Monthly archive

August 2018

CDOT Debuts “I-25 Wild Ride”

in Local Flavor by

For anyone who has experienced the sheer unbelievable screw-up that is the North-South corridor known as I25, it seems like improvement needs to be a by-word or, at least, part of the conversation when talking about the heralded, and oftentimes cursed at, road.

“Over the past few years, with Colorado’s population explosion that would rival Bangladesh’s, we realize that travel along I25 isn’t so much traveling as kissing-your-ass and hoping for the best,” CDOT spokesman Hank Kissinger explained to Focopolitan Tribune reporter Buck Hummingbird. “We sympathize, really, we do; we’re also sitting in that clusterfuck of a highway just as much as anyone else.”

Using observational studies, and a lot of outside-the-box thinking, CDOT came up with a plan to try and help alleviate some of the congestion causing problems. “We focused on the issues that cause fuckups. You know, those assholes who want to go 100 in a 55 or the dingbat who assumes that you can fit a Ford F150 in between two semi-trailers without looking first. It was found that these types of drivers caused the majority of inconveniences that other people had to endure. We thought: what if you take out those inconveniences?”

Thus appeared the state-sponsored initiative “I25 Wild Ride.” Utilizing the express lanes through downtown Denver, drivers are encouraged to do everything that they normally aren’t allowed to do in the civilized driving world. “You want to experience texting and driving before flipping your car over a guard-rail? Be my guest. You want to see what it is like to do 120 on those curves? Have at it. Driving backwards at high speed? Wonderful. You now have a place to do it in, and get it out of your system, before you drive home and piss everyone else off trying to do those same things,” explained Kissinger.

Participants must sign waivers and provide their own transportation; emergency crews will be available for assistance if needed; all express tolls will be waived as well. “Though donations are appreciated,” intoned Mr. Kissinger.

Ms. Hummingbird spoke to one participant of the program, Randy McCogill, who decided that drifting interspersed with multiple doughnuts, all while at high speeds, had always been a bucket-list item of his. “I didn’t really know what I was going to do until I did it. But it was so much fun! I didn’t have to worry about other drivers as I had the lanes to myself and there were people there to help if I truly screwed myself! And I didn’t interrupt the regular flow of traffic, which was actually pretty cool now that I think about it.”

The plan appears to be gaining in popularity as CDOT already has a 50-person waiting list. “If things continue as they are, we’re already looking at viable spots to implement the idea for northern Colorado, the Monument-Colorado Springs area, hell, even I70. Just pray to God that this works, otherwise, what are we gonna do? Double-decker the thing?” Kissinger finished.

 

CU Diversity Office Closes, Citing “Mission Accomplished!”

in Local Flavor/Politics by

In a brief press release last Friday, the University of Colorado’s Diversity, Inclusivity and Equity Office (DIE for short) stated, “We at DIE would like to announce that given the unprecedented numbers of people of color, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgendered and minorities of all types, attending our fine institution, our goals have been realized.  For that, first of all, we would like to congratulate ourselves heartily.  Secondly, we would like to announce that we’re closing our doors because our mission is accomplished.”

We reached gender-vapid spokeshuman, Dr. Wagglesnicks in xer Boulder office where xe was gracious enough to grant Ludwig Schnee an interview. “All too often institutions are established to deal with a given problem, but long after the problem has been solved,the institution remains and sucks money out of public coffers for nothing other than providing sinecures to useless, mediocre bureaucrats. We will not be such an institution. We defy (20th century sociologist) Max Weber who first articulated this phenomenon. Futhermore, we are of a consensus that the greatest threat to higher education today is not the phantoms of “institutional” (what exactly does ‘institutional’ mean, anyway?) racism, sexism, homophobia or transphobia. Higher education today is more inclusive of racial, sexual and gender minorities than it’s ever been. The biggest threat to our system of higher education is something much more mundane: the skyrocketing cost of tuition, which keeps the neediest of our population excluded from universities and saddled with unprecedented student loan debt. Rather than waste taxpayer money and student fees on offices that are self-evidently redundant, we’re just going to close up shop and allow our funding to bolster the university’s general fund. If I have a say in this though, I want our funding to go to scholarships to students who are financially needy, regardless of race, gender, sexual or gender orientation.”

Reporter Schnee then asked Dr. Wagglesnicks, “But isn’t there more work to be done in order better to include women, persons of color and sexual minorities in society?”

Dr. Wagglesnicks scoffed, “Women? People who identify as women are now more than 50% of the student body in all Colorado universities except for [The Colorado School of] Mines and the Air Force Academy. As for everyone else, sure, there’s work to be done, but not in Boulder, for God’s sake. We’re about the most tolerate of places in the world, except for when it comes to ideas that diverge from our ideological line.”

Asking Dr. Wagglesnicks what xe would do next, the academic waxed, “I’ll either get a real job or move to Charlottesville. There’s plenty of opportunity for xour type of activism there, I heard.”

We at the Focopolitan Tribune couldn’t agree more.

Faith Healer: Protect Your Computer from Viruses, Wear a Condom Online

in Health and Fitness/Local Flavor by

In a public service announcement earlier today, the faith-based initiative, Faith Fort Collins Cyber-Disease Prevention Authority, commonly known as DP, urged parishioners and the public to take precautions against computer viruses by wearing condoms when getting online, particularly when viewing pornographic content.

Puzzled at this bizarre recommendation, we investigated the matter further.  The spokesman for DP, Reverend Cleatus Crowlwy had the following to say when we met up with him at his mansion in the up-market Eagle Ranch Road subdivision between Fort Collins and Loveland, “You know, there’s a ton of computer viruses out there, like the Ping Pong Virus, the Trojan Virus (not to be confused with the brand of condoms of the same name), worms, HIV, Hepatitis A, B, C, D, E and F, the herps, crabs, super crabs, gonorrhea and diarrhea and they’re all transmissible, especially when viewing internet porn.  The only true way to protect yourself from computer viruses 100% is by abstaining, but we all know how well that idea works.  Therefore, we recommend that users take the appropriate precautionary measures if they forego abstinence: wear a condom when viewing internet porn.”

Reporter Ludwig Schnee, puzzled at Reverend Crowley’s recommendation, not to mention that a cleric is now heading a health management organization, inquired about the good Reverend’s qualifications to give advice on matters concerning the community’s cybernetic health.  Reverend Crowley replied, “I am a certified Faith Healer with a proven track record.  I’ve preformed more than a thousand faith-healings and exorcisms on computers and on people.  I did most of ’em back in Uganda, where I did my mission.  I’ll show you my diploma from Oral Roberts University.  Oh, by the way, would you care to contribute to our cause?”  Schnee politely declined, but took up Reverend Crowley’s recommendation to reach out to a regular porn user who took DP’s recommendation.

Mervin Whitley of Fort Collins had this to say, “Yeah, I view a lot of porn.  I mean I really view LOADS of it.”  The 27-year old unemployed laborer who lives in his mother’s basement went on to elaborate the steps he takes to protect himself, his computer and other internet users, “Every time I view [internet porn], I make sure I’ve got one on my willy.”  He shows us the pile of greasy, spent condom wrappers around his Windows ’98 computer.  That way, I don’t get the pox, nor does anyone else in cyberspace.  As for Tilley [as he calls his computer], I bought special software from Reverend Crwoley.  It’s called Cyber-Condom 3000.  It only cost me $199.99 plus tax- money well-spent.  Neither Tilley nor me have gotten sick from my self-pleasuring as a result!”

At this point, Ludwig asked, “What about when a female is ‘soloing’ online?  What should she do to protect herself?”  Without missing a beat, Mr. Whitley answered, “She should have her partner wear a rubber when she solos.”

That’s it, readers, we’ve heard it all now… Apparently there is now a safe way to go solo!

City of Thornton Proposes Knock-off Roman Aqueduct in Place of Pipeline

in Environment/Local Flavor by

After years of legal wrangling and false starts, resulting in repeated postponements, city planners in Thornton have resorted to snazzy marketing in the hopes of persuading Larimer County residents of the benefits of their proposed diversion of Cache La Poudre River water for municipal use.  The original water diversion plan called for building a pipeline from the Poudre River just north of Fort Collins and piping it down a proposed pipeline running parallel to Douglas Road and thereon to the Denver suburb.  This proposal has met with vehement opposition from local residents of affected communities as well as the environmental activist group Save the Poudre.  Pressure and activism by Save the Poudre has by and large kept the current diversion plan on the drawing board and in the wet dreams of Thornton city planners.  “At night, I dream of me and Pamela Anderson doing a three-way with Shakira in a bathtub full of bubbles from Poudre River water,” waxed Roger Hoover, spokesman for the new plan.  “But… like Pamela Anderson 25 years ago, not her today.”

Talking about the new plan, Mr. Hoover commented, “The problem with what we have on the books now, is marketing. Moving water is really beautiful, and what are they proposing to do: to pipe it underground where nobody can see it?  C’mon, man!  That’s just self-defeating.  That takes absolutely no consideration into a very basic attribute of an engineering project of this size and importance: beauty.  You see, that’s the problem when you put things in the hands of the fucking engineers: they make something that works, but is butt-ugly, so only other engineers admire it.  As they say, ‘by engineers, for engineers.’  Not us, though, no sirree!  What we’re proposing is something that’ll inspire the lasting admiration of engineers and the public at large for generations to come: an aqueduct built in the ancient Roman style, except with locally quarried stone.  Said aqueduct would not only benefit Thornton, but would also become a monument to the good taste of the people of Colorado’s Front Range.  We would run it down the Western part of the Front Range right where a visual enhancer is most welcome- Fort Collins, Longmont and stretches of rural Larimer and Boulder counties.  That way, people in affected communities will actually buy our story that it’s gonna benefit them.  How ’bout it?  We’ll basically snatch their water and build shit on their land.  Just make it pretty and they’ll go along with it- eminent domain and all, beeyotch!”

The new proposal for water diversion by aqueduct has yet to be considered by Larimer County commissioners or the community at large, but by the sound of it, Mr. Hoover has a hard sell.

In other news, this same Mr. Hoover is pushing for the go-ahead on the Laporte gravel pit saying, “The gravel pit is actually a colossal art project to show, on a massive scale, the large void in the human soul as a consequence of living in the materialistic, post-industrial, globalized world of today.  It’s not about making money at all.”

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