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Coalition of Interest Groups Proposes Closure, Destruction of I-25

in Environment/Local Flavor/Politics by

In a rare meeting of minds and agendas, an ad-hoc group of GOP bigwigs, civic groups and environmental radicals got together and devised an unorthodox plan to deal with traffic on Interstate 25, the biggest North-South highway linking Northern and Southern Colorado. Republican dissident Warren “Spud” Douglas, “We all know when something just ain’t workin’, the best we do is quit it. That’s what the Colorado GOP plan is for I-25. And we all know I-25 just doesn’t work. If you have any doubt, just drive on it on Labor Day weekend or Thanksgiving. Our plan is simple: close the Interstate and de-fund it. That way, the taxpayer won’t have to foot the bill for this unconstitutional monster that the Eisenhower administration built, and let the private sector prevail! We believe that individual people are resourceful enough to find their own means of moving themselves and their cargo from North to South without the help of government. If we’re gonna be true Constitutionalist, small-government Republicans, that’s what we do: reduce the size and scope of government. Where in the Constitution is it written that the government’s supposed to build highways?”

Environmentalist Fern Greene added to the chorus, “If Left-leaning Coloradoans are ever to consider themselves environmentalists, [you need to] put your money where your mouths are! Have you heard of re-wilding people’s hearts and minds through better environmental education in our public schools? Bah! That’s for slacktivists! We’re gonna re-wild Colorado practically. You may ask, ‘So what are you doing about it?’ Well, my answer is simple: We’re creating a coalition to discourage the use of the cancer that cars are to our atmosphere by destroying the means to use them locally: I-25. In its place, my group proposes to turn what is now the interstate into a wilderness sanctuary and a migratory corridor for wildlife.”

Joining forces with environmentalists and right-wing Republicans, was Coloradoans for Safety Above All Else (COFSALE). Spokeswoman Stephanie Ramsey gave her reasoning, “Do you know how many people are injured and killed each year on Colorado roads? What better way to reduce the number than shutting down the worst culprit of them all? Duh…”

We, at the Focopolitan Tribune drive on I-25 and find it to be a cluster-fuck that only the lower rungs of Dante’s Hell could spawn. We can’t see why Coloradans haven’t gotten rid of it sooner. It is clear to us therefore, that there is no downside to this plan: lower taxes, fewer deaths and injuries on our roads and a restored environment… sounds like a classic no-brainer to us. We also praise the parties of this proposal for their truly democratic grass-roots activism and their meeting across party lines and political agendas.

Centennial High School Offers Pole Dancing as Vocational Education

in Arts and Entertainment/Local Flavor by

Down a nondescript hallway, past the doors to the gym at Centennial High School, workmen install three poles in the room where the junior varsity wrestling team once met.  Strobe lights, we were told, got installed last week.  Now that the conversion is complete, Northern Colroado has its first ever vocational classroom for aspiring professional strippers.  Here, Nancy Fowler, AKA Kronik, teaches her young pupils the sensuous art of pole dancing while Eminem’s “Shake That” blares from the stereo.  “They [the students] only do it in gym clothes here; once they do their internship though, it’s tops off!”  she added, “Next semester, I hope to add lap dancing to the course.  I don’t think we’ll have any trouble finding volunteer guys for those.”  A collective giggle ensued.

For all the benefit to young women leaving Centennial High School with a job skill for profitable employment, Kronik’s pole-dancing class has drawn controversy from the community.  Francine Tipton, whose daughter goes to the alternative high school was vehement in her criticism, “This is an outrage!  Where is our school board?  Where is the parents’ group?  I can’t have my daughter in an immoral environment like this!”  Indeed the school’s parents’ group is suing over this matter, but for all the brew-ha-ha, the new elective has garnered at least some local support.

Area resident Bob Kaminski, age 41, “That’s awesome that Centennial’s doing this!  I LOVE strippers and strip joints.  What do you think I do on a Friday night right after I get my paycheck?  Let’s hope Centennial [High School] offers an entrepreneurship class along with this, so that we can FINALLY get a strip joint opened here in FoCo.  Dude, I’ve been missing one ever since the Hunt Club went under.”  Self-declared feminist Erin Clarke-Avila gave her two cents, “You know, if we’re gonna narrow the gender pay gap, we women have to  do it by any means necessary, right?  That includes getting a second job.  If it weren’t for my sag-bags, guess what I’d be doing for a night job?”

Administrator Sean Camacho gave his reasoning over their controversial addition of the pole-dancing elective, “First off, this is an elective.  That means they take it if they want to.  Nobody’s compelling anyone to do anything.  Second, let’s face it: this high school takes in the rejects from the whole of the Poudre R-1 School District.  And the teen moms…”  a long pause ensued,  “Don’t even get me started on those.”  after taking a sip of a Pepto-Bismol-and-gin, he went on, “These kids aren’t exactly doctor or lawyer material.  Maybe a few might go to college, but the statistics show most of them won’t graduate, and where does that leave them?  [It leaves them] saddled with massive amounts of student-loan debt and no skills!  I for one, will do my job and equip these girls to do something that makes money.  What’s the harm in opening this unique opportunity to them?”

[Editors’ Op-Ed] Wyoming, Colorado Lawmakers Conspire in Sensless Laws Concerning Ganja, Fireworks

in Business and Economics/Local Flavor/Politics by

This 4th of July, people in Colorado and Wyoming will celebrate 242 years of declared independence from the United Kingdom.  For as far back as living memory serves us, Americans of all colors, sexes, classes, creeds, races, ethnicities, sexual orientations, gender identities, food intolerances, regions, political affiliations, intersectionalities (and more) have celebrated the national holiday by lighting, launching and exploding fireworks of all kinds.  This year though, city councils from Fort Collins, Longmont, Boulder and on down the interstate and into the mountains, have disallowed any use of fireworks by private individuals.  Fines for such violations start at $1000 according to a sign on South College Avenue here in FoCo.  That having been said, in Colorado you can at least light up a spliff and forget about such insipid laws and the morons who write them with the delightful buzz of some good Moroccan Black, Kingston Super Skunk, Sumatra Gold or the usual Maui-Maui.

Conversely in Wyoming, so long as it’s not inside Cheyenne city limits due to a ban, one can buy any and all kinds of fireworks and light ’em off anywhere.  But, if you’re thinking of rolling the old joint, lighting up some weed, and getting high off your bong, you had better think twice, ’cause the reefer is still illegal in the Cowboy State.

We actually spoke with two people on either side of the Colorado-Wyoming border, and asked them about the reasoning for such laws.  Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee tracked down Longmont City councilman Ben Dover, a lifelong Democrat, and this is what he had to say, “Of course we ban fireworks within city limits- that can blow off a limb and cause forest fires- even in the city.  And no, we don’t think ANYONE- adult or child is sensible enough to shoot off fireworks safely in our city, not even in a concrete parking lot adjacent to a lake!  On the other hand, we believe ganja is harmless, so if you want to light up, have at it.  I mean, who are we to tell you how to live your life?”

A Republican Wyoming state legislator, who requested anonymity, had this to say, “In Wyoming, we like to live the libertarian life.  I’ll do my thing and you do yours.  So if you want to buy and set off fireworks, be my guest.  Just be careful, don’t damage other peoples’ property and don’t be a nuisance.  On the other hand, we keep marijuana illegal because it’s dangerous.  Have you ever seen [the 1936 film] Reefer Madness?  It’s dangerous to you, to me and to anyone who uses it.  Everybody knows it’s a gateway drug, and it fucks up your brain and shit.  If you have any doubts about that, just go to Pearl Street in Boulder and look at people.”

The editing staff of the Focopolitan Tribune as well as our head writers got together to opine on this matter.  We have concluded that legislators from both sides of the border meet in a smoke-filled room, together with overseers from: the Illuminati, local representatives of world Jewish banking, the Annunaki, Focus on the Family, aliens and Freemasons, to conspire to pass laws like these JUST TO FUCK WITH US!!

Organizers to Relocate Greeley Stampede to Boulder, Citing Stink, Diversity

in Arts and Entertainment/Business and Economics/Local Flavor by

In a press release the organizers of the annual rodeo tournament known as the Greeley Stampede announced that they will be moving the event to the up-market community of Boulder, some 40 miles to the West.  Spokeswoman Stormy Ryder of the Stampede granted an interview to Trib reporter Ludwig Schnee.  “The problem with Greeley is that it stinks to high hell!  I heard there’s a feedlot there, and that’s what makes the place reek enough to gag a rodeo clown.  So, we’re moving our show to Boulder.  On top of that, it appears that our concession stands are selling way too many snacks that have entirely too much salt, sugar and fat.  Barbecued ribs, cotton candy and fried crap will give you diabetes, clog your arteries and give you a heart attack.  In short, we’re killing our fans- slowly and painfully.  We’re calling it quits on that.  The Boulder community, with its foodies and organic vegetable suppliers are sure to offer our fans much healthier snacks.  Who doesn’t crave organic kale salads, non-GMO tofu or carrot juice smoothies while watching a cowboy get bucked by a wild bronco?”

It appears the Stampede organizers also want to change the demographics of their audience, “Our fans have for too long been predominantly rural, working-class, conservative and Caucasian- precisely the kind of people that are on the downturn in America today.  We need to be hip and appeal to a more diverse audience; this year, we started out the transition by bringing [African-American country singer] Darius Rucker, but next year, we’re planning on having [rapper] Jay-Z.  Not only that, but seriously, how much money can you make off of broke-ass white people from the boonies of Poo-Dunk, USA?  Don’t those folks blow all their money on cigarettes, cheap beer and meth?  If we’re gonna be true America-loving capitalists, and make some real bucks, we gotta appeal to the folks with the dough: hipster liberal, urban types who think they’re diverse.  What’s the ‘Numero Uno’ place for that here in Colorado?  Boulder, of course, though Fort Collins isn’t too far behind.  Lastly, we want to break the hetero/cis-normative, stigma of the hyper-macho sport of rodeo, and become fully inclusive of the LGBTQ+ community of Northen Colorado.  Again, what’s the epicenter of that in the Centennial State?”

In other news, area restaurants, construction sites and landscaping businesses have suffered record-high absenteeism, with workers calling in sick a day after Mexico’s 2-1 win over South Korea in a World Cup Soccer qualifier.  Liquor stores also report record-high sales of Tecate, Corona and Dos Equis beers as well as tequilas of all kinds.

Coptus Interruptus at Warren Park Ruins Adulterous Couple’s Night, Marriages

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In and early morning undercover police operation, a law enforcement task force composed of personnel from Fort Collins Police Services, the Larimer County Sheriff’s Department and the Colorado State Police netted an adulterous couple in flagrantis delicto having sex in the back seat of a rented Honda Civic.  Fort Collins Police Services officer Hugh G. Rection interjected, commenting, “Party’s over, folks,” disappointing the couple who had never previously been handcuffed under law enforcement auspices.

“We have had various complaints from residents of the Warren Shores area about rocking cars, disposed condoms, loud moans coming from parked vehicles and a fishy smell wafting in from the parking lot.  Somebody had to do something about this.”  Police Chief Terry Jones said at a press conference in the aftermath of the imbroglio, “And now for something completely different.”

In a jailhouse interview with the adulterous couple identified as Roger Geldlieber of Chicago and Betty Humpter of Fort Collins, Mrs. Humpter recounted their evening as having begun with a dinner of Fizolli’s lasagna.  It continued with a shared drive-thru McFlurry before the couple left for a secluded parking lot.  “I told him that I wanted a hotel room, but he was too fucking cheap, as always!”  Locking themselves in the back seat area, things were getting heavy when Geldlieber realized he forgot the condoms in the glove compartment.  Unable to reach for them, and unable to put his clothes on in the dark, cramped back seat, he exited the vehicle to find police only feet away.

Officers promptly arrested the two and brought them to the Larimer County Jail for an overnight stay at your (the reader’s) expense.  In an act of grace, officers helped the couple to get dressed, handcuffed as they were.

Geldlieber had nothing to say other than, “I’m posting bail for myself.  You’re on your own, honey,” referring to Humpter.  Humpter replied, “Just keep your cheap ass away from me; what type of miser orders a McFlurry for a romantic interlude?”

Followup note: This arrest expedited divorce proceedings between Humpter and her husband as well as Geldlieber and his wife.

Republican Gubernatorial Candidate: Teachers Aren’t Poorly Paid, Just Badly Married

in Local Flavor/Politics by

In a bizarre Facebook post, dissident Colorado Republican gubernatorial candidate, Warren “Spud” Douglas has taken a position on the recent teacher walkouts and protests that have occurred over the last two months in Colorado and other states. Douglas stated,

“As true Republicans, we should be no friends of government, and we don’t believe that government can do anything as well as the private sector. Our schools are the best example of that. Therefore, if we are going to be ideologically honest with ourselves and our base, the best thing we can do is to de-fund this failing program which does nothing other than squeeze the taxpayer and churn out mediocre human material. Thank God and Doug Bruce for TABOR, which limits the spending of government, including our schools. On top of that, teachers know and have always known what their profession pays, so if teachers tell me they’re poorly paid, I just tell them, ‘You’re not poorly paid, just badly married.’”

We at the Focopolitan Tribune were floored at reading this. We reached Mr. Douglas, and asked him to clarify what he said. We also reminded him that arguably the best time for American public education was in the years following the Soviet Union’s launch of the satellite Sputnik. The launching of that satellite prompted the Republican (yes, Republican!) Eisenhower-administration to pump federal money through the bi-partisan National Defense Education Act into public schools in support of science, technology, engineering and mathematics education. The result was a flourishing of American STEM over the following decade, which culminated in the 1968 moon landing. Douglas responded, “Eisenhower was a traitor to the GOP! He might as well have been our Petain and our Quisling rolled into one! I don’t care what people say happened to public education after the passage of the unconstitutional NDEA. What Ike did was treason to the Republican cause. Oh, yeah and that moon landing was a hoax. I read all about it on the internet, so that kind of nullifies whatever supposed achievement we got from the NDEA.”

Covering the teacher demonstrations at the State Capitol, Focopolitan Tribune reporter Ludwig Schnee contacted a professional educator for comment on Mr. Douglas’ declarations, and this is what Kyla Hernandez had to say, “Are you kidding me? First off, I’m not even married, so I can’t be badly married. Besides that, this idea of taking funding away from schools because they’re failing is kind of like taking cops off the street when crime becomes a problem. I’d like to see if that’s gonna happen. What in the hell are these people thinking? If that’s how people are going to keep treating this state’s educators, they’d better expect more walkouts. Goddam, I thought [Governor John] Hickenlooper was bad on education. It just goes to show: nothing is so bad that some asshole of an ideologue can’t possibly make it worse. Geeze, people! Are you really speaking for yourselves or is your politics speaking for you? Do your voters a favor: get your heads out of your ever-loving asses, and think about the people you represent! We’re taxpayers too, and we demand you do better than what you’ve done. Is that too hard to grasp?”

Civil War Reenactors Cause Delays at Denver International Airport

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Dusty Chivington and his wife, Betsy, were on the layover part of their flight. The 17-years married couple, who are civil war re-enactors from Minnesota, were on their way to participate in the annual Festa Confederada, an annual celebration held in Santa Bárbara d’Oeste, Brazil to commemorate and celebrate Southern culture. It is held around April 26, Confederacy Day in the United States.

While the couple had no trouble in their home state, they soon wreaked havoc at the security line at Denver International Airport. The trouble first began with a saber.

A TSA x-ray technician spotted the sword as Dusty placed it on the conveyor belt for the scanner. When asked if it was a weapon, the reply was negative. “It is an historical artifact,” offered Dusty. Skeptical, the official placed a hand on the offending item only to be rebuffed by an emphatic neigh. Dusty’s horse, Binky, standing behind his owner, appeared to be upset.

“Is that real?” was the only response the TSA technician could get out with no one quite knowing whether he was referring to the horse or the saber.

“He’s my emotional support animal,” Dusty explained, “He has to travel with me all the time; I even have a doctor’s note explain’ the situation. He did perfectly fine on the first flight; he’s a good horse and I even clean up after him if need be.” Mr. Chivington showed reporter Buck Hummingbird the industrial sized plastic bags he carries with him at all times just in case Binky has an accident. Also with him was a 50 lb. bag of oats, a bale of hay, and all the gear needed to ride. “It all fits in the overhead compartment,” Dusty proudly offered.

The Denver officials balked at the presence of a horse in the security line but, “They only noticed once me and Binky were waiting in line for the X-ray thingies,” said Dusty.

Meanwhile Betsy was having her own problems with security. True to form, the couple had decided to dress up for the occasion, Dusty in his grey-colored uniform and Betsy in a hoop skirt. Such skirts were not made to easily fit through an airport security scanner and the poor woman became trapped when the sides of the scanner twisted her skirts around her, causing the machine to jam.

Ms. Hummingbird interviewed Betsy through one of the windows as firefighter personnel attempted to free her. “We are quite proud of our heritage. Dusty grew up in Georgia, while my Daddy was from there. When we heard that there was a celebration of Southern culture, complete with barbecue, dancing and hoop skirts, we had to be a part of it, no matter where it is located! It’s my first time traveling outside the United States,” Betsy added.

DIA spokesman, David Bragg, was left speechless. “I really, REALLY don’t know what to say. How the hell did that horse even make it on the first flight?” he muttered to himself.

Other expectant passengers were a little more peeved. “The fuck you bringing a horse on a plane for?” yelled a man dressed in a ‘Hillbilly Treasure’ T-shirt, cut-off jean shorts and flip-flops. “No self-respecting woman should ever dress in that!” another passenger yelled. Extra TSA personnel had to be called to the South terminal screening area as the scanning machine had to be shut-down for extensive repairs and those passengers shuffled into line for the other three.

David Bragg did say one thing, “Criminal charges? Who the hell knows…”

As your reporter found out later, Dusty and Betsy Chivington, along with Binky, made their flight.

 

Boulder Hippies Conscript Native Americans for Help in Moisture Dance

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To help entice Mother Nature in this time of oppressive heat and extreme drought, self-appointed hippies have decided to hold a moisture dance in downtown Boulder near the Pearl Street mall.

Reporter Buck Hummingbird met up with members as they were finishing a rehearsal. Group advisor Summer Tingle explained, “We must be inclusive of all types of precipitation, not just rain, which means this is a moisture dance and not a ‘rain dance,’ okay? Mother Nature needs to know that we aren’t discriminatory because if we use too exclusive of a name, she might not bless us.”

 “Since there isn’t a movement-type of prayer built into Christianity or any of the other monotheistic religions, we had to reach out to the Native American population of Colorado to help us ensure the success of our undertaking. From which deity to make supplications to; to the types of prayers to be uttered; to subtle hand movements, we needed guidance!” intoned Ms. Tingle.

As Ms. Tingle related the group found that guidance from the recently re-introduced Soapstone Prairie Indian Reintroduction Project (see Focopolitan Tribunearticle from May of 2017), which occurred in tandem with the highly successful Soapstone Prairie Bison Reintroduction Project in Larimer County. “We were required to actually drive our hybrids out to Soapstone to do our rehearsals.  The senior naturalists explained that you can’t just let the Indians leave the habitat lest the bison lose their highest-order predators.”

A small committee decided upon choreography and music selection and rehearsals were held at Soapstone until recently. But when it came to the dress rehearsals, the committee decided to move them to Boulder. As dance participant Autumn Beach explained, “We needed to get the feel of Pearl Street. I mean, people walk it everyday but dancing on it is new and so we had to see what we were going to stir up. I was afraid of something untoward reaching through the ether but so far, we have been accepted.”

As for the Native Americans, the committee conscripted them into not only being the directors but also as participants in the main event. During a transition moment, one dancer, identifying himself as Yawing Coyote Pratt, stood off to the side and commented, “Damn if I know what a moisture dance is but I finally get to go shopping! Shit, you have no idea how long I’ve have been waiting for this!” He gleefully eyed the array of merchandise that could be found at the mall.

The dance will be held at the next instance of Mercury and Venus crossing each other. All peace-loving people are invited to observe.

“Even if we have rain before the dance, we will continue the event but as more of a thank-you rather than a plea,” finished Ms. Tingle as participant members collected their belongings and left for their Priuses and bicycles.

Ms. Tingle is also hosting a communal drum-circle after the dance for general healing purposes and as a call for prayer for peace.

Invocation of “White Privilege” Fails to Free Area Man from Arrest

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Last Tuesday night began and ended very differently for two citizens of our beloved city. For officer Karen Miller, the evening began with coffee at a coffee shop on Drake and Lemay for the beginning of her night shift. For CSU student Anthony Wells, it began bar-hopping in Old Town. Wells’ and Miller’s evenings intersected a few minutes before midnight near the Andersonville neighborhood of East Fort Collins. As officer Miller recounted, “We (the police) were called about a car stopped at a green light on the Northbound lane of Lemay Avenue at the intersection of Vine Drive. I turned on the blue lights, and what did I see: A 2010 VW Jetta with the driver asleep at the wheel! A nearby resident told us that a train had been passing on the tracks, and that the driver fell asleep as the train maneuvered. It didn’t take long for us to find out that the subject was clearly what we would call legally drunk- you know, from the booze-stink vomit on the dashboard.”

With the help of backup officers, Miller manhandled the driver whom the officer soon enough identified as being 22-year old Anthony Wells, of Fort Collins, out of his vehicle, cuffing him and placing him in the back of officer Miller’s squad car. What ensued was a surreal and non-sensical rambling of an imbecile that amazingly didn’t get better even after Mr. Wells got sober. As officer Miller recalled, after dropping Mr. Wells off at the Larimer County Jail, “He just kept on mumbling something about white privilege. Well, he’s gonna find out pretty quick in the sneezer that being white doesn’t free you from being drunk… or dumb.”

At a hung-over jailhouse interview, Mr. Wells, who is a student majoring in Ethnic Studies at Colorado State University seethed, “What on earth is this?! I can’t believe it! I got arrested?! This can’t happen-only people of color get arrested! All I did was drink one too many tequilas and shit. This is so unjust! I hereby invoke my Constitutionally-guaranteed right to white privilege! WHITE PRIVILEGE, WHITE PRIVILEGE!” Jail guards quickly subdued him saying, “Save it for the judge.”

After the defendant posted bond, reporter Ludwig Schnee continued the interview with Mr. Wells, offering him an aspirin and some water. “Yeah, totally. I can’t believe the audacity of these police! How dare they arrest me? I’m like totally gonna get a lawyer for my court hearing, and I’m gonna plead not guilty by reason of race. Let’s see a jury convict me! I don’t care if my blood alcohol level was .21. That doesn’t stop me from being a white male- the top of the heap, baby! Oh, say… can you lend me $250 to get my car back? It got towed or something.” Your reporter politely declined.

In other law-enforcement news, the City of Fort Collins has hired Jeffrey Swoboda, who previously worked as chief of police in Elgin, IL, as the new permanent Chief of Police. He will be replacing interim Chief of Police Terry Jones, who previously worked as a comic, best known for his role in the Monty Python comedy troupe. The Focopolitan Tribune was unable to reach Jeffrey Swoboda, but we did reach Mr. Jones. Asked to comment on his looming transition, Jones replied, “And now, for something completely different.” And then he played John Phillip Souza’s “Liberty Bell March.”

ALL SUSPECTS ARE CONSIDERED INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY IN A COURT OF LAW

NGO Addresses “Beer Deserts” in Blighted Northern Colorado

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We have all heard of “food deserts”, spots where healthy, nutritious food choices are unavailable. But hardly any attention is given to the equally serious matter of beer deserts—whole streets or neighborhoods where no craft breweries, no bars, no liquor stores, exist at all.  Sadly, the nearby community of Loveland, Colorado is no stranger to this heartbreaking phenomenon.
Focopolitan Tribune reporter, Jollie Thresher, spoke to a trapped resident in a particularly blighted suburb in western Loveland. “I am forced to drive my Volt for miles to find a decent brew,” avowed Tyler Kaluptchik, standing in the yard of his 5-bedroom, 4-bathroom Cape Cod style home. “The concentration of beer gardens and breweries in certain privileged areas of Northern Colorado is just unfair.  This is just another manifestation of systemic discrimination against the geographically dispossessed.  Why didn’t the city planners think of this when they approved this development?”
In fact, Mr. Kaluptchik’s situation is grave indeed. The only beer within a 7-mile radius of his home is the 3.2% variety found at convenience stores near the interstate-a choice of two mass-produced, un-hoppy, generic types of tipple. “I don’t care if both my options [of bad beer] are brewed in Colorado.  It’s all horse piss!  Shit, you gotta drink at least a six-pack to even get a buzz!” said Kaluptchik.  “We live in a void of beer-diversity.  To give you an idea, there are 61 microbreweries in Denver, about a dozen in Boulder, 21 in Fort Collins.  We only have eight here in Loveland!  Even cowtown USA, Greeley has more than we do.  We have so few, we’re the beer orphans of Colorado.  In my side of Loveland, we’re completely surrounded by no beer!” He exclaimed, his voice quivering, fighting to keep from shedding tears.
The Sudsgoode Foundation, a 501(3)c non-profit, is stepping in to alleviate this calamity. They are increasing the focus on such beer-impoverished areas and lobbying the Loveland City Council to include one craft-brewer permit per new residential development, beginning next year. “Beer in Colorado is a fundamental right for all citizens,” stated Amy Roote-Bachuss, a spokesperson. “We can no longer tolerate the beer anxiety that plagues the forgotten communities of Northern Colorado. And just imagine the fuel we could save, if all our citizens lived within walking distance of a brewery! Land Rovers, Hummers and Lexuses use a lot of gas!”
Another effort sponsored by the Sudsgoode Foundation is the Beer Bank, a volunteer-led effort featuring a visit by truck of one of the Fort Collins breweries. This allows residents of beer deserts to come out and purchase enough beer to get them through the few days it takes for the truck to do its next run—though the Foundation sees this as a mere stopgap. “Carrying out these ideas costs money,” Roote-Bachuss added. “We are always fundraising, and welcome your donations. We will send all donors free return-address labels with pictures of pints on them.”
Aspiring city councilman, Bob Silverton, is sympathetic to the plight of the beer-less of Loveland. Hoping to run on a platform of “Land, Peace, Beer,” Mr. Silverton proposed, “I am willing to sacrifice for the city of Loveland to address this problem. I would propose a small ‘Beer Improvement Fee’ in the city tax code to help boost interest amongst entrepreneurs, who would get city block-grants for the purpose of opening brew pubs… come to think of it, maybe I should apply.”
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