U-boat Restorer to Offer Rides at Horsetooth

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This year a new feature is coming to the Wings of Freedom Tour that is held the weekend after the Fourth. However, this new entry will not be featured at the Northern Colorado Regional Airport because, well, submarines cannot fly by themselves. Instead of heading to the airport, drive over to Horsetooth Reservoir for the experience of a lifetime with Fins der Fuhrer.

Ray Gilbert, 75, a former Naval submarine officer himself, has painstakingly and lovingly restored a Type IXC/40 German U-boat from World War II. He started the project when he was 30 but only finished it a couple of years ago.

“Yes, it did take awhile to complete; took a bit of money to do so also, and my wife was infinitely patient for the entire length of the project. It’s not like you can just fit the sub in your garage and start restoring. Heck, I even had to learn German in order to read some of the manuals that I found.”

While Mr. Gilbert attempted to find parts through contacts within both the United States and the European Union, most times it came down to using his own machinist, his best friend, Norman New, who was also at hand for the submarine’s voyages in Horsetooth.

“We took her out yesterday,” commented Mr. New, “and she’s running just fine. We don’t go too deep or too far just because we don’t have much of a crew and everything was restored according to strict standards. In other words, this baby does not run with an app or just a push of a button so we don’t want to push her too hard.”

So, does this mean that she will be available for rides to the public during the weekend tour? “Of course, that’s why we brought her out here!” exclaimed Mr. Gilbert.

The two are offering two types of rides: the full experience and the day-cruise. The full experience will have the submarine being submerged fully so that riders will get a feel for what it was like to be in a U-Boat, while the day-cruise will be riding outside. The latter will also perambulate the entire reservoir while the former will be half-out and then back. In between, to refit and refresh the sub, they will be doing short tours.

“To be able to accommodate both the submarine requirements and the fact that we will have civilian riders, we will be taking small groups. We will have a few more crew members as well but not a full complement,” said Mr. Gilbert.  “It squeezes real tight in a U-boat.  Besides that, some of the civvies just don’t pay attention!  Once when I was trying to submerge, someone flooded the batteries instead of the ballast tanks.”  A large plume of toxic chlorine gas ensued, ending tour operations for that day, Mr. Gilbert explained.  “Well, at least nobody got asphyxiated or badly injured.”

There is understandably a price difference between the two experiences as well as the tour. The day-cruise will be $2200 a person while the full experience is $5000 per person. The tour, which will feature the bridge, sleep quarters, gallery and radio room, is available at $430 per person. There is an age limit of 14 or older for all experiences and a legal waiver the size of a Papal Encyclical.

Surprisingly, there are already waiting lists for the two types of rides. “And we’re almost full for just the tours,” said Mr. New.  “I’m gonna have to get creative about the realism of the rides- ya know. Of course, U-Boats back then had no showers or laundry, so I’m thinking of adding a super BO and mold realism feature.”

Last question? “Of course, the guns work,” replied an exasperated Mr. Gilbert, referring to the 20 mm mount on the conning tower. “And we got the ammo for it too, in case the bomber pilots decide to play a re-enactment on us.”

Boulder Honors President With Naming of New Landfill

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American presidents are widely honored.  They have all manner of things named after them- from bridges and highways to whole cities and even a state.  They are also honored with the biggest, most important warships in the US Navy- aircraft carriers.  But earlier last week, the city of Boulder went a step further.

In a grand show of respect and admiration, the Boulder City Council voted unanimously to name the new city landfill after Donald John Trump.  Boulder Mayor Suzanne Jones in a speech celebrating the passage of the bill honoring Trump with the landfill had the following to say, “For 40 years, I’ve served as Executive Director of [the recycling non-profit] Eco Cycle, and I’ve dealt with all manner of trash: compostable organic matter, recyclable metals, plastics and such, but in all my career of trying to salvage human waste, I’ve never seen such an irredeemable pile of useless, pointless refuse quite like our president.  Therefore, it behooves us Boulderites to honor him by naming our trash pile the Donald John Trump Boulder City Landfill.  Because we all know that, when it comes to trash, nobody beats Donald Trump; he turned multiple business ventures into trash, he had a reality TV show that was pure trash, and now he is turning our constitution and our very country into trash.  This president needs to be honored!”

The measure has been widely applauded in Boulder city and county.  The municipalities of Niwot, Lafayette and Longmont all passed symbolic laws in support of Boulder city’s honoring of The Don.  Lafayette resident Heidi Papadopoulous had the following comment, “With a name like that, I’d even volunteer my 40 acre horse ranch for the site!”

Focopolitan Tribune Reporter Ludwig Schnee actually contacted President Trump at his Mara Lago resort in Florida on the first try over the phone.  In a brief conversation, the president told Mr. Schnee, “I’m honored.  I guarantee you that this landfill is gonna be the best, the most beautiful landfill ever made!  Ever!  Just tell that mayor in Boulder to send the royalty check for the use of my name in the mail to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. in Washington, DC!”

Larimer County Assessor’s Office Winging It

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Property tax assessments for 2019 have raised quite a fuss in Larimer County since they arrived in residents’ mailboxes at the beginning of May. With the deadline for disputes drawing near, your intrepid reporter decided to speak with the office on how they created such a hullabaloo.

County spokesperson, Tre Brighter, had this to say, “Well, you see, the previous assessor created his own algorithm for assessment calculations. So, when he left, he took the equations with him, because, you know, intellectual property and all that.”

“To put it more precisely, we had to get something out and, like, fast so we sorta, kinda had to wing it.”

Apparently ‘winging it’ meant a combination of actual data and some rather inventive, and unorthodox, methods. “I don’t know how many other offices use our methods but I’m betting not many,” continued Brighter. What were these methods?

“Well, a Magic 8 ball, darts, a blindfold–you know for impartiality’s sake–and Pin-the-Zero on the House. Like I said, we had to wing it in order to get the new figures out in time for our deadline.”

The new assessment figures have caused quite a stir in Larimer county as indicated by a noticeable increase in disputes and a constant line of some angry property owners outside the county building.

Kevin Nouveau-Riche, a resident of Laporte, was furious. “You bet your ass I’m disputing!” he fumed while standing in front of his two-bedroom concrete bungalow. “How the hell did something I bought in 2016 for $250,000 end up coming in at $1.4 million. This piece of craptastic house ain’t worth that; it’s not like I live on Mountain [Avenue] in FoCo!!!”

Brighter wringed his hands when your reporter told him about Mr. Nouveau-Riche’s discrepancy. “Yeah, that was probably a Magic 8 ball prediction or Pin-the-Zero.”

Mr. Brighter did have this to say. “We’ll definitely be more prepared for the next assessment. Right now we’re using Monopoly to help us create the necessary equations for next time.” He paused, “Or are we using Sorry?”

Radical Capitalist Group Celebrates Life, Achievements of Judas

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At a luncheon today, a local, fundamentalist capitalist group celebrated Easter weekend most unusually.  The group, calling itself Capitalism or Else!, celebrated and commented on the life of an otherwise repugnant human being: Judas Iscariot, the man who betrayed Jesus Christ for 30 pieces of silver.  According to the New Testament of the Holy Bible, Judas turned Jesus into Roman authorities out of pure greed and complete lack of integrity, but Capitalism or Else!’s, John Silverton had an entirely different perspective on the story, “We look at it another way.  Judas was really an innovator: the Amazon.com of his day.  What do they have in common?  They took people’s personal information, and monetized it.  What’s the big deal?  What sets (Amazon founder and owner) Jeff Bazos apart from other capitalists?  He didn’t just discover untapped markets- he invented them.  He didn’t just come into some existing realm of money making like a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman, he created his own money-making forum: he saw there was a demand for people’s personal information- their buying patterns, their internet searches, and so on, and he sold them and people ended up better off for it.  The genius of Bazos was finding that thing that nobody else saw potential for and then just followed the laws of supply and demand.  Just think of it: Judas did the same.  He realized there was huge demand on the part of Roman buyers who had silver, for information on Judean seditionists.  Judas was in optimal condition to supply that information, so he charged the premium for it.  Silver for information, information for silver and KACHINK!  The guy got rich and all these commie-ass Christians go around condemning him!  What’s up with that?”  Mr. Silverton paused, “I hope Judas at least picked up the tab at the last supper, but the Gospels don’t tell us.  Seriously, the only one high on the hog at he last supper was my man, Judas.  All the others were broke.”

“Come to think of it, he was the first follower of Jesus to make a killing selling Jesus.  He ought to be the example to all these preachers out there, from Ken what’s-his-face…” he paused again “…you know, that guy with the big-ass house in Steamboat [Springs, CO] to Joel Osteen.  They can’t hold a candle to Judas.  Why are these preachers today respected, but Judas gets the treatment he gets?”

Further conversation revealed that Mr. Silverton will be founding an online startup that he plans to name judas.com specializing in auctions for packages of peoples’ internet searches.  “The e-bay for people’s personal information.  If you can buy and sell people’s debts, why not their personal information?  You shouldn’t see people as customers; they are the product, and that was a concept Judas figured out 2000 years ago.  Now, was that visionary or what?”

Boulder Travel Agency Offers Poverty Tours for High Roller Front Range Crowd

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Northern Colorado residents are some of the most worldly in America.  We Nocopolitans have seen it all and heard it all.  We’ve had it with Cancun and Cabo.  Jackson Hole and Aspen are practically our back yard.  Yellowstone and Yosemite are the epitome of pedestrain.  What possibly could top these experiences for our Left-of-center, environmental, altruistic sensibilities?

Enter Boulder’s niche touring agency: PPV Tours.  “The PPV stands for poor people viewing.  It’s really a thing.  Don’t believe me?  Just look at your liberal friends online and you’re bound to see pictures of them posing in photos next to little brown and black kids with that cute, little UNICEF look.  Moral of the story: poor people are exotic and interesting- kind of like animals on safari, and that’s what the monied liberal crowd want.  Let’s not forget this: the customer is always right.”  So said Miranda Mitchell, co-owner and operator of PPV Tours.  “They say that they want to ‘volunteer’ at some school or AIDS orphanage in Africa, but they just want to go there, look at what a wreck of a place they’re visiting, and feel like they’re doing something good for their fellow man, when in reality, they’re just objectifying their poverty.  After that, they come back home and have a story to tell and pictures to show other liberal jackwads, so that they can one-up them on who’s the most socially conscious, liberal snowflake at the drum-circle.”  she paused, “Just think of it as a Progressive version of ‘Keeping up with the Joneses.'”

PPV offers tours to Guatemala, Honduras and Nicaragua, since Mexico, Costa Rica and Panama are just too prosperous to illicit sympathy from travelers.  PPV also offers the Hassa diga Ibo ai tour of Uganda in conjunction with missionary organizations posted to the central African nation.

Asked what is the most challenging aspect of organizing the tours, Ms. Mitchell commented, “By far, finding an internet connection in the rural boonies of Uganda or Central America that our tourists can access Facebook and Instagram on.”  Taken aback by this fetishistic view of poor people, reporter Ludwig Schnee asked Ms. Mitchell more about her clientele to which she answered with unusual candor, “My tourists don’t like the poor- they like poverty.  There is a difference.”

Poudre River Gold Mine Reassures River Community: We’ll Only Pollute a Little Bit

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After finding gold along the Poudre River, Trump Mining Corporation, a precious metals extraction company owned by none other than The Don himself addressed community members in Fort Collins, Greeley and all other municipalities that line our precious riverine resource.  In a Tweet, our president declared to the Poudre River community, “This is going to be the BEST gold mine EVER!!!  Fort Collins, Greeley, Laporte, Bellevue and all those places there are gonna be proud of this.”

These surprising developments however, have been met with fierce criticism.  FoCo environmental activist Fern Greene reached out to the Focopolitan Tribune and gave us a full interview.  “Gold mines are about the dirtiest, filthiest most environmentally degrading operations possible!  I’m so outraged that this fucking thing is even gonna open!  Do you know how much cyanide and mercury is used in the mining of gold?  Where’s it all gonna go?  And what is this all for?  To get some rich-ass people more fucking jewelry than they already have?  I’m sorry, but as a member of this community, I say, ‘no.’  Pollution of rivers and soil is the kind of thing that should only happen in countries where black and brown people live, not here!”

We at the Tribune managed to contact a spokesman from Trump Mining.  Aurelio Goldberg assured us, “Yeah, we do use mercury and cyanide in mining gold, but at least we have the river to take it away.  No problem there.  We just dump the stuff in the Poudre and away it goes…”  Horrified at such a flippant disregard for the environment, your reporter Ludwig Schnee asked about how this might effect the wildlife of the ecosystem to which Mr. Goldberg replied, “It’s gonna kill some fish, but so much the better.  All those anglers I see in the summer aren’t gonna need to pay a cent for those expensive waders, rods, bait or line.  They just need to go down and pluck ’em out; we did the hard part for them.”

Something tells us at the Trib that this can’t be the end of this…

I-25 High Speed Chase Catches Motorists by Surprise

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While police departments across the United States have been changing their policies regarding high-speed chases in urban areas, there are still instances of such follies upon the motorways. A recent incident on the north-south corridor of I-25 is a case in point.

Motorists traveling northbound on that section between Johnstown and Fort Collins witnessed the unusual occurrence. “I haven’t seen something like this since that right-wing bank robbery one on 285 [referring to a 1996 incident]!” gushed one excited young woman, who asked to remain anonymous.

Onlookers were treated to an exhilarating 45 MPH high-speed chase of one wanna-be Chevy Volt bandit followed by three police vehicles.

Another driver, 25-year-old Adam Summerfeld, who happened to be on the road, was amazed at the speed. “45 on I-25!?!?! Can you believe it? I wish that happened a lot more for just us regular drivers. I just got over to the right lane and let them do their thing. But it was a sight to see!” He walked off, muttering, “45! Man, 45!”

Police spokesman Colin O’Keefe acknowledged the irony of a “high-speed” chase being classified as anything else than an extreme speed. “Yes, the legal speed limit is 75 MPH but that rarely happens on I-25 anymore. So when we attempted to stop this person for a broken taillight and he took off, we had to step in. Eventually we clocked him at speeds up to 45 MPH! We didn’t expect that he would flee and then not follow requests to respectfully pull over.”

The police eventually barricaded the individual on the exit ramp for US-36 eastbound due to lack of volume at that particular location. “It was an emergency decision. We needed lots of room for the number of vehicles involved and in case he came barreling off the highway and a physical incident occurred,” intoned O’Keefe, “And that exit just doesn’t have lots of cars sometimes.”

The driver 46-year-old Ziggy Smith only had this to say in his defense. “Man, I just wanted to get home. I’d already been traveling from south Denver for over 2 hours.”

Poetry of Wrong Richard Wright Recited at Boulder Slam Event

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Every February, America celebrates African-American History Month.  This year is no exception.  In order to honor the contributions of black people to American culture, science, industry and technology, we devote the shortest month of the year to black people… hey, at least it’s a month, and not just a week… or even a day, so…

Anyway, last Tuesday night, in celebration of African-American History Month, also known as February, the Bishkek Teahouse and Lounge on Boulder’s Broadway district added to its fine tea selection, a bucketful of Kool-Aid punch and hosted the first ever African-American Literary Weekend.  There were recitals and readings of famous African American authors, discussions, writing symposia and to top it off, a poetry slam.  One of the entrants, Laqueesha Jackson got a little carried away with poetry from Richard Wright, whom she thought was the early 20th Century African-American author and poet.  That Richard Wright lived from 1908 to 1960 and was African American.  Thing is, there was ANOTHER Richard Wright.  This other (1943-2014) was British, and is best known for his role in the band Pink Floyd, writing such songs as Wearing the Inside Out, Remember a Day and others.  While both wrote in the English language, each having a poetic command of the language, and each deserves his place in the canon of great English-language artists, they are not the same and should not be confused with each other.

That, Ms. Jackson learned the hard way when Ludwig Schnee pointed it out after she finished.  “I totally didn’t realize I was reading something written by some dude from England!  It was so real and shit.”  Reading the lyrics from the Pink Floyd song “Wearing the Inside Out,” Ms. Jackson recited in slam-style, “From morning to night, I stayed out of sight!  Didn’t recognize, I’d become… No more than alive, I barely survived.  In a word, over-run.”  Laqueesha later explained, “I thought that was a reference to [American] Richard Wright’s experience at being excluded on account of him having grown up in segregation in Mississippi and shit.  Turns out, it’s just some sort of rambling from a white English guy.” She paused, ” At least the crowd liked it.”

To any poetry buffs out there, we would recommend “Between the World and Me” next time around.

Shutdown Inspires DPS Teachers’ Strike

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Kyla Sandoval has been a teacher at DPS for 2 years.  A graduate of the University of Northern Colorado’s Education program, she has slaved away for a pittance at a crime-ridden, run-down high school (which shall remain anonymous).  As coach of the debate team, Ms. Sandoval has inspired her pupils to go beyond the “Fuck you!… No, fuck you!” exchanges typical of DPS debate clubs.  But for all her efforts, Ms. Sandoval has yet to be paid enough to cover rent and expenses without public assistance.  “Damn dude, it really sucks to be on SNAPs and have to do the whole LulaRoe routine when you already have a full time job!”  Kyla went on to explain how she has a veritable Pikes Peak in student loan debt.

Kyla’s story is one of many for teachers at DPS.  Is it any wonder that the teacher’s union is considering a strike?  Ms. Sandoval explained what was behind the putative strike, “I’ll be honest: I was truly inspired by the government shutdown, and I think teachers at Denver Public Schools (DPS) should follow the fine example that our president is giving us.  THAT’S why we like to use ‘Red for Ed;’ our president is of the party that has red as its color and he’s shutting everything down.  It’s like we’re the same or something… we just want to make enough bread to make a living and shit.”

Focopolitan Tribune reporter Buck Hummingbird interviewed the president of the PTA of said high school.  La’Tonya Jackson had this to say, “If this ‘Red for Ed’ thing happens, the education my kids gonna git is gonna have to be better than the education they git from watching daytime TV!” Ms. Jackson paused, “But it’s probably all gonna wind up just like our president: don’t do shit and nuthin’ git done!”

Although Denver’s “Red for Ed” movement has yet to initiate its strike, the claims have been heard loud and clear. Whether anybody will do jack shit about it, is another story…

Entrepreneur Proposes Cherry Picker for Control Tower for Local Airport

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With the recent addition of an American Airlines flight connecting the po-dunk city of Cheyenne, Wyoming to its major hub in Dallas, Texas, and thereon to anywhere around the world, Focopolitans and Lovelanders have a good reason for being butt-hurt.  How could a second-rate community like Cheyenne get a flight to someplace worth going to, while Northern Colorado Regional Airport (NCRAP) gets only occasional flights to Vegas, Phoenix or the obscure Illinois town of Rockford?

Enter new arrival Armando Torres.  A recent immigrant from Sinaloa, Mexico, Armando has massive experience in the fields of logistics and airstrip management.  “I have worked for more than 20 years managing private airfields.  Whether it’s a jungle in Colombia or a desert in Northern Mexico, when it comes to managing air traffic, cargo and airstrips, I’m an expert!  I used to manage a whole fleet of single-engined, propeller-driven cargo planes until the police came and took my previous employers to jail.”  He went on, “You guys here at NCRAP have a lot to work with: I mean, you guys actually have hangars and a PAVED RUNWAY!  That’s way more advanced than anything I’ve ever dealt with, and I moved stuff- I mean, a few dozen Cesnas a day for years, hombre!”

While NCRAP serves the Fort Collins-Loveland area and has in the past hosted flights by carriers such as Allegiant Air, it currently has no commercial flights to anywhere.  The reason given by the airlines is that the airport does not have a control tower.  But for Señor Torres, that is no impediment.  “No worries, esse!  Tell those cabrones at the FAA [Federal Aviation Administration] that I’ll jack up a cherry-picker as high as it goes, and that’s enough.  I’ll pay for it in cash- greenbacks.  You think I ever worked with a control tower back in Colombia?  In other words, as we say, ‘La garantia soy yo.’  The warranty is me.  We can get a flight started to Culiacan [Mexico] in no time flat!”  When we asked Sr. Torres about safety, he didn’t miss a beat, “No problem.  I’ll just tether myself with a sky hook.”

With such a spectacular resume, officials are loath to let Señor Torres get away. “This could solve all of the issues that we’re having in getting flights from the airport, no matter the destination,” proclaimed an anonymous airport official. “Plus, he’s willing to take on maintenance of the cherry-picker too!  It’s a grand deal.  The only concern I have is safety.  Mr. Torres admits to only a few mishaps, but his record-keeping is… let us say, a little South of the border.  Even so, nobody’s perfect, right?”

Mr. Torres and NCRAP have submitted plans to the Federal Aviation Administration.  Final approval is pending and a ruling expected this January.

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