so he charged the premium for it.  Silver for information, information for silver and KACHINK!  The guy got rich and all these commie-ass Christians go around condemning him!  What’s up with that?”  Mr. Silverton paused, “I hope Judas at least picked up the tab at the last supper, but the Gospels don’t tell us.  Seriously, the only one high on the hog at he last supper was my man, Judas.  All the others were broke.”

“Come to think of it, he was the first follower of Jesus to make a killing selling Jesus.  He ought to be the example to all these preachers out there, from Ken what’s-his-face…” he paused again “…you know, that guy with the big-ass house in Steamboat [Springs, CO] to Joel Osteen.  They can’t hold a candle to Judas.  Why are these preachers today respected, but Judas gets the treatment he gets?”

Further conversation revealed that Mr. Silverton will be founding an online startup that he plans to name judas.com specializing in auctions for packages of peoples’ internet searches.  “The e-bay for people’s personal information.  If you can buy and sell people’s debts, why not their personal information?  You shouldn’t see people as customers; they are the product, and that was a concept Judas figured out 2000 years ago.  Now, was that visionary or what?”

Boulder Travel Agency Offers Poverty Tours for High Roller Front Range Crowd

in Arts and Entertainment/Business and Economics by

Northern Colorado residents are some of the most worldly in America.  We Nocopolitans have seen it all and heard it all.  We’ve had it with Cancun and Cabo.  Jackson Hole and Aspen are practically our back yard.  Yellowstone and Yosemite are the epitome of pedestrain.  What possibly could top these experiences for our Left-of-center, environmental, altruistic sensibilities?

Enter Boulder’s niche touring agency: PPV Tours.  “The PPV stands for poor people viewing.  It’s really a thing.  Don’t believe me?  Just look at your liberal friends online and you’re bound to see pictures of them posing in photos next to little brown and black kids with that cute, little UNICEF look.  Moral of the story: poor people are exotic and interesting- kind of like animals on safari, and that’s what the monied liberal crowd want.  Let’s not forget this: the customer is always right.”  So said Miranda Mitchell, co-owner and operator of PPV Tours.  “They say that they want to ‘volunteer’ at some school or AIDS orphanage in Africa, but they just want to go there, look at what a wreck of a place they’re visiting, and feel like they’re doing something good for their fellow man, when in reality, they’re just objectifying their poverty.  After that, they come back home and have a story to tell and pictures to show other liberal jackwads, so that they can one-up them on who’s the most socially conscious, liberal snowflake at the drum-circle.”  she paused, “Just think of it as a Progressive version of ‘Keeping up with the Joneses.'”

PPV offers tours to Guatemala, Honduras and Nicaragua, since Mexico, Costa Rica and Panama are just too prosperous to illicit sympathy from travelers.  PPV also offers the Hassa diga Ibo ai tour of Uganda in conjunction with missionary organizations posted to the central African nation.

Asked what is the most challenging aspect of organizing the tours, Ms. Mitchell commented, “By far, finding an internet connection in the rural boonies of Uganda or Central America that our tourists can access Facebook and Instagram on.”  Taken aback by this fetishistic view of poor people, reporter Ludwig Schnee asked Ms. Mitchell more about her clientele to which she answered with unusual candor, “My tourists don’t like the poor- they like poverty.  There is a difference.”

Poudre River Gold Mine Reassures River Community: We’ll Only Pollute a Little Bit

in Business and Economics/Environment/Local Flavor by

After finding gold along the Poudre River, Trump Mining Corporation, a precious metals extraction company owned by none other than The Don himself addressed community members in Fort Collins, Greeley and all other municipalities that line our precious riverine resource.  In a Tweet, our president declared to the Poudre River community, “This is going to be the BEST gold mine EVER!!!  Fort Collins, Greeley, Laporte, Bellevue and all those places there are gonna be proud of this.”

These surprising developments however, have been met with fierce criticism.  FoCo environmental activist Fern Greene reached out to the Focopolitan Tribune and gave us a full interview.  “Gold mines are about the dirtiest, filthiest most environmentally degrading operations possible!  I’m so outraged that this fucking thing is even gonna open!  Do you know how much cyanide and mercury is used in the mining of gold?  Where’s it all gonna go?  And what is this all for?  To get some rich-ass people more fucking jewelry than they already have?  I’m sorry, but as a member of this community, I say, ‘no.’  Pollution of rivers and soil is the kind of thing that should only happen in countries where black and brown people live, not here!”

We at the Tribune managed to contact a spokesman from Trump Mining.  Aurelio Goldberg assured us, “Yeah, we do use mercury and cyanide in mining gold, but at least we have the river to take it away.  No problem there.  We just dump the stuff in the Poudre and away it goes…”  Horrified at such a flippant disregard for the environment, your reporter Ludwig Schnee asked about how this might effect the wildlife of the ecosystem to which Mr. Goldberg replied, “It’s gonna kill some fish, but so much the better.  All those anglers I see in the summer aren’t gonna need to pay a cent for those expensive waders, rods, bait or line.  They just need to go down and pluck ’em out; we did the hard part for them.”

Something tells us at the Trib that this can’t be the end of this…

I-25 High Speed Chase Catches Motorists by Surprise

in Local Flavor by

While police departments across the United States have been changing their policies regarding high-speed chases in urban areas, there are still instances of such follies upon the motorways. A recent incident on the north-south corridor of I-25 is a case in point.

Motorists traveling northbound on that section between Johnstown and Fort Collins witnessed the unusual occurrence. “I haven’t seen something like this since that right-wing bank robbery one on 285 [referring to a 1996 incident]!” gushed one excited young woman, who asked to remain anonymous.

Onlookers were treated to an exhilarating 45 MPH high-speed chase of one wanna-be Chevy Volt bandit followed by three police vehicles.

Another driver, 25-year-old Adam Summerfeld, who happened to be on the road, was amazed at the speed. “45 on I-25!?!?! Can you believe it? I wish that happened a lot more for just us regular drivers. I just got over to the right lane and let them do their thing. But it was a sight to see!” He walked off, muttering, “45! Man, 45!”

Police spokesman Colin O’Keefe acknowledged the irony of a “high-speed” chase being classified as anything else than an extreme speed. “Yes, the legal speed limit is 75 MPH but that rarely happens on I-25 anymore. So when we attempted to stop this person for a broken taillight and he took off, we had to step in. Eventually we clocked him at speeds up to 45 MPH! We didn’t expect that he would flee and then not follow requests to respectfully pull over.”

The police eventually barricaded the individual on the exit ramp for US-36 eastbound due to lack of volume at that particular location. “It was an emergency decision. We needed lots of room for the number of vehicles involved and in case he came barreling off the highway and a physical incident occurred,” intoned O’Keefe, “And that exit just doesn’t have lots of cars sometimes.”

The driver 46-year-old Ziggy Smith only had this to say in his defense. “Man, I just wanted to get home. I’d already been traveling from south Denver for over 2 hours.”

Poetry of Wrong Richard Wright Recited at Boulder Slam Event

in Arts and Entertainment by

Every February, America celebrates African-American History Month.  This year is no exception.  In order to honor the contributions of black people to American culture, science, industry and technology, we devote the shortest month of the year to black people… hey, at least it’s a month, and not just a week… or even a day, so…

Anyway, last Tuesday night, in celebration of African-American History Month, also known as February, the Bishkek Teahouse and Lounge on Boulder’s Broadway district added to its fine tea selection, a bucketful of Kool-Aid punch and hosted the first ever African-American Literary Weekend.  There were recitals and readings of famous African American authors, discussions, writing symposia and to top it off, a poetry slam.  One of the entrants, Laqueesha Jackson got a little carried away with poetry from Richard Wright, whom she thought was the early 20th Century African-American author and poet.  That Richard Wright lived from 1908 to 1960 and was African American.  Thing is, there was ANOTHER Richard Wright.  This other (1943-2014) was British, and is best known for his role in the band Pink Floyd, writing such songs as Wearing the Inside Out, Remember a Day and others.  While both wrote in the English language, each having a poetic command of the language, and each deserves his place in the canon of great English-language artists, they are not the same and should not be confused with each other.

That, Ms. Jackson learned the hard way when Ludwig Schnee pointed it out after she finished.  “I totally didn’t realize I was reading something written by some dude from England!  It was so real and shit.”  Reading the lyrics from the Pink Floyd song “Wearing the Inside Out,” Ms. Jackson recited in slam-style, “From morning to night, I stayed out of sight!  Didn’t recognize, I’d become… No more than alive, I barely survived.  In a word, over-run.”  Laqueesha later explained, “I thought that was a reference to [American] Richard Wright’s experience at being excluded on account of him having grown up in segregation in Mississippi and shit.  Turns out, it’s just some sort of rambling from a white English guy.” She paused, ” At least the crowd liked it.”

To any poetry buffs out there, we would recommend “Between the World and Me” next time around.

Shutdown Inspires DPS Teachers’ Strike

in Local Flavor/Politics by

Kyla Sandoval has been a teacher at DPS for 2 years.  A graduate of the University of Northern Colorado’s Education program, she has slaved away for a pittance at a crime-ridden, run-down high school (which shall remain anonymous).  As coach of the debate team, Ms. Sandoval has inspired her pupils to go beyond the “Fuck you!… No, fuck you!” exchanges typical of DPS debate clubs.  But for all her efforts, Ms. Sandoval has yet to be paid enough to cover rent and expenses without public assistance.  “Damn dude, it really sucks to be on SNAPs and have to do the whole LulaRoe routine when you already have a full time job!”  Kyla went on to explain how she has a veritable Pikes Peak in student loan debt.

Kyla’s story is one of many for teachers at DPS.  Is it any wonder that the teacher’s union is considering a strike?  Ms. Sandoval explained what was behind the putative strike, “I’ll be honest: I was truly inspired by the government shutdown, and I think teachers at Denver Public Schools (DPS) should follow the fine example that our president is giving us.  THAT’S why we like to use ‘Red for Ed;’ our president is of the party that has red as its color and he’s shutting everything down.  It’s like we’re the same or something… we just want to make enough bread to make a living and shit.”

Focopolitan Tribune reporter Buck Hummingbird interviewed the president of the PTA of said high school.  La’Tonya Jackson had this to say, “If this ‘Red for Ed’ thing happens, the education my kids gonna git is gonna have to be better than the education they git from watching daytime TV!” Ms. Jackson paused, “But it’s probably all gonna wind up just like our president: don’t do shit and nuthin’ git done!”

Although Denver’s “Red for Ed” movement has yet to initiate its strike, the claims have been heard loud and clear. Whether anybody will do jack shit about it, is another story…

Entrepreneur Proposes Cherry Picker for Control Tower for Local Airport

in Business and Economics/Local Flavor by

With the recent addition of an American Airlines flight connecting the po-dunk city of Cheyenne, Wyoming to its major hub in Dallas, Texas, and thereon to anywhere around the world, Focopolitans and Lovelanders have a good reason for being butt-hurt.  How could a second-rate community like Cheyenne get a flight to someplace worth going to, while Northern Colorado Regional Airport (NCRAP) gets only occasional flights to Vegas, Phoenix or the obscure Illinois town of Rockford?

Enter new arrival Armando Torres.  A recent immigrant from Sinaloa, Mexico, Armando has massive experience in the fields of logistics and airstrip management.  “I have worked for more than 20 years managing private airfields.  Whether it’s a jungle in Colombia or a desert in Northern Mexico, when it comes to managing air traffic, cargo and airstrips, I’m an expert!  I used to manage a whole fleet of single-engined, propeller-driven cargo planes until the police came and took my previous employers to jail.”  He went on, “You guys here at NCRAP have a lot to work with: I mean, you guys actually have hangars and a PAVED RUNWAY!  That’s way more advanced than anything I’ve ever dealt with, and I moved stuff- I mean, a few dozen Cesnas a day for years, hombre!”

While NCRAP serves the Fort Collins-Loveland area and has in the past hosted flights by carriers such as Allegiant Air, it currently has no commercial flights to anywhere.  The reason given by the airlines is that the airport does not have a control tower.  But for Señor Torres, that is no impediment.  “No worries, esse!  Tell those cabrones at the FAA [Federal Aviation Administration] that I’ll jack up a cherry-picker as high as it goes, and that’s enough.  I’ll pay for it in cash- greenbacks.  You think I ever worked with a control tower back in Colombia?  In other words, as we say, ‘La garantia soy yo.’  The warranty is me.  We can get a flight started to Culiacan [Mexico] in no time flat!”  When we asked Sr. Torres about safety, he didn’t miss a beat, “No problem.  I’ll just tether myself with a sky hook.”

With such a spectacular resume, officials are loath to let Señor Torres get away. “This could solve all of the issues that we’re having in getting flights from the airport, no matter the destination,” proclaimed an anonymous airport official. “Plus, he’s willing to take on maintenance of the cherry-picker too!  It’s a grand deal.  The only concern I have is safety.  Mr. Torres admits to only a few mishaps, but his record-keeping is… let us say, a little South of the border.  Even so, nobody’s perfect, right?”

Mr. Torres and NCRAP have submitted plans to the Federal Aviation Administration.  Final approval is pending and a ruling expected this January.

Downtown Lights Receive Help From the Moon

in Environment by

It is once again the holiday season and Fort Collins officials have put up the downtown lights. This year is a little different than years past.

“We’re more conscious than ever of needed sustainability issues especially electric ones. Coal is used in electricity production so we took that into consideration when looking at how we can keep this lighting tradition going and still reduce our carbon footprint,” said Business of Old Town Federation Board president Mohammad Gordon.

The answer appeared during the summer when officials were busy reading through proposals for various solar-panel projects. “We realized that although solar-panels can’t be used during the evening what about lunar-panels? The lights are on during the night really and so if we can replace their electricity source from electric to lunar power, we could be saving money and doing our bit for the environment!”

It soon became obvious that this was an easy concept to write down on paper but much harder in its implementation. For one, the panels had to be invented.

Enter BillyJoe Boom. “Now, if ya see here, the moon don’ cast as much light as the sun,” commented the panels’ inventor, a resident of Severance. “So that mean you don’t get as much in terms of power.” Mr. Boom describes himself as an innovative entrepreneur. “I mean how many other people coulda thought to do lunar power? Genius!”

Mr. Boom markets his invention for smaller companies and seasonal projects. “’Cause you don’ have that much power so big projects ain’t gonna really work with these things. But seasonal or small ones, don’ that just fit!”

“In the long run we’re going to be saving money,” replied Commissioner Gordon, when asked about cost. “Yes, they were a little expensive up front but now we don’t have an electric bill for these lights either. So win-win for all; it was the best $1.5 million dollar investment of other people’s money we’ve ever done.”

The panels are located on top of a building on a main stretch of downtown College. Officials are not forthcoming as to where they are exactly due to fears of vandalism or outright theft. Mr. Boom is remaining on staff for this season just in case kinks or other issues arise. “This is the first commercial outfit for me, so’s I best help to make sure ever’thing goes smooth-like. After this, I’m gonna peddle them in Boulder too; them folks are just as rich and just as self-conscious of being seen as environmental friendly-like.”

So as you enjoy the holiday lights this season, remember that Fort Collins is at the vanguard of sustainability efforts by harnessing the power of the moon.

Old Town Peace Monument Not Effective at Making Peace, but Popular with Area Dogs

in Arts and Entertainment/Local Flavor by

This is the holiday season.  This is the season of kin group get-togethers, presents, fruitcakes (of the literal as well as of the figurative kinds) and calls for function in the family and peace on earth.  While the former depends greatly on individuals, and sometimes can be achieved for short periods of time, the latter is a little harder.  Notwithstanding, the Fort Collins city council has done its bit: years ago, our elected officials erected a fatuous wooden dick-shaeped thingy in Old Town that has written on it in four different languages “May peace prevail on the Earth.”

If you haven’t noticed the pole, your dog probably has if you’ve ever taken it to Old Town.  The pole serves as a message board for all male canines who frequent the square, and serves as a communal p-mail site.  Fluffy, a Goldendoodle commented to Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee, “That stick there is really cool to pee on.  I swear, there’s scent from at least 40 other dogs on there every time I use it.”   It should be clear to all Focopolitans that that is all the pole is good for.

The object’s permanence in Old Town, and the fact that nobody but this newspaper openly mocks it, is a testament to something about Fort Collins: we LOVE to signal our virtue, from yard signs to bumper stickers, that’s a favorite pastime of ours.  When it comes to actually doing something though, we happily stop at symbolism.  At that, only Boulder can beat us.  21-year old CSU student Stephanie Jarr stated, “I didn’t even know this was here for years, but now that I do, I agree with it totally!  I think I’m gonna take a selfie by it and post it on Instagram.”

A cursory look at the state of affairs in the world is clear evidence that this thing isn’t working.  Apparently, it takes more than the erection of a phallic object to elicit world peace, however laudable such quixotic yearnings may be, but in the meantime, it is incumbent on us here in Foco to show ourselves just how virtuous we are…

Chase Bank Robbery: What is Known, What We Don’t Know and (Most Importantly) What We Think

in Business and Economics/Local Flavor by

Last Wednesday around 2:15 PM, Fort Collins Police Services responded to a reported robbery at the Chase Bank on 1275 East Magnolia St.  What ensued was a police search that must have made the lousy schlub of a bank robber feel like DB Cooper himself!  The search, which involved dozens of uniformed officers, police detectives and even an observation drone gave our dear friends in blue something to do for a few hours between two prolonged periods of taking calls, writing tickets, paperwork and otherwise dull cop shit.  It might be worth mentioning in passing that their presence as well as their flashing blue lights did little to discourage lookie-Lous.

In any event, we reached out to an FCPS officer involved in the case who requested not to be named.  He told Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee, “Ooooh yeeeeaaaaaahhh!!!  A break from busting bums out by the homeless shelter!  Woohoo!  What, and we even got the cobwebs off our tactical gear?  And we’re using a drone?  This is what I signed up to be a cop for!  Whooopeeee!”

While the police is officially mum about the case, as it’s ongoing, we were able to speak to a detective who also requested anonymity.  “We absolutely canvassed the strip mall, which contains a variety of retail outlets in addition to the bank.”  The detective went on to elaborate what he discovered at these various businesses: “Q-Doba has LOTS of burritos.  Dairy Queen sells ice cream, Game Stop is apparently a geek hangout.  Papa Murphy’s sells pizza and the UPS store has lots of mailing packages.”  Your police force is sure astute in its observations.

Apparently, the suspect was masked, but it has still not been conclusively disclosed whether he was armed or not.  Nobody was injured in the incident.  Given the schlubby way that the crime was committed, it would be no surprise to us at the Focopolitan Tribune if the bank robber was planning a shopping trip to Wal-Mart, just two parking lots and a street away from the scene of the crime.  It’s our opinion the he bought the balaclava there, anyway.  Given this guy’s MO, it is our opinion that he’s a top candidate for a “people of War-Mart” meme that you see social media when you’re supposed to be working.  We therefor would like to conclude that given that he’s not exactly Ocean’s Eleven material, this dude’s probably gonna get caught.

All suspects are innocent until they are proven guilty in a court of law.

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