Old Town West, the up-scale, left-of-center neighborhood vaguely comprising West Mountain and Laporte Avenues is home to a few thousand people. It’s a place of old, renovated homes and well-kept lawns. It is also a place where Focopolitans can easily see more than a few lawns with signs that read, “Regarless of where you’re from, we’re happy you’re our neighbor” written in Spanish, English and Arabic. For area resident Harry Schacht, the sign is more than hollow virtue-signalling. He explains, “Lots of folks here just put that sign on their lawn to show how liberal they are, but when the rubber meets the road, what do they do to really include people? Diddle! I’m not like them, and I’d say lots of folks in Fort Collins aren’t either. To prove that point, I’m going to the city council and I’m gonna propose something real: to turn City Park 9 Golf Course into section 8 housing. Or as I like to call the project, ‘Change the 9 to an 8.'”
Surprised at such a radical proposal, reporter Ludwig Schnee asked Mr. Schacht to elaborate on his plan. Using an old-fashioned flip chart instead of a powerpoint presentation, Mr. Schacht went on to explain that such an idea was good because golf courses use vast amounts of water, which in Colorado is scarce. Also, they use vast amounts of chemical fertilizers which are harmful to the river ecosystem. Just eliminating them would improve things. He added, “Then there’s the human factor. We really want to be inclusive, diverse and equitable, and let’s face it: we’re really rich here in OTW (as Old Town West is abbreviated) and for the rich to live well, we need the poor. Seriously, do you think, I wash my own Prius, mow my own lawn, landscape my own bonsai trees or raise my own grandkids? Do you know where my house cleaner, the nanny and my landscaper live? It’s way out in the trailer park, and they have to drive here! Imagine that! They have to drive here! In THEIR cars! Do you know how much carbon is released into our atmosphere just for them to drive that old wreck of a hooptie to my house? Not only that, but the thing is hideous! It ruins the view every time they come. When I have my grandkids over, and Maria’s taking care of them…” he paused, “That ugly-ass 1990s Buick is a real piece of shit to look at.” He proceeded, “It’s far better to have our servants live near us- as in within walking distance. That way, they can get our houses clean, wash our cars, raise our kids and that way, we’ll live in a truly diverse, equitable and environmentally sustainable place.” Asked, about what Foco’s golfers would have to say about the plan, Mr. Schacht replied, “Who cares? Golf is such a snooty, elitist game, anyway. Why should I care about what those smug, classist people have to say? They just take up space like the greens they golf on.”
It is unclear how this proposal will be implemented.