——by Special Correspondent Jollie Thresher

In response to a recent article in The Fort Collins Coloradoan noting a marked increase in the local bald eagle population, The Focopolitan Tribune consulted several experts as to why this phenomenon might be happening. The Wildlife Biology Department at CSU had no firm answer, “Probably people are leaving their trash cans uncovered, and they smell food. Then they come knock ‘em over and—uh, whoops, that’s the bears. Try the guys in Avian Science.”

Dissatisfied, I travelled to the remote corners of Larimer County, to consult with Yawning Coyote Pratt, who has been working with a colleague, the noted Native American shaman and animal whisperer Swelling Milk, there to help him with the bison crisis reported in an earlier issue. Ms. Milk’s highly specialized work includes not only talking to various species of animals and birds, but mediating when conflicting human / animal issues arise. “She’s the best,” Yawning Coyote assured. “She got those bison together and explained there’s just too goddamn many of ‘em up here now at Soapstone Prairie. Convinced a lot of ‘em to head on up to Wyoming. Man, saved me hours with the bow and arrow!”
Incredulous, I asked Swelling Milk to explain her technique before we touched on the subject of bald eagles.
“I don’t do domestic animals,” was her first comment. “They actually communicate better with humans, having lost their wild vocabulary. They say the dumbest stuff, like ‘Ruining carpets rocks!’ or they want to gossip about their owners’ secretly drinking or jerking off. Or worse yet, ‘Polly. Wants. A. Cracker!’ Ugh. No, I deal only with wild species.”

As to why the bald eagles are settling in Fort Collins, Swelling Milk had the following to say. “Very simple,” she said. “The word is out in the eagle community. Fort Collins is an accepting town. For a long time it was all about the Canada geese, but not any more. Here prairie dogs feel at home, squirrels, iguanas, you name it. Here there is far more species inclusiveness than most places. The conservationists want to take credit, but it’s more about the progressive atmosphere of the town. Plus, the eagles read the signs.” I assumed Swelling Milk was referring to some eagle type of inner ‘spirituality’, but no. “The signs, of course, those signs all over Fort Collins,” she said. “Eagles can read eagle alphabet. One of the languages on those signs that say WE ARE FORT COLLINS is very close to eagle scratches. They saw it and decided, why not?”

In a tragic bifecta of unrelated events, both Cam the Ram, CSU’s mascot and Ralphie the buffalo, CU’s counterpart have been killed and eaten plunging Fort Collins and Boulder into collective mourning.

It all started with Cam the Ram’s appearance at the CSU vs. Oregon State University game which inaugurated CSU’s new football stadium.  The excessive temperature of game day cause worrisome possible signs of dehydration in the ovine mascot.  Minders immediately contacted his personal veterinarian who recommended immediate transport to CSU’s Veterinary Teaching Hospital.  This is where things took a tragic turn.

A mix-up in paperwork at the stadium and a mis-entry on Google Maps landed Cam at a local kosher/halal butcher shop instead of the vet.  When the SNAFU was noticed, it was too late.

The two butchers, one Muslim, one Jewish were apologetic about the incident  In a press real ease Hamid Abdul el-Said and Levi Rothstein, the interfaith butchers, had this to say, “We purchased a few head of livestock from CSU, so that we could split the cost between us for Rosh Hoshana and Hajj, which happen to overlap this year.  We didn’t realize who it was that had been included with the other ovines until CSU contacted us early in the week.  Unfortunately, he had been turned into crown roast, braised shank and tripe stew with garlic.  At least we consecrated him before and prayed for him after…”

Ralphie for her part enjoyed a few moments of freedom before her demise.  In a fit of spontaneous activism, a group of drunk CU students freed Ralphie from her pen Saturday night.  Loading her onto a stolen trailer, daybreak saw the spontaneous animal rights activists driving hung over around Boulder trying to figure out what to to with the stolen animal.  A cursory web search turned up the reintroduced bison population at Soapstone Prairie, at which point they turned Northwards.  Setting the female bison free, they drove back to Boulder.  In a police deposition, one of the bison thieves stated,  “She seemed quite happy to be out in nature- ya know… just like the orca at the end of Free Willy.”

Ralphie’s carcass was discovered with various arrow-like wounds by Larimer County Senior Naturalists on Monday evening.  Visiting the reintroduced Indian Stettlement (see the Focopolitan Tribune’s article from May 31st  ) the naturalists were surprised to find inhabitants feasting.  On further examination, of the bison’s hide, no tracking number was found.  It didn’t take long for the LCSN and CU officials to figure out that the dead animal was indeed the missing Ralphie.

Yawning Coyote Pratt, spokesman for the reintroduced American Indian settlement had this to say, “What the fuck, people?!?!?!?  You tell me to kill a bison, and I kill my first one, and you’re all like ‘You killed the wrong one!!’  How the fuck am I supposed to know which one is which – they are all bison!  i wasn’t born into this lifestyle, nor did my ancestors even hunt these things- they were fucking corn, squash and bean farmers!  I’m gonna be proud of this kill no matter what you say.  I’m gonna eat my first meal in a long time!  Grilling night, baby!  Oh, and what’s this about a football game?  Can I borrow a TV?”

After a successful operation that contained last week’s Spring Glade fire, near Coyote Ridge that saw no human casualties and no structures lost, it is fair to say that Northern Colorado fire crews have done a stellar job once again.  Their exploits are legendary, their teamwork extraordinary.  For their heroism and hard work, wildlands firefighters are paid meager wages, but what the casual observer fails to realize is the fact that these guys are not reward with money alone…

Wildlands firefighters not only command the intangible gratitude and respect of the communities they save, but also the tangible rewards that rather more venturous people are willing to show.  Encompassing the categories of: MILF, blonde, facial, body shot, brunette, tit-fuck, circle-jerk, gang bang, redhead, anal, interracial, bikini, blow job, granny, glory hole, threesome, hand job, big tits, shaved, BBW, outdoor, drunk, bare-backing, pillow-biter, Latina, hairy and barely legal, to name only a few, these guys put any other under-moneyed testosterone-fueled male to shame!

In an interview with the Focopolitan Tribune, Dave Smith of the Soapstone Hotshots crew remarked, “They pay us shit, and our health insurance barely covers us for the STDs that most of us get every season, but man, oh man… the poontang we get more than makes up for it!  Sometimes the chicks even pay for the booze!  Fighting wildfires by day and having wild night on fire in our sleeping bags: that’s the life for us.”  Smith went on to explain, “Yup, all of us bang more than our fill of pussy, except for Patrick and Gerald over there, who take turns banging each other.” as he pointed to a pair of buff-looking young men kissing, on their way to a sleeping bag.

‘Badge Bunny’ is the affectionate term that denotes women who have a proclivity for law enforcement and firefighting personnel, and this crew had no lack of them.  “Sometimes they outnumber us by a factor of 2 to 1!  We LOVE those nights.”  Asked what their greatest single-season accomplishment was, William “Billy” Moore said, “Two seasons ago, when we went out to California to help out with a fire there, we saved Kim Kardashian’s ninth home.  Too bad she wasn’t there.  She was at a show in Dubai or some shit like that with Kanye.”  He went on, “Yup, that’s probably where the crew first got the clap from.”  An unidentified Soapstone Hotshot remarked, “Worth every second of that stinging piss, though.” and the crew performed a group high-five, laughing before retiring to their tents with bikini-clad badge bunnies.

We at the Focopolitan Tribune salute our wildlands firefighters and the chicks, and occasionally dudes who keep their morale (and something else) up!