For anyone who has experienced the sheer unbelievable screw-up that is the North-South corridor known as I25, it seems like improvement needs to be a by-word or, at least, part of the conversation when talking about the heralded, and oftentimes cursed at, road.
“Over the past few years, with Colorado’s population explosion that would rival Bangladesh’s, we realize that travel along I25 isn’t so much traveling as kissing-your-ass and hoping for the best,” CDOT spokesman Hank Kissinger explained to Focopolitan Tribune reporter Buck Hummingbird. “We sympathize, really, we do; we’re also sitting in that clusterfuck of a highway just as much as anyone else.”
Using observational studies, and a lot of outside-the-box thinking, CDOT came up with a plan to try and help alleviate some of the congestion causing problems. “We focused on the issues that cause fuckups. You know, those assholes who want to go 100 in a 55 or the dingbat who assumes that you can fit a Ford F150 in between two semi-trailers without looking first. It was found that these types of drivers caused the majority of inconveniences that other people had to endure. We thought: what if you take out those inconveniences?”
Thus appeared the state-sponsored initiative “I25 Wild Ride.” Utilizing the express lanes through downtown Denver, drivers are encouraged to do everything that they normally aren’t allowed to do in the civilized driving world. “You want to experience texting and driving before flipping your car over a guard-rail? Be my guest. You want to see what it is like to do 120 on those curves? Have at it. Driving backwards at high speed? Wonderful. You now have a place to do it in, and get it out of your system, before you drive home and piss everyone else off trying to do those same things,” explained Kissinger.
Participants must sign waivers and provide their own transportation; emergency crews will be available for assistance if needed; all express tolls will be waived as well. “Though donations are appreciated,” intoned Mr. Kissinger.
Ms. Hummingbird spoke to one participant of the program, Randy McCogill, who decided that drifting interspersed with multiple doughnuts, all while at high speeds, had always been a bucket-list item of his. “I didn’t really know what I was going to do until I did it. But it was so much fun! I didn’t have to worry about other drivers as I had the lanes to myself and there were people there to help if I truly screwed myself! And I didn’t interrupt the regular flow of traffic, which was actually pretty cool now that I think about it.”
The plan appears to be gaining in popularity as CDOT already has a 50-person waiting list. “If things continue as they are, we’re already looking at viable spots to implement the idea for northern Colorado, the Monument-Colorado Springs area, hell, even I70. Just pray to God that this works, otherwise, what are we gonna do? Double-decker the thing?” Kissinger finished.
