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Area HOA Proposes Landfill for Old Hughes Stadium

in Environment/Local Flavor by

In an imperial-like gesture of bigness, representatives from the The Ponds community proposed an unorthodox solution for the lingering questions about what to do with Hughes Stadium.  After numerous discussions that addressed such issues as open spaces and affordable housing, it appears that a number of residents of The Ponds have come to a consensus that the area near their upscale neighborhood ought to become a landfill.  The group, calling itself YIMBY, for Yes, In My Back Yard, reached out to the Focopolitan Tribune in order to voice their ideas.

In a prolonged phone conversation with reporter Ludwig Schnee, spokeswoman Deb van Diemen of YIMBY stated, “It has come to the public’s attention that the Larimer County Landfill is going to max out any day now.  It is clear to everyone in Fort Collins: something needs to be done about this!  For us to accommodate all the trash that a growing middle-class population produces, we can only do so with sacrifice.  Yes, I said it- SACRIFICE!  We agree to sacrifice the nice views that we have for a new landfill for us to throw ‘away’ all the Chinese-made plastic trash that we and our lower-income neighbors buy, keep for six months, and then pitch.  Let’s face it: we live in Consumerville, USA, and we’re not better here in FoCo just ‘cause some of us say that we shop ‘local.’  We produce no less trash than people in Littleton, Junction or the Springs.”

Surprised at this statement from a person who obviously lives in an upscale neighborhood, our reporter asked about the effect on property values.  Ms. van Diemen replied, “ As we at YIMBY see it, it’s a win-win situation.  The city and county get a new landfill, the fees from our trash-haulers go down, and although our property values might go down some, that’s okay, they won’t plummet… and don’t forget, if your property value goes down, so do your taxes.  There is no downside to this.”

Wanting to find out more, our intrepid reporter went to the area and inquired a little more about the matter.  Residents were surprisingly candid and unanimous about the matter.  Resident Todd Reynolds remarked, “This is gonna be great!  Our lower-income neighbors will be able to walk their way to the local dump every afternoon and recycle just like us.”  He added, “I’ll bet they’ll be waiting for every dump truck that arrives just to see what our side of Overland Trail threw away- recycling at its most basic.”

It is unclear how city, county and state laws will affect this proposal.  The Larimer County Board of Commissioners and Fort Collins City Council have not officially replied to Focopolitan Tribune calls, but a local official, speaking to this newspaper on background had the following to say, “We are excited to see such civic pride expressed in a rather, unusual way. This will take some time to review and even then we need to look at existing state, municipal and federal laws to make sure it would be feasible.  I know that they [YIMBY] are excited, but we don’t want them to jump the gun, so to speak.  I’m just glad I don’t fucking live there!”

Area Rabbit Population Controlled With French Food Truck

in Business and Economics/Environment by

Foodies at this week’s food truck rally at City Park were pleasantly surprised by the debut of La Vielille Marseille, a French food truck operated by Jean-Louis Gottlieb.  Gottlieb, a native of Alsace recently immigrated to the US, and his showcasing of traditional French rabbit recipes has caused a stir in Fort Collins.

“I did not buy from any stores,” he explained, “and those food service companies do not carry such delicacies.  And when they do, it’s too expensive!  It is like taxes in France – you pay a lot and get shit for it.”  His solution?  Pulling out a have-a-heart trap and a bushel of carrots, he explains, “There are so many around the city.  And you must have it fresh. I learned to catch and cook the creatures while serving in the Armee de Terre [the French Army] as a field cook.”  Gottlieb went on to talk about his family’s long culinary tradition, “In WWII, my grandfather served in the Division Charlemagne and the family passed the tradition on.  To my dismay, most people in Florida and Georgia, where I began my business didn’t like it too much, but FoCo?  Mon Dieu– people here are eclectic in their pallet!  At first I served the usual coq-au vin, bouillabaisse, crepes and the more familiar French cuisine, but to my surprise the people here loved lapin [rabbit].  Perhaps because it is “locally grown”, but seriously, people here are eclectic in their taste.”

It’s clear for any outside observer to see that the menu on the side of Jean-Louis’ VW Westphalia heavily favors lapin.  With such delicacies as lapin a la cocotte, au vin, au sapiquet, a la mortared, to name only a few, rabbit is definitely his specialty.  That has had a fortuitous consequence for residents of Fort Collins, particularly those of us who live near nature areas and parks.  For well over a year now, Focopolitans have been complaining of the runaway rabbit population, made possible by the near-extinction of foxes in Northern Colorado due to a mange epidemic.  Rabbits have long ravaged residents’ gardens and planters, but to the relief of city planners, pest control and the general population, Jean-Louis has dealt with the problem decisively.  “What I do is this: I arrive two hours before opening, and the traps do the work for me.  Two hours later, voila!  It’s all done… seasoning and all!”

Not all Focopolitans are pleased with this development, though.  Campus animal rights and environmental activists have protested outside of Vielle Marseille.  A anonymous activist commented, “You like this guy while he serves you rabbit, ’cause those things are a dime a dozen.  What are we gonna do once they’re endangered?  Wait until he serves frogs!  Don’t you know how many species of frog are endangered?”

We at the Trib will keep our readers posted on both environmental and the culinary events in the community.

CU, CSU Mascots Eaten Week Before Face-off

in Environment by

In a tragic bifecta of unrelated events, both Cam the Ram, CSU’s mascot and Ralphie the buffalo, CU’s counterpart have been killed and eaten plunging Fort Collins and Boulder into collective mourning.

It all started with Cam the Ram’s appearance at the CSU vs. Oregon State University game which inaugurated CSU’s new football stadium.  The excessive temperature of game day cause worrisome possible signs of dehydration in the ovine mascot.  Minders immediately contacted his personal veterinarian who recommended immediate transport to CSU’s Veterinary Teaching Hospital.  This is where things took a tragic turn.

A mix-up in paperwork at the stadium and a mis-entry on Google Maps landed Cam at a local kosher/halal butcher shop instead of the vet.  When the SNAFU was noticed, it was too late.

The two butchers, one Muslim, one Jewish were apologetic about the incident  In a press real ease Hamid Abdul el-Said and Levi Rothstein, the interfaith butchers, had this to say, “We purchased a few head of livestock from CSU, so that we could split the cost between us for Rosh Hoshana and Hajj, which happen to overlap this year.  We didn’t realize who it was that had been included with the other ovines until CSU contacted us early in the week.  Unfortunately, he had been turned into crown roast, braised shank and tripe stew with garlic.  At least we consecrated him before and prayed for him after…”

Ralphie for her part enjoyed a few moments of freedom before her demise.  In a fit of spontaneous activism, a group of drunk CU students freed Ralphie from her pen Saturday night.  Loading her onto a stolen trailer, daybreak saw the spontaneous animal rights activists driving hung over around Boulder trying to figure out what to to with the stolen animal.  A cursory web search turned up the reintroduced bison population at Soapstone Prairie, at which point they turned Northwards.  Setting the female bison free, they drove back to Boulder.  In a police deposition, one of the bison thieves stated,  “She seemed quite happy to be out in nature- ya know… just like the orca at the end of Free Willy.”

Ralphie’s carcass was discovered with various arrow-like wounds by Larimer County Senior Naturalists on Monday evening.  Visiting the reintroduced Indian Stettlement (see the Focopolitan Tribune’s article from May 31st  ) the naturalists were surprised to find inhabitants feasting.  On further examination, of the bison’s hide, no tracking number was found.  It didn’t take long for the LCSN and CU officials to figure out that the dead animal was indeed the missing Ralphie.

Yawning Coyote Pratt, spokesman for the reintroduced American Indian settlement had this to say, “What the fuck, people?!?!?!?  You tell me to kill a bison, and I kill my first one, and you’re all like ‘You killed the wrong one!!’  How the fuck am I supposed to know which one is which – they are all bison!  i wasn’t born into this lifestyle, nor did my ancestors even hunt these things- they were fucking corn, squash and bean farmers!  I’m gonna be proud of this kill no matter what you say.  I’m gonna eat my first meal in a long time!  Grilling night, baby!  Oh, and what’s this about a football game?  Can I borrow a TV?”

Spring Glade Fire Fully Contained, Wildlands Firefighters Getting LOTS of Nookie

in Environment by

After a successful operation that contained last week’s Spring Glade fire, near Coyote Ridge that saw no human casualties and no structures lost, it is fair to say that Northern Colorado fire crews have done a stellar job once again.  Their exploits are legendary, their teamwork extraordinary.  For their heroism and hard work, wildlands firefighters are paid meager wages, but what the casual observer fails to realize is the fact that these guys are not reward with money alone…

Wildlands firefighters not only command the intangible gratitude and respect of the communities they save, but also the tangible rewards that rather more venturous people are willing to show.  Encompassing the categories of: MILF, blonde, facial, body shot, brunette, tit-fuck, circle-jerk, gang bang, redhead, anal, interracial, bikini, blow job, granny, glory hole, threesome, hand job, big tits, shaved, BBW, outdoor, drunk, bare-backing, pillow-biter, Latina, hairy and barely legal, to name only a few, these guys put any other under-moneyed testosterone-fueled male to shame!

In an interview with the Focopolitan Tribune, Dave Smith of the Soapstone Hotshots crew remarked, “They pay us shit, and our health insurance barely covers us for the STDs that most of us get every season, but man, oh man… the poontang we get more than makes up for it!  Sometimes the chicks even pay for the booze!  Fighting wildfires by day and having wild night on fire in our sleeping bags: that’s the life for us.”  Smith went on to explain, “Yup, all of us bang more than our fill of pussy, except for Patrick and Gerald over there, who take turns banging each other.” as he pointed to a pair of buff-looking young men kissing, on their way to a sleeping bag.

‘Badge Bunny’ is the affectionate term that denotes women who have a proclivity for law enforcement and firefighting personnel, and this crew had no lack of them.  “Sometimes they outnumber us by a factor of 2 to 1!  We LOVE those nights.”  Asked what their greatest single-season accomplishment was, William “Billy” Moore said, “Two seasons ago, when we went out to California to help out with a fire there, we saved Kim Kardashian’s ninth home.  Too bad she wasn’t there.  She was at a show in Dubai or some shit like that with Kanye.”  He went on, “Yup, that’s probably where the crew first got the clap from.”  An unidentified Soapstone Hotshot remarked, “Worth every second of that stinging piss, though.” and the crew performed a group high-five, laughing before retiring to their tents with bikini-clad badge bunnies.

We at the Focopolitan Tribune salute our wildlands firefighters and the chicks, and occasionally dudes who keep their morale (and something else) up!

Bison Population of Soapstone Prairie controlled with Re-introduction of American Indian

in Environment by
Aiming to establish a balance between predators and prey in Soapstone Prairie, the Larimer County Board of Commissioners by unanimity voted to re-introduce natural predators to the newly-established bison herd of the City of Fort Collins-run open space.  After considering a series of options, it seemed that our board of commissioners was partial to the wolf, a high-food chain canine predator whose re-introduction to Yellowstone National Park some three decades ago proved a resounding success, but after cursory discussion, consensus turned to the American Indian.
The establishment of  a pre-white settlement ecosystem in Larimer County dates back to 2008 when Latimer County and the City of Fort Collins established Soapstone Prairie and Red Mountain Open Space respectively.  In 2015, Larimer County Open Spaces re-introduced the North American Bison to a part of Soapstone Prairie.  But what was supposed to be a sustainable herd of bison has ballooned into a problematic headache to the Larimer County Board of Commissioners.  “When the bison herd had its first calf, we rejoiced and the news even reached the [newspaper the Fort CollinsColoradoan.  Now it seems that every month they pop out another calf!  Things are getting out of control here.”  Larimer County Commissioner Steve Johnson said.  “Wolves are simply not enough to keep the population in check.  After watching a History Channel documentary we are quite well-informed on the interaction between the animal and the Indians that lived here long ago.  It seems the animal provided all manner of items that the people needed: shoes, meat, material to make rugs; the Walmart of its time.  Then, I watched a PBS show about the Sand Creek Massacre, and we thought, ‘what better way to make up for that wrong than this?’  We could not pass up the opportunity”  He went on to say, “Wen we considered the interests of nearby residents and ranchers, who would be seriously and adversely affected by wolves, we just thought that bringing a band of Indians in would do the trick.  Now, I want to go home to watch Game of Thrones.”
 
In an interview with the Focopolitan Tribune, American Indian spokesman Yawning Coyote Pratt commented, “What the fuck am I doing here?  How in the hell am I supposed to feed my family with this lousy-ass bow-and arrow?  At least give me a hunting rifle!”  Asked about the Board of Commissioners’ decision to reintroduce him and his family to Soapstone Prairie, Yawning Coyote protested, “I’m Navajo!  Our people never even hunted buffalo!  Gaiter, how would you like it if I gave you this bow-and-arrow and sent your black ass back to Africa?  And you, Donnelly: Go get some potato seeds and see if you can make it after I drop you off in some armpit of Ireland!  Take me back to Arizona, I’ve got a casino to run!”
 
Larimer County Senior Naturalists will track the progress of the Indian population and its adaptation to the Soapstone Prairie ecosystem.  Viewing of both the American Indian and the bison herd is accessible to the public and can be done at the viewing zone at the entrance of the Natural Area.
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