It was an utter surprise to all attendees of the Fort Collins Book Festival when conservative Republican author Pat Buchanan crashed the party. With a theme of “Food For Thought” this was an unusual event for Mr. Buchanan too, who up to now has not been known for being a foodie. “This festival is great! I thought it was going to be just pure mudslinging at me, but folks here really gave me a warm welcome,” commented Mr. Buchanan.
One of the Book Festival’s organizers, Tracy Echevarria-Smith granted your reporter a few precious moments of her time on this busy weekend. She had this to say about Mr. Buchanan, “First off, we’ve been criticized for having the same authors, the same ideas and basically the same show every year. When Pat Buchanan essentially invited himself here, we were overjoyed. Second, we have a really diverse group racially; we have a Native American chef, a Latina, an African American woman and all sorts of folks from disadvantaged and/or minority groups talking about what food means to them. This may be a racially diverse group, but let’s face it: we all think alike, we all vote alike and we’re all progressive. Having Pat speak makes us inclusive, in more ways than just race. Not only that, but here’s the real advantage: it makes our foodie fest original. We’ve seen and heard all the organic-local-fair trade people have to show and say. Let’s hear what other people have to say. Pat’s gonna be talking about big ag- the unignorable food provider without which we would mostly starve. Let’s see people in Boulder top that for inclusiveness! So, we don’t fall in love with Archer Daniels Midland or Monsanto, but are you really gonna tell me that these people who have done more to save Africa [agribusiness] from starvation than 1000 Bonos [referring to the lead singer of U2 who is also known as Paul Hewson] are evil? Well, that’s what all the food pharisees at Whole Foods would have you believe. Not just that, but don’t you want to hear what a white, rich, Christian man has to say for once?”
To our utter surprise, Pat Buchanan granted your reporter Ludwig Schnee a brief comment! “Oh, I’ll tell you, I LOVE agribusiness. It’s the most efficient form of growing food.” When your reporter politely told Mr. Buchanan that it takes roughly 13 pounds of grain to produce one pound of beef, and that it took some 100 gallons of water to produce one pound of feed, and that lots of efficiency is lost in the process, Mr. Buchanan retorted, “Meat is therefore the best, most effective way to eat vegetables and keep hydrated.” he added, “You eat cows, and what do cows eat? Vegetables! It’s like you’re going vegan, just more efficiently. You know what else? Fried meat is good for your heart so long as you fry it in vegetable oil. Okay, I gotta go. All this food talk and these books made me want to write.” Asked what his book was going to be about, the Republican author replied, “It’s title is going to be Agribusiness: It Sucks Less Than You Think.”