Northern Colorado Chapter of Ku Klux Klan to Include Asians

in Local Flavor by
Citing lagging membership due to their elderly following, the Northern Colorado chapter of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan announced in a press release last Tuesday that it would open its ranks to Asian-Americans, “But we’re only taking about slants.  We still hate dune coons and mud people,” stated the chapter’s Kleagle.
The Klan has had a long and proud tradition in Colorado over the past century, which includes such notables as five-term Denver mayor Benjamin Stapleton.  In the decades after the heyday of the Stapleton Years, the Klan saw a steady decline of participating members.  During the Civil Rights era, J. Edgar Hoover’s FBI infiltrated the white supremacist group sending its highest-ranking members to prison and the movement to the margins of American politics.  Membership in the Klan dropped precipitously.  Since then, the Klan has not fully recovered its prominence either in Colorado or in the US.  The recent inclusion of Asian-Americans into its ranks is a new and innovative attempt on the part of the KKK to regain its stature, at least in Colorado.
In a phone interview with the Focopolitan Tribune, the Kleagle, or head recruitment officer of Northern Colorado, who requested anonymity said, “Sometimes I feel that we at the KKK don’t get the respect that we deserve for our part in forging the Centennial State.  When they closed down the old Denver airport, we lost the last public thing named after one of us in all of Colorado.  At least the neighborhood’s still named after him… And the Black Lives Matter movement might even change that.  We have to do something about this.”  He further lamented, “They don’t make bigots like they used to here in Colorado, and all the ones that stuck ‘round are dyin’ off.  It’s too bad that Coloradans just don’t value hate no more.  Folks here is just too damn tolerant and inclusive, and we’ve got to put an end to that.  What am I supposed to do?  I reckon I could move down South, but I’d feel like I’m abandoning the cause of bigotry in my beloved Colorado if I did that.”
He added, “We’re seriously thinkin’ of includ’n’ Jews if the Asians doesn’t grow our numbers.  Regardless, we still hate: immigrants, beaners, spicks, Indians of both kinds, faggots, lezzies, trannies, half-breeds, sand niggers and of course real niggers.”  When asked if this new inclusiveness would undermine the Klan’s identity as a racist organization, the Kleagle simply stated, Back in the day, we wouldn’t include Catholics, but now we do.  Just ‘cause we’re includ’n’ more people, don’t make us no less racist.  Back in the early days [of the Ku Klux Klan], who even thought of hating Mexicans or Muslims?  Who’d ever even heard of transgendered people, dykes or fags?  Now, we’re proud to say that nobody in ‘merica hates ‘em more than us.”

Ludwig Schnee is the illegitimate grandson of Adalbert 'Adi' Schnee, the World War II submariner who won the Knights Cross with Oak Leaves for his gallantry as a U-Boat commander. Born in June of 1976, Schnee has lived in Fort Collins since the early 1990s and is the quintessential Focopolitan.

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