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Biker Gang Clubhouse to Open in Place of Closed Bisetti’s

in Arts and Entertainment/Business and Economics/Local Flavor by

This past January 31st, Focopolitan mourners carried a mock coffin from Bisetti’s restaurant all the way to Grandview Cemetery, FoCo’s poshest, most exclusive burial ground, in a requiem for that beloved staple of Fort Collins dining. Marching to Frederic Chopin’s Marche Funebre, and under the lugubrious light of a super blue blood moon, the people shared their memories of the times they had at the four decades-long institution. After hearing about the: many dates, wedding receptions, business deals, bar/bat/bax (for the transgender Jew) mitzvahs and meals that folks had there, people invariably asked, “So what’s gonna go in there now?”

It wasn’t a half hour after the doors of our beloved Bisetti’s closed for good, that a sign went up announcing the soon-to-be open new establishment: a local, biker bar. Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee happened to be passing by when some of the new tenant-cum-patrons of the space were unloading wrenches, power tools, oil pans, bottles of booze, and various-sized boxes that read “Harley Davidson” on them. One of the leather-bound, burly men carrying parts into the closed Bisetti’s took the time to speak with Schnee. “We’re coming in here in order to have a place to gather at, booze it up, raise hell and change the oil of our Harleys.”

The Focopolitan Tribune crew attempted contact with various concerned institutions from neighboring stores to security services to umbrella business organizations, inquiring about the opening of the new establishment and got a surprising degree of positive feedback. In an email, one member of the Business Organization of Old Town (BOOT) stated, “People talk so much about diversity here, but nobody ever does much, so we would like to invite the new owners to our next luncheon. We would love to have one of them on our board of directors. That would sure bring some diversity to our community.” While some were concerned that the biker gang is part of the Hell’s Angels, the group is actually a local phenomenon calling itself Phuck the Poudre. Why they opted for such a name is unclear, but we hope to inform our readers of that sometime in the near future.

The Trib crew were unable to contact Fort Collins Police Services officially, but a passing security-for-hire officer spoke anonymously, “Hell, yeah! Finally we can get some action here other than canning bums and slamming drunk college students onto the pavement! These guys are actually gonna keep me, the police, the jail and the courts in business!” College students themselves seemed enthused. A CSU sociology major, Colleen Middleton, had this to say, “It’s so exciting; can’t wait to see the place up and running!” A small squeal ensured.

Tim Ashbury, the owner of the bar, and its bartender, seemed pleased with himself. As he stood in front of the entrance, he smiled. “Now this is a proper place for a bar; right in the fuck sakes of things! I can’t believe no one’s tried this before me.” As he stared up at the building, he had this aside to Schnee. “Gonna have to white-trash up this awning though.

North Korean-themed Restaurant Keeps it Real With Not-So-Secret Ingredient

in Business and Economics/Local Flavor by

Fort Collins’ foodie scene is one of the nation’s most diverse.  But when Seung-Hui Kim, aka Tommy Kim opened Pyongyang Palete, Colorado got its first ever North Korean eatery.

Mr. Kim, originally from Seoul, South Korea purports to be a North Korea aficionado and a great admirer of the Kim Dynasty, which has ruled North Korea since 1945.  When asked to comment about his restaurant, he said, “10,000 years of life to the Great General Kim Jong-Un and long live the DPRK (Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, as North Korea is officially called) and the memory of the dear leader, Kim Jong-Un and the Great Leader Kim il-Sung.  My intentions are to bring the superior cultural cuisine of the great land to the pitiful imperialist shithole which is Northern Colorado.  Though our menu is heavy on naengmyeon (buckwheat noodles, usually served cold) dishes, we have specialty gogi-gui (typical Korean barbecue), with a special local ingredient.”  He winked at your stunned reporters.  Offering reporter Buck Humingbird a bowl of what appeared to be stew, Ms. Humminbird politely stuck to the buckwheat noodles.  When pressed about the secret ingredient to his infamous gogi-gui Mr. Kim referred to the Fort Collins Coloradoan’s article from Dec. 31st which noted the abandonment of around 100 domesticated rats at the Prospect Ponds Nature Area.

“The people of DPRK are a resourceful bunch, and they’ll eat anything that has legs except for a table, and anything that has wings, except for an airplane.  This includes such capitalist cast-offs as rats, and such capitalist pets as dogs.  Incidentally, the Larimer County Humane Society has totally blackballed me, and these animal rights wankers keep boycotting my joint and giving me all kinds of shit.  In any case, if your own farm or ranch property ever has a prairie dog problem, drop me a line!”

Although the food is definitely distinct and quite different from what is usually on hand in FoCo, it was surprisingly awful. A line of people still stood on the sidewalk an hour after your reporters sat down, though it is imagined that this may turn into a line of animal rights picketers before long. While the naengmyeon is palatable, don’t try the “secret” jeongol if you have cat allergies nor the “nuclear North” noodles unless you like your hair to stand on end. Up-to-date life and health insurance recommended especially when trying “Chongjin Choice,” which features the aforementioned special ingredient.

Area Rabbit Population Controlled With French Food Truck

in Business and Economics/Environment by

Foodies at this week’s food truck rally at City Park were pleasantly surprised by the debut of La Vielille Marseille, a French food truck operated by Jean-Louis Gottlieb.  Gottlieb, a native of Alsace recently immigrated to the US, and his showcasing of traditional French rabbit recipes has caused a stir in Fort Collins.

“I did not buy from any stores,” he explained, “and those food service companies do not carry such delicacies.  And when they do, it’s too expensive!  It is like taxes in France – you pay a lot and get shit for it.”  His solution?  Pulling out a have-a-heart trap and a bushel of carrots, he explains, “There are so many around the city.  And you must have it fresh. I learned to catch and cook the creatures while serving in the Armee de Terre [the French Army] as a field cook.”  Gottlieb went on to talk about his family’s long culinary tradition, “In WWII, my grandfather served in the Division Charlemagne and the family passed the tradition on.  To my dismay, most people in Florida and Georgia, where I began my business didn’t like it too much, but FoCo?  Mon Dieu– people here are eclectic in their pallet!  At first I served the usual coq-au vin, bouillabaisse, crepes and the more familiar French cuisine, but to my surprise the people here loved lapin [rabbit].  Perhaps because it is “locally grown”, but seriously, people here are eclectic in their taste.”

It’s clear for any outside observer to see that the menu on the side of Jean-Louis’ VW Westphalia heavily favors lapin.  With such delicacies as lapin a la cocotte, au vin, au sapiquet, a la mortared, to name only a few, rabbit is definitely his specialty.  That has had a fortuitous consequence for residents of Fort Collins, particularly those of us who live near nature areas and parks.  For well over a year now, Focopolitans have been complaining of the runaway rabbit population, made possible by the near-extinction of foxes in Northern Colorado due to a mange epidemic.  Rabbits have long ravaged residents’ gardens and planters, but to the relief of city planners, pest control and the general population, Jean-Louis has dealt with the problem decisively.  “What I do is this: I arrive two hours before opening, and the traps do the work for me.  Two hours later, voila!  It’s all done… seasoning and all!”

Not all Focopolitans are pleased with this development, though.  Campus animal rights and environmental activists have protested outside of Vielle Marseille.  A anonymous activist commented, “You like this guy while he serves you rabbit, ’cause those things are a dime a dozen.  What are we gonna do once they’re endangered?  Wait until he serves frogs!  Don’t you know how many species of frog are endangered?”

We at the Trib will keep our readers posted on both environmental and the culinary events in the community.

McDonald’s Franchise Owner Confounded Over Sanctuary Restaurant Movement

in Business and Economics by

Laporte – Standing outside his area of business, Jim Swift, franchise owner of the local McDonald’s, spoke to representatives of the neighboring city of Fort Collins Sanctuary Restaurant movement.

This movement is an offshoot of the Sanctuary Cities movement. Sanctuary Cities decline from co-operating with Federal law enforcement about turning over people who have violated immigration laws, for deportation. Sanctuary restaurants, on the other hand, claim to seat and serve all people who come through their doors, regardless of their race, ethnic background, skin color, gender or legal status in our country, pretty much like what every restaurant does everywhere in the world.

“I’m confused,” he stated as the representatives drove off in their Chevy Volt.

Speaking frankly to the reporters of the FoCoPolitan Tribune Mr. Swift expressed his surprise that there was such a thing as a movement for something so trivial. “Do they not understand the basic tenets of capitalism?”

“I get the city aspect of this movement since they have the power to back it up, but restaurants? Hell, just from what they were saying, McDonald’s has been a ‘sanctuary restaurant’ from the get-go. Shit, any restaurant by its very nature is defined as part of this movement. I serve people things; things they want. And you should see and smell some of these people; hello, maybe don’t smoke that ton of weed and try showering every now-and-then but, do I turn them away? Hell no! Why would I? All we care about is that they buy something, anything, even if it’s just a juice box.”

To illustrate his point, Mr. Swift ducked back into his franchise and emerged with a box of Chicken Nuggets. “I have food and you have money. You want food and I need money. Voila; you gave me your money and I gave you food. Damn, man, it’s not like its calculus.”

“But now I have some wimpy-assed young kid coming in here trying to tell me to join a movement that seeks to espouse exactly why I bought a franchise in the first place? You need to pull your head out of your marijuana-infused ass and quit drinking the Kool-Aid and actually work and then, THEN you might understand why this shit only works to make lazy, rich liberals feel good about themselves!”

“It’s not for the businesses, it’s for you; you fucking snowflakes! Morally masturbating yourselves instead of actually doing something; surprise, makes you feel better but doesn’t solve anything, does it? This ain’t Mississippi in the 1950s! This is twenty-first century Colorado! The fact that this has to be even said is a sad state of affairs for peoples’ understanding of how shit works! You getting all this?”

Swift went on to state, “Jesus Christ clean the cobwebs from your brain with those dreadlocks and wake up to reality. You can’t make a living from discriminating against people who want to pay you money. So you’re not morally superior with your damn sanctuary thing-y, just fucking ignorant of basic economics.”

He quieted for a moment. “Damn, really just damn. Sorry for the verbal dumping; it’s a soapbox thing of mine. Hope you got it all; I gotta get back to work now.  I’ve got people to feed.”

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