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Environment

Op. Ed.: Wildlands Fires is All We F***ing Need!

in Environment/Local Flavor by

Colorado has had a very hard time lately.  We have seen a plandemic, police slayings of black men in custody, race riots, calls to de-fund the police and (surprise, surprise) a growing wave of run-of-the-mill crime.  As a result of the pandemic, we are also seeing a full one-third drop in our GDP, and a resulting start of an asset bubble that can only go CABOOM some time in the not-too-distant future.  As if all that weren’t enough, we’re also having a presidential campaign that would make Jerry Springer look like William F. Buckley.  Let me ask the readers of this august newspaper the following question: what would be the cherry on top of this warm, nasty, diarreah-shit sundae?

Enter fire season!  Like your asshole uncle at Thanksgiving Dinner showing up shit-faced drunk with his attitude, fire season has arrived to fuck with our lives when we least need it.  For five months and counting, Coloradans have not had any good reason to leave home, and now there is even less.  If being unemployed, broke, disappointed at our own communities and country were not enough for us not to get out and about, we now risk choking on soot and smoke!

All this shit has made us at the Trib think: we’ve got the cherry on top of this turd sundae.  All we need now is another mass shooting, and it’ll be complete with sprinkles on top.

Wildlife Field Work Ends in Grill-off

in Environment by

Hiking at Lory State Park this last Saturday afternoon, your reporter chanced upon a merry band of wildlife biology students at the picnic tables.  Seeing the festive, joyous band of youngsters, your reporter approached and noticed they were grilling.  This, at least on the surface, seemed rather unremarkable…  Except when your reporter, otherwise having a grand old time not working, inquired about their presence.  One junior who asked not to be named sheepishly replied, “Uuuhhh… we’re wildlife biology students on field work.  We were supposed to just catalogue and classify all species of wild birds here, which we did… but we kinda got hungry and decided to do a little grilling…with a few subjects of our studies.  Seriously, why should we let perfectly good, tasty cormorants go to waste when nature gives us this delicacy?”

She went on, “You know, our prof kinda turned a blind eye to us.  Either that or she just didn’t notice the shotgun, birdshot, spices, the camping grill and the propane tank we toted along with us on our way to Lory [State Park].”  Another student interjected, “Or the keg of beer.”

Apparently the co-incidence of a field expedition at the same time of college football primetime caused resentment among the students who obviously showed tremendous ingenuity at taking matters into their own hands.  “You know, nature just gives us SO much to choose from!  Just here we have geese, ducks, rabbits and our VERY favorite: cormorants!  Here, have a try.”  Your reporter politely declined.  She continued, “C’mon, don’t be snooty!  This is better for you than the nasty chickens that Swift and Company gorges with GMO feeds and stuffs with growth hormones.”  Your reporter grudgingly tased the grilled cormorant, regretting the experience immediately.

Even though this expedition was strictly a bird cataloguing trip, it appeared that the students also had a taste for rabbit meat.  “Here!  We’re grilling a wild rabbit too.  This one’s a little tough and gamey, but it sure beats the ones that the CDC does bubonic plague research on.  They think that they dispose of them, but… hey, waste not, want not.”

Boulder Honors President With Naming of New Landfill

in Environment/Politics by

American presidents are widely honored.  They have all manner of things named after them- from bridges and highways to whole cities and even a state.  They are also honored with the biggest, most important warships in the US Navy- aircraft carriers.  But earlier last week, the city of Boulder went a step further.

In a grand show of respect and admiration, the Boulder City Council voted unanimously to name the new city landfill after Donald John Trump.  Boulder Mayor Suzanne Jones in a speech celebrating the passage of the bill honoring Trump with the landfill had the following to say, “For 40 years, I’ve served as Executive Director of [the recycling non-profit] Eco Cycle, and I’ve dealt with all manner of trash: compostable organic matter, recyclable metals, plastics and such, but in all my career of trying to salvage human waste, I’ve never seen such an irredeemable pile of useless, pointless refuse quite like our president.  Therefore, it behooves us Boulderites to honor him by naming our trash pile the Donald John Trump Boulder City Landfill.  Because we all know that, when it comes to trash, nobody beats Donald Trump; he turned multiple business ventures into trash, he had a reality TV show that was pure trash, and now he is turning our constitution and our very country into trash.  This president needs to be honored!”

The measure has been widely applauded in Boulder city and county.  The municipalities of Niwot, Lafayette and Longmont all passed symbolic laws in support of Boulder city’s honoring of The Don.  Lafayette resident Heidi Papadopoulous had the following comment, “With a name like that, I’d even volunteer my 40 acre horse ranch for the site!”

Focopolitan Tribune Reporter Ludwig Schnee actually contacted President Trump at his Mara Lago resort in Florida on the first try over the phone.  In a brief conversation, the president told Mr. Schnee, “I’m honored.  I guarantee you that this landfill is gonna be the best, the most beautiful landfill ever made!  Ever!  Just tell that mayor in Boulder to send the royalty check for the use of my name in the mail to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. in Washington, DC!”

Poudre River Gold Mine Reassures River Community: We’ll Only Pollute a Little Bit

in Business and Economics/Environment/Local Flavor by

After finding gold along the Poudre River, Trump Mining Corporation, a precious metals extraction company owned by none other than The Don himself addressed community members in Fort Collins, Greeley and all other municipalities that line our precious riverine resource.  In a Tweet, our president declared to the Poudre River community, “This is going to be the BEST gold mine EVER!!!  Fort Collins, Greeley, Laporte, Bellevue and all those places there are gonna be proud of this.”

These surprising developments however, have been met with fierce criticism.  FoCo environmental activist Fern Greene reached out to the Focopolitan Tribune and gave us a full interview.  “Gold mines are about the dirtiest, filthiest most environmentally degrading operations possible!  I’m so outraged that this fucking thing is even gonna open!  Do you know how much cyanide and mercury is used in the mining of gold?  Where’s it all gonna go?  And what is this all for?  To get some rich-ass people more fucking jewelry than they already have?  I’m sorry, but as a member of this community, I say, ‘no.’  Pollution of rivers and soil is the kind of thing that should only happen in countries where black and brown people live, not here!”

We at the Tribune managed to contact a spokesman from Trump Mining.  Aurelio Goldberg assured us, “Yeah, we do use mercury and cyanide in mining gold, but at least we have the river to take it away.  No problem there.  We just dump the stuff in the Poudre and away it goes…”  Horrified at such a flippant disregard for the environment, your reporter Ludwig Schnee asked about how this might effect the wildlife of the ecosystem to which Mr. Goldberg replied, “It’s gonna kill some fish, but so much the better.  All those anglers I see in the summer aren’t gonna need to pay a cent for those expensive waders, rods, bait or line.  They just need to go down and pluck ’em out; we did the hard part for them.”

Something tells us at the Trib that this can’t be the end of this…

Downtown Lights Receive Help From the Moon

in Environment by

It is once again the holiday season and Fort Collins officials have put up the downtown lights. This year is a little different than years past.

“We’re more conscious than ever of needed sustainability issues especially electric ones. Coal is used in electricity production so we took that into consideration when looking at how we can keep this lighting tradition going and still reduce our carbon footprint,” said Business of Old Town Federation Board president Mohammad Gordon.

The answer appeared during the summer when officials were busy reading through proposals for various solar-panel projects. “We realized that although solar-panels can’t be used during the evening what about lunar-panels? The lights are on during the night really and so if we can replace their electricity source from electric to lunar power, we could be saving money and doing our bit for the environment!”

It soon became obvious that this was an easy concept to write down on paper but much harder in its implementation. For one, the panels had to be invented.

Enter BillyJoe Boom. “Now, if ya see here, the moon don’ cast as much light as the sun,” commented the panels’ inventor, a resident of Severance. “So that mean you don’t get as much in terms of power.” Mr. Boom describes himself as an innovative entrepreneur. “I mean how many other people coulda thought to do lunar power? Genius!”

Mr. Boom markets his invention for smaller companies and seasonal projects. “’Cause you don’ have that much power so big projects ain’t gonna really work with these things. But seasonal or small ones, don’ that just fit!”

“In the long run we’re going to be saving money,” replied Commissioner Gordon, when asked about cost. “Yes, they were a little expensive up front but now we don’t have an electric bill for these lights either. So win-win for all; it was the best $1.5 million dollar investment of other people’s money we’ve ever done.”

The panels are located on top of a building on a main stretch of downtown College. Officials are not forthcoming as to where they are exactly due to fears of vandalism or outright theft. Mr. Boom is remaining on staff for this season just in case kinks or other issues arise. “This is the first commercial outfit for me, so’s I best help to make sure ever’thing goes smooth-like. After this, I’m gonna peddle them in Boulder too; them folks are just as rich and just as self-conscious of being seen as environmental friendly-like.”

So as you enjoy the holiday lights this season, remember that Fort Collins is at the vanguard of sustainability efforts by harnessing the power of the moon.

Old Town West Resident: Golf Course Should Become Section 8 Housing

in Business and Economics/Environment/Health and Fitness/Local Flavor by

Old Town West, the up-scale, left-of-center neighborhood vaguely comprising West Mountain and Laporte Avenues is home to a few thousand people.  It’s a place of old, renovated homes and well-kept lawns.  It is also a place where Focopolitans can easily see more than a few lawns with signs that read, “Regarless of where you’re from, we’re happy you’re our neighbor” written in Spanish, English and Arabic.  For area resident Harry Schacht, the sign is more than hollow virtue-signalling.  He explains, “Lots of folks here just put that sign on their lawn to show how liberal they are, but when the rubber meets the road, what do they do to really include people?  Diddle!  I’m not like them, and I’d say lots of folks in Fort Collins aren’t either.  To prove that point, I’m going to the city council and I’m gonna propose something real: to turn City Park 9 Golf Course into section 8 housing.  Or as I like to call the project, ‘Change the 9 to an 8.'”

Surprised at such a radical proposal, reporter Ludwig Schnee asked Mr. Schacht to elaborate on his plan.  Using an old-fashioned flip chart instead of a powerpoint presentation, Mr. Schacht went on to explain that such an idea was good because golf courses use vast amounts of water, which in Colorado is scarce.  Also, they use vast amounts of chemical fertilizers which are harmful to the river ecosystem.  Just eliminating them would improve things.  He added, “Then there’s the human factor.  We really want to be inclusive, diverse and equitable, and let’s face it: we’re really rich here in OTW (as Old Town West is abbreviated) and for the rich to live well, we need the poor.  Seriously, do you think, I wash my own Prius, mow my own lawn, landscape my own bonsai trees or raise my own grandkids?  Do you know where my house cleaner, the nanny and my landscaper live?  It’s way out in the trailer park, and they have to drive here!  Imagine that!  They have to drive here!  In THEIR cars!  Do you know how much carbon is released into our atmosphere just for them to drive that old wreck of a hooptie to my house?  Not only that, but the thing is hideous!  It ruins the view every time they come.  When I have my grandkids over, and Maria’s taking care of them…”  he paused, “That ugly-ass 1990s Buick is a real piece of shit to look at.” He proceeded, “It’s far better to have our servants live near us- as in within walking distance.  That way, they can get our houses clean, wash our cars, raise our kids and that way, we’ll live in a truly diverse, equitable and environmentally sustainable place.”  Asked, about what Foco’s golfers would have to say about the plan, Mr. Schacht replied, “Who cares?  Golf is such a snooty, elitist game, anyway.  Why should I care about what those smug, classist people have to say?  They just take up space like the greens they golf on.”

It is unclear how this proposal will be implemented.

City of Thornton Proposes Knock-off Roman Aqueduct in Place of Pipeline

in Environment/Local Flavor by

After years of legal wrangling and false starts, resulting in repeated postponements, city planners in Thornton have resorted to snazzy marketing in the hopes of persuading Larimer County residents of the benefits of their proposed diversion of Cache La Poudre River water for municipal use.  The original water diversion plan called for building a pipeline from the Poudre River just north of Fort Collins and piping it down a proposed pipeline running parallel to Douglas Road and thereon to the Denver suburb.  This proposal has met with vehement opposition from local residents of affected communities as well as the environmental activist group Save the Poudre.  Pressure and activism by Save the Poudre has by and large kept the current diversion plan on the drawing board and in the wet dreams of Thornton city planners.  “At night, I dream of me and Pamela Anderson doing a three-way with Shakira in a bathtub full of bubbles from Poudre River water,” waxed Roger Hoover, spokesman for the new plan.  “But… like Pamela Anderson 25 years ago, not her today.”

Talking about the new plan, Mr. Hoover commented, “The problem with what we have on the books now, is marketing. Moving water is really beautiful, and what are they proposing to do: to pipe it underground where nobody can see it?  C’mon, man!  That’s just self-defeating.  That takes absolutely no consideration into a very basic attribute of an engineering project of this size and importance: beauty.  You see, that’s the problem when you put things in the hands of the fucking engineers: they make something that works, but is butt-ugly, so only other engineers admire it.  As they say, ‘by engineers, for engineers.’  Not us, though, no sirree!  What we’re proposing is something that’ll inspire the lasting admiration of engineers and the public at large for generations to come: an aqueduct built in the ancient Roman style, except with locally quarried stone.  Said aqueduct would not only benefit Thornton, but would also become a monument to the good taste of the people of Colorado’s Front Range.  We would run it down the Western part of the Front Range right where a visual enhancer is most welcome- Fort Collins, Longmont and stretches of rural Larimer and Boulder counties.  That way, people in affected communities will actually buy our story that it’s gonna benefit them.  How ’bout it?  We’ll basically snatch their water and build shit on their land.  Just make it pretty and they’ll go along with it- eminent domain and all, beeyotch!”

The new proposal for water diversion by aqueduct has yet to be considered by Larimer County commissioners or the community at large, but by the sound of it, Mr. Hoover has a hard sell.

In other news, this same Mr. Hoover is pushing for the go-ahead on the Laporte gravel pit saying, “The gravel pit is actually a colossal art project to show, on a massive scale, the large void in the human soul as a consequence of living in the materialistic, post-industrial, globalized world of today.  It’s not about making money at all.”

Coalition of Interest Groups Proposes Closure, Destruction of I-25

in Environment/Local Flavor/Politics by

In a rare meeting of minds and agendas, an ad-hoc group of GOP bigwigs, civic groups and environmental radicals got together and devised an unorthodox plan to deal with traffic on Interstate 25, the biggest North-South highway linking Northern and Southern Colorado. Republican dissident Warren “Spud” Douglas, “We all know when something just ain’t workin’, the best we do is quit it. That’s what the Colorado GOP plan is for I-25. And we all know I-25 just doesn’t work. If you have any doubt, just drive on it on Labor Day weekend or Thanksgiving. Our plan is simple: close the Interstate and de-fund it. That way, the taxpayer won’t have to foot the bill for this unconstitutional monster that the Eisenhower administration built, and let the private sector prevail! We believe that individual people are resourceful enough to find their own means of moving themselves and their cargo from North to South without the help of government. If we’re gonna be true Constitutionalist, small-government Republicans, that’s what we do: reduce the size and scope of government. Where in the Constitution is it written that the government’s supposed to build highways?”

Environmentalist Fern Greene added to the chorus, “If Left-leaning Coloradoans are ever to consider themselves environmentalists, [you need to] put your money where your mouths are! Have you heard of re-wilding people’s hearts and minds through better environmental education in our public schools? Bah! That’s for slacktivists! We’re gonna re-wild Colorado practically. You may ask, ‘So what are you doing about it?’ Well, my answer is simple: We’re creating a coalition to discourage the use of the cancer that cars are to our atmosphere by destroying the means to use them locally: I-25. In its place, my group proposes to turn what is now the interstate into a wilderness sanctuary and a migratory corridor for wildlife.”

Joining forces with environmentalists and right-wing Republicans, was Coloradoans for Safety Above All Else (COFSALE). Spokeswoman Stephanie Ramsey gave her reasoning, “Do you know how many people are injured and killed each year on Colorado roads? What better way to reduce the number than shutting down the worst culprit of them all? Duh…”

We, at the Focopolitan Tribune drive on I-25 and find it to be a cluster-fuck that only the lower rungs of Dante’s Hell could spawn. We can’t see why Coloradans haven’t gotten rid of it sooner. It is clear to us therefore, that there is no downside to this plan: lower taxes, fewer deaths and injuries on our roads and a restored environment… sounds like a classic no-brainer to us. We also praise the parties of this proposal for their truly democratic grass-roots activism and their meeting across party lines and political agendas.

Developer, Environmental Group Join Forces in Plan to Drain Horsetooth Reservoir

in Business and Economics/Environment by

In a move that raised eyebrows throughout Colorado, the radical environmental group “Save The River Or Else!” and multi-millionaire real estate developer Neville Barns-Wallace joined forces and voices in a press release announcing a proposal to drain Horsetooth Reservoir. In the newly-vacated area, Barns-Wallace’s development group, Upkeep, Inc., would build the planned low-income housing subdivisions known as New Stout, Highball and Tallboy. The joint press release stated, “Draining this outdated dinosaur of a water-retention system will solve multiple problems that we face in Northern Colorado. Firstly, an estimated 1000+ acres of land will be opened for development right next to the saturated communities of Fort Collins and Loveland; that land will be utilized for affordable housing for a growing area. The consequence of that will be a dramatic reduction in home costs to a beleaguered Northern Colorado. Besides that, we will finally and decisively save the Cache la Poudre River from being drained into oblivion. That will re-invigorate our wildlife and fisheries and restore the Poudre watershed and ecosystem almost to what it was before white settlement. There is absolutely no downside to this! We are so proud of the fact that two sides as different as ours sat down to hash out this ambitious plan.”

As we at the Focopolitan Tribune see it, this is truly a testament to the power of compromise, dialogue and communication across ideological lines and diverging interests. (If only our politicians could pull that off…) Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee contacted “Save The River Or Else!” spokeswoman Fern Greene. In a brief exchange, Greene talked of the group’s motivation in the proposed project. “We REALLY want to save the river, and we’re willing to put our money where our mouths are. When we hear other people talking about how they’re against the Northern Integrated Supply Project, we cringe. How can you oppose NISP, but favor Horsetooth? You either go big or go home, baby! Let’s not have double standards.”

Barns-Wallace, for his part explained the what and the how of his part in the proposed plan. “First off, I looked at a map of Fort Collins and I just couldn’t find a decent place to build, but the other night, I was watching TCM, and I saw [the 1955 film] The Dambusters. The idea came to me like the flash of a lightbulb. As I recall, I even shouted out, ‘Eureka!’ Why not drain the reservoir, which is good for nothing other than boating, and build housing in the newly-opened area? This is how I propose we do it: we’re gonna sink a hundred tons of high explosive in a shaped charge to the bottom of the North side dam and voila! Problem solved. That way, it won’t take as long as just letting the water out gradually via that dinky little canal, and we can get to work on the project faster. After that, it’s all build, baby, build!”

Neither side was particularly clear about the issue of water supply for the new community, and for that matter the city of Fort Collins. County commissioners were flabbergasted over the proposal. When county commissioner Tom Donnelly questioned Barns-Wallace over the problem of where water would come from, Barns-Wallace replied, “From the faucet…duh.”

Local Shaman Explains Increase in Bald Eagle Population

in Environment by

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

——by Special Correspondent Jollie Thresher

In response to a recent article in The Fort Collins Coloradoan noting a marked increase in the local bald eagle population, The Focopolitan Tribune consulted several experts as to why this phenomenon might be happening. The Wildlife Biology Department at CSU had no firm answer, “Probably people are leaving their trash cans uncovered, and they smell food. Then they come knock ‘em over and—uh, whoops, that’s the bears. Try the guys in Avian Science.”

Dissatisfied, I travelled to the remote corners of Larimer County, to consult with Yawning Coyote Pratt, who has been working with a colleague, the noted Native American shaman and animal whisperer Swelling Milk, there to help him with the bison crisis reported in an earlier issue. Ms. Milk’s highly specialized work includes not only talking to various species of animals and birds, but mediating when conflicting human / animal issues arise. “She’s the best,” Yawning Coyote assured. “She got those bison together and explained there’s just too goddamn many of ‘em up here now at Soapstone Prairie. Convinced a lot of ‘em to head on up to Wyoming. Man, saved me hours with the bow and arrow!”
Incredulous, I asked Swelling Milk to explain her technique before we touched on the subject of bald eagles.
“I don’t do domestic animals,” was her first comment. “They actually communicate better with humans, having lost their wild vocabulary. They say the dumbest stuff, like ‘Ruining carpets rocks!’ or they want to gossip about their owners’ secretly drinking or jerking off. Or worse yet, ‘Polly. Wants. A. Cracker!’ Ugh. No, I deal only with wild species.”

As to why the bald eagles are settling in Fort Collins, Swelling Milk had the following to say. “Very simple,” she said. “The word is out in the eagle community. Fort Collins is an accepting town. For a long time it was all about the Canada geese, but not any more. Here prairie dogs feel at home, squirrels, iguanas, you name it. Here there is far more species inclusiveness than most places. The conservationists want to take credit, but it’s more about the progressive atmosphere of the town. Plus, the eagles read the signs.” I assumed Swelling Milk was referring to some eagle type of inner ‘spirituality’, but no. “The signs, of course, those signs all over Fort Collins,” she said. “Eagles can read eagle alphabet. One of the languages on those signs that say WE ARE FORT COLLINS is very close to eagle scratches. They saw it and decided, why not?”

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