September 2018 – The Focopolitan Tribune

Interview with the County Coroner (Yes, We Actually Interviewed the Coroner!!)

Published on September 30, 2018 in Local Flavor/Politics by Ludwig Schnee

Greetings, loyal Focopolitan Tribune readers! This is our first of hopefully a series of interviews with candidates for political office. We thought we’d start with a doctor whose office we hope you will not visit anytime soon; a doctor whose job is not to cure you, but to determine how you died: our coroner, Dr. James Wilkerson. Yeah, coroners are elected. We were curious as to why, so we asked. We were also curious about a bunch of other things. Check this out…

Ludwig Schnee: Dr. Wilkerson, you’re the coroner. Why is the coroner elected?

Dr. Wilkerson: Well the coroner actually originated in feudal England, and they were the crowner, and the crowner determined when somebody died, when a landowner died, how much they owed the king: the crown.

LS: So they owed money after they died?

Dr. W: It’s an estate tax, depending on how they died. For instance if you committed suicide, you forfeited your estate. It didn’t matter if you had ten wives and a hundred kids, it all goes to the king. So they became powerful officials for the amount of money and property and stuff they moved. Obviously they could be biased to one group or another, so I think they became elected to be fair- to let everybody have a chance of getting the crowner they wanted. The other reason to elect people is to get the people we want and the ideas… and actions we want people to take.

LS: By the way, how’s the campaign going?

Dr. W: The campaign is good this time, the last time I ran…[the office of coroner] was the only Republican primary in Larimer County. There were a couple other [offices] had Democrats running against them. But this was the only Republican primary last year. So, since it was the only race, everybody wanted to talk to me. Everybody wanted to do debates, and stuff. So I was constantly… My whole evenings and sometimes my weekends were used up with that. This time, because nobody’s running against me, I still go to some events, people still want to hear from me, but it’s not as stressful.

LS: So nobody’s running against you?

Dr. W: Nobody’s running against me.

LS: Do you expect to win?

Dr. W: I hope so.

LS: Like by what margin?

Dr. W: I suppose there could be people writing in. I don’t know if they still allow write-ins on the ballots or not.

LS: I was gonna ask you ‘tell me about your opponents in this election.’

Dr. W: So, I don’t have any opponents. The first opponent I had, she had a bookstore and she was a bodybuilder, and that was the one I had in the first time. And then for a brief time period, I had somebody running against me but she dropped out, and she was a yoga instructor, I think.

LS: So, a bodybuilder and a yoga instructor! Are there any formal qualifications for to be a coroner?

Dr. W: To be a coroner: you have to be 18, a resident of your county and a non-felon. Those are the requirements to be coroner.

LS: Wow! That sounds like a little bit of a low bar, but could you tell us your qualifications?

Dr. W: Sure. I’m a forensic pathologist. So I went to medical school and then did six years of post-graduate training and I’m board-certified in forensic pathology, anatomic pathology and clinical pathology. I trained in the military. I did autopsies all over the world.

LS: So you’re a vet?

Dr. W: I am a vet.

LS: Since when is a doctorate of veterinary medicine a requirement for your position?

Dr. W: No, I’m a veteran.

LS: Oh, okay.

Dr. W: Not a doctor of veterinary medicine.

LS: Oh.

Dr. W: An MD.

LS: Not a DVM, got it.

Dr. W: And I’ve done about 7500 autopsies. To give you a perspective, the Budweiser Events Center holds 7200. So I’ve done a lot of work. I’ve been in leadership positions in the hospitals, when I used to work in the hospitals, so I’ve learned from that; and this is a fairly small office, and it doesn’t have a whole lot of leadership challenges. So, that’s my qualifications.

LS: Sounds quite like a lot of qualifications, sir. Finish the following sentence: Republicans make better coroners than Democrats because…

Dr. W: Well, Republicans tend to be more conservative and not spend as much money on things that they don’t really need. We try not to spend money… so… I think that might be the one thing… I don’t think that it’s really much of a partisan office. ‘Cause I take care of Democrats, Republicans, whoever dies.

LS: You take care of the dead.

Dr. W: It doesn’t really matter what their political standing is. And I try to treat all families with respect and treat ’em all the same. You know, even though doing the autopsies and presenting things in court, and finding the cause and manner of death is the basic thing you do, the most challenging thing is notifying the families, and then keeping up with the families [of the deceased] and telling them what we found and asking them additional questions, so we try to do that with just one individual. We try to notify in person, and that one individual will go to the autopsy, find out what happened, tell the family, ask any more questions and then work out a report and follow it through to the end. And so taking care of the living is probably the most important part of the job and the most challenging.

LS: I can imagine that. Tell us about the medicine you practice. Do you have problems dealing with Medicare and Medicaid?

Dr. W: No. Actually, when I first started out in the army, I did hospital pathology and forensic pathology. In the army, obviously we didn’t have it [Medicare and Medicaid]. But I was in private practice for nine years and since I was the leadership guy, I had to deal with all of that; the insurance companies, Medicare and Medicaid, and it’s no fun. It wastes a lot of time. At one time, I had 17 employees in a lab and four of them were there to deal with insurance. And Medicare the first time you bill ’em, automatically they say ‘no.’ So you always have to bill them again, at least one more time. And that’s just the way they work. We don’t take insurance. The counties pay for autopsies on a fee-for-service basis.

LS: Are there many therapeutic misadventures in your line of work?

Dr. W: Well, probably not, because they’re already dead.

LS: Oh…

Dr. W: We don’t have to stop the bleeding, nor do we have to worry about infection, nor do we have to worry about getting everything back together exactly how it started out.

LS: Were you in my position, what would you ask you?

Dr. W: You could ask me some of the things that we see that are not funny, but that could be amusing.

LS: So, tell us one thing or another…

Dr. W: One of the favorites is “Here, hold my beer and watch this…” Whether it be a driving feat, or jumping off of a cliff into the lake feat or things like that. Now they don’t end up funny, obviously because they come to us, but that’s kind of one of the things we see. “Hold my beer and watch this…” is a standard pre-death motion.

LS: Thank you Dr. Wilkerson for taking the time to talk to us.

Old Town West Resident: Golf Course Should Become Section 8 Housing

Published on September 24, 2018 in Business and Economics/Environment/Health and Fitness/Local Flavor by Ludwig Schnee

Old Town West, the up-scale, left-of-center neighborhood vaguely comprising West Mountain and Laporte Avenues is home to a few thousand people. It’s a place of old, renovated homes and well-kept lawns. It is also a place where Focopolitans can easily see more than a few lawns with signs that read, “Regarless of where you’re from, we’re happy you’re our neighbor” written in Spanish, English and Arabic. For area resident Harry Schacht, the sign is more than hollow virtue-signalling. He explains, “Lots of folks here just put that sign on their lawn to show how liberal they are, but when the rubber meets the road, what do they do to really include people? Diddle! I’m not like them, and I’d say lots of folks in Fort Collins aren’t either. To prove that point, I’m going to the city council and I’m gonna propose something real: to turn City Park 9 Golf Course into section 8 housing. Or as I like to call the project, ‘Change the 9 to an 8.'”

Surprised at such a radical proposal, reporter Ludwig Schnee asked Mr. Schacht to elaborate on his plan. Using an old-fashioned flip chart instead of a powerpoint presentation, Mr. Schacht went on to explain that such an idea was good because golf courses use vast amounts of water, which in Colorado is scarce. Also, they use vast amounts of chemical fertilizers which are harmful to the river ecosystem. Just eliminating them would improve things. He added, “Then there’s the human factor. We really want to be inclusive, diverse and equitable, and let’s face it: we’re really rich here in OTW (as Old Town West is abbreviated) and for the rich to live well, we need the poor. Seriously, do you think, I wash my own Prius, mow my own lawn, landscape my own bonsai trees or raise my own grandkids? Do you know where my house cleaner, the nanny and my landscaper live? It’s way out in the trailer park, and they have to drive here! Imagine that! They have to drive here! In THEIR cars! Do you know how much carbon is released into our atmosphere just for them to drive that old wreck of a hooptie to my house? Not only that, but the thing is hideous! It ruins the view every time they come. When I have my grandkids over, and Maria’s taking care of them…” he paused, “That ugly-ass 1990s Buick is a real piece of shit to look at.” He proceeded, “It’s far better to have our servants live near us- as in within walking distance. That way, they can get our houses clean, wash our cars, raise our kids and that way, we’ll live in a truly diverse, equitable and environmentally sustainable place.” Asked, about what Foco’s golfers would have to say about the plan, Mr. Schacht replied, “Who cares? Golf is such a snooty, elitist game, anyway. Why should I care about what those smug, classist people have to say? They just take up space like the greens they golf on.”

It is unclear how this proposal will be implemented.

Cheyenne Truck Stop Debuts Vegan Eatery

Published on September 9, 2018 in Business and Economics/Health and Fitness/Local Flavor by Ludwig Schnee

In a move that defies stereotypes, the Floating K Truck Stop announced earlier today that it will be opening a new mode of eating at their Cheyenne location. The truck stop, which is located where the East-West highway I-80 meets the North-South Highway, I-25 is very well known to truckers across the country. There, truckers from all over North America fill up, park and eat on their way to their next destinations. While truckers are more known for their partiality to chicken-fried steaks, burgers-and-fries, pancakes-and-waffles with maple syrup and the like, the managers of the Floating K have more enlightened ideas for their patrons.

Spokesman Billy Miller stated, “It is clear that truckers live a sedentary life and that many suffer from obesity, diabetes and heart failure because of it. What better way for us to not kill our clientele than to offer them better food?” He went on, “We are true, red-white-and-blue American capitalists and we cater to the reddest-whitest-and-bluest of Americans: truckers. If we’re gonna be real Americans, we must be good capitalists. That means giving your customers what they want, right? Wrong! Well, not necessarily. While we like to eat a good-ol’ steak and eggs with freedom fries every-now-and-then, we can’t go around offering it to people all the time. That’s just gonna kill ‘em, and for us to have a clientele in the first place, we have to keep them alive. We won’t do that for long, if we keep offering them a diet of GMO grain-fed beef and poultry, fried in cholesterol-oil and served with artery clogging gravy and sugary syrups. Better they eat quinoa patties with tofu made from organic soya beans. Even better if they down it with a cilantro and arugula smoothie with carrot juice instead of soda.”

Focopolitan Tribune reporters Ludwig Schnee and Buck Hummingbird visited the new eatery and approached a crowd gathering around a big-screen TV with NASCAR showing on it. We asked a burly man with a ZZ-Top beard and a beer belly if he was there for refueling or for the vegan fare. He replied, “You got a death wish, buddy?” Apparently, not all truckers are too keen on the novelty. Some, though, expressed a positive, if reserved sentiment towards the vegan option, “My old lady is always on my case to eat better, so I guess I’ll try it.” said Billy-Bob Doyle of Fayetteville, Arkansas.

In other news, the Floating K announced that it has plans to open a yoga studio sometime early next year to accompany the vegan restaurant.

Trump Museum Set to Open in Old Town

Published on September 3, 2018 in Arts and Entertainment/Local Flavor by Buck Hummingbird

As Old Town Fort Collins bids farewell to yet another staple business, another one is already lined up to take its place. Old Chicago has shuttered its Old Town location but unlike with Bisetti’s (which rumor has it will become a biker gang clubhouse), this area has already been rented out. A life-size bronze statue of America’s 45th president gave Focopolitan Tribune reporter Buck Hummingbird a clue as to what the space will now be.

Billy Floogul has taken over the lease. A retired part-time outhouse digger and maintenance man who just sold his family’s business because, “damn kids don’t know what hard work is anymore!” is opening a different type of establishment. Larimer County’s sole Trump supporter is opening a museum and gift shop dedicated to his hero – Donald Trump.

“I needed to do something; I ain’t dead yet! I see all these museums to Mexicans and women and crazy artists who can’t draw worth shit and I thought, man, none can compare to this guy who went from businessman to president!”

Having plenty of savings and time, Mr. Floogul followed Mr. Trump on his entire presidential campaign collecting memorabilia, videoes, interviews, and other such collectibles. “I was also a big fan of The Apprentice and so that’ll be in there too.”

Starting from his childhood Mr. Floogul’s museum documents Mr. Trump’s life all the way to his current occupation as president. Many of the displays feature one-of-a-kind artifacts that Mr. Floogul personally collected and kept, “Just in case, you know; some people collect cows, others pigs, others books. I collected anything that I could about Donald Trump from books to hats to sayings- including what he said about [44th president, Barack Hussein] Obama’s birth certificate, which I believe to be true- to a signed piece of toilet paper because I didn’t have nothin’ else on me when I ran into him.”

And as with all museums, there is a gift shop that will be open to the public and not solely to museum goers. A wide-range of eclectic items await to be bought – facsimiles of some of the displayed artifacts to serious tomes on Mr. Trump to books that “the Donald” wrote himself. “I even have gifts for the kiddos – bobble head dolls and such.”

The museum is set to open Spring of 2019.