Science Denial Conference Ends in Riot

in Local Flavor/Politics by

At a conference of science deniers last weekend, hosted by no less an institution than the Colorado School of Mines, representatives from CU Boulder’s Gender Science Department and Colorado Springs College of the Bible’s Geology Department literally came to blows over what subjects to exclude, and which to include, under the greater body of knowledge of Science.  While each touted pre-dispositions of ideology as taking primacy over verifiable truth, both sides paid lip-service to the scientific method, but only in support of their pre-ordained notions.

Gender vapid spokeshuman for CU Boulder’s Gender Science Department Dr. Wagglesnicks, commented, “Gender is nothing more than a social construct created by an oppressive white-supremacist capitalist patriarchy!  I don’t care what DNA says, we at CU have recognized no less than 72 different genders, and any person can flow from one to any one OR MORE of the others at any time, for any reason, including no reason at all.  However, we assert that a preponderance of evidence in the geological as well as the biological record shows that the earth is some 2.6 billion years old, and that we evolved from single-celled organism to apes over the course of hundreds of thousands of years and then evolved into homo sapiens like you and xus [a form of the second-person plural pronoun]. Anyone who disagrees with that assertion is at best a fool, and at worst, a nefarious peddler of pseudo science.”

After Dr. Wagglesnicks’ fiery opening statement, the spokesman for Colorado Springs College of the Bible, Reverend Cleatus Crowley angrily declared, “Don’t y’all call me no homo!  I’m not like you; I read Leviticus and I obey it!  As for this nonsense of the earth being 2.6 million years old, now THAT’S a bunch of baloney.  How do I know?  It’s in the Bible!  God said it, and God doesn’t lie.  Here are some truths that I can tell you: we’re just short of 6000 years old, God made the Earth in six days, and He made man from mud.  Then, he made woman from Adam’s rib.  That’s why men have one rib fewer than women.  Now THAT’S valid science.  As for this gender nonsense…well, it’s just nonsense.  Be a man or be a woman, and that’s it.  Just ask a police detective when there’s DNA at a crime scene, the first thing they tell you is whether it’s from a man or a woman.”

At this exchange, Wagglesnicks retorted even more angrily, “Homo sapiens is binomial nomenclature for human being- a basic term of biological categorization! And, when police collect DNA evidence from crime scenes, and they tell you that it’s a male or a female, they’re not using basic terms of categorization, they’re acting from unconscious bias that we at the Gender Science Department categorically denounce and repudiate. Anyone who disagrees with us is an oppressive member of the fascist patriarchy which has asserted its power to keep down the disadvantaged and marginalized.”

At this point, witnesses describe a descent into violence atypical for the School of Mines campus.  While it is unclear who started it, fists flew as did chairs.  After extensive hurling of insults and missiles, campus security was called in.  Amid loud chants of, “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!” in reference to TV personality and talk show host Jerry Springer by amused students and passersby, the fracas was finally disentangled and arrests were made.

The Focopolitan Tribune managed to contact a spokesman for the Colorado School of Mines.  Dr. Farouk Ikani had the following to say, “How in God’s good name did we ever give these people permission to have their ridiculous conference here?  This is a SCIENCE college, not a battleground for the ideologically possessed!  Both sides need to spend their time in the can and get some sense kicked into them!  To the CU fuckwits out there: you’re born with a gender.  If you don’t like it, fine!  Choose the other gender, and maybe get a sex-change operation.  Then be happy with it, but don’t go around telling me that there are 72 different gender pronouns and you can turn from one into another and then feel insulted when I call you by the wrong one!  As for you religious nut jobs, get your heads out of your ever-loving asses.  I thought I saw the worst of you at the Creation Museum in Kentucky! Both of you need to realize this: Science is real, and you approach it by studying the evidence and then coming to a conclusion, not the other way around. Instead what you’re both doing is having your ideology possess you, instead of you possessing your ideology!”

Reverend Crowley and Dr. Wagglesnicks, among others, are currently being held at the Jefferson County jail on multiple counts ranging from: battery, disturbing the peace, assault, reckless endangerment, and others.  Reverend Crowley is in the men’s ward, and it is unclear where Dr. Wagglesnicks is as officials are debating where to house xim [the third-person singular].

Local Shaman Explains Increase in Bald Eagle Population

in Environment by

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

——by Special Correspondent Jollie Thresher

In response to a recent article in The Fort Collins Coloradoan noting a marked increase in the local bald eagle population, The Focopolitan Tribune consulted several experts as to why this phenomenon might be happening. The Wildlife Biology Department at CSU had no firm answer, “Probably people are leaving their trash cans uncovered, and they smell food. Then they come knock ‘em over and—uh, whoops, that’s the bears. Try the guys in Avian Science.”

Dissatisfied, I travelled to the remote corners of Larimer County, to consult with Yawning Coyote Pratt, who has been working with a colleague, the noted Native American shaman and animal whisperer Swelling Milk, there to help him with the bison crisis reported in an earlier issue. Ms. Milk’s highly specialized work includes not only talking to various species of animals and birds, but mediating when conflicting human / animal issues arise. “She’s the best,” Yawning Coyote assured. “She got those bison together and explained there’s just too goddamn many of ‘em up here now at Soapstone Prairie. Convinced a lot of ‘em to head on up to Wyoming. Man, saved me hours with the bow and arrow!”
Incredulous, I asked Swelling Milk to explain her technique before we touched on the subject of bald eagles.
“I don’t do domestic animals,” was her first comment. “They actually communicate better with humans, having lost their wild vocabulary. They say the dumbest stuff, like ‘Ruining carpets rocks!’ or they want to gossip about their owners’ secretly drinking or jerking off. Or worse yet, ‘Polly. Wants. A. Cracker!’ Ugh. No, I deal only with wild species.”

As to why the bald eagles are settling in Fort Collins, Swelling Milk had the following to say. “Very simple,” she said. “The word is out in the eagle community. Fort Collins is an accepting town. For a long time it was all about the Canada geese, but not any more. Here prairie dogs feel at home, squirrels, iguanas, you name it. Here there is far more species inclusiveness than most places. The conservationists want to take credit, but it’s more about the progressive atmosphere of the town. Plus, the eagles read the signs.” I assumed Swelling Milk was referring to some eagle type of inner ‘spirituality’, but no. “The signs, of course, those signs all over Fort Collins,” she said. “Eagles can read eagle alphabet. One of the languages on those signs that say WE ARE FORT COLLINS is very close to eagle scratches. They saw it and decided, why not?”

Biker Gang Clubhouse to Open in Place of Closed Bisetti’s

in Arts and Entertainment/Business and Economics/Local Flavor by

This past January 31st, Focopolitan mourners carried a mock coffin from Bisetti’s restaurant all the way to Grandview Cemetery, FoCo’s poshest, most exclusive burial ground, in a requiem for that beloved staple of Fort Collins dining. Marching to Frederic Chopin’s Marche Funebre, and under the lugubrious light of a super blue blood moon, the people shared their memories of the times they had at the four decades-long institution. After hearing about the: many dates, wedding receptions, business deals, bar/bat/bax (for the transgender Jew) mitzvahs and meals that folks had there, people invariably asked, “So what’s gonna go in there now?”

It wasn’t a half hour after the doors of our beloved Bisetti’s closed for good, that a sign went up announcing the soon-to-be open new establishment: a local, biker bar. Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee happened to be passing by when some of the new tenant-cum-patrons of the space were unloading wrenches, power tools, oil pans, bottles of booze, and various-sized boxes that read “Harley Davidson” on them. One of the leather-bound, burly men carrying parts into the closed Bisetti’s took the time to speak with Schnee. “We’re coming in here in order to have a place to gather at, booze it up, raise hell and change the oil of our Harleys.”

The Focopolitan Tribune crew attempted contact with various concerned institutions from neighboring stores to security services to umbrella business organizations, inquiring about the opening of the new establishment and got a surprising degree of positive feedback. In an email, one member of the Business Organization of Old Town (BOOT) stated, “People talk so much about diversity here, but nobody ever does much, so we would like to invite the new owners to our next luncheon. We would love to have one of them on our board of directors. That would sure bring some diversity to our community.” While some were concerned that the biker gang is part of the Hell’s Angels, the group is actually a local phenomenon calling itself Phuck the Poudre. Why they opted for such a name is unclear, but we hope to inform our readers of that sometime in the near future.

The Trib crew were unable to contact Fort Collins Police Services officially, but a passing security-for-hire officer spoke anonymously, “Hell, yeah! Finally we can get some action here other than canning bums and slamming drunk college students onto the pavement! These guys are actually gonna keep me, the police, the jail and the courts in business!” College students themselves seemed enthused. A CSU sociology major, Colleen Middleton, had this to say, “It’s so exciting; can’t wait to see the place up and running!” A small squeal ensured.

Tim Ashbury, the owner of the bar, and its bartender, seemed pleased with himself. As he stood in front of the entrance, he smiled. “Now this is a proper place for a bar; right in the fuck sakes of things! I can’t believe no one’s tried this before me.” As he stared up at the building, he had this aside to Schnee. “Gonna have to white-trash up this awning though.

North Korean-themed Restaurant Keeps it Real With Not-So-Secret Ingredient

in Business and Economics/Local Flavor by

Fort Collins’ foodie scene is one of the nation’s most diverse.  But when Seung-Hui Kim, aka Tommy Kim opened Pyongyang Palete, Colorado got its first ever North Korean eatery.

Mr. Kim, originally from Seoul, South Korea purports to be a North Korea aficionado and a great admirer of the Kim Dynasty, which has ruled North Korea since 1945.  When asked to comment about his restaurant, he said, “10,000 years of life to the Great General Kim Jong-Un and long live the DPRK (Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, as North Korea is officially called) and the memory of the dear leader, Kim Jong-Un and the Great Leader Kim il-Sung.  My intentions are to bring the superior cultural cuisine of the great land to the pitiful imperialist shithole which is Northern Colorado.  Though our menu is heavy on naengmyeon (buckwheat noodles, usually served cold) dishes, we have specialty gogi-gui (typical Korean barbecue), with a special local ingredient.”  He winked at your stunned reporters.  Offering reporter Buck Humingbird a bowl of what appeared to be stew, Ms. Humminbird politely stuck to the buckwheat noodles.  When pressed about the secret ingredient to his infamous gogi-gui Mr. Kim referred to the Fort Collins Coloradoan’s article from Dec. 31st which noted the abandonment of around 100 domesticated rats at the Prospect Ponds Nature Area.

“The people of DPRK are a resourceful bunch, and they’ll eat anything that has legs except for a table, and anything that has wings, except for an airplane.  This includes such capitalist cast-offs as rats, and such capitalist pets as dogs.  Incidentally, the Larimer County Humane Society has totally blackballed me, and these animal rights wankers keep boycotting my joint and giving me all kinds of shit.  In any case, if your own farm or ranch property ever has a prairie dog problem, drop me a line!”

Although the food is definitely distinct and quite different from what is usually on hand in FoCo, it was surprisingly awful. A line of people still stood on the sidewalk an hour after your reporters sat down, though it is imagined that this may turn into a line of animal rights picketers before long. While the naengmyeon is palatable, don’t try the “secret” jeongol if you have cat allergies nor the “nuclear North” noodles unless you like your hair to stand on end. Up-to-date life and health insurance recommended especially when trying “Chongjin Choice,” which features the aforementioned special ingredient.

Bird Nuisance Plagues Old Town Lights

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There are many local traditions here in Fort Collins that are beloved by residents, and visitors, alike. During this season the Old Town Christmas lights are one such happening. While the Lighting Ceremony went off grandly, this year officials are being plagued by a new nuisance that seems intent on making sure that the lights stay off.

“It’s a stupid parrot,” grumbled one official to FoCo Tribune reporter, Buck Hummingbird, as the two stood at the intersection of College and Mountain. “We’re used to having replace lights and possibly reposition strands because of wind and such but this fucking bird…”

The brightly-colored avian menace has taken it upon himself to single-handedly try and destroy the Old Town lights.

“I don’t know if he’s pissed off about the lights at night or we put a strand too close to his nest but he is one determined little piece of….THERE HE IS!” The official took off running.

Apparently, the Lighting Committee has had a hard time trying to catch the flying destroyer even with near-constant surveillance and the position of strategically placed bird traps.

So, what is the parrot doing?

“He’s a smart one. He knows how to twist individual lights off; he just pops’em off and flies off with the light to who knows where. He’ll finish off a set of flights in minutes like this! He’s also repositioning strands; figures he’ll probably kill himself if he bites through them so he just kicks’em away. And don’t even get me started on how encrusted he makes light strands with his poop.” The actions leave dark spots in an otherwise perfect tableau of light, while also costing the city money to replace the missing bulbs.

“We even had an incident where a biker got twisted up in a strand he had managed to move.” This was the event that precipitated the Committee’s action to rid Old Town of the parrot.

He has become a delight for tourists who seemed concerned that the cold weather may harm the fellow. Your intrepid reporter stood by a group who tried to get selfies while he sat preening himself on a cool, sunny weekend afternoon.

“Isn’t he adorable?” gushed one woman from Pennsylvania. “You don’t see many free-flying birds like that in Colorado I bet. Will he be okay when it snows? I mean he’s not from around here obviously so where does he go when it gets cold?”

Committee officials have teamed up with biology experts from CSU and animal rights activists, as well as local volunteers, to try and catch the bird.

Julie Harmful, one of the activists, had this to say, “We’re concerned that he’ll hurt himself but also that someone may hurt him as well. We want to be able to get him away to a warmer place where he can be taken care of as we near colder temperatures. Everyone is concerned about him and rightfully so.”

Missing bird posters have also been placed in vet offices and pet stores throughout the city in the hopes that he is actually someone’s pet that accidentally escaped. Julie teared up, “He’s probably missing his carer.”

Officials would just be happy to be rid of what is becoming an expensive menace.

“I mean seriously,” replied the official as he returned from trying to catch the parrot, “what the hell did we do to him that he goes after the lights?”

The parrot did not return your reporter’s inquiries.

Area HOA Proposes Landfill for Old Hughes Stadium

in Environment/Local Flavor by

In an imperial-like gesture of bigness, representatives from the The Ponds community proposed an unorthodox solution for the lingering questions about what to do with Hughes Stadium.  After numerous discussions that addressed such issues as open spaces and affordable housing, it appears that a number of residents of The Ponds have come to a consensus that the area near their upscale neighborhood ought to become a landfill.  The group, calling itself YIMBY, for Yes, In My Back Yard, reached out to the Focopolitan Tribune in order to voice their ideas.

In a prolonged phone conversation with reporter Ludwig Schnee, spokeswoman Deb van Diemen of YIMBY stated, “It has come to the public’s attention that the Larimer County Landfill is going to max out any day now.  It is clear to everyone in Fort Collins: something needs to be done about this!  For us to accommodate all the trash that a growing middle-class population produces, we can only do so with sacrifice.  Yes, I said it- SACRIFICE!  We agree to sacrifice the nice views that we have for a new landfill for us to throw ‘away’ all the Chinese-made plastic trash that we and our lower-income neighbors buy, keep for six months, and then pitch.  Let’s face it: we live in Consumerville, USA, and we’re not better here in FoCo just ‘cause some of us say that we shop ‘local.’  We produce no less trash than people in Littleton, Junction or the Springs.”

Surprised at this statement from a person who obviously lives in an upscale neighborhood, our reporter asked about the effect on property values.  Ms. van Diemen replied, “ As we at YIMBY see it, it’s a win-win situation.  The city and county get a new landfill, the fees from our trash-haulers go down, and although our property values might go down some, that’s okay, they won’t plummet… and don’t forget, if your property value goes down, so do your taxes.  There is no downside to this.”

Wanting to find out more, our intrepid reporter went to the area and inquired a little more about the matter.  Residents were surprisingly candid and unanimous about the matter.  Resident Todd Reynolds remarked, “This is gonna be great!  Our lower-income neighbors will be able to walk their way to the local dump every afternoon and recycle just like us.”  He added, “I’ll bet they’ll be waiting for every dump truck that arrives just to see what our side of Overland Trail threw away- recycling at its most basic.”

It is unclear how city, county and state laws will affect this proposal.  The Larimer County Board of Commissioners and Fort Collins City Council have not officially replied to Focopolitan Tribune calls, but a local official, speaking to this newspaper on background had the following to say, “We are excited to see such civic pride expressed in a rather, unusual way. This will take some time to review and even then we need to look at existing state, municipal and federal laws to make sure it would be feasible.  I know that they [YIMBY] are excited, but we don’t want them to jump the gun, so to speak.  I’m just glad I don’t fucking live there!”

Area Rabbit Population Controlled With French Food Truck

in Business and Economics/Environment by

Foodies at this week’s food truck rally at City Park were pleasantly surprised by the debut of La Vielille Marseille, a French food truck operated by Jean-Louis Gottlieb.  Gottlieb, a native of Alsace recently immigrated to the US, and his showcasing of traditional French rabbit recipes has caused a stir in Fort Collins.

“I did not buy from any stores,” he explained, “and those food service companies do not carry such delicacies.  And when they do, it’s too expensive!  It is like taxes in France – you pay a lot and get shit for it.”  His solution?  Pulling out a have-a-heart trap and a bushel of carrots, he explains, “There are so many around the city.  And you must have it fresh. I learned to catch and cook the creatures while serving in the Armee de Terre [the French Army] as a field cook.”  Gottlieb went on to talk about his family’s long culinary tradition, “In WWII, my grandfather served in the Division Charlemagne and the family passed the tradition on.  To my dismay, most people in Florida and Georgia, where I began my business didn’t like it too much, but FoCo?  Mon Dieu– people here are eclectic in their pallet!  At first I served the usual coq-au vin, bouillabaisse, crepes and the more familiar French cuisine, but to my surprise the people here loved lapin [rabbit].  Perhaps because it is “locally grown”, but seriously, people here are eclectic in their taste.”

It’s clear for any outside observer to see that the menu on the side of Jean-Louis’ VW Westphalia heavily favors lapin.  With such delicacies as lapin a la cocotte, au vin, au sapiquet, a la mortared, to name only a few, rabbit is definitely his specialty.  That has had a fortuitous consequence for residents of Fort Collins, particularly those of us who live near nature areas and parks.  For well over a year now, Focopolitans have been complaining of the runaway rabbit population, made possible by the near-extinction of foxes in Northern Colorado due to a mange epidemic.  Rabbits have long ravaged residents’ gardens and planters, but to the relief of city planners, pest control and the general population, Jean-Louis has dealt with the problem decisively.  “What I do is this: I arrive two hours before opening, and the traps do the work for me.  Two hours later, voila!  It’s all done… seasoning and all!”

Not all Focopolitans are pleased with this development, though.  Campus animal rights and environmental activists have protested outside of Vielle Marseille.  A anonymous activist commented, “You like this guy while he serves you rabbit, ’cause those things are a dime a dozen.  What are we gonna do once they’re endangered?  Wait until he serves frogs!  Don’t you know how many species of frog are endangered?”

We at the Trib will keep our readers posted on both environmental and the culinary events in the community.

CU, CSU Mascots Eaten Week Before Face-off

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In a tragic bifecta of unrelated events, both Cam the Ram, CSU’s mascot and Ralphie the buffalo, CU’s counterpart have been killed and eaten plunging Fort Collins and Boulder into collective mourning.

It all started with Cam the Ram’s appearance at the CSU vs. Oregon State University game which inaugurated CSU’s new football stadium.  The excessive temperature of game day cause worrisome possible signs of dehydration in the ovine mascot.  Minders immediately contacted his personal veterinarian who recommended immediate transport to CSU’s Veterinary Teaching Hospital.  This is where things took a tragic turn.

A mix-up in paperwork at the stadium and a mis-entry on Google Maps landed Cam at a local kosher/halal butcher shop instead of the vet.  When the SNAFU was noticed, it was too late.

The two butchers, one Muslim, one Jewish were apologetic about the incident  In a press real ease Hamid Abdul el-Said and Levi Rothstein, the interfaith butchers, had this to say, “We purchased a few head of livestock from CSU, so that we could split the cost between us for Rosh Hoshana and Hajj, which happen to overlap this year.  We didn’t realize who it was that had been included with the other ovines until CSU contacted us early in the week.  Unfortunately, he had been turned into crown roast, braised shank and tripe stew with garlic.  At least we consecrated him before and prayed for him after…”

Ralphie for her part enjoyed a few moments of freedom before her demise.  In a fit of spontaneous activism, a group of drunk CU students freed Ralphie from her pen Saturday night.  Loading her onto a stolen trailer, daybreak saw the spontaneous animal rights activists driving hung over around Boulder trying to figure out what to to with the stolen animal.  A cursory web search turned up the reintroduced bison population at Soapstone Prairie, at which point they turned Northwards.  Setting the female bison free, they drove back to Boulder.  In a police deposition, one of the bison thieves stated,  “She seemed quite happy to be out in nature- ya know… just like the orca at the end of Free Willy.”

Ralphie’s carcass was discovered with various arrow-like wounds by Larimer County Senior Naturalists on Monday evening.  Visiting the reintroduced Indian Stettlement (see the Focopolitan Tribune’s article from May 31st  ) the naturalists were surprised to find inhabitants feasting.  On further examination, of the bison’s hide, no tracking number was found.  It didn’t take long for the LCSN and CU officials to figure out that the dead animal was indeed the missing Ralphie.

Yawning Coyote Pratt, spokesman for the reintroduced American Indian settlement had this to say, “What the fuck, people?!?!?!?  You tell me to kill a bison, and I kill my first one, and you’re all like ‘You killed the wrong one!!’  How the fuck am I supposed to know which one is which – they are all bison!  i wasn’t born into this lifestyle, nor did my ancestors even hunt these things- they were fucking corn, squash and bean farmers!  I’m gonna be proud of this kill no matter what you say.  I’m gonna eat my first meal in a long time!  Grilling night, baby!  Oh, and what’s this about a football game?  Can I borrow a TV?”

Fort Collins Poetry Piece Successfully Ends Syrian Civil War

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By Bashar_al-Assad.jpg: Fabio Rodrigues Pozzebom / ABrderivative work: César (talk) - Bashar_al-Assad.jpg, CC BY 3.0 br, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=16144552

In a move declared by the US Department of State as “stunning,” Syrian president Bashar al-Assad has unilaterally, independently, and under no apparent duress, foresworn violence altogether.  At a press conference, Syria’s dictator gave his solemn motive for the farewell to arms: a small group of pacifists who happen to call Fort Collins home.

The group, calling itself Poetry for Peace, is composed of CSU students and aging, local hippies.  Weekly gatherings along the banks of the Cache la Poudre River, or at low-rent watering holes, have them exchanging verses and ideas for such causes as the environment, racial reconciliation, gender, economic equality and of course, world peace.  It appears that their poem, “A Call to Compassion” so moved the hearts of readers that even Bashar al-Assad was compelled unilaterally to end his country’s 6-year long civil war.

The Focopolitan Tribune has been unable to reach president Assad or his press secretaries, but we were able to contact a capable spirit medium who, after hours of ecstatic dancing, a sacrificial chicken and the appropriate hallucinogens, contacted Richard Holbrooke. Holbrooke’s 40-year career in the State Department and the Peace Corps spanned the globe; he is probably best remembered for his role in the Dayton Peace Accords ending the war in Bosnia-Herzegovina, as well as for his role in the Kosovo War, which culminated in the arrest and trial of Slobodan Milosevic.

Asked about Poetry for Peace’s accomplishment, Holbrooke said, “I can’t believe these people!  They write one poem, ONE POEM, and boom!  Peace. As for me, I spent 40-plus years in public service paying my dues, navigating bureaucracy, kissing the right asses only to get to the top and have warring sides barely want to talk to me, let alone each other.  Then what?  I patiently take miniscule steps and put up with their idiotic bullshit only to get a string of fragile agreements that over time, my team and I turned into a feeble peace.  I used to think that these people were a bunch of useless quixotics, involved in nothing better than pseudo-intellectual circle-jerking, but I was wrong.  I should have been a poet.”  Asked for more comment on the matter, Holbrooke ended the seance by stating, “I can’t believe it!  When I was alive, The New York Times, The Washington Post and the Wall Street Journal would go out of their way to get an interview with me, but now that I’m dead, the only ones who want my opinion are two-bit muckrakers from fourth-rate newspapers like yours!  I’ll tell you, being dead really sucks; now fuck off, I’m done!”

It was at this point that the spirit of the late president of Kosovo, and frequent Holbrooke interlocutor, Ibrahim Rugova inhabited our intrepid spirit medium.  “Really, man.  I envy these people.  I spent decades writing literary criticism and pushed for peace, but I only got it after I abandoned literary life, and embraced the squalid, frustrating world of politics.  What are they doing that I didn’t do?  Seriously, tell these people to fuck off, and while you’re at it, go ahead and fuck off too.”

Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee met up with Poetry for Peace at Lions Park and after a good sharing of a group joint and the obligatory sing-along to John Lennon’s “Give Peace a Chance” and “Imagine”, spokes-human Puffy Snuggle, who is gender non-conforming, gloated on the group’s accomplishment, “I wanna see Boulder top this, bee-yotch!” Snuggle continued, “We’re probably gonna write our next poems with the titles ‘Let the Poudre Live’ and ‘Give Impeachment a Chance’.”  We at the Trib can’t wait.

 

Spring Glade Fire Fully Contained, Wildlands Firefighters Getting LOTS of Nookie

in Environment by

After a successful operation that contained last week’s Spring Glade fire, near Coyote Ridge that saw no human casualties and no structures lost, it is fair to say that Northern Colorado fire crews have done a stellar job once again.  Their exploits are legendary, their teamwork extraordinary.  For their heroism and hard work, wildlands firefighters are paid meager wages, but what the casual observer fails to realize is the fact that these guys are not reward with money alone…

Wildlands firefighters not only command the intangible gratitude and respect of the communities they save, but also the tangible rewards that rather more venturous people are willing to show.  Encompassing the categories of: MILF, blonde, facial, body shot, brunette, tit-fuck, circle-jerk, gang bang, redhead, anal, interracial, bikini, blow job, granny, glory hole, threesome, hand job, big tits, shaved, BBW, outdoor, drunk, bare-backing, pillow-biter, Latina, hairy and barely legal, to name only a few, these guys put any other under-moneyed testosterone-fueled male to shame!

In an interview with the Focopolitan Tribune, Dave Smith of the Soapstone Hotshots crew remarked, “They pay us shit, and our health insurance barely covers us for the STDs that most of us get every season, but man, oh man… the poontang we get more than makes up for it!  Sometimes the chicks even pay for the booze!  Fighting wildfires by day and having wild night on fire in our sleeping bags: that’s the life for us.”  Smith went on to explain, “Yup, all of us bang more than our fill of pussy, except for Patrick and Gerald over there, who take turns banging each other.” as he pointed to a pair of buff-looking young men kissing, on their way to a sleeping bag.

‘Badge Bunny’ is the affectionate term that denotes women who have a proclivity for law enforcement and firefighting personnel, and this crew had no lack of them.  “Sometimes they outnumber us by a factor of 2 to 1!  We LOVE those nights.”  Asked what their greatest single-season accomplishment was, William “Billy” Moore said, “Two seasons ago, when we went out to California to help out with a fire there, we saved Kim Kardashian’s ninth home.  Too bad she wasn’t there.  She was at a show in Dubai or some shit like that with Kanye.”  He went on, “Yup, that’s probably where the crew first got the clap from.”  An unidentified Soapstone Hotshot remarked, “Worth every second of that stinging piss, though.” and the crew performed a group high-five, laughing before retiring to their tents with bikini-clad badge bunnies.

We at the Focopolitan Tribune salute our wildlands firefighters and the chicks, and occasionally dudes who keep their morale (and something else) up!

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