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Radical Capitalist Group Celebrates Life, Achievements of Judas

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At a luncheon today, a local, fundamentalist capitalist group celebrated Easter weekend most unusually.  The group, calling itself Capitalism or Else!, celebrated and commented on the life of an otherwise repugnant human being: Judas Iscariot, the man who betrayed Jesus Christ for 30 pieces of silver.  According to the New Testament of the Holy Bible, Judas turned Jesus into Roman authorities out of pure greed and complete lack of integrity, but Capitalism or Else!’s, John Silverton had an entirely different perspective on the story, “We look at it another way.  Judas was really an innovator: the Amazon.com of his day.  What do they have in common?  They took people’s personal information, and monetized it.  What’s the big deal?  What sets (Amazon founder and owner) Jeff Bazos apart from other capitalists?  He didn’t just discover untapped markets- he invented them.  He didn’t just come into some existing realm of money making like a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman, he created his own money-making forum: he saw there was a demand for people’s personal information- their buying patterns, their internet searches, and so on, and he sold them and people ended up better off for it.  The genius of Bazos was finding that thing that nobody else saw potential for and then just followed the laws of supply and demand.  Just think of it: Judas did the same.  He realized there was huge demand on the part of Roman buyers who had silver, for information on Judean seditionists.  Judas was in optimal condition to supply that information, so he charged the premium for it.  Silver for information, information for silver and KACHINK!  The guy got rich and all these commie-ass Christians go around condemning him!  What’s up with that?”  Mr. Silverton paused, “I hope Judas at least picked up the tab at the last supper, but the Gospels don’t tell us.  Seriously, the only one high on the hog at he last supper was my man, Judas.  All the others were broke.”

“Come to think of it, he was the first follower of Jesus to make a killing selling Jesus.  He ought to be the example to all these preachers out there, from Ken what’s-his-face…” he paused again “…you know, that guy with the big-ass house in Steamboat [Springs, CO] to Joel Osteen.  They can’t hold a candle to Judas.  Why are these preachers today respected, but Judas gets the treatment he gets?”

Further conversation revealed that Mr. Silverton will be founding an online startup that he plans to name judas.com specializing in auctions for packages of peoples’ internet searches.  “The e-bay for people’s personal information.  If you can buy and sell people’s debts, why not their personal information?  You shouldn’t see people as customers; they are the product, and that was a concept Judas figured out 2000 years ago.  Now, was that visionary or what?”

Boulder Travel Agency Offers Poverty Tours for High Roller Front Range Crowd

in Arts and Entertainment/Business and Economics by

Northern Colorado residents are some of the most worldly in America.  We Nocopolitans have seen it all and heard it all.  We’ve had it with Cancun and Cabo.  Jackson Hole and Aspen are practically our back yard.  Yellowstone and Yosemite are the epitome of pedestrain.  What possibly could top these experiences for our Left-of-center, environmental, altruistic sensibilities?

Enter Boulder’s niche touring agency: PPV Tours.  “The PPV stands for poor people viewing.  It’s really a thing.  Don’t believe me?  Just look at your liberal friends online and you’re bound to see pictures of them posing in photos next to little brown and black kids with that cute, little UNICEF look.  Moral of the story: poor people are exotic and interesting- kind of like animals on safari, and that’s what the monied liberal crowd want.  Let’s not forget this: the customer is always right.”  So said Miranda Mitchell, co-owner and operator of PPV Tours.  “They say that they want to ‘volunteer’ at some school or AIDS orphanage in Africa, but they just want to go there, look at what a wreck of a place they’re visiting, and feel like they’re doing something good for their fellow man, when in reality, they’re just objectifying their poverty.  After that, they come back home and have a story to tell and pictures to show other liberal jackwads, so that they can one-up them on who’s the most socially conscious, liberal snowflake at the drum-circle.”  she paused, “Just think of it as a Progressive version of ‘Keeping up with the Joneses.'”

PPV offers tours to Guatemala, Honduras and Nicaragua, since Mexico, Costa Rica and Panama are just too prosperous to illicit sympathy from travelers.  PPV also offers the Hassa diga Ibo ai tour of Uganda in conjunction with missionary organizations posted to the central African nation.

Asked what is the most challenging aspect of organizing the tours, Ms. Mitchell commented, “By far, finding an internet connection in the rural boonies of Uganda or Central America that our tourists can access Facebook and Instagram on.”  Taken aback by this fetishistic view of poor people, reporter Ludwig Schnee asked Ms. Mitchell more about her clientele to which she answered with unusual candor, “My tourists don’t like the poor- they like poverty.  There is a difference.”

Poudre River Gold Mine Reassures River Community: We’ll Only Pollute a Little Bit

in Business and Economics/Environment/Local Flavor by

After finding gold along the Poudre River, Trump Mining Corporation, a precious metals extraction company owned by none other than The Don himself addressed community members in Fort Collins, Greeley and all other municipalities that line our precious riverine resource.  In a Tweet, our president declared to the Poudre River community, “This is going to be the BEST gold mine EVER!!!  Fort Collins, Greeley, Laporte, Bellevue and all those places there are gonna be proud of this.”

These surprising developments however, have been met with fierce criticism.  FoCo environmental activist Fern Greene reached out to the Focopolitan Tribune and gave us a full interview.  “Gold mines are about the dirtiest, filthiest most environmentally degrading operations possible!  I’m so outraged that this fucking thing is even gonna open!  Do you know how much cyanide and mercury is used in the mining of gold?  Where’s it all gonna go?  And what is this all for?  To get some rich-ass people more fucking jewelry than they already have?  I’m sorry, but as a member of this community, I say, ‘no.’  Pollution of rivers and soil is the kind of thing that should only happen in countries where black and brown people live, not here!”

We at the Tribune managed to contact a spokesman from Trump Mining.  Aurelio Goldberg assured us, “Yeah, we do use mercury and cyanide in mining gold, but at least we have the river to take it away.  No problem there.  We just dump the stuff in the Poudre and away it goes…”  Horrified at such a flippant disregard for the environment, your reporter Ludwig Schnee asked about how this might effect the wildlife of the ecosystem to which Mr. Goldberg replied, “It’s gonna kill some fish, but so much the better.  All those anglers I see in the summer aren’t gonna need to pay a cent for those expensive waders, rods, bait or line.  They just need to go down and pluck ’em out; we did the hard part for them.”

Something tells us at the Trib that this can’t be the end of this…

Entrepreneur Proposes Cherry Picker for Control Tower for Local Airport

in Business and Economics/Local Flavor by

With the recent addition of an American Airlines flight connecting the po-dunk city of Cheyenne, Wyoming to its major hub in Dallas, Texas, and thereon to anywhere around the world, Focopolitans and Lovelanders have a good reason for being butt-hurt.  How could a second-rate community like Cheyenne get a flight to someplace worth going to, while Northern Colorado Regional Airport (NCRAP) gets only occasional flights to Vegas, Phoenix or the obscure Illinois town of Rockford?

Enter new arrival Armando Torres.  A recent immigrant from Sinaloa, Mexico, Armando has massive experience in the fields of logistics and airstrip management.  “I have worked for more than 20 years managing private airfields.  Whether it’s a jungle in Colombia or a desert in Northern Mexico, when it comes to managing air traffic, cargo and airstrips, I’m an expert!  I used to manage a whole fleet of single-engined, propeller-driven cargo planes until the police came and took my previous employers to jail.”  He went on, “You guys here at NCRAP have a lot to work with: I mean, you guys actually have hangars and a PAVED RUNWAY!  That’s way more advanced than anything I’ve ever dealt with, and I moved stuff- I mean, a few dozen Cesnas a day for years, hombre!”

While NCRAP serves the Fort Collins-Loveland area and has in the past hosted flights by carriers such as Allegiant Air, it currently has no commercial flights to anywhere.  The reason given by the airlines is that the airport does not have a control tower.  But for Señor Torres, that is no impediment.  “No worries, esse!  Tell those cabrones at the FAA [Federal Aviation Administration] that I’ll jack up a cherry-picker as high as it goes, and that’s enough.  I’ll pay for it in cash- greenbacks.  You think I ever worked with a control tower back in Colombia?  In other words, as we say, ‘La garantia soy yo.’  The warranty is me.  We can get a flight started to Culiacan [Mexico] in no time flat!”  When we asked Sr. Torres about safety, he didn’t miss a beat, “No problem.  I’ll just tether myself with a sky hook.”

With such a spectacular resume, officials are loath to let Señor Torres get away. “This could solve all of the issues that we’re having in getting flights from the airport, no matter the destination,” proclaimed an anonymous airport official. “Plus, he’s willing to take on maintenance of the cherry-picker too!  It’s a grand deal.  The only concern I have is safety.  Mr. Torres admits to only a few mishaps, but his record-keeping is… let us say, a little South of the border.  Even so, nobody’s perfect, right?”

Mr. Torres and NCRAP have submitted plans to the Federal Aviation Administration.  Final approval is pending and a ruling expected this January.

Chase Bank Robbery: What is Known, What We Don’t Know and (Most Importantly) What We Think

in Business and Economics/Local Flavor by

Last Wednesday around 2:15 PM, Fort Collins Police Services responded to a reported robbery at the Chase Bank on 1275 East Magnolia St.  What ensued was a police search that must have made the lousy schlub of a bank robber feel like DB Cooper himself!  The search, which involved dozens of uniformed officers, police detectives and even an observation drone gave our dear friends in blue something to do for a few hours between two prolonged periods of taking calls, writing tickets, paperwork and otherwise dull cop shit.  It might be worth mentioning in passing that their presence as well as their flashing blue lights did little to discourage lookie-Lous.

In any event, we reached out to an FCPS officer involved in the case who requested not to be named.  He told Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee, “Ooooh yeeeeaaaaaahhh!!!  A break from busting bums out by the homeless shelter!  Woohoo!  What, and we even got the cobwebs off our tactical gear?  And we’re using a drone?  This is what I signed up to be a cop for!  Whooopeeee!”

While the police is officially mum about the case, as it’s ongoing, we were able to speak to a detective who also requested anonymity.  “We absolutely canvassed the strip mall, which contains a variety of retail outlets in addition to the bank.”  The detective went on to elaborate what he discovered at these various businesses: “Q-Doba has LOTS of burritos.  Dairy Queen sells ice cream, Game Stop is apparently a geek hangout.  Papa Murphy’s sells pizza and the UPS store has lots of mailing packages.”  Your police force is sure astute in its observations.

Apparently, the suspect was masked, but it has still not been conclusively disclosed whether he was armed or not.  Nobody was injured in the incident.  Given the schlubby way that the crime was committed, it would be no surprise to us at the Focopolitan Tribune if the bank robber was planning a shopping trip to Wal-Mart, just two parking lots and a street away from the scene of the crime.  It’s our opinion the he bought the balaclava there, anyway.  Given this guy’s MO, it is our opinion that he’s a top candidate for a “people of War-Mart” meme that you see social media when you’re supposed to be working.  We therefor would like to conclude that given that he’s not exactly Ocean’s Eleven material, this dude’s probably gonna get caught.

All suspects are innocent until they are proven guilty in a court of law.

Holiday Involves Reunion of Live People Around Dead Bird

in Arts and Entertainment/Business and Economics/Health and Fitness/Local Flavor by

This Thursday, November 22nd, we at the Focopolitan Tribune noticed an utterly bizarre cult-like ritual.  A multi-generational agglomeration of an area kin-group assembled between four walls, exchanged greetings and pleasantries and roasted a dead bird.  After roasting said bird, the human kin-group held hands.  Soon after, an elder spoke utterances to a sky-daddy, requesting divine benediction upon the dead avian.  The elder subsequently cut into the bird, probably of the species meleagris gallopavo.  After the ritual incision of the bird’s fleshy breast, the kin group started literally to devour the beast together with sour-tasting, but edible small fruits.

What followed was a welter of feasting, with people gorging themselves on avian meat, the small sour fruits, heavy sauce and mashed potatoes.  After picking the bird literally to the bone much like vultures on a wildebeest carcass on a vintage Wild Discovery episode, the kin group devoured a reduction of a sugary orange-colored gourd baked over a thin layer of buttered flour.  After the bizarre communal feasting, some members of the kin-group swore non-binding weight-loss oaths.

Concluding the parade of oddity, the assembled went on to refer to the following day as “Black Friday” and began discussing plans that reeked nefariously of a corporate capitalist takeover OF THE ENTIRE COUNTRY!!

Old Town West Resident: Golf Course Should Become Section 8 Housing

in Business and Economics/Environment/Health and Fitness/Local Flavor by

Old Town West, the up-scale, left-of-center neighborhood vaguely comprising West Mountain and Laporte Avenues is home to a few thousand people.  It’s a place of old, renovated homes and well-kept lawns.  It is also a place where Focopolitans can easily see more than a few lawns with signs that read, “Regarless of where you’re from, we’re happy you’re our neighbor” written in Spanish, English and Arabic.  For area resident Harry Schacht, the sign is more than hollow virtue-signalling.  He explains, “Lots of folks here just put that sign on their lawn to show how liberal they are, but when the rubber meets the road, what do they do to really include people?  Diddle!  I’m not like them, and I’d say lots of folks in Fort Collins aren’t either.  To prove that point, I’m going to the city council and I’m gonna propose something real: to turn City Park 9 Golf Course into section 8 housing.  Or as I like to call the project, ‘Change the 9 to an 8.'”

Surprised at such a radical proposal, reporter Ludwig Schnee asked Mr. Schacht to elaborate on his plan.  Using an old-fashioned flip chart instead of a powerpoint presentation, Mr. Schacht went on to explain that such an idea was good because golf courses use vast amounts of water, which in Colorado is scarce.  Also, they use vast amounts of chemical fertilizers which are harmful to the river ecosystem.  Just eliminating them would improve things.  He added, “Then there’s the human factor.  We really want to be inclusive, diverse and equitable, and let’s face it: we’re really rich here in OTW (as Old Town West is abbreviated) and for the rich to live well, we need the poor.  Seriously, do you think, I wash my own Prius, mow my own lawn, landscape my own bonsai trees or raise my own grandkids?  Do you know where my house cleaner, the nanny and my landscaper live?  It’s way out in the trailer park, and they have to drive here!  Imagine that!  They have to drive here!  In THEIR cars!  Do you know how much carbon is released into our atmosphere just for them to drive that old wreck of a hooptie to my house?  Not only that, but the thing is hideous!  It ruins the view every time they come.  When I have my grandkids over, and Maria’s taking care of them…”  he paused, “That ugly-ass 1990s Buick is a real piece of shit to look at.” He proceeded, “It’s far better to have our servants live near us- as in within walking distance.  That way, they can get our houses clean, wash our cars, raise our kids and that way, we’ll live in a truly diverse, equitable and environmentally sustainable place.”  Asked, about what Foco’s golfers would have to say about the plan, Mr. Schacht replied, “Who cares?  Golf is such a snooty, elitist game, anyway.  Why should I care about what those smug, classist people have to say?  They just take up space like the greens they golf on.”

It is unclear how this proposal will be implemented.

Cheyenne Truck Stop Debuts Vegan Eatery

in Business and Economics/Health and Fitness/Local Flavor by

In a move that defies stereotypes, the Floating K Truck Stop announced earlier today that it will be opening a new mode of eating at their Cheyenne location. The truck stop, which is located where the East-West highway I-80 meets the North-South Highway, I-25 is very well known to truckers across the country. There, truckers from all over North America fill up, park and eat on their way to their next destinations. While truckers are more known for their partiality to chicken-fried steaks, burgers-and-fries, pancakes-and-waffles with maple syrup and the like, the managers of the Floating K have more enlightened ideas for their patrons.

Spokesman Billy Miller stated, “It is clear that truckers live a sedentary life and that many suffer from obesity, diabetes and heart failure because of it. What better way for us to not kill our clientele than to offer them better food?” He went on, “We are true, red-white-and-blue American capitalists and we cater to the reddest-whitest-and-bluest of Americans: truckers. If we’re gonna be real Americans, we must be good capitalists. That means giving your customers what they want, right? Wrong! Well, not necessarily. While we like to eat a good-ol’ steak and eggs with freedom fries every-now-and-then, we can’t go around offering it to people all the time. That’s just gonna kill ‘em, and for us to have a clientele in the first place, we have to keep them alive. We won’t do that for long, if we keep offering them a diet of GMO grain-fed beef and poultry, fried in cholesterol-oil and served with artery clogging gravy and sugary syrups. Better they eat quinoa patties with tofu made from organic soya beans. Even better if they down it with a cilantro and arugula smoothie with carrot juice instead of soda.”

Focopolitan Tribune reporters Ludwig Schnee and Buck Hummingbird visited the new eatery and approached a crowd gathering around a big-screen TV with NASCAR showing on it. We asked a burly man with a ZZ-Top beard and a beer belly if he was there for refueling or for the vegan fare. He replied, “You got a death wish, buddy?” Apparently, not all truckers are too keen on the novelty. Some, though, expressed a positive, if reserved sentiment towards the vegan option, “My old lady is always on my case to eat better, so I guess I’ll try it.” said Billy-Bob Doyle of Fayetteville, Arkansas.

In other news, the Floating K announced that it has plans to open a yoga studio sometime early next year to accompany the vegan restaurant.

[Editors’ Op-Ed] Wyoming, Colorado Lawmakers Conspire in Sensless Laws Concerning Ganja, Fireworks

in Business and Economics/Local Flavor/Politics by

This 4th of July, people in Colorado and Wyoming will celebrate 242 years of declared independence from the United Kingdom.  For as far back as living memory serves us, Americans of all colors, sexes, classes, creeds, races, ethnicities, sexual orientations, gender identities, food intolerances, regions, political affiliations, intersectionalities (and more) have celebrated the national holiday by lighting, launching and exploding fireworks of all kinds.  This year though, city councils from Fort Collins, Longmont, Boulder and on down the interstate and into the mountains, have disallowed any use of fireworks by private individuals.  Fines for such violations start at $1000 according to a sign on South College Avenue here in FoCo.  That having been said, in Colorado you can at least light up a spliff and forget about such insipid laws and the morons who write them with the delightful buzz of some good Moroccan Black, Kingston Super Skunk, Sumatra Gold or the usual Maui-Maui.

Conversely in Wyoming, so long as it’s not inside Cheyenne city limits due to a ban, one can buy any and all kinds of fireworks and light ’em off anywhere.  But, if you’re thinking of rolling the old joint, lighting up some weed, and getting high off your bong, you had better think twice, ’cause the reefer is still illegal in the Cowboy State.

We actually spoke with two people on either side of the Colorado-Wyoming border, and asked them about the reasoning for such laws.  Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee tracked down Longmont City councilman Ben Dover, a lifelong Democrat, and this is what he had to say, “Of course we ban fireworks within city limits- that can blow off a limb and cause forest fires- even in the city.  And no, we don’t think ANYONE- adult or child is sensible enough to shoot off fireworks safely in our city, not even in a concrete parking lot adjacent to a lake!  On the other hand, we believe ganja is harmless, so if you want to light up, have at it.  I mean, who are we to tell you how to live your life?”

A Republican Wyoming state legislator, who requested anonymity, had this to say, “In Wyoming, we like to live the libertarian life.  I’ll do my thing and you do yours.  So if you want to buy and set off fireworks, be my guest.  Just be careful, don’t damage other peoples’ property and don’t be a nuisance.  On the other hand, we keep marijuana illegal because it’s dangerous.  Have you ever seen [the 1936 film] Reefer Madness?  It’s dangerous to you, to me and to anyone who uses it.  Everybody knows it’s a gateway drug, and it fucks up your brain and shit.  If you have any doubts about that, just go to Pearl Street in Boulder and look at people.”

The editing staff of the Focopolitan Tribune as well as our head writers got together to opine on this matter.  We have concluded that legislators from both sides of the border meet in a smoke-filled room, together with overseers from: the Illuminati, local representatives of world Jewish banking, the Annunaki, Focus on the Family, aliens and Freemasons, to conspire to pass laws like these JUST TO FUCK WITH US!!

Organizers to Relocate Greeley Stampede to Boulder, Citing Stink, Diversity

in Arts and Entertainment/Business and Economics/Local Flavor by

In a press release the organizers of the annual rodeo tournament known as the Greeley Stampede announced that they will be moving the event to the up-market community of Boulder, some 40 miles to the West.  Spokeswoman Stormy Ryder of the Stampede granted an interview to Trib reporter Ludwig Schnee.  “The problem with Greeley is that it stinks to high hell!  I heard there’s a feedlot there, and that’s what makes the place reek enough to gag a rodeo clown.  So, we’re moving our show to Boulder.  On top of that, it appears that our concession stands are selling way too many snacks that have entirely too much salt, sugar and fat.  Barbecued ribs, cotton candy and fried crap will give you diabetes, clog your arteries and give you a heart attack.  In short, we’re killing our fans- slowly and painfully.  We’re calling it quits on that.  The Boulder community, with its foodies and organic vegetable suppliers are sure to offer our fans much healthier snacks.  Who doesn’t crave organic kale salads, non-GMO tofu or carrot juice smoothies while watching a cowboy get bucked by a wild bronco?”

It appears the Stampede organizers also want to change the demographics of their audience, “Our fans have for too long been predominantly rural, working-class, conservative and Caucasian- precisely the kind of people that are on the downturn in America today.  We need to be hip and appeal to a more diverse audience; this year, we started out the transition by bringing [African-American country singer] Darius Rucker, but next year, we’re planning on having [rapper] Jay-Z.  Not only that, but seriously, how much money can you make off of broke-ass white people from the boonies of Poo-Dunk, USA?  Don’t those folks blow all their money on cigarettes, cheap beer and meth?  If we’re gonna be true America-loving capitalists, and make some real bucks, we gotta appeal to the folks with the dough: hipster liberal, urban types who think they’re diverse.  What’s the ‘Numero Uno’ place for that here in Colorado?  Boulder, of course, though Fort Collins isn’t too far behind.  Lastly, we want to break the hetero/cis-normative, stigma of the hyper-macho sport of rodeo, and become fully inclusive of the LGBTQ+ community of Northen Colorado.  Again, what’s the epicenter of that in the Centennial State?”

In other news, area restaurants, construction sites and landscaping businesses have suffered record-high absenteeism, with workers calling in sick a day after Mexico’s 2-1 win over South Korea in a World Cup Soccer qualifier.  Liquor stores also report record-high sales of Tecate, Corona and Dos Equis beers as well as tequilas of all kinds.

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