City to Include Criminals on Police Oversight Board

in Local Flavor/Politics by

After a long year full of racial, social and political violence and increased calls for police accountability throughout the United States, the City of Fort Collins has conceived a groundbreaking idea: a committee to oversee the police which is to include criminals.

We reached FCPS spokeswoman Betty Humpter for comment.  She had this to say, “Our community is about inclusivity and diversity, isn’t it?  If we’re gonna have oversight of our police, we need to include a more diverse board; not only do we want a racially diverse board, but we want it socially inclusive too.  That’s why we’ve invited a whole cross-section of FoCo criminality, from burglars, to murderers, to the more run-of-the-mill drug traffickers and fraudsters.  The only people we don’t have here is child molesters, ’cause even the ordinary, decent scumbags can’t stand a chi-mo.”  When asked about the controversial move to get input from criminals on policing matters, she replied, “How can you have policing without criminals?  It’s kind of like having an economy without consumers or football without the pigskin, isn’t it?  Not only that, but isn’t it criminals most affected by our boys and gals in blue?  It’s about time their voices should be heard.  When we say that we’re about inclusion and diversity, we don’t just mean it, we put our taxpayers’ money where our mouths are.”

Area criminal “D-dawgg” (he declined to reveal his real name) gave his two cents worth of a comment, “Yeah, I can’t wait to get outta da slammer at least for a couple hours.  They offer free pizza, and shit.  Uuuhhh… yeah, the cops should go easy on us… you know, discourage homeowners from using cameras, not setting up neighborhood watch and shit, and letting us do our deal.  We just wanna make a living and shit.”

We contacted Fort Collins Police Commissar, Geoffrey Freedom, and he had the following to say, “100% of our officers are on-board with this.”  He went on, “We at FCPS [Fort Collins Police Services] welcome more equitable interactions with those who keep us in a job.  99 times out of 100 our interactions with criminals involves handcuffs on them, a tasing, and on occasion, a good, old-fashioned beat-down, so a dialogue would be a welcome change in interaction.  We can’t wait to hear what criminals have to tell us about how to do our job.”

Applications at the Larimer County Jail have been pouring in, and selection has been hampered by an overwhelming sense of civic duty on the part of our beloved criminal members of our community.  We at the Focopolitan Tribune think that this is yet another wonderful idea in the greater police reform movement.  We also think that nothing can go wrong with this well-intentioned social experiment.

Op. Ed.: Wildlands Fires is All We F***ing Need!

in Environment/Local Flavor by

Colorado has had a very hard time lately.  We have seen a plandemic, police slayings of black men in custody, race riots, calls to de-fund the police and (surprise, surprise) a growing wave of run-of-the-mill crime.  As a result of the pandemic, we are also seeing a full one-third drop in our GDP, and a resulting start of an asset bubble that can only go CABOOM some time in the not-too-distant future.  As if all that weren’t enough, we’re also having a presidential campaign that would make Jerry Springer look like William F. Buckley.  Let me ask the readers of this august newspaper the following question: what would be the cherry on top of this warm, nasty, diarreah-shit sundae?

Enter fire season!  Like your asshole uncle at Thanksgiving Dinner showing up shit-faced drunk with his attitude, fire season has arrived to fuck with our lives when we least need it.  For five months and counting, Coloradans have not had any good reason to leave home, and now there is even less.  If being unemployed, broke, disappointed at our own communities and country were not enough for us not to get out and about, we now risk choking on soot and smoke!

All this shit has made us at the Trib think: we’ve got the cherry on top of this turd sundae.  All we need now is another mass shooting, and it’ll be complete with sprinkles on top.

Cheyenne Prepares for Second Wave With Opening of Big New Cemetery

in Health and Fitness/Politics by

Yesterday, at a press conference, spokesman for the city of Cheyenne Jamal Abdul-Rahman announced to an anxious Wyoming press corps his office’s plans for pre-emption of the impending Second Wave of the Kung-flu.  The bug, which has reportedly parted one hundred thousand Americans from their meat suits, has prompted states and municipalities to hustle.

“Our office has re-purposed various previously unused lots of land as a repository of mortal remains.  If there is one thing we have LOTS of in Cheyenne… heck, the whole state of Wyoming, it’s land.  Therefore, it behooves us to face this deadly bug with the greatest asset at our disposal.  Speaking of disposal, here in Cheyenne we foresee no difficulty whatsoever in disposal of our more unfortunate citizens who have kicked their air addictions.”  Mr. Abdul-Rahman continued, “What’s more is this: our approach to dealing with this problem will drastically reduce our long-term medical costs because the Kung-flu attacks the very people that most deplete our expensive health system: aging boomers.  Do you know how much it costs to keep these beings alive?  Can you see the savings?  We WELCOME the future.  As a matter of fact, it appears that the dude in charge at 1600 Pennsylvania might just be following our lead on that, so we take credit for that!”

We at the Focopolitan Tribune would like to add that there is a multiplier effect to such public policies.  Mr. Abdul-Rahman forgot to mention that multiple people will end up employed as a result, including: grave diggers, florists, greeting card manufacturers, undertakers, hearse drivers, car dealers that sell hearses, headstone cutters and religious celebrants.  This might just be the model for a new New Deal.

Protests in Boulder Subside as Alfalfa’s Announces Sale on Organics

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This last weekend, Boulder residents joined other outraged Americans in taking to the streets to protest the killing of yet another unarmed African-American- this time at the hands of Minneapolis Police officers.  Taking banners, signs and the righteous rage in their hearts, these virtue-signaling citizens of the Boulder People’s Republic converged on the Boulder Police Department’s building at 33rd and Arapahoe.  They took the bus, carpooled as best they could, parked their hybrids and bicycles wherever they could, and some even walked because the environment can’t be ignored, even during pandemics and times of racial tension. Protestors even donned masks and showed respect for social distancing requirements.

The composition of the crowd could best be described as consisting of only a few people of color, with trustafairans slightly over-represented.  As cries of “Black Lives Matter!” “Hands up don’t shoot!” and something like, “This is what hypocrisy looks like!” got a little out of hand, a mass text hit the people of Boulder, including the protesters.  “Grand sale of organics at Alfalfa’s!  Limited time!”  Apparently, that was all it took for the protest to run out of puff.

Reporter Ludwig Schnee caught up with a blonde, dread-locked 20-something hippy chick who declined to share her name, “Yeah, black lives matter, but 50% off of organic, fair trade, locally fermented Argentine kombucha?  I think I’m going to Alfalfa’s.  It’s only like a mile away.”  Karen Kretschmer, 59, of Eldorado Springs, also granted us a word, “I support the Black Lives Matter movement, but I also support local business, and the vegetarian bulger and bean porridge [at Alfalfa’s] is to die for!  And the wheatgrass lemonade too.  Oh, and my iPhone tells me that they got a discount on patchouli that only lasts ’till 6PM.  I gotta go.”

As everyone left, recycling their signs, they left behind one man, Letravious Martin. “Where the fuck did everybody go? I mean this is important!”

Stimulus Checks Bounce

in Business and Economics/Politics by
US Treasury stimulus check examples

At his suburban Fort Collins home, area resident Larry Mason drops his jaw as he checks his mail.  Opening an envelope indicating an ‘Insufficient Funds’ notice he says “What?  (…) How did that happen?”  While an insufficient funds notification is nothing particularly new, what makes this matter noteworthy is where the check came from and who wrote it.

The check in question was a stimulus check.  It was emitted by no less than the United States Treasury with the name Donald J. Trump somewhere on the bottom left.  “What the…? How can that even happen?  How’s that even work?  It don’t get no lower than that!  I ain’t paying no $12 fee.  No way, Jose!”

Mr. Mason is not alone in getting bouncy checks from the Unites States Treasury.  Alejandro Medina, also of Fort Collins got one too.  “I got an ISF notification from my bank online.  When I looked, it was the stimulus check!  What da fuck?!”

Your reporter took a deeper look into this matter, by doing what Bob Woodward did back in 1973-74.  The Focopolitan Tribune ‘followed the money.’  To our utter astonishment, we have concluded that our government spends more money than it takes in!  So we called the United States Treasury in Washington, DC, and this is what a phone bank secretary told us, “What?  We sent y’all a bounced check?  Oopsie daisy!  Let me call Karen in accounting and she can get this sorted out.”

Something tells us that things will be just fine… especially since there’s the name of a guy on those checks who’s been bankrupt no less than six times!


City Planning Employees Hone Skills with SimCity amid Corona Furloughs

in Health and Fitness/Local Flavor/Politics by

The Coronavirus Pandemic has caused much disruption in Northern Colorado as everywhere.  With layoffs and furloughs everywhere, not only are people finding themselves unemployed, our more skilled workers are also faced with the following dilemma regarding their skills: if you don’t use it, you lose it.  But not so with one Northern Colorado town…

At his upscale home near the Ptarmigan golf course, Deputy-Assistant-Vice-President for City Planning and Management for the town of Windsor, Mohammed Smith, bides his time.  Speaking from his patio couch, Mr. Smith granted your reporter, Ludwig Schnee an interview.  “Truth is, there just isn’t much we can do right now in the real world.” He went on, “But we can’t just let ourselves get soft.  We have vital skills that we can’t let go by the wayside. We gotta practice.  That’s why I play SimCity.”  The town of Windsor employee referred to the 1989 computer game made for the Commodore 66.  He went on, “It’s EXACTLY the same thing as my actual job.  It involves zoning, taxation, managing a city within a budget, electric grids, roads, rail lines, policing, crime, housing… and the occasional disaster!  I’m telling you, it’s just like managing a real city… and I can do that from the comfort of my own couch!”

Disturbed by the flippant overlooking of a critical factor, your reported inquired about the most critical thing of all in managing a city: the human factor- citizens, city councils, county commissioners, cops, workers, et al…

“Naaah!  No problem there.  If SimCity doesn’t have that problem factored in, then reality won’t either.  Simple as that.”  He changed the subject,  “It’s too bad I can’t get paid to play this game… err… keep my skills honed during this pandemic, but maybe the city might come up with some Donald Trump dough for me… and maybe my family too.”


in Health and Fitness by

The 1st Annual Pandemic Award, a joint effort put together by the World Health Organization (WHO) and the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), overwhelmingly voted for the new coronavirus as its inaugural winner.

Fort Collins was honored as the first town in the United States to hold such an event. Mainly because, “Well, they [the CDC] does research here in town for, like, diseases,” replied the janitor of the facility Dale Humperdinck. He was the only person on the premises when you’re intrepid reporter showed up before the big event. “Only place outside of Georgia!”

That night, the virus wearing a risqué dress and N95 mask to match, gratefully accepted the Double Helix statuette to a nearly empty house. Those in attendance were sitting at least 6 feet apart dressed in Hazmat suits, following accepted WHO and CDC guidelines for infectious diseases.

“This means so much to me,” gushed the virus. “I mean I’m so new and to be given this award….just shows you what hard work can do!”

As the virus continued, it had to continually use the hem of its dress to wipe away tears of joy. “I would’ve thought Ebola or another viral hemorrhagic fever would be first. Hell, even bubonic plague probably would’ve topped the list. But little, ole me? You guys are great! To be so new and so honored in this fashion. Thank you, thank you!”

Outside the venue anti-anti-activists were waiting to congratulate the recipient.

“I mean, Mother Nature is just healing itself right now. It’s amazing!” gushed one young man in dreadlocks and a tie-dyed shirt. “It was able to do what we have spent years protesting about. Oh, gotta go join the drum circle.”

And with that your intrepid reporter watched as anti-anti-activists joined for a rousing chorus of Kumbaya within a drum circle instituted by a group that, individually, drove up from Boulder.

Campus Area Businesses Quietly Lobby Government for Continued Student Loans

in Business and Economics by

It came in the dark of night, discreetly and quietly, around 2AM on a cold Northen Colorado Tuesday: a white Gulfstream private jet.  I couldn’t make out its callsign.  It’s destination: Washington, DC.  The passengers: Fort Collins campus-area business owners and developers.  Their purpose: to persuade congress to provide students with continued student loans.

Your intrepid reporter could sense something was afoot at a normally sleepy Northern Colorado Regional Airport (NCRAP).  Seeing so many representatives of our local economy awaiting a private jet at that ungodly hour led me to ask… and they told me, albeit on condition of anonymity.  “We just want to tell our friends in Congress to keep on keepin’ on!” said an area businessman.  “The area around CSU campus is experiencing an economic boom.  It’s safe to say, we have a secular bull market here.  What we’re going to DC for is first off to give them a hearty thanks!  Second, we want let ’em know that we’re rollin’ in dough from these student loans, and for them to keep on  ‘makin’ it rain,’ if you know what I mean.”

A developer added, “How do you think we’re gonna pay for the construction loans that we have up the yin-yang?  I’ll tell you: we’re not!  THEY’RE gonna.”  I asked him who ‘they’ were.  “The students!  I’m so glad they’re as financially illiterate as they are, ’cause if they weren’t, I couldn’t make the payments on my construction loans.  Come to think of it, I couldn’t make payments on my Porsche or my second home either!”  When I asked him to clarify what he meant, he replied with unusual candor, “What do you think these broke-ass 18-year olds pay their rent with?  Their piss-ant $10-an-hour jobs?  They pay rent with their student loans.  You see, we’re really pro-education here.”

The plane arrived and didn’t even shut down its engines.  A ramp went down, and in went the group of business leaders.  I thought I’d give the other side of the story: that of students.  A visit to Ink Inc, a local tattoo parlor proved revealing.  Freshman Mindy Roedenbacher agreed to an interview.  “Yeah, I got Student Loans.  It’s like, an investment in my future and stuff.  I’m putting my tattoo on my loans, ’cause YOLO!  Besides, it’s gonna be a part of me forever, like my college experience.  I think I’m gonna put my next flirtini on it too, ’cause you know… YOLO!”  She concluded, “No, I’m not worried about it, ’cause you know, I’m gonna like… get a really high-paying career with my Gender Studies degree… and if I like it, I might even get a Masters.”

We at the Focopolitan Tribune see NO problem whatsoever with student loans.  They have provided our town with a virtual third wheel in our economy.  They finance everything from tattoos, to meals, to rent, flirtinis, beer, ganja AND a good education for our student community.  There really is no visible downside to them.  Dear Washington and students, MAKE IT RAIN!  Fort Collins’ economy needs you!

State, City, County Riot Police Mobilized for Montava Community Meeting; National Guard Held in Reserve

in Business and Economics/Local Flavor by

After repeated cancellations, delays and enough insipid excuses to make the board look like a bi-polar girlfriend who lost her lithium, yet another meeting for community input on the new Montava housing development is scheduled.  Given the controversy that the proposed new housing development has caused, meeting planners are taking no chances.

“We’re pulling out all the stops,” Ben Dover, project spokesman told Focopolitan Tribune reporters, “to show that the safety  of everyone attending the meeting is paramount. So no, we are not going overboard. In fact, we might just be underestimating things.”

So what does pulling out all the stops mean?  A task force of riot police from the city of Fort Collins and Loveland, Larimer and Weld counties, and the state police will be setting up the event. “I talked to governor Polis, and he’ll be putting the National Guard on alert, so they’ll be in the barracks, until such time as they’re needed.  These Country Club Road residents are royally pissed.”

To recap: the Montava development seeks to develop some 900 acres of agricultural land near the Budweiser plant.  This will cause massively increased traffic in Ft. Collins’ Northeast corridor.  Meetings over this matter have gone from Methodist post-sermon coffee and fellowship to Jerry Springer-like behavior over the space of mere months.

A resident of Country Club Road, Celeste Krieger, spoke with your reporters about the development. “I paid $950,000 dollars for my little 3500-square foot shack and I can barely leave my driveway as it is! Now you want to build more stuff and house poor people where they have to drive their hoopties past our houses? I’ll have to use my husband’s helicopter to leave the house; that’s not fair when all I want to use is the Rolls!” she wept. “This is war!  We’re on!”

With more people moving to FoCo and housing as tight as it is, we find it self evident that building more housing, particularly for our lower income residents is paramount.  That said, the interests of the residents of Country Club Road must be heard and taken into consideration.  After all, they were there first.  We call upon citizens’ civility, but just for caution’s sake, if you don’t live in the are, avoid these meetings like you would avoid a riot.

Elvis Disguised as Sasquatch Behind Mystery Drone Flights

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Over the past three weeks, Eastern Colorado and Western Nebraska have been dogged by flights of mysterious drones.  It was unclear what exactly they were doing or why they were flying where they were flying.  That is, until The Focopolitan Tribune investigated.

A cursory look at a random drone over Julesburg, and a noting of the frequency of the drone led your reporter Ludwig Schnee to hone in on the signal only to find a small shed.  Thinking it might be a Unabomber-type scenario, your reporter opened the ramshackle gate of the place.  There, I encountered what I can only describe as a large, hairy, stinky beast.  Startled, I dropped my jaw and said, “Bigfoot?!”  At that point, the hideous creature took its mask off revealing itself to be none other than… Elvis Presley, “The King” himself!

Flabbergasted, I could hardly believe my eyes, so I had him sing “Love Me Tender.”  If I couldn’t believe my eyes, I could believe my ears.  It was Elvis.  For the next two hours, we just hung out and talked music, but as a professional journalist, I just had to ask him one question, “Why are you dressed up as a sasquatch and flying drones here in Colorado?”

“Lookin’ for Jimmy Hoffa’s body. Jesus said it be around here somewheres.”


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