Monthly archive

June 2018

[Editors’ Op-Ed] Wyoming, Colorado Lawmakers Conspire in Sensless Laws Concerning Ganja, Fireworks

in Business and Economics/Local Flavor/Politics by

This 4th of July, people in Colorado and Wyoming will celebrate 242 years of declared independence from the United Kingdom.  For as far back as living memory serves us, Americans of all colors, sexes, classes, creeds, races, ethnicities, sexual orientations, gender identities, food intolerances, regions, political affiliations, intersectionalities (and more) have celebrated the national holiday by lighting, launching and exploding fireworks of all kinds.  This year though, city councils from Fort Collins, Longmont, Boulder and on down the interstate and into the mountains, have disallowed any use of fireworks by private individuals.  Fines for such violations start at $1000 according to a sign on South College Avenue here in FoCo.  That having been said, in Colorado you can at least light up a spliff and forget about such insipid laws and the morons who write them with the delightful buzz of some good Moroccan Black, Kingston Super Skunk, Sumatra Gold or the usual Maui-Maui.

Conversely in Wyoming, so long as it’s not inside Cheyenne city limits due to a ban, one can buy any and all kinds of fireworks and light ’em off anywhere.  But, if you’re thinking of rolling the old joint, lighting up some weed, and getting high off your bong, you had better think twice, ’cause the reefer is still illegal in the Cowboy State.

We actually spoke with two people on either side of the Colorado-Wyoming border, and asked them about the reasoning for such laws.  Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee tracked down Longmont City councilman Ben Dover, a lifelong Democrat, and this is what he had to say, “Of course we ban fireworks within city limits- that can blow off a limb and cause forest fires- even in the city.  And no, we don’t think ANYONE- adult or child is sensible enough to shoot off fireworks safely in our city, not even in a concrete parking lot adjacent to a lake!  On the other hand, we believe ganja is harmless, so if you want to light up, have at it.  I mean, who are we to tell you how to live your life?”

A Republican Wyoming state legislator, who requested anonymity, had this to say, “In Wyoming, we like to live the libertarian life.  I’ll do my thing and you do yours.  So if you want to buy and set off fireworks, be my guest.  Just be careful, don’t damage other peoples’ property and don’t be a nuisance.  On the other hand, we keep marijuana illegal because it’s dangerous.  Have you ever seen [the 1936 film] Reefer Madness?  It’s dangerous to you, to me and to anyone who uses it.  Everybody knows it’s a gateway drug, and it fucks up your brain and shit.  If you have any doubts about that, just go to Pearl Street in Boulder and look at people.”

The editing staff of the Focopolitan Tribune as well as our head writers got together to opine on this matter.  We have concluded that legislators from both sides of the border meet in a smoke-filled room, together with overseers from: the Illuminati, local representatives of world Jewish banking, the Annunaki, Focus on the Family, aliens and Freemasons, to conspire to pass laws like these JUST TO FUCK WITH US!!

Organizers to Relocate Greeley Stampede to Boulder, Citing Stink, Diversity

in Arts and Entertainment/Business and Economics/Local Flavor by

In a press release the organizers of the annual rodeo tournament known as the Greeley Stampede announced that they will be moving the event to the up-market community of Boulder, some 40 miles to the West.  Spokeswoman Stormy Ryder of the Stampede granted an interview to Trib reporter Ludwig Schnee.  “The problem with Greeley is that it stinks to high hell!  I heard there’s a feedlot there, and that’s what makes the place reek enough to gag a rodeo clown.  So, we’re moving our show to Boulder.  On top of that, it appears that our concession stands are selling way too many snacks that have entirely too much salt, sugar and fat.  Barbecued ribs, cotton candy and fried crap will give you diabetes, clog your arteries and give you a heart attack.  In short, we’re killing our fans- slowly and painfully.  We’re calling it quits on that.  The Boulder community, with its foodies and organic vegetable suppliers are sure to offer our fans much healthier snacks.  Who doesn’t crave organic kale salads, non-GMO tofu or carrot juice smoothies while watching a cowboy get bucked by a wild bronco?”

It appears the Stampede organizers also want to change the demographics of their audience, “Our fans have for too long been predominantly rural, working-class, conservative and Caucasian- precisely the kind of people that are on the downturn in America today.  We need to be hip and appeal to a more diverse audience; this year, we started out the transition by bringing [African-American country singer] Darius Rucker, but next year, we’re planning on having [rapper] Jay-Z.  Not only that, but seriously, how much money can you make off of broke-ass white people from the boonies of Poo-Dunk, USA?  Don’t those folks blow all their money on cigarettes, cheap beer and meth?  If we’re gonna be true America-loving capitalists, and make some real bucks, we gotta appeal to the folks with the dough: hipster liberal, urban types who think they’re diverse.  What’s the ‘Numero Uno’ place for that here in Colorado?  Boulder, of course, though Fort Collins isn’t too far behind.  Lastly, we want to break the hetero/cis-normative, stigma of the hyper-macho sport of rodeo, and become fully inclusive of the LGBTQ+ community of Northen Colorado.  Again, what’s the epicenter of that in the Centennial State?”

In other news, area restaurants, construction sites and landscaping businesses have suffered record-high absenteeism, with workers calling in sick a day after Mexico’s 2-1 win over South Korea in a World Cup Soccer qualifier.  Liquor stores also report record-high sales of Tecate, Corona and Dos Equis beers as well as tequilas of all kinds.

Coptus Interruptus at Warren Park Ruins Adulterous Couple’s Night, Marriages

in Local Flavor by

In and early morning undercover police operation, a law enforcement task force composed of personnel from Fort Collins Police Services, the Larimer County Sheriff’s Department and the Colorado State Police netted an adulterous couple in flagrantis delicto having sex in the back seat of a rented Honda Civic.  Fort Collins Police Services officer Hugh G. Rection interjected, commenting, “Party’s over, folks,” disappointing the couple who had never previously been handcuffed under law enforcement auspices.

“We have had various complaints from residents of the Warren Shores area about rocking cars, disposed condoms, loud moans coming from parked vehicles and a fishy smell wafting in from the parking lot.  Somebody had to do something about this.”  Police Chief Terry Jones said at a press conference in the aftermath of the imbroglio, “And now for something completely different.”

In a jailhouse interview with the adulterous couple identified as Roger Geldlieber of Chicago and Betty Humpter of Fort Collins, Mrs. Humpter recounted their evening as having begun with a dinner of Fizolli’s lasagna.  It continued with a shared drive-thru McFlurry before the couple left for a secluded parking lot.  “I told him that I wanted a hotel room, but he was too fucking cheap, as always!”  Locking themselves in the back seat area, things were getting heavy when Geldlieber realized he forgot the condoms in the glove compartment.  Unable to reach for them, and unable to put his clothes on in the dark, cramped back seat, he exited the vehicle to find police only feet away.

Officers promptly arrested the two and brought them to the Larimer County Jail for an overnight stay at your (the reader’s) expense.  In an act of grace, officers helped the couple to get dressed, handcuffed as they were.

Geldlieber had nothing to say other than, “I’m posting bail for myself.  You’re on your own, honey,” referring to Humpter.  Humpter replied, “Just keep your cheap ass away from me; what type of miser orders a McFlurry for a romantic interlude?”

Followup note: This arrest expedited divorce proceedings between Humpter and her husband as well as Geldlieber and his wife.

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