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May 2020

Protests in Boulder Subside as Alfalfa’s Announces Sale on Organics

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This last weekend, Boulder residents joined other outraged Americans in taking to the streets to protest the killing of yet another unarmed African-American- this time at the hands of Minneapolis Police officers.  Taking banners, signs and the righteous rage in their hearts, these virtue-signaling citizens of the Boulder People’s Republic converged on the Boulder Police Department’s building at 33rd and Arapahoe.  They took the bus, carpooled as best they could, parked their hybrids and bicycles wherever they could, and some even walked because the environment can’t be ignored, even during pandemics and times of racial tension. Protestors even donned masks and showed respect for social distancing requirements.

The composition of the crowd could best be described as consisting of only a few people of color, with trustafairans slightly over-represented.  As cries of “Black Lives Matter!” “Hands up don’t shoot!” and something like, “This is what hypocrisy looks like!” got a little out of hand, a mass text hit the people of Boulder, including the protesters.  “Grand sale of organics at Alfalfa’s!  Limited time!”  Apparently, that was all it took for the protest to run out of puff.

Reporter Ludwig Schnee caught up with a blonde, dread-locked 20-something hippy chick who declined to share her name, “Yeah, black lives matter, but 50% off of organic, fair trade, locally fermented Argentine kombucha?  I think I’m going to Alfalfa’s.  It’s only like a mile away.”  Karen Kretschmer, 59, of Eldorado Springs, also granted us a word, “I support the Black Lives Matter movement, but I also support local business, and the vegetarian bulger and bean porridge [at Alfalfa’s] is to die for!  And the wheatgrass lemonade too.  Oh, and my iPhone tells me that they got a discount on patchouli that only lasts ’till 6PM.  I gotta go.”

As everyone left, recycling their signs, they left behind one man, Letravious Martin. “Where the fuck did everybody go? I mean this is important!”

Stimulus Checks Bounce

in Business and Economics/Politics by
US Treasury stimulus check examples

At his suburban Fort Collins home, area resident Larry Mason drops his jaw as he checks his mail.  Opening an envelope indicating an ‘Insufficient Funds’ notice he says “What?  (…) How did that happen?”  While an insufficient funds notification is nothing particularly new, what makes this matter noteworthy is where the check came from and who wrote it.

The check in question was a stimulus check.  It was emitted by no less than the United States Treasury with the name Donald J. Trump somewhere on the bottom left.  “What the…? How can that even happen?  How’s that even work?  It don’t get no lower than that!  I ain’t paying no $12 fee.  No way, Jose!”

Mr. Mason is not alone in getting bouncy checks from the Unites States Treasury.  Alejandro Medina, also of Fort Collins got one too.  “I got an ISF notification from my bank online.  When I looked, it was the stimulus check!  What da fuck?!”

Your reporter took a deeper look into this matter, by doing what Bob Woodward did back in 1973-74.  The Focopolitan Tribune ‘followed the money.’  To our utter astonishment, we have concluded that our government spends more money than it takes in!  So we called the United States Treasury in Washington, DC, and this is what a phone bank secretary told us, “What?  We sent y’all a bounced check?  Oopsie daisy!  Let me call Karen in accounting and she can get this sorted out.”

Something tells us that things will be just fine… especially since there’s the name of a guy on those checks who’s been bankrupt no less than six times!


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