Republican Gubernatorial Candidate: Teachers Aren’t Poorly Paid, Just Badly Married

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In a bizarre Facebook post, dissident Colorado Republican gubernatorial candidate, Warren “Spud” Douglas has taken a position on the recent teacher walkouts and protests that have occurred over the last two months in Colorado and other states. Douglas stated,

“As true Republicans, we should be no friends of government, and we don’t believe that government can do anything as well as the private sector. Our schools are the best example of that. Therefore, if we are going to be ideologically honest with ourselves and our base, the best thing we can do is to de-fund this failing program which does nothing other than squeeze the taxpayer and churn out mediocre human material. Thank God and Doug Bruce for TABOR, which limits the spending of government, including our schools. On top of that, teachers know and have always known what their profession pays, so if teachers tell me they’re poorly paid, I just tell them, ‘You’re not poorly paid, just badly married.’”

We at the Focopolitan Tribune were floored at reading this. We reached Mr. Douglas, and asked him to clarify what he said. We also reminded him that arguably the best time for American public education was in the years following the Soviet Union’s launch of the satellite Sputnik. The launching of that satellite prompted the Republican (yes, Republican!) Eisenhower-administration to pump federal money through the bi-partisan National Defense Education Act into public schools in support of science, technology, engineering and mathematics education. The result was a flourishing of American STEM over the following decade, which culminated in the 1968 moon landing. Douglas responded, “Eisenhower was a traitor to the GOP! He might as well have been our Petain and our Quisling rolled into one! I don’t care what people say happened to public education after the passage of the unconstitutional NDEA. What Ike did was treason to the Republican cause. Oh, yeah and that moon landing was a hoax. I read all about it on the internet, so that kind of nullifies whatever supposed achievement we got from the NDEA.”

Covering the teacher demonstrations at the State Capitol, Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee contacted a professional educator for comment on Mr. Douglas’ declarations, and this is what Kyla Hernandez had to say, “Are you kidding me? First off, I’m not even married, so I can’t be badly married. Besides that, this idea of taking funding away from schools because they’re failing is kind of like taking cops off the street when crime becomes a problem. I’d like to see if that’s gonna happen. What in the hell are these people thinking? If that’s how people are going to keep treating this state’s educators, they’d better expect more walkouts. Goddam, I thought [Governor John] Hickenlooper was bad on education. It just goes to show: nothing is so bad that some asshole of an ideologue can’t possibly make it worse. Geeze, people! Are you really speaking for yourselves or is your politics speaking for you? Do your voters a favor: get your heads out of your ever-loving asses, and think about the people you represent! We’re taxpayers too, and we demand you do better than what you’ve done. Is that too hard to grasp?”

Civil War Reenactors Cause Delays at Denver International Airport

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Dusty Chivington and his wife, Betsy, were on the layover part of their flight. The 17-years married couple, who are civil war re-enactors from Minnesota, were on their way to participate in the annual Festa Confederada, an annual celebration held in Santa Bárbara d’Oeste, Brazil to commemorate and celebrate Southern culture. It is held around April 26, Confederacy Day in the United States.

While the couple had no trouble in their home state, they soon wreaked havoc at the security line at Denver International Airport. The trouble first began with a saber.

A TSA x-ray technician spotted the sword as Dusty placed it on the conveyor belt for the scanner. When asked if it was a weapon, the reply was negative. “It is an historical artifact,” offered Dusty. Skeptical, the official placed a hand on the offending item only to be rebuffed by an emphatic neigh. Dusty’s horse, Binky, standing behind his owner, appeared to be upset.

“Is that real?” was the only response the TSA technician could get out with no one quite knowing whether he was referring to the horse or the saber.

“He’s my emotional support animal,” Dusty explained, “He has to travel with me all the time; I even have a doctor’s note explain’ the situation. He did perfectly fine on the first flight; he’s a good horse and I even clean up after him if need be.” Mr. Chivington showed reporter Buck Hummingbird the industrial sized plastic bags he carries with him at all times just in case Binky has an accident. Also with him was a 50 lb. bag of oats, a bale of hay, and all the gear needed to ride. “It all fits in the overhead compartment,” Dusty proudly offered.

The Denver officials balked at the presence of a horse in the security line but, “They only noticed once me and Binky were waiting in line for the X-ray thingies,” said Dusty.

Meanwhile Betsy was having her own problems with security. True to form, the couple had decided to dress up for the occasion, Dusty in his grey-colored uniform and Betsy in a hoop skirt. Such skirts were not made to easily fit through an airport security scanner and the poor woman became trapped when the sides of the scanner twisted her skirts around her, causing the machine to jam.

Ms. Hummingbird interviewed Betsy through one of the windows as firefighter personnel attempted to free her. “We are quite proud of our heritage. Dusty grew up in Georgia, while my Daddy was from there. When we heard that there was a celebration of Southern culture, complete with barbecue, dancing and hoop skirts, we had to be a part of it, no matter where it is located! It’s my first time traveling outside the United States,” Betsy added.

DIA spokesman, David Bragg, was left speechless. “I really, REALLY don’t know what to say. How the hell did that horse even make it on the first flight?” he muttered to himself.

Other expectant passengers were a little more peeved. “The fuck you bringing a horse on a plane for?” yelled a man dressed in a ‘Hillbilly Treasure’ T-shirt, cut-off jean shorts and flip-flops. “No self-respecting woman should ever dress in that!” another passenger yelled. Extra TSA personnel had to be called to the South terminal screening area as the scanning machine had to be shut-down for extensive repairs and those passengers shuffled into line for the other three.

David Bragg did say one thing, “Criminal charges? Who the hell knows…”

As your reporter found out later, Dusty and Betsy Chivington, along with Binky, made their flight.

 

Boulder Hippies Conscript Native Americans for Help in Moisture Dance

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To help entice Mother Nature in this time of oppressive heat and extreme drought, self-appointed hippies have decided to hold a moisture dance in downtown Boulder near the Pearl Street mall.

Reporter Buck Hummingbird met up with members as they were finishing a rehearsal. Group advisor Summer Tingle explained, “We must be inclusive of all types of precipitation, not just rain, which means this is a moisture dance and not a ‘rain dance,’ okay? Mother Nature needs to know that we aren’t discriminatory because if we use too exclusive of a name, she might not bless us.”

 “Since there isn’t a movement-type of prayer built into Christianity or any of the other monotheistic religions, we had to reach out to the Native American population of Colorado to help us ensure the success of our undertaking. From which deity to make supplications to; to the types of prayers to be uttered; to subtle hand movements, we needed guidance!” intoned Ms. Tingle.

As Ms. Tingle related the group found that guidance from the recently re-introduced Soapstone Prairie Indian Reintroduction Project (see Focopolitan Tribunearticle from May of 2017), which occurred in tandem with the highly successful Soapstone Prairie Bison Reintroduction Project in Larimer County. “We were required to actually drive our hybrids out to Soapstone to do our rehearsals.  The senior naturalists explained that you can’t just let the Indians leave the habitat lest the bison lose their highest-order predators.”

A small committee decided upon choreography and music selection and rehearsals were held at Soapstone until recently. But when it came to the dress rehearsals, the committee decided to move them to Boulder. As dance participant Autumn Beach explained, “We needed to get the feel of Pearl Street. I mean, people walk it everyday but dancing on it is new and so we had to see what we were going to stir up. I was afraid of something untoward reaching through the ether but so far, we have been accepted.”

As for the Native Americans, the committee conscripted them into not only being the directors but also as participants in the main event. During a transition moment, one dancer, identifying himself as Yawing Coyote Pratt, stood off to the side and commented, “Damn if I know what a moisture dance is but I finally get to go shopping! Shit, you have no idea how long I’ve have been waiting for this!” He gleefully eyed the array of merchandise that could be found at the mall.

The dance will be held at the next instance of Mercury and Venus crossing each other. All peace-loving people are invited to observe.

“Even if we have rain before the dance, we will continue the event but as more of a thank-you rather than a plea,” finished Ms. Tingle as participant members collected their belongings and left for their Priuses and bicycles.

Ms. Tingle is also hosting a communal drum-circle after the dance for general healing purposes and as a call for prayer for peace.

Invocation of “White Privilege” Fails to Free Area Man from Arrest

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Last Tuesday night began and ended very differently for two citizens of our beloved city. For officer Karen Miller, the evening began with coffee at a coffee shop on Drake and Lemay for the beginning of her night shift. For CSU student Anthony Wells, it began bar-hopping in Old Town. Wells’ and Miller’s evenings intersected a few minutes before midnight near the Andersonville neighborhood of East Fort Collins. As officer Miller recounted, “We (the police) were called about a car stopped at a green light on the Northbound lane of Lemay Avenue at the intersection of Vine Drive. I turned on the blue lights, and what did I see: A 2010 VW Jetta with the driver asleep at the wheel! A nearby resident told us that a train had been passing on the tracks, and that the driver fell asleep as the train maneuvered. It didn’t take long for us to find out that the subject was clearly what we would call legally drunk- you know, from the booze-stink vomit on the dashboard.”

With the help of backup officers, Miller manhandled the driver whom the officer soon enough identified as being 22-year old Anthony Wells, of Fort Collins, out of his vehicle, cuffing him and placing him in the back of officer Miller’s squad car. What ensued was a surreal and non-sensical rambling of an imbecile that amazingly didn’t get better even after Mr. Wells got sober. As officer Miller recalled, after dropping Mr. Wells off at the Larimer County Jail, “He just kept on mumbling something about white privilege. Well, he’s gonna find out pretty quick in the sneezer that being white doesn’t free you from being drunk… or dumb.”

At a hung-over jailhouse interview, Mr. Wells, who is a student majoring in Ethnic Studies at Colorado State University seethed, “What on earth is this?! I can’t believe it! I got arrested?! This can’t happen-only people of color get arrested! All I did was drink one too many tequilas and shit. This is so unjust! I hereby invoke my Constitutionally-guaranteed right to white privilege! WHITE PRIVILEGE, WHITE PRIVILEGE!” Jail guards quickly subdued him saying, “Save it for the judge.”

After the defendant posted bond, reporter Ludwig Schnee continued the interview with Mr. Wells, offering him an aspirin and some water. “Yeah, totally. I can’t believe the audacity of these police! How dare they arrest me? I’m like totally gonna get a lawyer for my court hearing, and I’m gonna plead not guilty by reason of race. Let’s see a jury convict me! I don’t care if my blood alcohol level was .21. That doesn’t stop me from being a white male- the top of the heap, baby! Oh, say… can you lend me $250 to get my car back? It got towed or something.” Your reporter politely declined.

In other law-enforcement news, the City of Fort Collins has hired Jeffrey Swoboda, who previously worked as chief of police in Elgin, IL, as the new permanent Chief of Police. He will be replacing interim Chief of Police Terry Jones, who previously worked as a comic, best known for his role in the Monty Python comedy troupe. The Focopolitan Tribune was unable to reach Jeffrey Swoboda, but we did reach Mr. Jones. Asked to comment on his looming transition, Jones replied, “And now, for something completely different.” And then he played John Phillip Souza’s “Liberty Bell March.”

ALL SUSPECTS ARE CONSIDERED INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY IN A COURT OF LAW

Boulderites Butt-Hurt Over FoCo Fitness Levels

in Health and Fitness by

By Jollie Thresher, Special Correspondent

It used to be, Boulder was known as the fittest city within the fittest state in the country. Nationwide, people held up Boulder as an example of where the leanest, fastest, best looking and most athletic Coloradoans—and Americans—lived. Boulder claimed to be the birthplace of the running boom in the ’70’s and onward. Boulder’s bikers had the coolest spandex, the most expensive bikes. Sports medicine blossomed there. From mountaineering to the CU Buffs, from Zumba to triathlons to the Paleo Diet, Boulder was the fitness capital of our state, our nation!! Salaaaaaaam!!!!!

That has changed, as your correspondent learned in a surprise encounter recently on the Poudre Trail. It was a sunny Saturday morning. I was amazed at the sheer numbers of endorphin-crazed individuals coming and going, on bikes, running, racewalking, swilling sports fluids, all with earphones in place. I swerved to avoid a young female pushing a stroller and attempting to disentangle her feet from her dog’s leash, and crashed into a biker on a Pinarella Dogma F10-Dura-Ace bike, who knocked me over and escaped a concussion due to his Bambino Pro-Aero helmet. He was wearing a jersey that said THE BADDER, THE BOULDER! MILE-HIGH IS FOR SISSIES and he was not happy.
“Watch it, lady!” he screamed.
Overlooking the anti-female slur, I got up and pointed in the direction of the stroller-pusher.
“Jeez!! You FoCo guys are just not focused! I’m TRAINING here,” he said, as if that explained everything, including his attitude. “In Boulder, this wouldn’t have happened!”
“You’re from Boulder? Do you have a minute to talk?”
“Yeh, but not more.” This was going to be a quick interview, but I sensed a lot of potential.

“So what brings you to Ft. Collins?”
“I heard everybody here has been kicking ass, athletically speaking. I wanted to have a look. We’re not gonna let you get ahead of us, no way!! Boulder is the fittest place in the world and we’re gonna keep it that way! We exercise five hours a day on average, we eat only non-GMO, vegetarian, gluten-free, diary-free food. We buy our sports gear from women-owned, free-trade, certifiably diverse companies. We can’t be elbowed out by a cow town! Money Magazine is showing up in a couple of weeks, and Boulder has to stay in first place!”
“You sound like a really competitive person,” I remarked.
“Better believe it! We are the fastest, the fittest, and you cowpokes think you can imitate us! Admit it, you’re a bunch of Boulder wanna-be’s. And look at that guy over there, he’s actually fat!” He pointed to a nearby farm field, where a husky Hispanic-looking guy was digging onions as part of a work crew. He waved cordially at us.
“Um, I’m not sure he’s a Ft. Collins native,” was all I could think of to say.
“Well, if you want Ft. Collins to get the Fittest City USA vote, he better get on board,” said the biker. Before I could get his name, he jumped back on his F10 and pedaled away.

Obviously, Fort Collins has made so much fitness progress in recent years that Boulder is quickly moving from the Mecca to the Medina of fitness. Focopolitans are always training for something: the Colorado Marathon, the Horsetooth Half, the Quad Rock, etc. Of course, many Focopolitans are doing much, much more: the Leadville Hundred, the Hawaii Ironman, the Death Valley Ultra, Extreme heli-skiing, or preparing to scale Everest. In Fort Collins, completing a simple marathon, 26.2 miles, is “for wimps.” Apparently, such a gung-ho athleticism is causing nervousness in Boulder. We’ll keep you posted.

Meanwhile, the guy out digging onions actually lives in Ft. Collins, but had little to offer when I approached him on the subject of fitness. There was something of a language barrier, but from what I understood, his opinion was, “I’m just trying to earn a living. I don’t give a fuck.”

Politically Correct Electrician Short-Circuits Building with Transgender Electrical Plug

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All efforts for inclusion come with risks and push backs.  Such was the case with the civil rights movement, feminism and the revision of gender pronouns.  Boulder electrician Hertzl Volt found a very practical way to get multi-gender equality out of Academia and into the trades.  He devised the transgender plug.  Volt, who was born a male and identifies as such, went to great lengths to show that even though he is cis-gendered, Caucasian and heterosexual, he is in fact an ally of the trans community and their advocate, saying, “We’re all familiar with the male bit, which has a protruding probe, and the female bit, the receptacle (see photo).  What we, in the field of Progressive, Politically Correct Electrical Installation have now come to accept, include and advocate for is the transgender adapter.”  Volt then displayed a kludgy mess of exposed copper, melted plastic and shoddy soldering, which reeked suspiciously of a recent fire.  “I personally provided the gender re-assignment for this bit.”

Volt’s effort of bringing political correctness out of Academia and into practice is the culmination of a life in both universities and trade schools.  “I double-majored in Lesbian Latina Cross-Sectionality in Modern Cinema and Gender Studies back in Berkeley, but that didn’t float my boat after I graduated Cum Laude.” He then described a year of placard-waving and ranting about social justice and gender/racial/ethnic/linguistic equality, but not much fulfillment. “So then I went to trade school to become an electrician. I have gotten this wonderful cross-specialization that prepared me to bring social justice to the world within my trade, and not just rant on and on about stuff. That said I’m in a real niche market and not too many contractors were too thrilled with my idea of a transgender electrical adapter, but I got one job: the re-wiring of the CU Boulder Office of Diversity, Equality and Community Engagement. They were so thrilled with my idea that they even bypassed the facilities folks and I got the contract.”

When confronted with the fact that his new electrical outlet has so far done nothing but short-circuit a whole building, and cause a minor fire, Hertzl Volt brought up a valid point, “Every time a radical new idea is put in action, reactionaries criticize it. Look at what happened when women first advocated for the vote. Look at what happened when slaves were first freed. Everyone said that it would be the end of things, but here we still are. I talked to the vice president for diversity issues, and he told me that regardless of anything, they will not discriminate against any transgender being, including my plug, and I’m holding xim to it.”

In other news, the Boulder City Council is considering a diversity bill to encourage the use of trans-fat at Pearl Street eateries and ban the use of the word “tranny fluid” in the auto-shop lexicon due to its inherently discriminatory flavor.

Developer, Environmental Group Join Forces in Plan to Drain Horsetooth Reservoir

in Business and Economics/Environment by

In a move that raised eyebrows throughout Colorado, the radical environmental group “Save The River Or Else!” and multi-millionaire real estate developer Neville Barns-Wallace joined forces and voices in a press release announcing a proposal to drain Horsetooth Reservoir. In the newly-vacated area, Barns-Wallace’s development group, Upkeep, Inc., would build the planned low-income housing subdivisions known as New Stout, Highball and Tallboy. The joint press release stated, “Draining this outdated dinosaur of a water-retention system will solve multiple problems that we face in Northern Colorado. Firstly, an estimated 1000+ acres of land will be opened for development right next to the saturated communities of Fort Collins and Loveland; that land will be utilized for affordable housing for a growing area. The consequence of that will be a dramatic reduction in home costs to a beleaguered Northern Colorado. Besides that, we will finally and decisively save the Cache la Poudre River from being drained into oblivion. That will re-invigorate our wildlife and fisheries and restore the Poudre watershed and ecosystem almost to what it was before white settlement. There is absolutely no downside to this! We are so proud of the fact that two sides as different as ours sat down to hash out this ambitious plan.”

As we at the Focopolitan Tribune see it, this is truly a testament to the power of compromise, dialogue and communication across ideological lines and diverging interests. (If only our politicians could pull that off…) Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee contacted “Save The River Or Else!” spokeswoman Fern Greene. In a brief exchange, Greene talked of the group’s motivation in the proposed project. “We REALLY want to save the river, and we’re willing to put our money where our mouths are. When we hear other people talking about how they’re against the Northern Integrated Supply Project, we cringe. How can you oppose NISP, but favor Horsetooth? You either go big or go home, baby! Let’s not have double standards.”

Barns-Wallace, for his part explained the what and the how of his part in the proposed plan. “First off, I looked at a map of Fort Collins and I just couldn’t find a decent place to build, but the other night, I was watching TCM, and I saw [the 1955 film] The Dambusters. The idea came to me like the flash of a lightbulb. As I recall, I even shouted out, ‘Eureka!’ Why not drain the reservoir, which is good for nothing other than boating, and build housing in the newly-opened area? This is how I propose we do it: we’re gonna sink a hundred tons of high explosive in a shaped charge to the bottom of the North side dam and voila! Problem solved. That way, it won’t take as long as just letting the water out gradually via that dinky little canal, and we can get to work on the project faster. After that, it’s all build, baby, build!”

Neither side was particularly clear about the issue of water supply for the new community, and for that matter the city of Fort Collins. County commissioners were flabbergasted over the proposal. When county commissioner Tom Donnelly questioned Barns-Wallace over the problem of where water would come from, Barns-Wallace replied, “From the faucet…duh.”

NGO Addresses “Beer Deserts” in Blighted Northern Colorado

in Business and Economics/Local Flavor by
We have all heard of “food deserts”, spots where healthy, nutritious food choices are unavailable. But hardly any attention is given to the equally serious matter of beer deserts—whole streets or neighborhoods where no craft breweries, no bars, no liquor stores, exist at all.  Sadly, the nearby community of Loveland, Colorado is no stranger to this heartbreaking phenomenon.
Focopolitan Tribune reporter, Jollie Thresher, spoke to a trapped resident in a particularly blighted suburb in western Loveland. “I am forced to drive my Volt for miles to find a decent brew,” avowed Tyler Kaluptchik, standing in the yard of his 5-bedroom, 4-bathroom Cape Cod style home. “The concentration of beer gardens and breweries in certain privileged areas of Northern Colorado is just unfair.  This is just another manifestation of systemic discrimination against the geographically dispossessed.  Why didn’t the city planners think of this when they approved this development?”
In fact, Mr. Kaluptchik’s situation is grave indeed. The only beer within a 7-mile radius of his home is the 3.2% variety found at convenience stores near the interstate-a choice of two mass-produced, un-hoppy, generic types of tipple. “I don’t care if both my options [of bad beer] are brewed in Colorado.  It’s all horse piss!  Shit, you gotta drink at least a six-pack to even get a buzz!” said Kaluptchik.  “We live in a void of beer-diversity.  To give you an idea, there are 61 microbreweries in Denver, about a dozen in Boulder, 21 in Fort Collins.  We only have eight here in Loveland!  Even cowtown USA, Greeley has more than we do.  We have so few, we’re the beer orphans of Colorado.  In my side of Loveland, we’re completely surrounded by no beer!” He exclaimed, his voice quivering, fighting to keep from shedding tears.
The Sudsgoode Foundation, a 501(3)c non-profit, is stepping in to alleviate this calamity. They are increasing the focus on such beer-impoverished areas and lobbying the Loveland City Council to include one craft-brewer permit per new residential development, beginning next year. “Beer in Colorado is a fundamental right for all citizens,” stated Amy Roote-Bachuss, a spokesperson. “We can no longer tolerate the beer anxiety that plagues the forgotten communities of Northern Colorado. And just imagine the fuel we could save, if all our citizens lived within walking distance of a brewery! Land Rovers, Hummers and Lexuses use a lot of gas!”
Another effort sponsored by the Sudsgoode Foundation is the Beer Bank, a volunteer-led effort featuring a visit by truck of one of the Fort Collins breweries. This allows residents of beer deserts to come out and purchase enough beer to get them through the few days it takes for the truck to do its next run—though the Foundation sees this as a mere stopgap. “Carrying out these ideas costs money,” Roote-Bachuss added. “We are always fundraising, and welcome your donations. We will send all donors free return-address labels with pictures of pints on them.”
Aspiring city councilman, Bob Silverton, is sympathetic to the plight of the beer-less of Loveland. Hoping to run on a platform of “Land, Peace, Beer,” Mr. Silverton proposed, “I am willing to sacrifice for the city of Loveland to address this problem. I would propose a small ‘Beer Improvement Fee’ in the city tax code to help boost interest amongst entrepreneurs, who would get city block-grants for the purpose of opening brew pubs… come to think of it, maybe I should apply.”

Science Denial Conference Ends in Riot

in Local Flavor/Politics by

At a conference of science deniers last weekend, hosted by no less an institution than the Colorado School of Mines, representatives from CU Boulder’s Gender Science Department and Colorado Springs College of the Bible’s Geology Department literally came to blows over what subjects to exclude, and which to include, under the greater body of knowledge of Science.  While each touted pre-dispositions of ideology as taking primacy over verifiable truth, both sides paid lip-service to the scientific method, but only in support of their pre-ordained notions.

Gender vapid spokeshuman for CU Boulder’s Gender Science Department Dr. Wagglesnicks, commented, “Gender is nothing more than a social construct created by an oppressive white-supremacist capitalist patriarchy!  I don’t care what DNA says, we at CU have recognized no less than 72 different genders, and any person can flow from one to any one OR MORE of the others at any time, for any reason, including no reason at all.  However, we assert that a preponderance of evidence in the geological as well as the biological record shows that the earth is some 2.6 billion years old, and that we evolved from single-celled organism to apes over the course of hundreds of thousands of years and then evolved into homo sapiens like you and xus [a form of the second-person plural pronoun]. Anyone who disagrees with that assertion is at best a fool, and at worst, a nefarious peddler of pseudo science.”

After Dr. Wagglesnicks’ fiery opening statement, the spokesman for Colorado Springs College of the Bible, Reverend Cleatus Crowley angrily declared, “Don’t y’all call me no homo!  I’m not like you; I read Leviticus and I obey it!  As for this nonsense of the earth being 2.6 million years old, now THAT’S a bunch of baloney.  How do I know?  It’s in the Bible!  God said it, and God doesn’t lie.  Here are some truths that I can tell you: we’re just short of 6000 years old, God made the Earth in six days, and He made man from mud.  Then, he made woman from Adam’s rib.  That’s why men have one rib fewer than women.  Now THAT’S valid science.  As for this gender nonsense…well, it’s just nonsense.  Be a man or be a woman, and that’s it.  Just ask a police detective when there’s DNA at a crime scene, the first thing they tell you is whether it’s from a man or a woman.”

At this exchange, Wagglesnicks retorted even more angrily, “Homo sapiens is binomial nomenclature for human being- a basic term of biological categorization! And, when police collect DNA evidence from crime scenes, and they tell you that it’s a male or a female, they’re not using basic terms of categorization, they’re acting from unconscious bias that we at the Gender Science Department categorically denounce and repudiate. Anyone who disagrees with us is an oppressive member of the fascist patriarchy which has asserted its power to keep down the disadvantaged and marginalized.”

At this point, witnesses describe a descent into violence atypical for the School of Mines campus.  While it is unclear who started it, fists flew as did chairs.  After extensive hurling of insults and missiles, campus security was called in.  Amid loud chants of, “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!” in reference to TV personality and talk show host Jerry Springer by amused students and passersby, the fracas was finally disentangled and arrests were made.

The Focopolitan Tribune managed to contact a spokesman for the Colorado School of Mines.  Dr. Farouk Ikani had the following to say, “How in God’s good name did we ever give these people permission to have their ridiculous conference here?  This is a SCIENCE college, not a battleground for the ideologically possessed!  Both sides need to spend their time in the can and get some sense kicked into them!  To the CU fuckwits out there: you’re born with a gender.  If you don’t like it, fine!  Choose the other gender, and maybe get a sex-change operation.  Then be happy with it, but don’t go around telling me that there are 72 different gender pronouns and you can turn from one into another and then feel insulted when I call you by the wrong one!  As for you religious nut jobs, get your heads out of your ever-loving asses.  I thought I saw the worst of you at the Creation Museum in Kentucky! Both of you need to realize this: Science is real, and you approach it by studying the evidence and then coming to a conclusion, not the other way around. Instead what you’re both doing is having your ideology possess you, instead of you possessing your ideology!”

Reverend Crowley and Dr. Wagglesnicks, among others, are currently being held at the Jefferson County jail on multiple counts ranging from: battery, disturbing the peace, assault, reckless endangerment, and others.  Reverend Crowley is in the men’s ward, and it is unclear where Dr. Wagglesnicks is as officials are debating where to house xim [the third-person singular].

Local Shaman Explains Increase in Bald Eagle Population

in Environment by

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

——by Special Correspondent Jollie Thresher

In response to a recent article in The Fort Collins Coloradoan noting a marked increase in the local bald eagle population, The Focopolitan Tribune consulted several experts as to why this phenomenon might be happening. The Wildlife Biology Department at CSU had no firm answer, “Probably people are leaving their trash cans uncovered, and they smell food. Then they come knock ‘em over and—uh, whoops, that’s the bears. Try the guys in Avian Science.”

Dissatisfied, I travelled to the remote corners of Larimer County, to consult with Yawning Coyote Pratt, who has been working with a colleague, the noted Native American shaman and animal whisperer Swelling Milk, there to help him with the bison crisis reported in an earlier issue. Ms. Milk’s highly specialized work includes not only talking to various species of animals and birds, but mediating when conflicting human / animal issues arise. “She’s the best,” Yawning Coyote assured. “She got those bison together and explained there’s just too goddamn many of ‘em up here now at Soapstone Prairie. Convinced a lot of ‘em to head on up to Wyoming. Man, saved me hours with the bow and arrow!”
Incredulous, I asked Swelling Milk to explain her technique before we touched on the subject of bald eagles.
“I don’t do domestic animals,” was her first comment. “They actually communicate better with humans, having lost their wild vocabulary. They say the dumbest stuff, like ‘Ruining carpets rocks!’ or they want to gossip about their owners’ secretly drinking or jerking off. Or worse yet, ‘Polly. Wants. A. Cracker!’ Ugh. No, I deal only with wild species.”

As to why the bald eagles are settling in Fort Collins, Swelling Milk had the following to say. “Very simple,” she said. “The word is out in the eagle community. Fort Collins is an accepting town. For a long time it was all about the Canada geese, but not any more. Here prairie dogs feel at home, squirrels, iguanas, you name it. Here there is far more species inclusiveness than most places. The conservationists want to take credit, but it’s more about the progressive atmosphere of the town. Plus, the eagles read the signs.” I assumed Swelling Milk was referring to some eagle type of inner ‘spirituality’, but no. “The signs, of course, those signs all over Fort Collins,” she said. “Eagles can read eagle alphabet. One of the languages on those signs that say WE ARE FORT COLLINS is very close to eagle scratches. They saw it and decided, why not?”

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