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Coptus Interruptus at Warren Park Ruins Adulterous Couple’s Night, Marriages

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In and early morning undercover police operation, a law enforcement task force composed of personnel from Fort Collins Police Services, the Larimer County Sheriff’s Department and the Colorado State Police netted an adulterous couple in flagrantis delicto having sex in the back seat of a rented Honda Civic.  Fort Collins Police Services officer Hugh G. Rection interjected, commenting, “Party’s over, folks,” disappointing the couple who had never previously been handcuffed under law enforcement auspices.

“We have had various complaints from residents of the Warren Shores area about rocking cars, disposed condoms, loud moans coming from parked vehicles and a fishy smell wafting in from the parking lot.  Somebody had to do something about this.”  Police Chief Terry Jones said at a press conference in the aftermath of the imbroglio, “And now for something completely different.”

In a jailhouse interview with the adulterous couple identified as Roger Geldlieber of Chicago and Betty Humpter of Fort Collins, Mrs. Humpter recounted their evening as having begun with a dinner of Fizolli’s lasagna.  It continued with a shared drive-thru McFlurry before the couple left for a secluded parking lot.  “I told him that I wanted a hotel room, but he was too fucking cheap, as always!”  Locking themselves in the back seat area, things were getting heavy when Geldlieber realized he forgot the condoms in the glove compartment.  Unable to reach for them, and unable to put his clothes on in the dark, cramped back seat, he exited the vehicle to find police only feet away.

Officers promptly arrested the two and brought them to the Larimer County Jail for an overnight stay at your (the reader’s) expense.  In an act of grace, officers helped the couple to get dressed, handcuffed as they were.

Geldlieber had nothing to say other than, “I’m posting bail for myself.  You’re on your own, honey,” referring to Humpter.  Humpter replied, “Just keep your cheap ass away from me; what type of miser orders a McFlurry for a romantic interlude?”

Followup note: This arrest expedited divorce proceedings between Humpter and her husband as well as Geldlieber and his wife.

Republican Gubernatorial Candidate: Teachers Aren’t Poorly Paid, Just Badly Married

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In a bizarre Facebook post, dissident Colorado Republican gubernatorial candidate, Warren “Spud” Douglas has taken a position on the recent teacher walkouts and protests that have occurred over the last two months in Colorado and other states. Douglas stated,

“As true Republicans, we should be no friends of government, and we don’t believe that government can do anything as well as the private sector. Our schools are the best example of that. Therefore, if we are going to be ideologically honest with ourselves and our base, the best thing we can do is to de-fund this failing program which does nothing other than squeeze the taxpayer and churn out mediocre human material. Thank God and Doug Bruce for TABOR, which limits the spending of government, including our schools. On top of that, teachers know and have always known what their profession pays, so if teachers tell me they’re poorly paid, I just tell them, ‘You’re not poorly paid, just badly married.’”

We at the Focopolitan Tribune were floored at reading this. We reached Mr. Douglas, and asked him to clarify what he said. We also reminded him that arguably the best time for American public education was in the years following the Soviet Union’s launch of the satellite Sputnik. The launching of that satellite prompted the Republican (yes, Republican!) Eisenhower-administration to pump federal money through the bi-partisan National Defense Education Act into public schools in support of science, technology, engineering and mathematics education. The result was a flourishing of American STEM over the following decade, which culminated in the 1968 moon landing. Douglas responded, “Eisenhower was a traitor to the GOP! He might as well have been our Petain and our Quisling rolled into one! I don’t care what people say happened to public education after the passage of the unconstitutional NDEA. What Ike did was treason to the Republican cause. Oh, yeah and that moon landing was a hoax. I read all about it on the internet, so that kind of nullifies whatever supposed achievement we got from the NDEA.”

Covering the teacher demonstrations at the State Capitol, Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee contacted a professional educator for comment on Mr. Douglas’ declarations, and this is what Kyla Hernandez had to say, “Are you kidding me? First off, I’m not even married, so I can’t be badly married. Besides that, this idea of taking funding away from schools because they’re failing is kind of like taking cops off the street when crime becomes a problem. I’d like to see if that’s gonna happen. What in the hell are these people thinking? If that’s how people are going to keep treating this state’s educators, they’d better expect more walkouts. Goddam, I thought [Governor John] Hickenlooper was bad on education. It just goes to show: nothing is so bad that some asshole of an ideologue can’t possibly make it worse. Geeze, people! Are you really speaking for yourselves or is your politics speaking for you? Do your voters a favor: get your heads out of your ever-loving asses, and think about the people you represent! We’re taxpayers too, and we demand you do better than what you’ve done. Is that too hard to grasp?”

Civil War Reenactors Cause Delays at Denver International Airport

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Dusty Chivington and his wife, Betsy, were on the layover part of their flight. The 17-years married couple, who are civil war re-enactors from Minnesota, were on their way to participate in the annual Festa Confederada, an annual celebration held in Santa Bárbara d’Oeste, Brazil to commemorate and celebrate Southern culture. It is held around April 26, Confederacy Day in the United States.

While the couple had no trouble in their home state, they soon wreaked havoc at the security line at Denver International Airport. The trouble first began with a saber.

A TSA x-ray technician spotted the sword as Dusty placed it on the conveyor belt for the scanner. When asked if it was a weapon, the reply was negative. “It is an historical artifact,” offered Dusty. Skeptical, the official placed a hand on the offending item only to be rebuffed by an emphatic neigh. Dusty’s horse, Binky, standing behind his owner, appeared to be upset.

“Is that real?” was the only response the TSA technician could get out with no one quite knowing whether he was referring to the horse or the saber.

“He’s my emotional support animal,” Dusty explained, “He has to travel with me all the time; I even have a doctor’s note explain’ the situation. He did perfectly fine on the first flight; he’s a good horse and I even clean up after him if need be.” Mr. Chivington showed reporter Buck Hummingbird the industrial sized plastic bags he carries with him at all times just in case Binky has an accident. Also with him was a 50 lb. bag of oats, a bale of hay, and all the gear needed to ride. “It all fits in the overhead compartment,” Dusty proudly offered.

The Denver officials balked at the presence of a horse in the security line but, “They only noticed once me and Binky were waiting in line for the X-ray thingies,” said Dusty.

Meanwhile Betsy was having her own problems with security. True to form, the couple had decided to dress up for the occasion, Dusty in his grey-colored uniform and Betsy in a hoop skirt. Such skirts were not made to easily fit through an airport security scanner and the poor woman became trapped when the sides of the scanner twisted her skirts around her, causing the machine to jam.

Ms. Hummingbird interviewed Betsy through one of the windows as firefighter personnel attempted to free her. “We are quite proud of our heritage. Dusty grew up in Georgia, while my Daddy was from there. When we heard that there was a celebration of Southern culture, complete with barbecue, dancing and hoop skirts, we had to be a part of it, no matter where it is located! It’s my first time traveling outside the United States,” Betsy added.

DIA spokesman, David Bragg, was left speechless. “I really, REALLY don’t know what to say. How the hell did that horse even make it on the first flight?” he muttered to himself.

Other expectant passengers were a little more peeved. “The fuck you bringing a horse on a plane for?” yelled a man dressed in a ‘Hillbilly Treasure’ T-shirt, cut-off jean shorts and flip-flops. “No self-respecting woman should ever dress in that!” another passenger yelled. Extra TSA personnel had to be called to the South terminal screening area as the scanning machine had to be shut-down for extensive repairs and those passengers shuffled into line for the other three.

David Bragg did say one thing, “Criminal charges? Who the hell knows…”

As your reporter found out later, Dusty and Betsy Chivington, along with Binky, made their flight.

 

Boulder Hippies Conscript Native Americans for Help in Moisture Dance

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To help entice Mother Nature in this time of oppressive heat and extreme drought, self-appointed hippies have decided to hold a moisture dance in downtown Boulder near the Pearl Street mall.

Reporter Buck Hummingbird met up with members as they were finishing a rehearsal. Group advisor Summer Tingle explained, “We must be inclusive of all types of precipitation, not just rain, which means this is a moisture dance and not a ‘rain dance,’ okay? Mother Nature needs to know that we aren’t discriminatory because if we use too exclusive of a name, she might not bless us.”

 “Since there isn’t a movement-type of prayer built into Christianity or any of the other monotheistic religions, we had to reach out to the Native American population of Colorado to help us ensure the success of our undertaking. From which deity to make supplications to; to the types of prayers to be uttered; to subtle hand movements, we needed guidance!” intoned Ms. Tingle.

As Ms. Tingle related the group found that guidance from the recently re-introduced Soapstone Prairie Indian Reintroduction Project (see Focopolitan Tribunearticle from May of 2017), which occurred in tandem with the highly successful Soapstone Prairie Bison Reintroduction Project in Larimer County. “We were required to actually drive our hybrids out to Soapstone to do our rehearsals.  The senior naturalists explained that you can’t just let the Indians leave the habitat lest the bison lose their highest-order predators.”

A small committee decided upon choreography and music selection and rehearsals were held at Soapstone until recently. But when it came to the dress rehearsals, the committee decided to move them to Boulder. As dance participant Autumn Beach explained, “We needed to get the feel of Pearl Street. I mean, people walk it everyday but dancing on it is new and so we had to see what we were going to stir up. I was afraid of something untoward reaching through the ether but so far, we have been accepted.”

As for the Native Americans, the committee conscripted them into not only being the directors but also as participants in the main event. During a transition moment, one dancer, identifying himself as Yawing Coyote Pratt, stood off to the side and commented, “Damn if I know what a moisture dance is but I finally get to go shopping! Shit, you have no idea how long I’ve have been waiting for this!” He gleefully eyed the array of merchandise that could be found at the mall.

The dance will be held at the next instance of Mercury and Venus crossing each other. All peace-loving people are invited to observe.

“Even if we have rain before the dance, we will continue the event but as more of a thank-you rather than a plea,” finished Ms. Tingle as participant members collected their belongings and left for their Priuses and bicycles.

Ms. Tingle is also hosting a communal drum-circle after the dance for general healing purposes and as a call for prayer for peace.

Invocation of “White Privilege” Fails to Free Area Man from Arrest

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Last Tuesday night began and ended very differently for two citizens of our beloved city. For officer Karen Miller, the evening began with coffee at a coffee shop on Drake and Lemay for the beginning of her night shift. For CSU student Anthony Wells, it began bar-hopping in Old Town. Wells’ and Miller’s evenings intersected a few minutes before midnight near the Andersonville neighborhood of East Fort Collins. As officer Miller recounted, “We (the police) were called about a car stopped at a green light on the Northbound lane of Lemay Avenue at the intersection of Vine Drive. I turned on the blue lights, and what did I see: A 2010 VW Jetta with the driver asleep at the wheel! A nearby resident told us that a train had been passing on the tracks, and that the driver fell asleep as the train maneuvered. It didn’t take long for us to find out that the subject was clearly what we would call legally drunk- you know, from the booze-stink vomit on the dashboard.”

With the help of backup officers, Miller manhandled the driver whom the officer soon enough identified as being 22-year old Anthony Wells, of Fort Collins, out of his vehicle, cuffing him and placing him in the back of officer Miller’s squad car. What ensued was a surreal and non-sensical rambling of an imbecile that amazingly didn’t get better even after Mr. Wells got sober. As officer Miller recalled, after dropping Mr. Wells off at the Larimer County Jail, “He just kept on mumbling something about white privilege. Well, he’s gonna find out pretty quick in the sneezer that being white doesn’t free you from being drunk… or dumb.”

At a hung-over jailhouse interview, Mr. Wells, who is a student majoring in Ethnic Studies at Colorado State University seethed, “What on earth is this?! I can’t believe it! I got arrested?! This can’t happen-only people of color get arrested! All I did was drink one too many tequilas and shit. This is so unjust! I hereby invoke my Constitutionally-guaranteed right to white privilege! WHITE PRIVILEGE, WHITE PRIVILEGE!” Jail guards quickly subdued him saying, “Save it for the judge.”

After the defendant posted bond, reporter Ludwig Schnee continued the interview with Mr. Wells, offering him an aspirin and some water. “Yeah, totally. I can’t believe the audacity of these police! How dare they arrest me? I’m like totally gonna get a lawyer for my court hearing, and I’m gonna plead not guilty by reason of race. Let’s see a jury convict me! I don’t care if my blood alcohol level was .21. That doesn’t stop me from being a white male- the top of the heap, baby! Oh, say… can you lend me $250 to get my car back? It got towed or something.” Your reporter politely declined.

In other law-enforcement news, the City of Fort Collins has hired Jeffrey Swoboda, who previously worked as chief of police in Elgin, IL, as the new permanent Chief of Police. He will be replacing interim Chief of Police Terry Jones, who previously worked as a comic, best known for his role in the Monty Python comedy troupe. The Focopolitan Tribune was unable to reach Jeffrey Swoboda, but we did reach Mr. Jones. Asked to comment on his looming transition, Jones replied, “And now, for something completely different.” And then he played John Phillip Souza’s “Liberty Bell March.”

ALL SUSPECTS ARE CONSIDERED INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY IN A COURT OF LAW

NGO Addresses “Beer Deserts” in Blighted Northern Colorado

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We have all heard of “food deserts”, spots where healthy, nutritious food choices are unavailable. But hardly any attention is given to the equally serious matter of beer deserts—whole streets or neighborhoods where no craft breweries, no bars, no liquor stores, exist at all.  Sadly, the nearby community of Loveland, Colorado is no stranger to this heartbreaking phenomenon.
Focopolitan Tribune reporter, Jollie Thresher, spoke to a trapped resident in a particularly blighted suburb in western Loveland. “I am forced to drive my Volt for miles to find a decent brew,” avowed Tyler Kaluptchik, standing in the yard of his 5-bedroom, 4-bathroom Cape Cod style home. “The concentration of beer gardens and breweries in certain privileged areas of Northern Colorado is just unfair.  This is just another manifestation of systemic discrimination against the geographically dispossessed.  Why didn’t the city planners think of this when they approved this development?”
In fact, Mr. Kaluptchik’s situation is grave indeed. The only beer within a 7-mile radius of his home is the 3.2% variety found at convenience stores near the interstate-a choice of two mass-produced, un-hoppy, generic types of tipple. “I don’t care if both my options [of bad beer] are brewed in Colorado.  It’s all horse piss!  Shit, you gotta drink at least a six-pack to even get a buzz!” said Kaluptchik.  “We live in a void of beer-diversity.  To give you an idea, there are 61 microbreweries in Denver, about a dozen in Boulder, 21 in Fort Collins.  We only have eight here in Loveland!  Even cowtown USA, Greeley has more than we do.  We have so few, we’re the beer orphans of Colorado.  In my side of Loveland, we’re completely surrounded by no beer!” He exclaimed, his voice quivering, fighting to keep from shedding tears.
The Sudsgoode Foundation, a 501(3)c non-profit, is stepping in to alleviate this calamity. They are increasing the focus on such beer-impoverished areas and lobbying the Loveland City Council to include one craft-brewer permit per new residential development, beginning next year. “Beer in Colorado is a fundamental right for all citizens,” stated Amy Roote-Bachuss, a spokesperson. “We can no longer tolerate the beer anxiety that plagues the forgotten communities of Northern Colorado. And just imagine the fuel we could save, if all our citizens lived within walking distance of a brewery! Land Rovers, Hummers and Lexuses use a lot of gas!”
Another effort sponsored by the Sudsgoode Foundation is the Beer Bank, a volunteer-led effort featuring a visit by truck of one of the Fort Collins breweries. This allows residents of beer deserts to come out and purchase enough beer to get them through the few days it takes for the truck to do its next run—though the Foundation sees this as a mere stopgap. “Carrying out these ideas costs money,” Roote-Bachuss added. “We are always fundraising, and welcome your donations. We will send all donors free return-address labels with pictures of pints on them.”
Aspiring city councilman, Bob Silverton, is sympathetic to the plight of the beer-less of Loveland. Hoping to run on a platform of “Land, Peace, Beer,” Mr. Silverton proposed, “I am willing to sacrifice for the city of Loveland to address this problem. I would propose a small ‘Beer Improvement Fee’ in the city tax code to help boost interest amongst entrepreneurs, who would get city block-grants for the purpose of opening brew pubs… come to think of it, maybe I should apply.”

Science Denial Conference Ends in Riot

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At a conference of science deniers last weekend, hosted by no less an institution than the Colorado School of Mines, representatives from CU Boulder’s Gender Science Department and Colorado Springs College of the Bible’s Geology Department literally came to blows over what subjects to exclude, and which to include, under the greater body of knowledge of Science.  While each touted pre-dispositions of ideology as taking primacy over verifiable truth, both sides paid lip-service to the scientific method, but only in support of their pre-ordained notions.

Gender vapid spokeshuman for CU Boulder’s Gender Science Department Dr. Wagglesnicks, commented, “Gender is nothing more than a social construct created by an oppressive white-supremacist capitalist patriarchy!  I don’t care what DNA says, we at CU have recognized no less than 72 different genders, and any person can flow from one to any one OR MORE of the others at any time, for any reason, including no reason at all.  However, we assert that a preponderance of evidence in the geological as well as the biological record shows that the earth is some 2.6 billion years old, and that we evolved from single-celled organism to apes over the course of hundreds of thousands of years and then evolved into homo sapiens like you and xus [a form of the second-person plural pronoun]. Anyone who disagrees with that assertion is at best a fool, and at worst, a nefarious peddler of pseudo science.”

After Dr. Wagglesnicks’ fiery opening statement, the spokesman for Colorado Springs College of the Bible, Reverend Cleatus Crowley angrily declared, “Don’t y’all call me no homo!  I’m not like you; I read Leviticus and I obey it!  As for this nonsense of the earth being 2.6 million years old, now THAT’S a bunch of baloney.  How do I know?  It’s in the Bible!  God said it, and God doesn’t lie.  Here are some truths that I can tell you: we’re just short of 6000 years old, God made the Earth in six days, and He made man from mud.  Then, he made woman from Adam’s rib.  That’s why men have one rib fewer than women.  Now THAT’S valid science.  As for this gender nonsense…well, it’s just nonsense.  Be a man or be a woman, and that’s it.  Just ask a police detective when there’s DNA at a crime scene, the first thing they tell you is whether it’s from a man or a woman.”

At this exchange, Wagglesnicks retorted even more angrily, “Homo sapiens is binomial nomenclature for human being- a basic term of biological categorization! And, when police collect DNA evidence from crime scenes, and they tell you that it’s a male or a female, they’re not using basic terms of categorization, they’re acting from unconscious bias that we at the Gender Science Department categorically denounce and repudiate. Anyone who disagrees with us is an oppressive member of the fascist patriarchy which has asserted its power to keep down the disadvantaged and marginalized.”

At this point, witnesses describe a descent into violence atypical for the School of Mines campus.  While it is unclear who started it, fists flew as did chairs.  After extensive hurling of insults and missiles, campus security was called in.  Amid loud chants of, “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!” in reference to TV personality and talk show host Jerry Springer by amused students and passersby, the fracas was finally disentangled and arrests were made.

The Focopolitan Tribune managed to contact a spokesman for the Colorado School of Mines.  Dr. Farouk Ikani had the following to say, “How in God’s good name did we ever give these people permission to have their ridiculous conference here?  This is a SCIENCE college, not a battleground for the ideologically possessed!  Both sides need to spend their time in the can and get some sense kicked into them!  To the CU fuckwits out there: you’re born with a gender.  If you don’t like it, fine!  Choose the other gender, and maybe get a sex-change operation.  Then be happy with it, but don’t go around telling me that there are 72 different gender pronouns and you can turn from one into another and then feel insulted when I call you by the wrong one!  As for you religious nut jobs, get your heads out of your ever-loving asses.  I thought I saw the worst of you at the Creation Museum in Kentucky! Both of you need to realize this: Science is real, and you approach it by studying the evidence and then coming to a conclusion, not the other way around. Instead what you’re both doing is having your ideology possess you, instead of you possessing your ideology!”

Reverend Crowley and Dr. Wagglesnicks, among others, are currently being held at the Jefferson County jail on multiple counts ranging from: battery, disturbing the peace, assault, reckless endangerment, and others.  Reverend Crowley is in the men’s ward, and it is unclear where Dr. Wagglesnicks is as officials are debating where to house xim [the third-person singular].

Biker Gang Clubhouse to Open in Place of Closed Bisetti’s

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This past January 31st, Focopolitan mourners carried a mock coffin from Bisetti’s restaurant all the way to Grandview Cemetery, FoCo’s poshest, most exclusive burial ground, in a requiem for that beloved staple of Fort Collins dining. Marching to Frederic Chopin’s Marche Funebre, and under the lugubrious light of a super blue blood moon, the people shared their memories of the times they had at the four decades-long institution. After hearing about the: many dates, wedding receptions, business deals, bar/bat/bax (for the transgender Jew) mitzvahs and meals that folks had there, people invariably asked, “So what’s gonna go in there now?”

It wasn’t a half hour after the doors of our beloved Bisetti’s closed for good, that a sign went up announcing the soon-to-be open new establishment: a local, biker bar. Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee happened to be passing by when some of the new tenant-cum-patrons of the space were unloading wrenches, power tools, oil pans, bottles of booze, and various-sized boxes that read “Harley Davidson” on them. One of the leather-bound, burly men carrying parts into the closed Bisetti’s took the time to speak with Schnee. “We’re coming in here in order to have a place to gather at, booze it up, raise hell and change the oil of our Harleys.”

The Focopolitan Tribune crew attempted contact with various concerned institutions from neighboring stores to security services to umbrella business organizations, inquiring about the opening of the new establishment and got a surprising degree of positive feedback. In an email, one member of the Business Organization of Old Town (BOOT) stated, “People talk so much about diversity here, but nobody ever does much, so we would like to invite the new owners to our next luncheon. We would love to have one of them on our board of directors. That would sure bring some diversity to our community.” While some were concerned that the biker gang is part of the Hell’s Angels, the group is actually a local phenomenon calling itself Phuck the Poudre. Why they opted for such a name is unclear, but we hope to inform our readers of that sometime in the near future.

The Trib crew were unable to contact Fort Collins Police Services officially, but a passing security-for-hire officer spoke anonymously, “Hell, yeah! Finally we can get some action here other than canning bums and slamming drunk college students onto the pavement! These guys are actually gonna keep me, the police, the jail and the courts in business!” College students themselves seemed enthused. A CSU sociology major, Colleen Middleton, had this to say, “It’s so exciting; can’t wait to see the place up and running!” A small squeal ensured.

Tim Ashbury, the owner of the bar, and its bartender, seemed pleased with himself. As he stood in front of the entrance, he smiled. “Now this is a proper place for a bar; right in the fuck sakes of things! I can’t believe no one’s tried this before me.” As he stared up at the building, he had this aside to Schnee. “Gonna have to white-trash up this awning though.

North Korean-themed Restaurant Keeps it Real With Not-So-Secret Ingredient

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Fort Collins’ foodie scene is one of the nation’s most diverse.  But when Seung-Hui Kim, aka Tommy Kim opened Pyongyang Palete, Colorado got its first ever North Korean eatery.

Mr. Kim, originally from Seoul, South Korea purports to be a North Korea aficionado and a great admirer of the Kim Dynasty, which has ruled North Korea since 1945.  When asked to comment about his restaurant, he said, “10,000 years of life to the Great General Kim Jong-Un and long live the DPRK (Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, as North Korea is officially called) and the memory of the dear leader, Kim Jong-Un and the Great Leader Kim il-Sung.  My intentions are to bring the superior cultural cuisine of the great land to the pitiful imperialist shithole which is Northern Colorado.  Though our menu is heavy on naengmyeon (buckwheat noodles, usually served cold) dishes, we have specialty gogi-gui (typical Korean barbecue), with a special local ingredient.”  He winked at your stunned reporters.  Offering reporter Buck Humingbird a bowl of what appeared to be stew, Ms. Humminbird politely stuck to the buckwheat noodles.  When pressed about the secret ingredient to his infamous gogi-gui Mr. Kim referred to the Fort Collins Coloradoan’s article from Dec. 31st which noted the abandonment of around 100 domesticated rats at the Prospect Ponds Nature Area.

“The people of DPRK are a resourceful bunch, and they’ll eat anything that has legs except for a table, and anything that has wings, except for an airplane.  This includes such capitalist cast-offs as rats, and such capitalist pets as dogs.  Incidentally, the Larimer County Humane Society has totally blackballed me, and these animal rights wankers keep boycotting my joint and giving me all kinds of shit.  In any case, if your own farm or ranch property ever has a prairie dog problem, drop me a line!”

Although the food is definitely distinct and quite different from what is usually on hand in FoCo, it was surprisingly awful. A line of people still stood on the sidewalk an hour after your reporters sat down, though it is imagined that this may turn into a line of animal rights picketers before long. While the naengmyeon is palatable, don’t try the “secret” jeongol if you have cat allergies nor the “nuclear North” noodles unless you like your hair to stand on end. Up-to-date life and health insurance recommended especially when trying “Chongjin Choice,” which features the aforementioned special ingredient.

Bird Nuisance Plagues Old Town Lights

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There are many local traditions here in Fort Collins that are beloved by residents, and visitors, alike. During this season the Old Town Christmas lights are one such happening. While the Lighting Ceremony went off grandly, this year officials are being plagued by a new nuisance that seems intent on making sure that the lights stay off.

“It’s a stupid parrot,” grumbled one official to FoCo Tribune reporter, Buck Hummingbird, as the two stood at the intersection of College and Mountain. “We’re used to having replace lights and possibly reposition strands because of wind and such but this fucking bird…”

The brightly-colored avian menace has taken it upon himself to single-handedly try and destroy the Old Town lights.

“I don’t know if he’s pissed off about the lights at night or we put a strand too close to his nest but he is one determined little piece of….THERE HE IS!” The official took off running.

Apparently, the Lighting Committee has had a hard time trying to catch the flying destroyer even with near-constant surveillance and the position of strategically placed bird traps.

So, what is the parrot doing?

“He’s a smart one. He knows how to twist individual lights off; he just pops’em off and flies off with the light to who knows where. He’ll finish off a set of flights in minutes like this! He’s also repositioning strands; figures he’ll probably kill himself if he bites through them so he just kicks’em away. And don’t even get me started on how encrusted he makes light strands with his poop.” The actions leave dark spots in an otherwise perfect tableau of light, while also costing the city money to replace the missing bulbs.

“We even had an incident where a biker got twisted up in a strand he had managed to move.” This was the event that precipitated the Committee’s action to rid Old Town of the parrot.

He has become a delight for tourists who seemed concerned that the cold weather may harm the fellow. Your intrepid reporter stood by a group who tried to get selfies while he sat preening himself on a cool, sunny weekend afternoon.

“Isn’t he adorable?” gushed one woman from Pennsylvania. “You don’t see many free-flying birds like that in Colorado I bet. Will he be okay when it snows? I mean he’s not from around here obviously so where does he go when it gets cold?”

Committee officials have teamed up with biology experts from CSU and animal rights activists, as well as local volunteers, to try and catch the bird.

Julie Harmful, one of the activists, had this to say, “We’re concerned that he’ll hurt himself but also that someone may hurt him as well. We want to be able to get him away to a warmer place where he can be taken care of as we near colder temperatures. Everyone is concerned about him and rightfully so.”

Missing bird posters have also been placed in vet offices and pet stores throughout the city in the hopes that he is actually someone’s pet that accidentally escaped. Julie teared up, “He’s probably missing his carer.”

Officials would just be happy to be rid of what is becoming an expensive menace.

“I mean seriously,” replied the official as he returned from trying to catch the parrot, “what the hell did we do to him that he goes after the lights?”

The parrot did not return your reporter’s inquiries.

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