This is the holiday season. This is the season of kin group get-togethers, presents, fruitcakes (of the literal as well as of the figurative kinds) and calls for function in the family and peace on earth. While the former depends greatly on individuals, and sometimes can be achieved for short periods of time, the latter is a little harder. Notwithstanding, the Fort Collins city council has done its bit: years ago, our elected officials erected a fatuous wooden dick-shaeped thingy in Old Town that has written on it in four different languages “May peace prevail on the Earth.”
If you haven’t noticed the pole, your dog probably has if you’ve ever taken it to Old Town. The pole serves as a message board for all male canines who frequent the square, and serves as a communal p-mail site. Fluffy, a Goldendoodle commented to Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee, “That stick there is really cool to pee on. I swear, there’s scent from at least 40 other dogs on there every time I use it.” It should be clear to all Focopolitans that that is all the pole is good for.
The object’s permanence in Old Town, and the fact that nobody but this newspaper openly mocks it, is a testament to something about Fort Collins: we LOVE to signal our virtue, from yard signs to bumper stickers, that’s a favorite pastime of ours. When it comes to actually doing something though, we happily stop at symbolism. At that, only Boulder can beat us. 21-year old CSU student Stephanie Jarr stated, “I didn’t even know this was here for years, but now that I do, I agree with it totally! I think I’m gonna take a selfie by it and post it on Instagram.”
A cursory look at the state of affairs in the world is clear evidence that this thing isn’t working. Apparently, it takes more than the erection of a phallic object to elicit world peace, however laudable such quixotic yearnings may be, but in the meantime, it is incumbent on us here in Foco to show ourselves just how virtuous we are…