Campus Area Businesses Quietly Lobby Government for Continued Student Loans

in Business and Economics by

It came in the dark of night, discreetly and quietly, around 2AM on a cold Northen Colorado Tuesday: a white Gulfstream private jet.  I couldn’t make out its callsign.  It’s destination: Washington, DC.  The passengers: Fort Collins campus-area business owners and developers.  Their purpose: to persuade congress to provide students with continued student loans.

Your intrepid reporter could sense something was afoot at a normally sleepy Northern Colorado Regional Airport (NCRAP).  Seeing so many representatives of our local economy awaiting a private jet at that ungodly hour led me to ask… and they told me, albeit on condition of anonymity.  “We just want to tell our friends in Congress to keep on keepin’ on!” said an area businessman.  “The area around CSU campus is experiencing an economic boom.  It’s safe to say, we have a secular bull market here.  What we’re going to DC for is first off to give them a hearty thanks!  Second, we want let ’em know that we’re rollin’ in dough from these student loans, and for them to keep on  ‘makin’ it rain,’ if you know what I mean.”

A developer added, “How do you think we’re gonna pay for the construction loans that we have up the yin-yang?  I’ll tell you: we’re not!  THEY’RE gonna.”  I asked him who ‘they’ were.  “The students!  I’m so glad they’re as financially illiterate as they are, ’cause if they weren’t, I couldn’t make the payments on my construction loans.  Come to think of it, I couldn’t make payments on my Porsche or my second home either!”  When I asked him to clarify what he meant, he replied with unusual candor, “What do you think these broke-ass 18-year olds pay their rent with?  Their piss-ant $10-an-hour jobs?  They pay rent with their student loans.  You see, we’re really pro-education here.”

The plane arrived and didn’t even shut down its engines.  A ramp went down, and in went the group of business leaders.  I thought I’d give the other side of the story: that of students.  A visit to Ink Inc, a local tattoo parlor proved revealing.  Freshman Mindy Roedenbacher agreed to an interview.  “Yeah, I got Student Loans.  It’s like, an investment in my future and stuff.  I’m putting my tattoo on my loans, ’cause YOLO!  Besides, it’s gonna be a part of me forever, like my college experience.  I think I’m gonna put my next flirtini on it too, ’cause you know… YOLO!”  She concluded, “No, I’m not worried about it, ’cause you know, I’m gonna like… get a really high-paying career with my Gender Studies degree… and if I like it, I might even get a Masters.”

We at the Focopolitan Tribune see NO problem whatsoever with student loans.  They have provided our town with a virtual third wheel in our economy.  They finance everything from tattoos, to meals, to rent, flirtinis, beer, ganja AND a good education for our student community.  There really is no visible downside to them.  Dear Washington and students, MAKE IT RAIN!  Fort Collins’ economy needs you!

Ludwig Schnee is the illegitimate grandson of Adalbert 'Adi' Schnee, the World War II submariner who won the Knights Cross with Oak Leaves for his gallantry as a U-Boat commander. Born in June of 1976, Schnee has lived in Fort Collins since the early 1990s and is the quintessential Focopolitan.

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