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Bernie Sanders Elected President… of Loveland Elks Club

in Health and Fitness/Local Flavor/Politics by

In a prepared speech at a press conference outside of a Las Vegas hospital, last Friday, spokesman for the Loveland Elk’s Lodge #10334458, Mortimer Moore stated, “On behalf of Elk’s Lodge #10334458 of Loveland, Colorado, we wish the Senator from Vermont a full and speedy recovery.  Furthermore, noting the good Senator’s great interest in the betterment of the lot of all Americans, our lodge has elected him honorary president.  Given his health, it appears that this will be his last and best chance at being president of anything.  What’s more?  Our lodge is less than a five minute ambulance ride from the finest cardiac nurses and surgeons at MCR.  For real- those folks work with Greeley’s meth heads all the time, so treating a guy like Bernie’s gonna be a breeze for ’em, but that’s a little off subject.”  He went on,  “Seriously, the senator needs to chill out with us and reduce his chances of another cardiac episode, and when it comes to calming down, nobody beats the Elks.  Don’t believe me?  Just come on a Friday night, and watch re-runs of the Lawrence Welk Show with us and you’ll see what I mean.”

This gesture by the Loveland Elk’s Lodge has not gone unnoticed.  The Fort Collins Lions and Tigers and Bears Club, when contacted had this to say, “Awww… Dammit!  Why didn’t WE think of that?  I’ll tell you what: we’ll dispense with our usual breakfast of coffee, pancakes, bacon and eggs for a Kosher option lox and bagels- no cream cheese or coffee-just too dangerous.”  The unidentified Lions and Tigers and Bears Club secretary proceeded.  “Oooohhhhh… so the Loveland Elks are selling the fact that they’re a five-minute ambulance ride away from the hospital?  Well… we’re only a fifteen minute hearse ride away from the Synagogue, in the event…  Y*w3h calls him.  I’d like to see them guys in Loveland give Bernie a proper chevra kadisha.”  He nervously cleared his throat.  “In any event, folks in the community’ve been giving us all manner of shit about being too white, old and Christian.  Letting a guy like Bernie into our ranks would surely contribute to our diversity and reduce our average age by several years.”

Your reporter Ludwig Schnee contacted the Sanders campaign which duly put us on the line with the Senator who apparently has been recovering well.  The Senator had this to say, “At least I was treated by private doctors.  If I got the medical treatment I proposed for the American people, I’d be at Temple and you’d be praying Kaddish.”

Fort Collins Summer Festivals to Merge into Unending Season-Long Party

in Arts and Entertainment/Business and Economics/Local Flavor by

In an announcement today, the City of Fort Collins Party Authority (CFCPA) announced that for simplicity’s sake, all Fort Collins summer festivals will now conglomerate into one summer-long event.  Starting in 2020: A Taste of Fort Collins, the Colorado Marathon, New West Fest, Tour de Fat, Tour de Corgi, the Old Town Car Show, the Harvest Festival, the Pagan Festival, the Peach Festival, Brewfest, Octoberfest, the Fourth of July, Pride Day and some two dozen other festivities will all become one, big, giant, non-stop, celebration of everything and nothing.  This event will feature 16 stages, 1200+ bands, 116 different breweries, two farmers’ markets, ganja, young buxom maidens riding bikes in nothing more than body paint, six non-stop food truck rallies, four artisan camps and the kind of nihilistic fun that would make an episode of Seinfeld look like a Baptist seminary.

At a press conference, spokesman Fred Alborghetti commented with unusual candor, “We’re just formalizing what’s already happening.  I just got sick and tired of everybody always bitching to me asking why the roads in Old Town are all blocked, so we [at CFCPA] just rolled all these festivals into one whole, big ball-o-wax.  It just makes things simpler.  Not only that, but we get to pass off other people’s boozing as local culture.  All the while, of course, we cash in.  It sure keeps the economy going.  As I see it, it’s like our own New Deal, except it’s centered around fun, instead of work.  I never thought watching adults with too much money pursuing frivolous pleasure could be so rewarding!”

Fort Collins Police Services (FCPS) spokesman Mohammad Rodriguez had this to say about the summer-long festival. “It will definitely give us something to do. I mean, hell, do you know what it’s like to hear our guys bitch and complain about the chronic lack of action in this town?  I just hope things become a little bit more like Sturgis at the rally when the Hell’s Angels and the Mongols meet after drinking too much.  This will greatly help our downtime!”

New business owner Todd McPherson who operates an organic, locally grown, vegan pet food store and boutique on the main drag also seemed excited about the change. “Finally! Now I”ll always know where to park since the damn road closings will remain the same! Never again will I have to guess where the fuck to park my Oldsmobile.”

Random questioning of various people in Old Town also seemed to generate a positive review of the move by the Fort Collins Party Authority. “Now I can stay drunk the entire summer! Thanks for making it easier!,” gushed one young man as he stumbled down Mountain Ave. Another dread-locked Trustafarian took a hit and smiled, “Hell, yeah!  I ain’t leavin.'”

We at the Focopolitan Tribune agree with everyone and are SO there!  We can’t wait.  Your reporter, Ludwig Schnee is gonna do his best to make Burning Man seem like a trip to the mosque compared to this.

Op-Ed: City Police Disappointed with Boring Labor Day Weekend

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This weekend saw LOTS of stuff happening in town.  As always, Focopolitans and outsiders joined in on our unique brand of nihilistic, senseless fun known as Tour de Fat.  To those readers unversed in Focopolitan traditions, the Tour de Fat is a parade where thousands of strangely-costumed bicyclists ride their equally-oddly outfitted bikes a whole of maybe three miles from Downtown Fort Collins all the way to New Belgium Brewery in order to celebrate Labor Day.

Yeah I know, it makes about as much sense as Easter, when we celebrate Jesus’ rising from the dead after three days by eating chocolate eggs and hiding real ones, but that’s another story.  The kicker is that there are always thousands people around and there is always alcohol.  Yet for the umpteenth year in a row, with mobs of people, and beer aplenty, we have not yet seen major violent events and therefore no action for our city police force.

Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee contacted public affairs officer Mohammad Hernandez at Fort Collins Police Services who ad libbed, “Yeah, dude… we’re like… totally disappointed at this.  First off, we had a rout of the CSU football team [in the game against CU] on Saturday.  Back in the day, there’d be rioting.  But even with a brand new stadium and tens of thousands of students back for some action what do we get?  A big nothing burger without fries.  Then there was that whole Tour de Fat thing, where we were HOPING for something to happen, but people just went on their merry way, and we didn’t get anything more than a few DUIs and disorderly conduct.  It’s not like [the year AD 19] 97 when we had couch-burnings every other weekend just ’cause CSU started and the football team got spanked.  That was the shit, back then.  Nowadays, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were cobwebs on our riot gear.”  When asked what FCPS hoped for next year, officer Hernandez simply replied, “I’m just disappointed in the community.  We just need…well…more crime.  With a community as peaceful as this, we’ll be out of a job sooner than later.”

County Expands Housing Program for the Homeless

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In a 3-0 resolution passed on the 16th of this month, the Board of Commissioners voted to expand the only current program for housing Larimer County’s homeless.  The resolution expands the current facility to include 250 more beds from the 617 existing ones.  When asked spokeswoman Gail Byrd of Larimer County Corrections replied with, “This facility is currently the BEST that Larimer County has to offer our homeless, so why not expand it?  More beds are needed, so let’s just get ’em ya know… If you’ve got a winning formula, just stick to it.  I congratulate our commissioners on their foresight and the slam-dunk vote.”

Larimer County taxpayers will now foot the $75 million re-model for this iteration of public housing (that’s about $215 for each man, woman and child in the county) that will include beds, three meals a day, bathrooms, basic exercise facilities and concierge uniform services. “It’s like a home away from home, except, I guess, they don’t have a home.  Our guests call it ‘Club Larimer.'”

When asked if the expansion would still be used for traditional incarceration and pre-trial detention, Ms. Byrd had this to say. “Of course we’ll still have a detainee population, I mean, we can’t give up on them either. But we’re expanding our services to show that we are also an organizational resource for those who need it.  Nevertheless, let’s not forget that it’s criminals that ultimately keep us in a job, so this is a shout-out to the criminal community of Fort Collins.  We appreciate you: no one supports the blue quite like you! And it’s time that we show you how much you are appreciated.”

 

U-boat Restorer to Offer Rides at Horsetooth

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This year a new feature is coming to the Wings of Freedom Tour that is held the weekend after the Fourth. However, this new entry will not be featured at the Northern Colorado Regional Airport because, well, submarines cannot fly by themselves. Instead of heading to the airport, drive over to Horsetooth Reservoir for the experience of a lifetime with Fins der Fuhrer.

Ray Gilbert, 75, a former Naval submarine officer himself, has painstakingly and lovingly restored a Type IXC/40 German U-boat from World War II. He started the project when he was 30 but only finished it a couple of years ago.

“Yes, it did take awhile to complete; took a bit of money to do so also, and my wife was infinitely patient for the entire length of the project. It’s not like you can just fit the sub in your garage and start restoring. Heck, I even had to learn German in order to read some of the manuals that I found.”

While Mr. Gilbert attempted to find parts through contacts within both the United States and the European Union, most times it came down to using his own machinist, his best friend, Norman New, who was also at hand for the submarine’s voyages in Horsetooth.

“We took her out yesterday,” commented Mr. New, “and she’s running just fine. We don’t go too deep or too far just because we don’t have much of a crew and everything was restored according to strict standards. In other words, this baby does not run with an app or just a push of a button so we don’t want to push her too hard.”

So, does this mean that she will be available for rides to the public during the weekend tour? “Of course, that’s why we brought her out here!” exclaimed Mr. Gilbert.

The two are offering two types of rides: the full experience and the day-cruise. The full experience will have the submarine being submerged fully so that riders will get a feel for what it was like to be in a U-Boat, while the day-cruise will be riding outside. The latter will also perambulate the entire reservoir while the former will be half-out and then back. In between, to refit and refresh the sub, they will be doing short tours.

“To be able to accommodate both the submarine requirements and the fact that we will have civilian riders, we will be taking small groups. We will have a few more crew members as well but not a full complement,” said Mr. Gilbert.  “It squeezes real tight in a U-boat.  Besides that, some of the civvies just don’t pay attention!  Once when I was trying to submerge, someone flooded the batteries instead of the ballast tanks.”  A large plume of toxic chlorine gas ensued, ending tour operations for that day, Mr. Gilbert explained.  “Well, at least nobody got asphyxiated or badly injured.”

There is understandably a price difference between the two experiences as well as the tour. The day-cruise will be $2200 a person while the full experience is $5000 per person. The tour, which will feature the bridge, sleep quarters, gallery and radio room, is available at $430 per person. There is an age limit of 14 or older for all experiences and a legal waiver the size of a Papal Encyclical.

Surprisingly, there are already waiting lists for the two types of rides. “And we’re almost full for just the tours,” said Mr. New.  “I’m gonna have to get creative about the realism of the rides- ya know. Of course, U-Boats back then had no showers or laundry, so I’m thinking of adding a super BO and mold realism feature.”

Last question? “Of course, the guns work,” replied an exasperated Mr. Gilbert, referring to the 20 mm mount on the conning tower. “And we got the ammo for it too, in case the bomber pilots decide to play a re-enactment on us.”

Larimer County Assessor’s Office Winging It

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Property tax assessments for 2019 have raised quite a fuss in Larimer County since they arrived in residents’ mailboxes at the beginning of May. With the deadline for disputes drawing near, your intrepid reporter decided to speak with the office on how they created such a hullabaloo.

County spokesperson, Tre Brighter, had this to say, “Well, you see, the previous assessor created his own algorithm for assessment calculations. So, when he left, he took the equations with him, because, you know, intellectual property and all that.”

“To put it more precisely, we had to get something out and, like, fast so we sorta, kinda had to wing it.”

Apparently ‘winging it’ meant a combination of actual data and some rather inventive, and unorthodox, methods. “I don’t know how many other offices use our methods but I’m betting not many,” continued Brighter. What were these methods?

“Well, a Magic 8 ball, darts, a blindfold–you know for impartiality’s sake–and Pin-the-Zero on the House. Like I said, we had to wing it in order to get the new figures out in time for our deadline.”

The new assessment figures have caused quite a stir in Larimer county as indicated by a noticeable increase in disputes and a constant line of some angry property owners outside the county building.

Kevin Nouveau-Riche, a resident of Laporte, was furious. “You bet your ass I’m disputing!” he fumed while standing in front of his two-bedroom concrete bungalow. “How the hell did something I bought in 2016 for $250,000 end up coming in at $1.4 million. This piece of craptastic house ain’t worth that; it’s not like I live on Mountain [Avenue] in FoCo!!!”

Brighter wringed his hands when your reporter told him about Mr. Nouveau-Riche’s discrepancy. “Yeah, that was probably a Magic 8 ball prediction or Pin-the-Zero.”

Mr. Brighter did have this to say. “We’ll definitely be more prepared for the next assessment. Right now we’re using Monopoly to help us create the necessary equations for next time.” He paused, “Or are we using Sorry?”

Poudre River Gold Mine Reassures River Community: We’ll Only Pollute a Little Bit

in Business and Economics/Environment/Local Flavor by

After finding gold along the Poudre River, Trump Mining Corporation, a precious metals extraction company owned by none other than The Don himself addressed community members in Fort Collins, Greeley and all other municipalities that line our precious riverine resource.  In a Tweet, our president declared to the Poudre River community, “This is going to be the BEST gold mine EVER!!!  Fort Collins, Greeley, Laporte, Bellevue and all those places there are gonna be proud of this.”

These surprising developments however, have been met with fierce criticism.  FoCo environmental activist Fern Greene reached out to the Focopolitan Tribune and gave us a full interview.  “Gold mines are about the dirtiest, filthiest most environmentally degrading operations possible!  I’m so outraged that this fucking thing is even gonna open!  Do you know how much cyanide and mercury is used in the mining of gold?  Where’s it all gonna go?  And what is this all for?  To get some rich-ass people more fucking jewelry than they already have?  I’m sorry, but as a member of this community, I say, ‘no.’  Pollution of rivers and soil is the kind of thing that should only happen in countries where black and brown people live, not here!”

We at the Tribune managed to contact a spokesman from Trump Mining.  Aurelio Goldberg assured us, “Yeah, we do use mercury and cyanide in mining gold, but at least we have the river to take it away.  No problem there.  We just dump the stuff in the Poudre and away it goes…”  Horrified at such a flippant disregard for the environment, your reporter Ludwig Schnee asked about how this might effect the wildlife of the ecosystem to which Mr. Goldberg replied, “It’s gonna kill some fish, but so much the better.  All those anglers I see in the summer aren’t gonna need to pay a cent for those expensive waders, rods, bait or line.  They just need to go down and pluck ’em out; we did the hard part for them.”

Something tells us at the Trib that this can’t be the end of this…

I-25 High Speed Chase Catches Motorists by Surprise

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While police departments across the United States have been changing their policies regarding high-speed chases in urban areas, there are still instances of such follies upon the motorways. A recent incident on the north-south corridor of I-25 is a case in point.

Motorists traveling northbound on that section between Johnstown and Fort Collins witnessed the unusual occurrence. “I haven’t seen something like this since that right-wing bank robbery one on 285 [referring to a 1996 incident]!” gushed one excited young woman, who asked to remain anonymous.

Onlookers were treated to an exhilarating 45 MPH high-speed chase of one wanna-be Chevy Volt bandit followed by three police vehicles.

Another driver, 25-year-old Adam Summerfeld, who happened to be on the road, was amazed at the speed. “45 on I-25!?!?! Can you believe it? I wish that happened a lot more for just us regular drivers. I just got over to the right lane and let them do their thing. But it was a sight to see!” He walked off, muttering, “45! Man, 45!”

Police spokesman Colin O’Keefe acknowledged the irony of a “high-speed” chase being classified as anything else than an extreme speed. “Yes, the legal speed limit is 75 MPH but that rarely happens on I-25 anymore. So when we attempted to stop this person for a broken taillight and he took off, we had to step in. Eventually we clocked him at speeds up to 45 MPH! We didn’t expect that he would flee and then not follow requests to respectfully pull over.”

The police eventually barricaded the individual on the exit ramp for US-36 eastbound due to lack of volume at that particular location. “It was an emergency decision. We needed lots of room for the number of vehicles involved and in case he came barreling off the highway and a physical incident occurred,” intoned O’Keefe, “And that exit just doesn’t have lots of cars sometimes.”

The driver 46-year-old Ziggy Smith only had this to say in his defense. “Man, I just wanted to get home. I’d already been traveling from south Denver for over 2 hours.”

Shutdown Inspires DPS Teachers’ Strike

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Kyla Sandoval has been a teacher at DPS for 2 years.  A graduate of the University of Northern Colorado’s Education program, she has slaved away for a pittance at a crime-ridden, run-down high school (which shall remain anonymous).  As coach of the debate team, Ms. Sandoval has inspired her pupils to go beyond the “Fuck you!… No, fuck you!” exchanges typical of DPS debate clubs.  But for all her efforts, Ms. Sandoval has yet to be paid enough to cover rent and expenses without public assistance.  “Damn dude, it really sucks to be on SNAPs and have to do the whole LulaRoe routine when you already have a full time job!”  Kyla went on to explain how she has a veritable Pikes Peak in student loan debt.

Kyla’s story is one of many for teachers at DPS.  Is it any wonder that the teacher’s union is considering a strike?  Ms. Sandoval explained what was behind the putative strike, “I’ll be honest: I was truly inspired by the government shutdown, and I think teachers at Denver Public Schools (DPS) should follow the fine example that our president is giving us.  THAT’S why we like to use ‘Red for Ed;’ our president is of the party that has red as its color and he’s shutting everything down.  It’s like we’re the same or something… we just want to make enough bread to make a living and shit.”

Focopolitan Tribune reporter Buck Hummingbird interviewed the president of the PTA of said high school.  La’Tonya Jackson had this to say, “If this ‘Red for Ed’ thing happens, the education my kids gonna git is gonna have to be better than the education they git from watching daytime TV!” Ms. Jackson paused, “But it’s probably all gonna wind up just like our president: don’t do shit and nuthin’ git done!”

Although Denver’s “Red for Ed” movement has yet to initiate its strike, the claims have been heard loud and clear. Whether anybody will do jack shit about it, is another story…

Entrepreneur Proposes Cherry Picker for Control Tower for Local Airport

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With the recent addition of an American Airlines flight connecting the po-dunk city of Cheyenne, Wyoming to its major hub in Dallas, Texas, and thereon to anywhere around the world, Focopolitans and Lovelanders have a good reason for being butt-hurt.  How could a second-rate community like Cheyenne get a flight to someplace worth going to, while Northern Colorado Regional Airport (NCRAP) gets only occasional flights to Vegas, Phoenix or the obscure Illinois town of Rockford?

Enter new arrival Armando Torres.  A recent immigrant from Sinaloa, Mexico, Armando has massive experience in the fields of logistics and airstrip management.  “I have worked for more than 20 years managing private airfields.  Whether it’s a jungle in Colombia or a desert in Northern Mexico, when it comes to managing air traffic, cargo and airstrips, I’m an expert!  I used to manage a whole fleet of single-engined, propeller-driven cargo planes until the police came and took my previous employers to jail.”  He went on, “You guys here at NCRAP have a lot to work with: I mean, you guys actually have hangars and a PAVED RUNWAY!  That’s way more advanced than anything I’ve ever dealt with, and I moved stuff- I mean, a few dozen Cesnas a day for years, hombre!”

While NCRAP serves the Fort Collins-Loveland area and has in the past hosted flights by carriers such as Allegiant Air, it currently has no commercial flights to anywhere.  The reason given by the airlines is that the airport does not have a control tower.  But for Señor Torres, that is no impediment.  “No worries, esse!  Tell those cabrones at the FAA [Federal Aviation Administration] that I’ll jack up a cherry-picker as high as it goes, and that’s enough.  I’ll pay for it in cash- greenbacks.  You think I ever worked with a control tower back in Colombia?  In other words, as we say, ‘La garantia soy yo.’  The warranty is me.  We can get a flight started to Culiacan [Mexico] in no time flat!”  When we asked Sr. Torres about safety, he didn’t miss a beat, “No problem.  I’ll just tether myself with a sky hook.”

With such a spectacular resume, officials are loath to let Señor Torres get away. “This could solve all of the issues that we’re having in getting flights from the airport, no matter the destination,” proclaimed an anonymous airport official. “Plus, he’s willing to take on maintenance of the cherry-picker too!  It’s a grand deal.  The only concern I have is safety.  Mr. Torres admits to only a few mishaps, but his record-keeping is… let us say, a little South of the border.  Even so, nobody’s perfect, right?”

Mr. Torres and NCRAP have submitted plans to the Federal Aviation Administration.  Final approval is pending and a ruling expected this January.

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